Help for Citrus Heights Mom

My daughter was 6 when my son was born. My daughter had a hard time adjusting, so I did many of the things suggested, such as involving her, spending one on one time with her, etc. One thing that I started doing was starting her on a project, such as play dough, coloring, a puzzle,or another activity she could do alone before I started doing something with the baby. It gave her something to keep her busy and entertained so that I could give the baby the attention he needed. Good luck!

Create a special "girls" time that is just for the two of you; perhaps when the baby is asleep. Read a book, make cookies and talk about how special she is to you and how much you appreciate all the help she is with the new baby. Let her know you gave her unlimited time when she was small with stories about her. She may want to imitate some of the things you do with the baby with a baby of her own too.

D. A.

This is a normal reaction. A suggestion is to set up a game or activity in which you and the baby can watch but not be envolved explaining to your daughter that she is helping you. TV is OK for short 30 minute periods to wash clothes, do the dishes, but I see you realize it is not a babysitter. Involve your daughter in caring for the baby by little things.."please hand me the diaper", would you like to help me bathe the baby, would you like to tell the baby a story, or set time out to read to her by having her hold the baby, you hold your daughter and read to them both. Do you have a babysitter when you are working? If so tell your daughter she is second in command and that you are counting on her to help. It gets your daughter involved, it makes her feel inportant at the same time. Tell me if it works. I have three daughters, just a year apart of each other and it worked well for me when my older girls were involved in caring for the youngest with supervision for short periods of time. Good luck. This too will pass.

Although my oldest daughter was not extremely attached to me, she was the 1st grandchild, the only child of any of my or my sisters & inlaws & friends. Needless to say she was the center of attention until I had my second child when she was 3. When she came to the hospital with my husband to pick us all up she was happy mommy was coming home but we knew there was a problem when she said "Where is she going? The solution I found was to really build her relationship with her sister. Play with not the baby, but your SISTER. Watch after your sister, stay with your sister, play etc. My 2 daughters are 26 & 23 & they are so close still, although living in different states, it is almost like they have their own language. Treat them the same but also acknowledge that one is older & more responsible but don't put too much responsibilty on the oldest one,you are still the parent. Understand this is normal so don't sweat it too much.

Hi, there!
I am a mom of three, experienced caretaker of young children, music therapist and a teacher.
Here are my thoughts to your question: First of all, Where Is Dad? Dad is needed frequently for your older girl when you need to take care of baby. Also, you should give the baby to Dad or someone else on a regular basis, so you can spend Quality time with your older one: go for explorer walks, produce crafty things, read books, play games.
Ask your Big girl to help you around the house with big-girl chores. Involve her. Give her some easy responsibilities.
And (believe me, it pays off 100-fold in the end)leave the TV off!!
Good luck -

Hi, my name is P.. I'm57 with four grown, and married children. When I started having my babies, and the oldest got a little bend out of shape I let him do things with me while tending to the baby. After a few diaper changes, and hold her while I cook, or clean, or go see why she's crying, it didn't take long before he was out of my way. smile. In fact everytime he heard her cried, he ran the other way. Try giving him some chores with the baby, and see the change. Good luck girlfriend P.

My son does this also. He is 4 and very attached to me. I try to spend at least an hour every day with just him (I leave the baby with my husband). It isn't much, but the extra time is well worth it. I also carry my baby (I use a Moby wrap to free my hands) and play with my older one. Also, my older one knows that when baby is sleeping he gets special alone time with me. We only watch TV when my husband is home because I've never been a TV watcher. Hope this gives you some ideas. In a few more years your daughter won't want anything to do with you so enjoy this time!

My boys are closer in age, they used to steal each others bottles. Talk to her about about the new baby, maybe have her share her toys. Other than the tv, maybe she likes to do other things. I don't have girls, so I don't know what else to tell you. When the baby is asleep you can give a bit of undivided attention, tell her that the baby needs your attention.

Try enlisting her help. It can be set up as a game that can be transitioned to something she can do on her own. Be sure to let her know frequently how much help she is being. It will encourage her to continue with what she is doing. Children love to be helpers. If you feel you can cope with a mess until she learns control something like washing dishes or other water activities is always a hit.
D. Bohr
retired elementary teacher and early childhood professional
CranioSacral Therapist
Mother and Grandmother

I just went through the same thing. I guess I kind of still am . I have a 5 year old son and a 9 mo old daughter. So my son was the only one for 5 yrs. He is my little buddy, and was so jealous when my daughter was born. I tried to make sure to have him help me with everything I could. Like, changing diapers, getting stuff for her like blankets, clothes, toys etc. He really liked to help me, but he was still not wanting to share me. :) So I had my husband watch the baby and tried to make sure I spent time with just he and I, as much as possible. It was kind of hard at first because I was recovering from a c-section and nursing her. Talk about overwhelming! Or exhausting. Having 2 kids is so different, an adjustment for sure. If you haven't already, maybe get her involved at a pre-school or play group, and then that can be her time. I hope this helps a little, good luck. Have a good weekend! J. R- Fair oaks

