Help! I'm So Tired of Hearing My Own Voice Constantly Yell at the Kids.

I find when I really want to scream and shout and throttle, especially my son, I hug. I beckon the child to me in the stern mommy voice and then I hug him and tell him why I am unhappy. Then, my heart is softened and he is calmer for a while.

D.

Consequences verses yelling. Give one warning and then if they do not listen give a consequence. They will get the message loud and clear and you won't even have to raise your voice.

The book: "Have a New Kid By Friday" is really great.
It is not condescending nor punitive...but has practical applicable solutions and tips.
Without yelling or being a drill master.

You can find it on Amazon, or E-bay... or most bookstores.

I have 2 kids too... I have yelled when I"m at my wits end.
You are not alone.

I will also give MYSELF a time-out... telling my kids that I have to leave and go in the other room. When I do that, they KNOW, Mommy is fed up.
Even though I don't tell them that.
I also will NOT "argue" with my kids... I tell them that, literally... and they KNOW, that is a 'cue' for them to stop, or Mommy will not cooperate either... with their rantings or requests. And I don't.

I have also just point blank explained to my kids "Mommy is not dumb. I KNOW what you are doing behind my back. It does not work. I know EVERY trick in the book... I was a kid once... and I thought I was smart. But Mommy KNOWS... everything..." (wink), and this really makes my kids 'see' me differently.
Or, when they are ranting... I TELL them, "That will NOT work." And then I walk away... they will rant/grumble etc. But I walk away. I do it and NOT engage or cooperate with them. I tell them, IF they want Mommy to cooperate with THEM.. they need to cooperate with ME too. Or, I will not cooperate, either. That we are a "team" and a "family."
My son, who is 3 almost 4... will tell me when I am 'grumpy' and frowning... "Mommy we are family... smile... behave..." and he will try to make me laugh. He gets the gist of the 'lesson.' The gist is... my kids, as we taught them, know we are a "team" and a "family"... and what this is.... about how to treat each other. But if we are not pleasant or feeling 'grumpy' they CAN tell me, and express that too. And we help each other.... through it. I don't expect 'perfection' from my kids... but that they 'try their best..."
That and pick your battles....

I really recommend the book.

all the best,
Susan

Just a side note there are some good things in your responses, but as for the "I guarantee 95% of repeat felons were spanked" that is an absolute bogus comment, it is actually nearly the reverse if you research.

Anyway on to the normalcy of chaos. I had found myself yelling when I was stressed, trying to get things done around the house that I deemed important, and the kids were 'in the way'. Then I changed my thinking. We all can recite what's really important in life, but many of us overlook it. I have found that when I engage my kids in play, take them outside, concentrate on what they want to do, and include them in my day to day housework, I yell so much less because they are getting the attention they need, and actually want to spend time with me doing my boring things. We sort laundry by color, they put away dishes (younger ones get to sort silverware) we play games like how many animals can you name while I'm cooking, they help wash dishes, I give them the mop or broom. They don't do a great job, but they all can help. The more time I give to my kids the less I find them being disobedient. I'm not perfect by far, but when I was going nuts I decided to look at my own actions throughout the day, take responsibility for what I say and do and it has greatly improved things in this house.

Take care, you'll figure it out, good for you for asking for advice, we can all learn something from each other, and be encouraged! Love those kiddos.

D.

We're working on this with our 3 year old right now. We had slowly started getting more lax without really realizing it, and I was starting to hear myself getting frustrated too. So we just reeled him WAY back in. If he doesn't listen & do what he's told the very first time, there is a big consequence. No arguing, no negotiating, that's it. The first day was really, really tough. He spent half the day in time out and got several spankings. But the very next day was great! We kept up with the discipline but only had to get stern with him once or twice. I have found that he just really loves arguing with me and seeing if he can wear me down. If I don't allow any arguing, he finally takes me seriously and things are much better. Good luck to you...I feel your pain!

One thing I started doing several years ago was to follow my own advice. When I started getting angry, I put myself on time out :) :) :)

"MOMMY is going on TIME OUT. I will talk with you when I am calm." And I would deposit kiddo in his crib (until he was 3, we kept the crib), or in his room. And he was not allowed out until *I* was calm.

