W.W.
I have two boys - 17 and 15. I can yell. I have yelled. I don't think I've ever met a mom who hasn't yelled.
I count down from 5. **IF** I hit "1"? The stuff hits the fan. They know it. I started counting when they were 8 and 6. If not a tad bit earlier. Told them it was time to clean up. Told them if it wasn't cleaned up - any toys I touched were mine. They didn't believe me at first. Boy. Did they learn otherwise. They had to EARN all their toys back - LEGOs, Kinex, etc.
I told them my expectations. I told them what would happen if my expectations were not met. I used to yell - A LOT - not proud of it - but I did. Then I started counting. It helped me. It showed them I was serious. Hell, even my dog knows when I am counting to get with the program!!
You're doing too many things. Stop changing it up. It takes AT LEAST two weeks for a behavior to change and at least TWO MONTHS to make it "work". You're changing things up without giving them a chance. Nothing is working because you keep moving the goal posts. STOP MOVING THE GOAL POSTS!!!
Family contract. Family Rules. ALL Must abide. Give them their list of responsibilities. Give them the consequences for each responsibility that is not met.
Now that my kids are older? A senior and a sophomore. Driving. Driving is a privilege and NOT a "RIGHT". They have to EARN IT. My youngest is getting his license and learning behind the wheel.
I have and WILL take away their cell phones. I have made it to where they can ONLY call 9-1-1, me or their dad. NO ONE else. I've restricted their usage to 0% because they were missing homework and playing on their phone instead. They KNOW I'm serious. They MIGHT try and test to see if the goal post has changed, but overall? NO.
For the longest time, we had a chart in the kitchen of everything EVERYONE in the house was expected to do. Laundry, dog walking, setting the table, pouring the drinks, trash, recycling, humidifier, making beds, changing towels out, putting soap in the soap containers...ALL of us were on the list. Now it's a routine. NOW we don't need it. Routine. Goal Posts - NOT MOVING THEM! Set your expectations. Make sure they know it. DO NOT change things up after a few weeks. GIVE IT TIME. And enforce the rules and expectations. Count down. Set a timer. Do what works for you. Counting works for me.
You can get control.