Help for the "No" Stage

My son was the same age a few months ago when I had a newborn baby girl. We had a tough time. We fought a lot. I had NO patience. It got better when my daughter was 4 months as I was able to be more patient and creative. It takes a while for a woman's body to adjust and for the first born to adjust to not being the only child.

Dr. Sears' discipline book was very helpful in establishing the groundwork. I also frequent the gentle discipline book on mothering.com/discussions (http://www.mothering.com/discussions/forumdisplay.php?f=36). I have found many tips for setting boundaries, but also establishing respect between us two (he respects me and I respect him).

When my kids try to be defiant, I give them options so they feel like they are in control-no more than 2 options at a time though. Examples -- give the option of 2 different shirts, juice or water, ....and sometimes time out is the other option, such as "Would you like to settle down or go in time out?" works like a charm!!

It's never too early to learn respect. If you tell him to do something, he must do it. This means you must choose your words carefully, because you must ensure that he does everything you ask. If it's not a "must do" situation, then give him a choice.

You MUST make him do what you ask. If you tell him to wash his hands for dinner and he says "no". Pick him up, take him to the sink (kicking and screaming if necessary) and wash his hands. No arguing, just action. Very quickly he will learn that you expect him to do as you ask, and it's a lot easier to just do it himself. Same thing with picking up toys, you just make him do it. Do it now while he is still small enough to handle. It's exhausting to be a good mom, but lay the strong groundwork now, and you will see your agreeable son return.

If he doesn't respect your authority now, look out when he's older, it'll just get worse.

I am going through the exact same thing. I am looking forward to seeing the other responses. Just know you are not alone!

It is phase and they all go through it. My advice is to tell him when it is time to do things, e.g. "it is time to brush teeth" and not "do you want to brush your teeth." Also choice making is really a good strategy, e.g. "do you want to put on your shoes or do you want mommy to do it." Also just ignore it, sometimes they just say it to say it and they don't always know why. I wouldn't make it a big battle if I were you. They are feeling to need to be in control of their lives and use no as a way to do it.

We recently went through a ROUGH stint of "no" and still battle it from time to time. The main way we battled it is changing how we phrased things. Instead of "go get your ball so we can play" we would say choose which of these 2 or 3 toys do you want to play with. We made it his choice, and it worked a little. He would sometimes then say "no, I don't want to play!" I finally just started telling him that when he could tell me what he wanted, we would do something. When he would use his words, I would make him use pleases and thank yous. If I want to go to the park & he says no, all I usually have to do is say "Mommy REALLY wants to ride her bike to the park." Sometimes he still says no, but as I'm putting on my shoes & getting my bike out, he gets excited & comes too. It's a pretty annoying stage. I have actually told him before that he can't say anything until he can tell me what he wants!

Whoever said it was the terrible two's obviously hadn't hit the three year mark. Like many of the others said it's an independent thing. I try to give my daughter choices whenever possible. Or with my daughter I act like I don't know how to do it and have her show me. I know one of the biggest issues I have with my daughter is getting ready for school in the morning. I just started doing a chart with her and she loves it. This is something you can impliment in certain areas if you start to have trouble with leaving the house or wake up/ bedtime routines, etc. Its a very frustrating for us parents but just try to remember that this is there way of gaining some control in there lives. One rule I try to live by is to try and see things through my daughters eye and how i would feel if I were her. FYI if you think "no" is bad in a couple of months you will start to experience the "why" which
to me is worse. But same principle here is to remember this is how they learn the world around them. So the best advise I can give you is say a prayer each morning for patience and keep LOTS of chocolate on hand!!! LOL

I don't know if this will work for you or not. My son is turning 3 and is usually pretty obedient, and his first "no" came as a complete shock and disbelief and I had no idea what to do. What seems to work lately is asking him if he wants me to call daddy at work, or "do you want me to tell daddy how your talking to mom when he gets home?" . I know it may only be temporary, but for now it works.