Oh, my, god. The peace that getting your temper back can bring.

I read an article recently on discipline for children and one point really sunk in - if you treat adults with courtesy and respect, why not your children?

Children (and for that manner, everyone) react better to kindness. I know it's easy to say when you're not in the moment of frustration with the kiddos. But if you remain calm and polite, your children will eventually model this same behavior.

Think about the last time you saw well-behaved children. I would bet you that the parents were just as well behaved.

Hope it helps...

I get a lot of my sanity and self control back each time I read (re-read) How To Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids will talk.
In addition, when I practice the methods they suggest, I often get the results I'm looking for from my 5 year old. I highly recommend it, but like anything, I lapse and he changes, and I need to read it again sometimes.
I'm sure you can get it from a local library - it's tried and true. I bought my own copy and keep it near the nightstand.

Things can get better. Hang in and keep looking for inspirations.

Well, I think you need to start by not repearting yourself 20 times! I know that is easier said than done most days, but seriously, you need to give directions and expect them to be followed through. If you're using time outs, try giving them a direction once and if it isn't done, go to time out. For the 2 year old you probably should use a warning first, but on some non-negotiables (like hitting or something) you could probably send them straight to time out b/c those actions are never acceptable. 4 and 2 are hard ages so don't be too hard on yourself! Mine are almost 3 and almost 1 and there are some days I feel ready for the looney bin, so my best advice is agree to be more consistent and you'll all feel better!!

I could have written this post, word for word. I have a 5 and 2 year old and I've lost my patience. Some days, I cannot stand the mother I have become, and I have to get myself in check and take a few deep breaths. One thing I've learned is that my kids want the yelling, because it's attention. That sounds weird. But for them, if I just ignore them and act like I'm not bothered by them, then they move one and find an activity. My oldest actually laughs at me sometimes when I raise my voice. It doesn't phase her. So I'm coming to realize that it's not getting me anywhere. I now do more ignoring and it keeps me calm, and they eventually get into something different.

Consistency....
No matter what they do - no matter how many times they do it - the result HAS to be the same.
If they are hitting - they go to time out. There are no chances.
If they argue - they go to time out. If they argue with you - that's your fault... don't engage them - put them back in time out... again and again and again.
If they are sneaking, they don't respect you.
They don't respect you because you are not consistent.
YMMV
LBC

maybe time-outs aren't being effective anymore. 20x is TOO much! a different consequence is in order. maybe a sticker chart for positive behaviors combined with taking a fav. toy away for a few hours/a day when/if it is the source of the problem. Also, you might try the "I'm very disappointed in your behavior" speech--kids want your adoration and don't want to disappoint--amazing how a few choice words can change behavior.

When I yell, my kids get upset and the decibels only go higher, so if I find my own tolerance meter peaking out, I tell hubby I need a night off. Perhaps it's time to treat mommy to a massage or girls night out.

Also, mine are younger, but when I had laryngitis, I had to let them work out their battles on their own--it was so hard not to step in, but it only took a minute and they moved on from the crying fight over a toy--so I learned that I don't have to intervene every time. So as long as they're not endangering anyone, I remind myself of that lesson and bite my tongue.

It sounds like you may be in the mode that a lot of mommies get into, of wanting to tell the kids what to do and get immediate results so you can go on with your household tasks. Then when you don't, you begin to get frustrated until you find yourself yelling at them. Maybe you need to just stop, put aside all those "pressing" duties you have, and sit down with your children and talk out the misbehaviors you are seeing. Once they get used to the idea that their play is going to be totally interrupted because Mom is going to "have the talk" with them, they may decide that responding more quickly when you speak is a better option for them to choose. Don't expect this to be a miracle cure, because at 2 and 4 they are still learning consequences for behavior, but it may help in the long run.

go to your room and take many deep breaths...by you being quiet will get their attention much better than yelling, I know easier said than done, but believe me, it will get their attention...it is much better to be silent than yell...it will make them wonder...

Two tricks I use with my 6 and 3 yo:

1. When they aren't listening and I can feel myself getting to the yelling point, I very calmly say "I am really trying to not get upset but I am starting to lose my patience. I really need you to listen to me." or something like that. It seems to work best when they are having one of those days where they can't leave each other alone but fight when they're together.

