Hi R. -
No - you can suck it up when your child is 18, not 2 years old! I know in your heart, you know this to be true.
What you need to fucus on CONSTANTLY here is "In the Best Interests of the Child" - this is a court term that all judges like to hear because that is "their" main objective in these cases, as it should be! Go ahead and let your ex complain about what "he" wants. It's not about him. What you need to repeatedly say and show the judge is that this is about what is best for the child, not anyone else.
You have all the experience with your son and he is way too young to be taken away for extended periods of time like that. It is not in his best interest to be away from you for that long. So then you compromise - very little. The reason why you show that you are willing to give very little is so that you can get more of what is reasonable concerning what your child needs. Do not expect to get what you ask for, and know that this is how the legal game is played out. You ask for a lot, only willing to give a limited amount, and you can expect to get something in the middle. Like it or not, this is court strategy and if you don't know this from the beginning, you are in for a long and difficult ride here!
This first court ruling is crucial because if you want anything changed, it will take a lengthy bit of time and a lot of work. Meanwhile, your child suffers the consequences - do you understand what I am saying here? Get it right the first time.
What I would say in court is that although you fully respect your ex's rights as a father, he is not familiar with your son and lacks parenting skills with a small child, as he chose to have very limited contact with your son from the start. It is therefore only reasonable to consider this heavily, concerning visitation and your son's well being.
Further, in consideration of your ex's paternal rights (and it is important that you do show respect here) you would be willing to allow supervised visitation (of say 3 hours on a weekend day, twice a month at most) until he has successfully completed parenting classes for toddler care, and proves this to the courts. During this time of supervised visitation, he can build more of a relationship with the child, which can lead into the child feeling more comfortable with the father as a successful and competent care-giver.
R., this may sound really rigid but it's just what you must do to get what is appropriate for you child. I cannot stress this enough - it's just the way of legal strategy to get your child protected so he can feel as safe and secure as possible. If you do not do this, you are taking chances with your child's well-being and you will be the one to pick up all the pieces - it can be heart-wrenching.
You would also need to request an agreed-upon person for the supervised visitation; not his parents but either yourself, or someone mutually connected if possible. There are also child counselors that can be the supervisor during visitation and if you cannot agree upon someone, the courts may order a child counselor for this. They are often invaluable for their insight as they supervise and observe the interaction going on during visitation. Actually, you can request this specialist, along with documented reports from them regarding visitations and as to how the father relates to the child, according to the counselor. These reports would then be allowed in the court for consideration. You should find one or two child therapists that do this - that are reputable and understanding of the situation - so that you can offer such a solution for supervised visitation during your court visit. The more prepared you are, the better.
R. - you must understand the court system and respect it's power. You must take all of this seriously and honor your own insights and wisdom concerning what is best for your child. Then you must play hard ball here - and know you must appear in court as very reasonable, respectful and also somewhat hard-nosed about what you will not agree to with regards to your child. It is for your son's well-being that you do this. It may seem overwhelming and scary to deal with however, besides myself, I have seen many women handle this very competently and successfully, with happier results for their children. I have no doubt you can do the same!
I have been through much in the court system as a single mother and I give you this advice from years of experience in court battles with my ex. This advice will save you much heartache, and save your child much trauma - yes trauma. I do hope that you know never to "suck-it-up" where your son is concerned - you will regret it. You have to be strong and stand firm - and in the long run, you will never regret this.
You might find that your ex will not want to go to the classes and this will show the court who actually is the responsible parent. It will show you also. If he truly cares, he will do anything to be a good parent. It is best to set the line in the beginning.
Also, have at least one friend that you can call throughout this court stuff that will support you and tell you not to give up and not to yield where you do not have to. You may need this; friendships that you can count on during these times are invaluable to you . . . and your little one!
Good luck,
Alli