No! Such a wonderful word. Number one stop being a parent. Start being a comedian! I use to ask my children if they wanted food and they would say no. I know they did and found it very funny. Take the control issue out of the word NO. If you are no acting like a parent you will be less frustrated. He is just learning to be independant. The no stage is really if you can relax and enjoy it. I would start allowing him more choices. I would also not let the frustartion escelate. He gains control when you get upset. If you can ingore you will win. The reactions from both of you will get better. When he says no do something not logical. I use to say something stupid with my first son and he would laught. My second son is a mule headed human being like his mother. I have to remind him who is boss. He will say but but then he says you are and we are at an end in that power struggle. Make it fun and safe for you both. When the issuation is dangerous just scoop him under your arm on your hip. I know you know when to use what. If you get real up set and scream you are still a great Mom.

Hi D.,

I have three year old son who started similar behaviors about the same time as your son. He was always so obedient that I was unsure of what to do, too. I use timeouts only when I have to. Sometimes, I let him say no b/c it simply is something he doesn't want to do (like your son w/ the ball) so I would say something like "You don't want to play ball? What would you like to play with?" My calmness helped diffuse the situation, modeled a better way to say he doesn't want to play ball (keep your patience and keep modeling). If it is something he doesn't have a choice for (time to eat, pick up you toys, time to go), it makes it more difficult but I stick to my guns and am firm. Rarely, but it does happen, if he throws a tantrum, I simply ignore it. I either walk away refusing to listen to it or I tell him the same thing, "I'm not listening to that. If you want to tantrum go in another room or go upstairs but I'm not listening to it." Usually, he says he wants to stay with me and decides not to continue his tantrum. If his "no" is disrespectful, hurtful (hurting himself or another) or breaking a rule, then he immediately goes to timeout. After timeouts, we ALWAYS TALK about why he was there, how does he feel, how do I feel and the kind of behavior I expect and know he is capable of. Keep in mind, he's a little person - he's learning and adventurous and doesn't want to be surrounded in a world of no's. By saying no, he is trying to express himself. We have the right to say no to things, so does he. Just pick and choose what is important to you and what isn't :) Good luck and eventually he'll get it. My son rarely says no anymore and hopefully, he keeps up with that. Yours will get here, too. In the mean time............

all that you can do is choose your battles if it is something that is dangerous or that you are extremely against you remove him from the situation. arguing with him won't work. if he says no when you tell him to get his ball then i'd ignore it. the only person that suffers in that situation is him. the more he sees that it bothers you the more power he gets, then it can become a problem. otherwise, its just a phase and thats what toddlers do. good luck. this too shall pass!

My 2yr old just started this stage too. I think it is best to not give it too much attention because then they will do it just to get a rise out of you. Just be consistent and follow through on what you want him to do because it is also a power issue. I find my daughter will say no to anything (even if we give her two choices) so I just tell her what she can have. What also helps is we give our daughter a "Special Sticker" for being a good girl. We use that as a positive reason to be good/obedient. Good Luck!

When my son did that, we sort of made a game out of it. He was saying no to everything. Then one day, in a very silly mood, I said dramatically, arms flailing wildly in mock vexation, "No no no NO! Is that ALL you can say is NO?" (He knew I was being goofy). He looked at me for a second, then grinned and said, "NO!!" I acted all horrified, clutching my heart as if I was having a drama queen heart attack and such, and he got a big laugh out of it. I then told him, "Okay, kiddo, go put that toy away (or whatever it was that I had asked before) and we'll get some lunch." I just said it as if I had no doubt in the world that he would of course jump up and do it. If he persisted with the 'no!', then I would act all silly and shocked again, and attack him with tickles or something. Then I'd tell him again, "Okay, kiddo, go put that toy away and we'll get that lunch." By that time, he was usually ready to do it. (He was probably exhausted from the tickles, lol.) If he kept it up, I'd act all old, hand at my lower back, hunched over, and tell him "Mom's getting too old for the tickles. Give me a hand and put that toy away. I'm hungry! How about you?" I don't think it ever when futher than that.

Oh, and if he said "YES!", I'd laugh hysterically and point at him and say, "See! You really CAN say something besides no! Glory be! Hallelujah!! Goody, now you can pick up that toy so we can get that lunch."