2. If it's a matter of them not doing what I ask, then they might miss out on something they wanted to do. For example, there are times when my son decides he wants to play instead of getting ready for bed and I'm tired of nagging. I'll tell him, "I set this timer for 10 minutes and when it rings, I am going to start reading the book. If you are not ready for bed, you will miss some of the book." There is usually some brief screaming and crying, but he gets it done and I don't have to listen to myself nag, nag, nag.

I had to stop time-outs earlier with my son than my daughter. They just didn't work anymore. Now, if Mater drives on the piano while the baby is sleeping, Mater has to go to his garage on top of the refrigerator until tomorrow. I try to be creative so I won't lose my sanity. Good luck, and when the going gets tough, go grocery shopping by yourself!

i have a three yr old. i try to tell her when i am starting to get angry. i keep my firm, soft voice and say: "if you don't do ____, i am going to raise my voice. do you want to me yell? i don't either, and you know what you need to do right now..."

that has helped a bit. i tell her why i yell (because of lack of response when i spoke normally) and let her know i really don't enjoy it, but that i need results and i'll get them by any means necessary.

good luck mama!

Sorry, I didn't see your question the first time around, for whatever reason. Just wanted to mention a technique that has helped me and some other moms I know. There's a book called 1-2-3 Magic--the idea is that you count behaviors that you want to stop. For instance, your kids are fighting, you say, "that's one." The idea is to get them to learn to self-regulate (they hear that, and know that they need to make a different choice). Also, to keep the parent from flying off the handle. When you get to three (if they don't stop at 1 or 2), there is a consequence. The book is an easy read, quick, easy to implement, and it's REALLY helped me. Good luck.

Two year olds and four year olds are both at stages where they are naturally inclined to test limits. It is a developmental stage we all go through intermittently while growing up. It is hard to keep our adult perspective when two children are going through this period at the same time ( while at different levels)

Keep in mind that 1. you are still the most important and beloved person in their lives and 2.they do need to know what limits are for their own safety and perspective in the world.

How to do this without getting all stressed out and starting to feel out of control ourselves is the challenge.

Some hints are that children actually seem to hear and understand better if you get down to their level physically and look closely into their eyes and speak so softly they need to work at being able to hear.

Try to divide and conquer and not deal with both at the same time but separate them and talk to each separately. Even though testing limits and boundaries is a common issue , since they are at different ages, the actual limits and boundaries may be different for each child.

I think they will settle down once they actually know what your limits and rules and expectations are and what the consequences are if they go beyond.
Also remember that time out is shorter for younger children even though they may seem to need more of a punishment. It should be a way of stopping and thinking about what has just happened not an actual punishment for bad behavior

Like always, offering alternate choices for the undesirable actions might help them learn something (which is after all the mutual goal you all have) so offering a plastic table cloth or drop cloth with paints ,water, smocks and big pieces of paper and supervision instead of blowing up when they decide to be creative and paint the walls with their muddy hands could be fun for all if mommy has the time to join in. But first the mess has to be cleaned up and it is ok to help them do this.

And if they can't go in the pool or to the beach, and you dont want to put up the wading pool , small tubs or pans of water and some kitchen tools or cups and spoons on the patio or even on a drop cloth on the kitchen floor could help get that water play need fulfilled.

Sometimes the four year old needs to have a space the two year old can't get into so structures can be made and not destroyed by little sibling.

Anticipating things starting to get out of hand and offering suggestions or finding out what each perceives as a need can help avert the situations where you feel so frustrated.

Good luck. This too shall pass... and blessings on the whole family!!

N.

