Help Disciplining Stepchildren

How are you and the mom? Do you get along? I would think it's time to have a talk with the mom. Just tell her how much you love the kids and love having them there, but you're having trouble with the discipline. If you and she are somewhat ok, then she'll talk to the kids. You might actually have to ask her to!

My stepson did this for a little while. I finally told him while I was not his mom, I was the mom of this house and he would respect me as such or be punished the same way the other two boys were. He told his mom that I only disciplined him. I explained to her that he was the only one disciplined when he was the only one doing something bad. Mom said she understood and things got a lot better. I think you just have to set them down and say "hey, these are the rules, these are the consequences. If you don't like them, tell your mom, however, these will still be the rules and the consequences." Don't let them play you against one another.

I think you should sit down with your husband and let him know how you feel. Maybe a group discussion with all the children would be good to open up room for communication and understanding. The line has to be drawn. They need to respect you. I understand how you feel I was married with step children and they sent me through so much until I drew the line. My ex-husband was very supportive. When she would "your not my mother" I would get angry but I knew that was her way of getting what she wanted-which was getting under my skin. Time went by and we were able to develop a good relationship. Remember communication is the key. Try to develop a realtionship with them. Good luck and my prayers are with you.

Hello K.,

I would suggest you sit down with your husband and discuss what your role should be to the stepchildren. If he agrees that you should be part of a disciplinary unit, then the next step is to sit down with your husband and write down rules you expect all the children to follow while in your house. If you have a good relationship with the birth mother, you could try to synchronize your rules with hers. This is often very difficult, though, as you'll find it's hard for any two people to match up on parenting styles, let alone three.

Once you have defined rules, you and your husband should sit down with the children together, and you should both make it clear to the children that these are rules that you came up with together, and that you both expect to be followed. It might be good to have your husband do a bit more of the talking if his children are giving you more trouble.

Your stepchildren are bound to have discrepancies in your house rules and their mother's house rules. Be consistent, but understand that it is difficult for young children to adjust back and forth on house rules. To help with this, when the children break a rule after coming back from their birth mother's residence, give them a warning and ask them to repeat your rule back to you.

It's hard for stepmothers to live under a shadow of the birth mom. Understand that you need to parent the best you can, and if your stepchildren feel the need to complain to their mother, there is nothing you can do to control that. Try to work with your husband and share your concerns with him.

M.

My thought on this is that you should not be the one in the position of disciplining your husband's children. He should be the heavy, and you should be the one enforcing what he says. But it needs to come from their father, and he needs to make sure to explain to them what the rules are and that they have to respect you and your house. Their mother needs to understand that too, and she should be backing you both up.

.....LF

K.,
I can speak from experience i have a 10 and 11 yr old stepsons that have been nothin but a problem since my b/f and i got together i finally broke the 11 yr old but i could never break the ten yr old i pink slipped him to the juvinile court and all he has a fantisy world were mom and dad live happily ever after and as soon as reality kicked himin the butt he turned violent so much so he was institutionallized and medicated since we now have our 4 almost 5 mo old i couldnt take the chance he would hurt the baby so agiant our better judgement and consence we had to send him back to his cracked out drug infested mother he improved there for a short time but now is worse than before and wellthe courts cant do anything cause he's too young and the phyc wards are out of ideas so this poor boy is lost and sick they said we have to wait till he kills or something that horid before they can do anything or until he's 13which ever comes first

Have you talked to your husband abt their behavior? What kind of relationship do you have w/their mother maybe you can talk to her.

Why are you displining these kids? The father and own mother needs to do this. It's obvious the kids want to live with own mother. It must be really hard on them not you lol. Sounds to me father is not around much.

I would say that when you are in my house these are the rules. If you brake them this what will happen. And your husband should be backing you up. Also you could have a talk with the mom. My oldest daughter has a different father but anytime she would get mad at my husband she would threaten to leave to go there, my husband said go ahead and pick up the phone. She never said it again. Good Luck jo

It sounds to me like you, your husband and the ex-wife need to have a sit down and get on the same page about discipline so that you can go to the children with a united front. Once you all know where you stand with each other you can all go to the children and explain that there is to be no playing each of you against the other. Good Luck.

Hi K.,

My resonse to them when they say that would be, "Thats fine. I'm sure she wouldn't be happy with your bahavior either." And see what happens from there. Maybe they aren't thinking that telling on you to their mom, also means telling on themselves. Because they'd have to tell her why you had to discipline them. Good luck!

Hi K.
You are in a touchy situation. I really believe it takes sitting down with their father and the children and discussing what the rules are and the actions taken when the rules are broken. This must be done with all the children and not just the step-children. Praise them when they do accomplish something no matter how little it is. Probably the hardest thing is to be consistent with your actions. Remember to pick your battles wisely. We tend to take more from our own than someone elses kids. Find the joy in each child. Really listen to them when they talk. Communication is a key factor too. Spend some time with each individual. Let them know how much you care. Most of all remember they are kids and all they really want is to be accepted and loved no matter what they do. (Lots of hugs can melt most anger when the child lashes out)Make them feel important to the family, be their friend. They do have a mother and that is something that is irreplacable. I know, I grew up with a step-mother but now I am proud to call her my other mother. She was the most loving and giving to us all. Never showed any partiality. I feel fortunate to have 2 females in my life to call my mother.
D.