Help! I Cant Handle My Son

Another simple thing to try, my daughter reacted very badly to the multi-vitamins that she was on at that age. I took her off of them and the behavior almost stopped completly. Also watch if the behavior is in response to a particular food, color dye in food, etc. It could be a food allergy. Good luck.

First, allow me to say I am not a therapist. My opinion is that this boy is screaming for attention. He is now conditioned to reveiving negative attention. You really need to find a way to spend time with him apart from his siblings. Let him know that he is important and that you love him. A day with just him and Mom doing some activity that her really enjoys. From there begin to reward hi good behavior to condition him to positive attention. I'm sure this will not be easy, but he was your first and he now needs to know that he still is important. At least that what the behavior you are describing sounds like.

It sounds like you have a lot to handle with three small children (are the two and a half year olds twins?)--I have only one, and I think it's a lot! Children will do just about anything to get our attention. He probably senses that you are busy with everything else, and he knows that acting out will get your attention, even if it's negative. In terms of the swearing, I'm told the best thing to do is to NOT make a big deal of it. As awful as soap and hot sauce are, they are still getting him attention of some kind..... I've also been told to talk to the child in private, when things have settled down, that those words are ugly words, and we try not to use them--sometimes people do, but we try very hard not to because they are just not pretty or nice (whatever terms he can understand). And if he continues to use them, just say, "remember, that is not nice. we don't use those words", and keep it simple--removing your attention from him and the behavior.
And then if you can find as many good things as possible to praise him about--and really focus on the good things that he does. He really just wants your love and attention, and will do whatever he can to get it. Sometimes when my almost two year old is acting out, I give MYSELF a "timeout" and step away from the situation (without leaving him entirely alone of course). I actually saw that on that Nanny show! And I tell him that I will be ready to play with him when he settles down, and I settle down. Children don't fully understand the meaning of time out until they're three, and it could just seem like a game to him--but withdrawing your attention from him might send the message. Plus sometimes I just need to step away so that I don't get too mad. I have to remember that he is still learning how to be a good person, and it's my job to model what that is. If I get too angry and yell, then it's going to be silly if I tell him not to get angry and yell! Plus, they really are just looking for our love, so if I can calm down, then I'm much better able to talk to him and give him that love.
I'm reading a great book called "Positive Discipline" that I got at the World Eye Bookshop, (they also might have it at the library). It's written by Jane Nelsen, Cherly Erwin, and Roslyn Ann Duffy, and it's packed full of good advice. There is a book for every stage--I'm reading birth to three years. We turned to it when our son started biting, and it was very helpful.

Good Luck!

Your son sounds like my daughter! SAME EXACT THINGS! And she will be three in Jan as well. I ignore her bad behavior as much as possible because I strongly feel it is an attention grabber for her. But I honestly don't know what to do either. So you are not alone.

C.,
Since your son is almost 3 -- this is what I suggest you do.
1)Call Shared Services -- They are located up at Region 7 high school -- the Barkhamsted elementary school can get you that number. Have them evaluate your son and see if he qualifies for services. Tell them about the behavior issues you are experiencing -- by law once a child turns three the school district is responsible to help get your child ready for school. Behavior issues are part of the program. The sooner you can get him involved the better for him. The program is free, if your son qualifies they will provide transportation, if they can't meet your sons needs then they have to by law get and pay to have those services provided.
2)Call your insurance provider and see if they cover Occupational Therapy and have an evaluation done on him for sensory processing disorders -- I am not saying or diagnosing your son -- but, if he craves sensation this will cause him to act uncontrolable.
3)I would talk to your child's doctor and tell him everything the bad and ugly -- and see what he suggest you should do. I have a wonderful doctor for my child his name is Dr. Binder and he is located in Avon. He might have some great suggestions.
4)get him involved with something -- example my son does teakwondo -- it's not expensive -- and it redirects his energy to obeying, respect and following directions -- its not about fighting at this age. You could do My Gym, there is a place in Canton that has those bouncing house he could play in.
5)being consistent is the way to go. My son sitting in the time out chair was a joke -- so, we keep trying out different things until we found something he hated -- example: My son use to hit and bite all the time -- he was still in his crib -- I know they say don't use where your child sleeps as a punishment place -- but, for us he hated being put in his crib so if he would be agressive he went into his crib, he use to throw his toys -- food if he threw it he lost it. That means food also -- once he started throwing his food or milk (this includes spilling on purpose)he went hungry for the evening or did with out milk - he got water instead. If he throw or spilled that he got nothing. Sounds harsh but, your child isn't going to stave he will stop throwing food. Things got worse before they got better. When the child sees he is losing control then they fight harder -- that's when you have to step it up even more -- it will get better. If you tell him something hold true to it. Another example is my son loves playing at McDonalds playland -- if he does what he is suppose to do and listens then he gets to go there once in a while as a reward -- its not expensive (I don't do expensive) a small fries, choc milk and all the playing he can do in an hour. Your second child will enjoy it also -- but, if he has a bad week then he does not go. My son loves stickers so at the end of the day if he did a good job listening then he got to place a sticker on the calendar and after 5 stickers we went to McDonalds -- you start upping the stickers every so often. It took a while but, once my son understood it did give me some (notice I said some)control
This is the second message I think I read from you about your son -- this one and one about staying in bed. I think you need more of a support system and daycare will provide that for you. I know you where looking for methods of controling your child at home but, Honestly - our sons sound somewhat similar - My son now goes to two different preschools and takes teakwondo and also the two preschools and myself work as a team -- I have a completely different little boy. He isn't perfect but, he is much more behaved.
Good luck -- be proactive and strong.

