Help, I Don't Know What to Do and I Am Scared for My Daughter and Myself.

I am hoping you can help me with a situation. I need a diverse selection of advice here. I don't quite know how to deal with what happened yesterday.

My five yr old daughter and I were at our pool yesterday. My daughter was playing, and as usual, talking to everyone who came down to the pool. The residents here know her. They all know that if she's being a nuisance, they can tell her to leave them alone, and she will. (If she doesn't, she goes into time out.) These people always speak to my daughter and they even bring her treats. They'll play w/ her in the pool and seem like they have a blast interacting with her.

That being said, there are those people who just don't like kids, and my daughter has tried her hardest to make them change their minds. She will bring them her snacks and offer to share, color them pictures, and will get the gate for them. These people have warmed up to her. They very often will invite her to sit at their table and color next to them , but sometimes they are just not in the mood, they'll tell her to leave. She's learning to pick up on this before they even say anything and will leave them alone. I used to have to tell her to do so a couple of times and I would have to enforce it w/ a time out, but not so much anymore. I know that she isn't perfect and she does get into trouble. I am always quick to put her into time out and I always make her apologize if she's done something wrong. EVERYONE knows this and they have NO problem coming to me w/ ANY problems they have w/ her or myself. (AND they do come to me to complain about EVERY little thing!)

Now there is one little boy, about 8 or 9, who comes to the pool with his older father. This little boy has made it quite plain he does not like my daughter. He's called her names and he's pushed her once. EVERY time this has happened, I've told my daughter that she needs to leave him alone and that he just doesn't want to play w/ her. I've told her that he doesn't like her and she needs to stay AWAY from him. I've explained to her that older little boys do not like playing with younger little girls. When she is bugging him, I move her away from him, and if need be, she goes into time out.

I haven't said one word to this child or his father. His father sits there, reading, and can see and hear everything. I assumed he would tell his little boy to be nice and to just tell my daughter to leave him alone. (I guess I thought that he was pretty much telling him what I was telling her.) I must mention that this little boy has no problem playing w/ my daughter IF she has toys out that he wants to play with. I know this is how kids are and I've told my daughter that she should share w/ everyone, but to stop the minute anyone does or says something mean to her. I say this to her with that little boy and another little girl @ the pool in mind. She hasn't quite grasped that lesson, even when told bluntly. She adores people and can't really see the bad in anyone. *sigh*

This little boy and his father came down to the pool. For the first time this summer, the father got into the pool to play w/ his son. My daughter left them alone the entire time they were playing with their beach ball. When they got out of the pool, my daughter went over to ask if she could play w/ the ball. She was told no, so she left and came to me to play. I told her that I wasn't feeling well and maybe she could play by herself by the steps.

I am disabled and am not always able to play around w/ her and before I get reprimanded for not being in the pool w/ her- we have lifeguards less than four feet away from the steps. They are all aware of my disabilities and they do watch her extra close while she's in the water alone. They are ALL ok with it. If they weren't, I would know, because they would tell me, and I would be banned from the pool. My daughter can also swim very well; Thanks to the lessons the lifeguards have given her.

Back to what happened: My daughter went into the pool house to get her toys out of the pool house. The next thing I know, the father is coming out of the pool house screaming at my daughter. He was yelling at her to get her a** over to me. He then comes up to me and starts screaming and shaking his finger in my face. He yells, at the top of his lungs, that she had followed his son into the boys restroom. I PROMPTLY put her into time out and before I could thank him for getting her, he gets right up into my face and starts screaming again. He was very angry and I was scared that he was going to hit me if I said anything to him, so I just sat there and listened to him yell about how I was a horrible mother who had her nose in a book and never watched my kid.

This isn't true, I watch her like a hawk, esp. at the pool. I will be honest and say that there are times she does get into things, but what kid doesn't and what person is so perfect as to be able to watch everything at once? Every time she does something wrong, she is punished and she knows this, so she usually won't do something wrong.

He also yelled at me that she was always bugging people at the pool and that she was a horrible little brat. Again, not true, she can be a brat, but she isn't a horrid kid. She always says please, thank you, and like I said before, will leave people alone if they ask or tell her.

He walked away and I turned to my daughter to talk to her about how very wrong it is to go into the boys bathroom. As I was speaking to my daughter, the father comes back and starts screaming at me again. He was screaming so loud, I couldn't understand what he was saying. Again, I just sat there. I didn't say a word to him. I was just astonished that he would come back and start yelling all over again! He did eventually walk away to get his kid and their stuff together so they could leave.