It sounds like your kids are wearing you down.
For what it's worth, kids will do that if they think there's a chance they'll get away with it. It sounds like the yelling is bothering you more than it's bothering the kids.
I think there's a difference between yelling and raising your voice. For instance, I could be in the kitchen and hear water running in the bathroom and know my kids were up to no good 10 minutes after I told them no filling up balloons with water in the house. Raising my voice so they could hear me telling them to take them outside would not be the same as yelling at them in a fury because they tried it anyway. Do what I said or no balloons at all.
If I yelled because I was pissed, my kids knew they were in trouble.
It didn't happen often. But, I also didn't ask them 20 times to do something or put them in time out 20 times.
If your kids can be little demons, (and let's face it, they all can sometimes), you just need to let them know you have a grip on it and you're not taking it.
Time outs don't seem to be working and yelling apparently seems to be something mommy just does when she's at her wits end and worn down. It doesn't sound like they're taking it very seriously.
You can turn things around, but it will take a little work.
It's no wonder you're frustrated, so you have to make sure they know you mean business when you tell them something.
Ask nicely once. Make them look at you and repeat what you said so there's no doubt that they heard you. Then, be prepared for a consistent consequence if they blow you off and follow through with it.
You don't have to yell. You can very calmly tell them both that you have new rules. You are done arguing, you are done yelling, your are done asking them to do something or NOT do it 20 times. You will say something once and they better listen or they will be walked to a corner to stand there with their nose in it. And, they might want to be quiet when they're there so they can hear and listen when you tell them it's time to come out.
It won't be easy at first because they're used to pushing your buttons. They have to get used to the exact opposite.
The great thing is that every day is the chance for a new start.
Let your kids know what you expect up front.
Good morning! I love you! Today....we're going to have a good day! We are going to have breakfast and get dressed and we're not going to argue and we're not going to ignore mommy and we're not going to be sneaky. Let's have a good morning and after lunch, maybe we can make some frozen treats together. But, mommy needs your help by listening and minding so mommy doesn't need to raise her voice. We're going to work together today for this. Okay?
If they don't listen and act up, don't yell....just say no frozen treats and explain why, and you'll try again tomorrow.
In the meantime, it's the corner for not listening. No going to the park. No fun stuff.
With kids this young, do things in blocks of time. If we have a good morning, we'll do something special after lunch. After lunch, if we have a good afternoon until dinner, we'll have something special after dinner.
Something "special" can be baking cupcakes to surprise daddy or getting the frozen treats you prepared earlier in the day.
It's summer and hot where you are so fun summer things should be a great incentive.
Fruit kabobs are super fun for kids. Cut the sharp tips off of the wooden skewers and let them put grapes, watermelon, cantelope, apple and orange pieces, pineapple chunks....
You can also use skewers with the sharp tips cut off and cut into little "handle size" pieces to make frozen treats. Fill ice cube trays with juice, cover with foil and insert a wooden skewer into each section. Put them in the freezer until done.

Have a reward of some kind for when they listen and follow instructions and have consequences if they don't.

Never let them see you sweat!
YOU have to let them know that you won't get worn down no matter how many tricks they have up their sleeves.

Best wishes!

Mom,
Sounds like u have gotten into a bad habit of yelling at your kids, just curious were you yelled at as a child. When they anger you I would walk into another room and count to 10 inside and tell yourself you can get a
handle on their beahvior another way. I teach young children and am a mom too. My philosophy is the Golden Rule, treat children and people, the way you want to be treated .I imagine that means not beiong yelled at. I would definitely have known consequences for the older child any or you still can do the time-outs with both but they have to be done consistently by you and Dad. Give the older child one chance to do what you've asked, 2nd time is time out. The younger child can follow the same rules but realize he/her is still quite young. When talking to both about thier behavior when it is always best to get down at thier eye level and talk to them, do your best not to raise your voice. Tell them what you want them to do like "please use gentle hands with your brother" not no hitting. You can also say things like in 5 minutes we need to put our toys away and get ready for lunch. Then tell them you are going to have a contest and see who can pick up the most totoys, you, your 4 yr old or the 2 yr old. It makes clean -up fun for them. ALso be sure you are praising the kids often when they are behaving and making good choices, even when just playing together, older child charing a toy with younger chld etc. Just say things like 'Mommy really likes how you picked up the toys so fast me, you are so big," Periodic praise during the day helps promote better behavior. I might also suggest you ck out a few bks at the library in parenting section on discipline methods for young chldren and read a few. I read quite a few when my child was younger, they give you good ideas on alternative methods of discipline. There are some good ones out there. Good luck to you Mom, you can change your yelling habit with effort and iit will make you fell much better about yourself. Your kids will feel better too.