Hi there!
It is sometimes difficult for children, when a new little baby comes to the house, as you well know. Try and get her involved in taking care of her baby brother or sister. After all she is the big girl now, and now she has her own real baby to play with and take care of. Let her help you get the diaper or help you dress the baby and even help you for bath time. Ask her to sing a song for her baby and just let her get involved so that she can feel helpful and included. And let her know that once she helps mommy put baby down to sleep then mommy will have some time to do things with her. Like have some tea time and cookies together, or whatever it is that you guys enjoy doing. And maybe, when the baby is down for a nap, you can have daddy, or granny or a friend come by to stay with him or her and you can go out to the park or do something with her. There are also some nice stories out there about big sisters taking care of their baby brothers or sisters, and it let's them know that even though the little one's are going to stay there from now on, it lets them know that the older one is still special, and that mommy and daddy still loves her very much. Yeah, just let talk to her and love her as you always have, and let her you know that you are always there for her. Let her draw pictures, or read books, or let her do puzzles or build block or she can even cut cookies while you are breastfeeding. There are plenty of things that she can do to keep herself occupied during those times. If she justs wants to be close to you when you breastfeed, then let her. She can sing a song, a lullaby and help you put the baby to sleep together.
I hope that some of this will be helpful.

Have you tried getting her involved in something. Skate Town has great ice skating lessons. I took our 4yr. old son and he had a blast. And got some extra needed attention not to mention some time with kids his age. Or it can be just some mommy time. Have a time when it is just for her. Even if it is just 5-10 min. Let her know it is her special time. We adopted our second son when our older son was 6yrs old. Even though we could explain it. He still needed his own mommy time.

simple crafts projects that are appropriate for her age group are a good substitute for TV...Encouraging her to make art for her new sibling might help, especially if you make certain to let her know that she is doing something really special for her sibling and that you are very proud of her for giving to the baby.
Also, making the extra effort to spend special time just with her, and maybe a little more than usual at first, could help provide balance...Because she had you pretty much to herself
and for the previous bulk of her life, having to share you now is probably a little traumatic...
A friend of mine, when years ago presented with this same issue, made a point to include the older child in all activities with the baby: diaper changing, feeding, bathing, dressing, reading stories etc., and her approach made her older child feel important and needed and encouraged a modest
degree of lessened clinging to mama...

Have your child be a big helper and make being a big helper a big thing. Engage her in all of the care of the baby. Praise her and give her kudos for being a "big helper." Always tell her that when "we" are done helping the baby we will play a puzzle, read or color together. Tell her, " If you go play for so many minutes by yourself when I am done feeding the baby, we will play together.

Keep the t.v. off after 10:00 am.

Good luck!

Encourage the 4-yr. old to help with whatever you are doing with the 3-mo. old. Make her/him a part of whatever you are doing. He/she will probably get distracted soon enough and find something to do on his own. Most children have a very short attention span.

My kids are now 12 and 14, but the same thing happened when I brought my daughter home and my son realized he wasn't the only baby in the house. The thing that worked best for me was finding ways of incorporating him in whatever I was doing. He became my little helper and an ally for his sister. In doing this, I created a unity instead of making him feel she was competition. For example, have her help with putting the diapers on...the fun part, like attaching the sticky tabs (nothing stinky). Or have her wash the baby's back during those sponge baths or have her pick out what the baby will wear that day. Then, during those nap times, make sure you spend some one-on-one time with your four-yr. old so that it's easier for her to relinquish time when the baby is awake. It doesn't mean she won't be demanding at first and want ALL your time, but after a while she'll see that there are pockets of quality time that are consistent and she'll trust it to happen time and again and she'll relax.
Sibling rivalry will continue as they get older, but to different degrees. My kids are incredibly close, but only because we've done everything possible to foster it from the first time they met. We never wanted them to feel like they had to compete for our attention, but it does happen inadvertently through life when one child does something that steals the spotlight. It's a juggling act for sure, but the fact they you are sensitive to it means you're on the right track.

A possible solution is to set a time everyday-- like when the baby takes a nap or after daddy comes home when you and your 4yr old will do a mommy daughter activity. To help her feel more engaged, select a few tasks to chose from like; coloring, cooking, game etc... and have her chose what you do. If she is having a hard time with waiting give her her own clock (simple face) in which you can put a stick on the time that you will be spending time with her and explaining what the sticker means and when the big hand touches the sticker its YOUR TURN :)
I also made sure that when I was feeding or holding the baby I would put a little towel/blanket next to me on the couch or chair where my older one could sit next to me. So she didn't feel left out. And she helped with feeding and routine things I did with the baby. She was the designated diaper getter, spoon retriever etc...
About me... mom of two, a 1yr old and a 4yr old married 5 yrs.:)

There is a fabulous book by Kevin Henke (author of Lily's Purple Plastic Purse) about sibling adjustment called "Julius Baby of the World" . Lily a 3-4yr old very precocious mouse is very excited abut the birh of her baby brother until he actually comes home and upsets her world. The book deals with her good and bad feelings about him and ultimately the good feelings prevail. Very funny and touching. My daughter loved it when er brother was born.