After he and his kid leave the pool, my daughter tells me she didn't go into the boys room after him. She went in there to get some dive sticks that the life guard had told her she could play with last week. Now, I know how my kid thinks, and I'm inclined to believe her. I heard the life guard tell her she could play with the dive sticks and I heard the guard tell her where they were. She simply didn't understand that you never ever go into the boys restroom esp. if there are boys in there! (She does now, believe it!)

My question is, what if anything, should I say to this man today? He will be there w/ his son and his boy will be playing around my daughter. I can stay home, but what good will that do? I am bound to run into him again, and to be honest, why should we stay home? My kid did do wrong, and has been punished for it, and very probably will NOT do it again. (She was so frightened of him, she was shaking, she's never been screamed at like that before by anyone.) She's also very sorry, if that means anything to anyone. Staying home will serve no purpose; Except to further punish her for, what seems to be, an innocent mistake.

I've been thinking I should bake some cookies and bring them over to his table and attempt to talk to him about what happened. I would like to apologize for my daughter and the misunderstanding. I would also like an apology for the way he spoke to me, but I realize that probably isn't going to happen, but hey- who knows? He could have been having a bad day and I was just the right person at the right time. (I have ascertained by watching him and his wife at the pool & in other common areas, that they are having some kind of problem, BUT it's none of my business. I've just heard them yelling at each other.)

My husband thinks I should be wary of the guy and he's also spoken to our daughter about how wrong it is to go into the boys room. He's told her to leave that little boy alone, and if she doesn't, she's getting a spanking. He's also told me that if this man gets near me again to call the cops. I don't want to do that. I would prefer to handle this in a civil manner. The cops have much better things to do than sort out disagreeing neighbors, esp. over something this small.

Should I just leave it alone or should I try to resolve this?
What should I do if he comes over screaming at me again?
I am not a confrontational person; I just can't handle the stress of it.
Am I in the wrong for even thinking about trying to make peace?
Am I doing something wrong with how I discipline my kid? I think that I am a little too strict at times, but I could be wrong.
Is what she did really that bad? The last time something like this happened to me, I was in high school, and the solution that worked there will not work here. I'm not capable of getting up in someones face and screaming back @ them, besides, that behavior is so childish and doesn't solve anything!

I think the father over reacted a lot and we both should apologize and go on like adults. Am I really that wrong or am I totally missing something here? Is it really no big deal, am I making it out to be bigger than it really is, or should I call the cops belatedly and report him?

I stayed up all last night worrying about this. I already feel like I'm walking a tight rope @ this place. We rent our condo, everyone knows it, and some people make a point of being snobbish to us because of it. The board has censored my landlady over some things that we had put up in the window, not knowing it was against the rules and regulations. (We took them down immediately) Our front steps are also broken and they are not being fixed in, what some people, consider a timely manner. I've been left notes about this and honestly, I can't do anything about it!

You would be surprised how ticked off some people get about things like the steps, the pictures in the window, the flowers I've planted outside, etc... I've also stuck my neck out for one of the lifeguards by writing a letter to the board about how he was being treated by a couple of the residents. I wrote it very nicely and asked for a addendum to the rules and regs about respecting the lifeguards authority @ the pool and just being respectful to them in general. (Just because they work here is no reason to treat them badly and they are treated badly. They are lifeguards, not man servants! ) One of the women who does this is very spiteful and is very ticked off at me because I wrote the letter and it looks like the addendum is going to pass. I guess as a renter, I have no right to suggest anything to anyone about everything.

I'm worried that she and her friends are going to try to have us banned from the pool and eventually kicked out. She's already pushed for the HOA to put a lean on the condo over the steps and they're voting on it this Thursday. If they do that, they can kick us out if our landlady doesn't get the steps fixed by who they want to fix them. She's having her uncle do them at the end of the month and that's just not good enough. They want their professional to do it at an exorbitant cost.

I'm very stressed over this and I know I shouldn't let the drama get to me, but it does, esp. when I've got someone screaming at me. I don't understand what we've done wrong here. I don't even really understand what my daughter did wrong. Sure, she went into the bathroom, but wouldn't just telling her to leave be enough? Why all the screaming? Why, if we're hated that badly, are some of the owners coming to us and asking us to rent from them instead of our landlady? (They are BEGGING us!) I won't do that because I don't trust them. I'm afraid if we do, they will find a way to evict us and we'll be the creek w/o a paddle. I LOVE our landlady to pieces and could never "stab" her in the back like that.

Any advice given will be appreciated and I'm sorry for dumping all this on everyone. I just need to vent/talk to someone and it seems like my husband isn't getting it. (He's all for filing a law suit against everyone.)