Help!!! I Need Advice!!!

I think your plan is very reasonable. What does you Aunt think? Maybe she would let you stay with or by her to be in the wings until you find out what's what? If you don't live too far away for some quick travel, everything sounds fine. BUt you have a relationship with both your gmom and aunt, so you do have a right to be in the loop, regardless of how BM feels. Your Aunt should be a good sounding board, since she knows everyone involved.

Good luck.

I think you should take a page out of your bmom's book and stop caring what she wants. I second calling your aunt and talking to her / the doctors - and then make the decision as though you were going to visit a good friend who had a child who didn't much care for you.

From experience - the odds are good that your bmom will not be ready to meet until she is broke or dying.

S.

I, like many who've written before me, think you should go. Quit worrying about what your birthmother thinks. You have a bond with your birthgrandmother, and you have the right to see her before something happens.

Call your aunt, let her know that you're coming to visit your grandmother. Ask her to tell your grandmother that you are coming, and make sure there is no other family around at the time. In the event that there is other family there when you show up, wait until they are gone then visit.

Good luck and I hope you are able to make the decision that is best for you.

Hi K.,

After reading about your situation I can only come to offer the advice that you do go immediately, for your sake and your grandmother's. Excitement yes, but think about the positive excitement it will bring her possibly resulting in a speedy recovery. She will know that no matter what you are very concerned about her well being and that you love her very much. The idea of keeping this as discreet as possible is important too as not to interfere with your Birth Mother since she is definitely impartial to your actual pressence at this time. You don't want to create stress but aleviate some by surprising your Grandmother.
This is just my opinion, I don't think it is worth regret in the end if you do not go. There may not be another opportunity like this ever considering your Grandmother's condition. You might want to consider making arrangements to see her at a time when your Birth Mother will not be there just to safeguard the situation.
I wish you the best of luck! God Bless!

Go see your birthgrandma! Life is too short and your bm is being selfish.

Gosh, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. If I was you I would not worry about speaking your birth mom's feelings, she cannot tell your grandmother who she cannot/can see. This not about your BM it is about the relationship you have built with your grandmother. Looking at what you said I think you should really go, only because you don't seem like you can deal with your feelings if she does pass. If she does you will feel guilt, wander what would have happened if you went, and always second guess yourself. If you go the only bad thing that could come of it is that your BM will be upset, if she is any kind of person she will eventually get over her anger and see where you are coming from. I don't mean to be rude, but if she doesn't come around and understand that is her loss not yours. You cannot go through life wondering what would have happened if you went. Can you call your grandmother and ask her if she would like you to come? I think it may be a surprise but I am sure it will be a welcomed one.

Your grandmother is in my prayers, I hope your grandmother recovers fully and you get to meet her whether it be now or later on in life. Good luck, and please keep everyone informed.

I agree with everyone here. Go meet your Grandmother. Your mother is try to control your life without having any right to. If your other family mmeber want to meet you and have as your Aunt has then just do it. Because I tell you something if your Grandmother passes and you don't go see her you are going to have a lot of guilt on your shoulders. To me your Birth mother doesn't have any guilt in her, if she did she would be more welcoming and understanding. Just my opinion.
Good Luck

The family dynamic is so interesting to me. I'm intrigued by the fact that your birth mom doesn't want you to meet the rest of YOUR family until she's ready to meet you first. That seems selfish and controlling. If she doesn't want to meet you yet, she doesn't have to. But if you want to meet your Birth Grandmother and she wants to meet you as well, I think you have every right to do that and you should probably do that asap given her current situation. Since you are hesitant because you're concerned it might be too much excitement, you might get your birth aunt to check with the doctors and just make sure it won't cause too much stress for your grandmother. If they give the ok, and you're sure you want to meet her, I personally wouldn't put it off. If she passes before you can meet her fact-to-face, you will probably feel a lot of regret about your decision. To me, regret is one of the worst feelings in the world. I try to avoid it at all costs. I try to base my actions and decisions on ways to keep from having regret.

Good luck to you. My prayers are with you and your family.

Your story compelled me to tell you this.

You bm gave you up for adoption, not your bgrandma. Re gardless of what your bm wants you should go and visit your grandma, before it is too late to tell her of the connection and bond you share with her. Would it be too much on her? I don't really think it would be a negative strain on her. when you are sick, the more people to show they love you the better you feel.

Please go meet your bgrandma. I bet it would make her very happy. You can always let your Aunt know you will be comming and to let your grandma know so she is not shocked!

Good luck, and I will pray that your grandma makes it for many years so that she can get to know you!

I think you should go. Once you get there have your aunt help you in determining when your "birthmom" won't be there so you can just visit with your grandma. It sounds like it is just your "birthmom" that put you up for adoption. It is like your mom's side of the family never stopped loving you and accepting you in their family. My mom is still thinking of only herself and wants to only do stuff when she wants to do it. It is not your mom that is sick it is your grandma-you will regret not going to see her now incase something happens. You may think it will cause stress on your grandma but I think it is the true love that may pull her out of it. It will show her how how much you truly love her to by coming to see her when she was at her lowest. Even your husband says to go and he knows you the best. So go and just ignore your "birthmom" if she tries to talk or yell at you for coming just tell her this isn't the time or place to talk to me and I am not ready to talk to you right now. What do you have to lose a "birthmom" that isn't ready to see you-you have your grandma and aunt that love you.

Wow Hon!

I just want to say how you are handeling this sounds very mature! I have never been in a situation like yours before (I'm not adopted), but having several adopted friends and famil7y members, and talking to them on this issue and others like this over the years, I can relate to where you are coming from on a friend stand-point.
Utimately, I say the dicision on what to do is yours and yours alone!
That said, you are obviously not out to harm your bmom (you sound soo sincere in protecting her feelings). You have honored her wishes not to yet meet her to this point, so, as long as you keep her feelings in mind and are reasonable, you have EVERY right in the world to meet your bgrandma (as you had every right to meet your baunt and any other family member that knows of you already and wishes to meet you) if that is her (your bgrandma's) wish. Think of it more as a mutual agreement between the two of you and not going behind your bmom because she has the opportunity to meet you too (and has declined) and your bgrandma was aware or told by your bmom of you, so you are not breaking an ethical boundary!

This is just me, but I think If I were in your shoes, I would need the closure of meeting her in my life, either when she is with us on this earth (to close the void of something missing for both of you) or, secondly, to show honor to her at her funeral and for closure. I feel if I were in your shoes, I would regret it if I did not make the trip. For me personally, I did not see my grandfather off to heaven 10 years ago because I was too imature and still to this day regret it!
Also, if she is stable, I see no reason why you can't and shouldn't go meet her ASAP and get to enjoy some time with her! She would prob. love it and it may AID in her recovery, not hinder it--something for her to look forward to! Talk to her or her drs., or your aunt about it and see if she/they show interest! No one else around has to know you are her granddaughter if you want to keep it under wraps for your mom's sake (if someone asks, you can just say long lost friends/associates that met via mutual contacts-and you wouldn't be lying).

So, to sum:
?1) I say do what you think is best for you and your bgrandma: consider if you or she will you regret it if you can't meet while she is in a good enough state to enjoy your meeting or, at least before she passes?
?2) YES, I say it's OK! Follow your desire with confidence!
?3) YES, I say it's OK! Follow your desire with confidence!

I will pray for you!
T.

If I was you I would find a time to go see her just in case she doesn't make it. I believe that she would love to see you no matter what the situation is. You and your family are in my prayers and I hope it gets easier.