Hi ladies! Quick update: still working on things with hubs. He has been trying to balance his work schedule to allow me time for other stuff. I still find myself doing most of the chores, but that's how it goes. If I really let the dishes pile up he will do them. I did organize a mom weekend, so there is sonething to look forward to. Oh well, it is not perfect, but it could be so much worse!
I have an entirely new question. I grew up never knowing my dad-- my parents divorced before I was born. I just found out his name and that he passed away suddenly several years ago. My grandma is apparently still living and will be 90 this year. I was able to track down an uncle and cousins, but I don't know what to do. I have no motive other than curiosity of who my dad was, who I look like, maybe a little health history, and possibly meet my grandma before she passes. My question is, after all this time should I even bother?
I do not want to cause stress/grief to a 90 year old woman or any of the family-- there are about 50 immediate members (8 kids, plus numerous grandkids my age and older, with great grandkids my kids ages). I am my dad's only child and he never remarried. I thought about contacting the oldest, an uncle, explaining the situation, and asking his thoughts. My mom told me that they had every opportunity to find me and never did. I'm not so sure about that. I have absolutely zero expectations (I don't expect to be welcomed after 30 years) and that's why I wonder if it would be best to let it go. Could it do more harm than good? Your thoughts? How do I even begin the conversation?? Thank you!
I would contact a bunch of them, don't let one person decide if you contact the grandmother or not. That one person might have had a grudge or might have no idea if she'd like to meet you or not.
I would go for it. To meet more family, to belong, that's important.
A couple of years before I was born my aunt gave birth to a girl whom she placed for adoption, and recently I was finally able to meet her. I know my aunt is beyond thrilled to reunite with the daughter she said goodbye to so many years ago. Personally, I am so glad I got to meet my cousin. I loved getting to know her and her husband. I loved sharing stories about our grandparents. I loved listening to talk about her life and her family. I loved it!
If you want to know more about your dad and his family, go for it. I suspect there's no way to guard your heart on this one. No matter how hard you try, if they are not interested, it's going to hurt. But I don't believe you're going to feel any better if you never try. I think, instead, you would be living with regret.
I understand that you shouldn't "expect to be welcomed after 30 years," but that doesn't mean you won't be. The thing is, you don't know what they know. Your mom said that they could have contacted you and chose not to. I'm not so sure you know that for certain. You don't know what your dad said. You don't know what he thought you or your mom wanted. You just don't know.
My cousin was welcomed (wholeheartedly) after 40+ years. Why wouldn't you be welcomed, too!?!
You won't know unless you try ...
At 90 years old a person is old enough to tell you what they want to do. Go for it. You could end up deciding you don't want to have anything to do with them however. Best of luck!
I've had several friends contact their relations (biological parents or parents they just weren't in contact with growing up). They all found they had closure - answers to their questions or curiosity. In some cases, the families were a tad dysfunctional and they didn't keep contact up afterwards. In one friend's case, the relatives were really interested in her more so than her in them and they kept pushing for relationships. So be aware - and cautiously approach the uncle, and don't give too much personal information to him. See what kind of vibe you get. I'm sure your grandmother would be interested in meeting you.
IMO, you have nothing to lose by reaching out. I would reach out to the oldest child and let him know that if he thinks she is up for it, that you would like to meet your grandmother and to learn more about your dad and meet or communicate with any family members who are open to it. Maybe I'm a pollyanna, but in cases that I know of where children were cut off from a part of their family though divorce, estranged relationships or even adoption, the reunions have been positive.
I think as long as you have zero expectations, you should contact the uncle. Explain as briefly as you can, and say that if he, or someone else in the family is willing, you'd like to meet for coffee somewhere neutral.
He might ignore you, he might tell you that he hated your mom and the family wants nothing to do with you. Or, he might be curious to meet you too. You just never know.
I have a friend on the other side of this. She was contacted by a half-sister who she knew existed, but had no other information about. The dad had left one mom for the other, and on both sides they assumed that the other siblings hated them for what happened, so neither tried to contact the other for 40+ years. After all this time, the half sister reached out, expecting to be rebuffed but figuring it couldn't hurt to try. They have talked a few times and while they don't really consider each other "family" (you can't make up for 40+ years spent apart in a short time), my friend is glad to know her half-sister and the extended family on that side and considers her a friend. So, I have personal experience with someone who had a happy ending to this type of story. So, I say go for it but with very very low expectations in case nothing comes of it.
Hello there. I am in agreement with others that you have nothing to lose when contacting the other side of your family. Considering you mentioned the fact that your parents divorced before you were born, I wonder if your father was even aware of your birth, or assuming he was, if he even told other members of his family about you, so perhaps that comment about "My mom told me that they had every opportunity to find me and never did" is inaccurate because they were unaware of your existence. How can they search for someone they don't know is alive?
Instead of spending a lifetime wondering about the "what ifs," I would just contact the uncle and see if they want to welcome you. If not, then such is life and you'll just have to move on, but if they do, you'll realize what you would have missed out on had you not taken that step. Considering you're your father's only child, I would think they'd be thrilled to get to meet you. I'm assuming that the grandmother is not on social media, so contacting her might be a little harder, especially given her age. She may not be able to read anymore if you send her mail, perhaps she has a caretaker or a family member that does all that for her and they might intercept communication. I think contacting the uncle's a good idea, and the best way to go, given the circumstances. Best of luck!
Sometimes family is curious, sometimes they think you want something (money) from them.
What sort of harm do you think could happen?
I guess you can try, and see what happens.
I would maybe contact all the older children by email, introduce yourself and lay our your intentions and see what kind of feedback you get.
If uncle says no, I would have a back-up names to call. You just never know the dynamics of the family. He could be very warm and welcoming, or protective of his mother or possibly just a jerk. But I'm guessing there will be people that would love to meet you!
contact the one and see where it goes. it may go nowhere or it may be the start of a fun fantastic realtionship. you won't know till you try