Acting out is probably the only way your son knows how to communicate his frustration right now. One, because he probably doesn't realize what's bothering him and two, because he hasn't learned to express himself verbally. As burnt out as you may be, remember when you handle him with frustration you've stooped down to his level. Take a time out for yourself to make sure that your disciplining him and not punishing him. There is a difference. He probably has some resentment about sharing you with his siblings and would prefer negative attention from you then none at all. Try setting special time aside when just you and him do an activity. Also, when you go to say no, distract him instead. I have a two year old son and he sometimes can be rough with his 9 month old sister and when I tell him no, or put him in time out he usually acts out even more. So now I just say, that's not nice, and distract him with another activity or toy. Consider changing his diet, get familiar with Choice Health in Westfield (next to price depot) and a family doctor that I use is Nancy Sanchione, 661 Front Street, Chicopee, Ma. Health Insurance doesn't cover her, but she's worth every penny and your life will be changed when you start to apply the type of medicine she practices. Hope this helps.

Sounds like you need Supernanny. I do that kind of thing in my home area of Burlington, VT... i.e. as a counselor who comes into your home observes, then sets up a plan for you to follow possibly with poster/charts and rewards, working with your own reactioins to the boy and how you might change THOSE and keep them consistent to get the little guy on track.

Hi,

My 4 (almost 5) yr old is mild/moderately autistic with sensory processing disorder and though I'm not saying your son has either of these problems he does have some similiar behaviors. Please call Early Intervention. They will evaluate your son in your home and help you find the services you need. We're from Beverly and we had our son evaluated by the school system and he was put into their intensive preschool program as soon as he turned three. All the services there are free and it has done wonders for him. I hope this helps! Also, some children are now referred to as High Spirited and there are several books on this subject that might help. Take care.

Barb

one of the moms mentioned 1-2-3 magic. I read the book and watched the video and it really truly works. the thing is consistency which can be VERY difficult at times. I started using it when my oldest son was 5 and my second child was approx. 2 1/2yrs. old and they both responded to it. The fighting in the car stopped by the 4th time I pulled it over, shut it off took a deep breath and said I'm not starting this car until the both of you are done. I remember the first time it took about 15 min. before they realized I meant it. And 3 more times before the realized hey this is not fun and mom really is not going anywhere until we stop. after that if they started fighting I'd say I'm counting you out and if i have to say 3 i'm stopping the car. very rarely would i get to 3. I still use the methods to this day . this way too everyone has the same set of rules and knows what the consequences are. you may also want to try an elimination diet to see if there are any food allergies that are triggering your sons bad behavior. It takes alot of effort at first, but when things slowly start to get better it's well worth it. If you need any support feel free to email me I know how it is to be a sahm to mutiple children, there where times where I've locked myself in the bathroom and gave myself a time out because I didn't know if I was raising a family or if I was in a 3 ring circus! Hang in there it will get better and keep up the good work being a great mom!

i, too, am a mom with an aggressive 3 (back in sept.) year old. I have tried all the tactics that you have. my results have been the same. I highly recommend that you go back to your pediatrician and get another referral...you should even call back this group that did not want to give you their services for a number or name of a group that would be able to help you......THERE IS HELP OUT THERE.....unfortunately you have to nag, make a lot of repeated phone calls, and keep looking, keep calling....do not give up...call your town, call the schools...get yourself a number for getting help for you and your family....I finally found a child development service that is going to help me....they are going to do a behavioral evaluation on my 3 year old. i, personally, am working with the CHILD DEVELOPMENT CLINIC...located in Manchester, NH. Also, there is a place called THE UPPER ROOM...located in Manchester, NH. i hope this helps in you in some way and know that you are not alone....there are people out there who want to help. best wishes to you and your family.

I have heard about a neww approach to behavior modification, I think its called 1-2-3 Magic (?) or something like that. It couldn't hurt to read up on it. A lot of your son's behaviors are normal, most of which I have had the pleasure of dealing with as well, but I send him to his room. It doesn't always work, but he does receive consequences for behaviors that are unacceptable and sometimes there is just nothing more you can do. I know its hard with two others, but I have signed my son up for classes that get rid of energy. My son participates in swimming lessons at our local YMCA, there is a Wiggle Worms class at Maplewood in Easton, which your two oldest could participate in together. YOu could just carry the youngest in a Snugglie or something. You could also just bundle up and go for a walk. If you check out www.momsnandadsguide.com it will help you find places or things to do in your area. Good luck and remember they're not "2" ( or 3) forever!

Wow...OK. This may sound completely backward to how your thinking about approaching this, but take a minute to think about it...Stop punishing your child. And for that matter...don't think of rewarding him either. Yes it may sound crazy, but what your doing now is not working right? I don't have time to explain why in detail. Read Alfie Kohn or watch his DVD -Unconditional Parenting. Your son wants your attention and doesn't care if he gets it through negative attention or positive attention. Try spending quality time with him. Notice and verbalize everything he does that is positive. Be specific. Don't just say good job. Say, "You helped your sister pick up the blocks. That was very helpful". Look at him in the eyes. Try to ignore his negative behavior or just comment matter of factly that "I don't want you to hit your sister because it hurts her and I want her to feel safe". Let him see how his actions affect others instead of punishing him. He will only keep doing it to get YOUR attention if you give it a lot of energy and time. Another thing to look into is Nurtured Heart Approach. Go to the web site. Gabrielli LaChiara does local workshops. This would get you started on the journey back to a peaceful relationship with your son. You also deserve to be treated better. Take care of your self. It is difficult to say the least with three children. Do you have support? Go to MotherWoman.org to see local mother's support groups.