Help - San Francisco,CA

correcting and critisizing are two very different things. Never tell her she is wrong, just tell her the correction. I have a very sensitive 6 year old son. I have found that if I correct him, he still may stick with what he said for the moment, but next time the subject comes up, he has the correct info at the ready. For a teacher to say "You are wrong" angers me too. I might even cry.

Try explaining it in such a way as to not say "you are wrong". Instead try "next time do it like this" that way you are redirecting her attention to focus on the correct rather than the incorrect.

If it happens again with the same issue you can try a more direct approach and if she acts up, tell her she needs to communicate her feelings and if she throws a fit put her in time out until she agrees to "talk" rather than scream.

Be consistent though. It won't be easy the first few tries. If you follow through every time, she will eventually give up. If you can get it under control at home, hopefully it will spill over to public situations. If you are comfortable with her teacher you could mention your new "method" to see if she would agree to trying it at school too.

I agree that you need to be careful on how you point out mistakes. I realize this was the teacher and there's not much you can do about the way someone else says things to your daughter. At home, however, practice "sandwiching" mistakes with compliments (compliment something, point out error, compliment something else). I always had to reassure my children that mistakes is how we grow and learn. If we never made mistakes, then we would already know everything and there would be no growth. Since people continue to learn and grow throughout their lives, that means that people will make mistakes throughout their lives. What gets them through is the knowledge that they did their best and that's all you can do.

Some kids are perfectionists for whatever reason. My oldest daughter has ALWAYS been extremely hard on herself for making mistakes. She is 21 now and I still find myself needing to reassure her that she has done her best and that's all that matters. She's not 5 anymore so she doesn't burst out crying, but she completely stresses out. This drive has helped her in college (her GPA is 3.85), but it sure does make it stressful for her. My other daughter is completely opposite. She does her best and that's all she can do. She is completely fine with it. She also does very well in college, but is much more relaxed overall. My oldest son was also a perfectionist and refused to accept responsibility for anything he ever did wrong (had the blame game all figured out). He finally mellowed out and started owning up to things when he hit his teens (I actually have enjoyed his teen years MUCH better than the early years). I have other boys who aren't so hard on themselves. My point is that many times it is the child's personality and not something you did, so the only thing you can do is to coach your daughter in overcoming destructive thought processes (I'm wrong = I'm bad for example). Just do your best to continue to encourage her and reinforce what is good. Find things to compliment her on and make a point to mention to her how good she is at those things. As she hears more positives than negatives, she will overcome her sensitivity. Just be aware that some kids hear negatives a lot louder than the positives, so it makes it even more challenging.

Explaining to her that mistakes is what helps us to learn the "right" way. Share with her some of the mistakes you've made and how it made you "remember" to do it right the next time. Mistakes are not a "bad" thing, they are a teaching tool and a learning device.

Let her CIO. I used to cringe everytime my foster kids would cry, but I learned that most of the time it has nothing to do with me and I let it roll off my back. If it becomes absolutely rediculus I send them to time out to let them CIO there. My 2.5 yo used to do this all the time for attention; he changed and he is a happier boy for it. My 8 yo used to cry specifically to get her way. With her I use reasoning; I essentially tell her that crying isn't going to get her anything with me. After repeating myself a few times to her she also has stopped with the phony tears and now I can tell when she is really feeling sad instead of just faking. You have to decide what works best for your child and stay consistant. Don't feel like the bad guy if she cries because you are trying to make her better; its not you its her.

I agree with Liz W. that a change in how you tell her is in order. As an adult, I'm not as likely to respond well to being told I was wrong as I am if someone explains it in a more positive way. I would begin to try to change the way you say it to her at home, and also ask for a meeting where you can suggest that the teacher change the language she uses with her as well.

My son was/is a perfectionist. And at first it was really hard for him to accept criticism and he thought any time the teacher corrected him it meant she didn't like him. It was hard figuring out what was going on at first. Once I figured it out, I told him there are lots of different ways for doing things and the teacher has to teach certain ways to get things done. I also explained his feelings to the teacher (this was preschool) and she took a few minutes after corrections to make sure they were friends again. The phase didn't last very long, but he really liked school at lot more after we got this settled.

you have to talk to her.. tell her to calm down and listen.. try to explain that by telling her she made a mistake.. this is so she won't make it again.. or she will try harder... keep talking to try to calm her down.. tell her not to get mad... tell her no crying.. she must listen..

Welcome to the "Stage and Drama years". We used to say that our daughters could outdo any thing Shirley Temple or Elizabeth Taylor could think of and our boys were just as emotional. Know that she doesn't understand it any better than you do and may even find it scarey. Her body and mind are now being exposed to things she never had to deal with at home with other people being in charge, living up to an teachers requirements -- all part of life and dealing with students. BUT NEVER let her believe that you are not the one in charge and allow or support her behavior that really is the last thing she needs. I found it hard to convince my one daughter she had permission tomake mistakes and that it was part of the learning of life but the other 4 caught on really fast. My heart goes out to both of you but she needs to have her boundries and limits and to know that she has you for support and comfort as well as leadership. Good Luck