Neither of us were mad or frustrated with it, and after that, when the no's did happen again, I suspected it was more because he wanted the silly attention, and was glad to oblige. It seemed to point out to him that he WAS getting carried away with the no's, without being like discipline. It just became our joke. It didn't last long this way, and now if I hear "no", it's more a cue to get us both silly. (And silly is a lot more fun than defiance.)

I hope it works as well for you as it did for us!

It is a bit of a bubble burster when they start to do this, isn't it?
Not that things were perfect, but the whole "no" stage has knocked my husband and I on our backsides for a bit. - I guess hoping that they won't go through this stage is like us hoping that we won't have PMS or pain with delievery ... it truly is the rare person that doesn't go through it.
I have no advice to add from what's been given, as it's what I do also.
Carry on fellow parents in the realm of the "no"s! - and Godspeed.

Pick and choose your battles! Things like which toy to play with or even what to eat for lunch are negotiable. Things like wearing your coat and shoes outside and bedtime are not! He's trying to have control over things in his life and it's good for him, as long as he follows the rules. I put my son in time outs when he doesn't listen since I do not believe in spanking. My oldest son used to come up to me and hit me, then tell me that he was going in a time out. And he would, he'd sit there for two minutes. He just wanted attention. Also, a huge thing that's helped me is offering choices. Do you want to play with your ball or your blocks? Do you want to read this book or this book? "No," is not a possible answer to this-or-that questions. And above all, just keep repeating to yourself, "He's only two, he's only two, he's only two!" Good luck, and remember, this too shall pass!

Personally, I save the timeouts for the heavy duty things. (Hitting, kicking, now spitting). If I ask Jacob (3 y/o) to do something and he says, "No." Then I simply turn off the CD or movie, gently take away the toy he has or whatever and I tell him "Jake, if you want to play with your guitar, then you need to put your shoes away first." (or whatever).

If I ask him to go get a toy to play and he says, "No." then I get up and I don't play. I use that a lot. If he's being bratty about something that he wants or whatever, he doesn't get it and if he's not playing nicely, I get up and don't play. He was in a habit of throwing toys when he was mad, if he did - the toy was taken away and put in time-out (on top of the fridge). He doesn't get it back until the next day.

Some may disagree, but we have a very "matter of fact" way of parenting. We are clear about the rules and we enforce them consistently. We don't believe in hitting our boys in any way. But, I don't care what he does (screaming, yelling, crying), we do not give in. Then, when he's done - it's done. I'm back to playing, singing, hugging, whatever. I don't hold a grudge with him.

Good luck.

Try to turn the negative into a positive. Find ways to discipline in a way that you are saying 'yes', rather than no. Instead of saying don't, try to say please do this. Here is a link on positive discipline:
http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/pdguide.html

Why is not wanting to play ball considered disobedient? Maybe he didn't feel like playing, maybe he wanted a truck, not a ball, maybe...who knows? Try not to micromanage him and be throwing out lots of commands. For example, instead of telling him "go get your shoes" which can result in a power struggle, get his shoes and being silent or just saying something non-confrontational like "here are your shoes" while helping him put them on. Children learn to listen not from getting lots of commands to follow, but when they are respected and listened to- so try to really hear him and understand the needs underlying his behavior.

Also, consider choosing to change the words and ultimately the story you are using to describe your son and your relationship with him. Frame it in terms of obedience vs. disobedience and you'll see a battle all day long- but tell the story of him exerting independence, discovering preferences and resisting control because of the strong human desire for freedom and you magically see solutions and ways to open doors for him and connect with your son.

Our home is much more peaceful and happy since our focus shifted from "obedience" to "relationship and connection" as our guiding principle and highest goal. And incidentally, my children (3 & 5) would be considered very obedient by anyone's standards though that word is no longer part of our thinking or vocabulary. They listen to me because I listen to them and because there is not a control dynamic in place, only a family respectfully living and learning together.

There is a joyful way of being with our children that many parents can't even imagine because of the conditional way so many of us were brought up. I would encourage you to explore the possibility because I could have written a very similar post to yours just a few short years ago and now I see things so differently. The website naturalchild.org has a lot of great resources and articles. If you're Christian, gentlechristianmothers.com is also wonderful.