My daughter doesn't seem to "need/want" me. I'm wondering if she isn't attached to me.
I returned to work last October after being home with her for a year. My mom watches her everyday. She never fusses or cries when I leave. In fact, she waves and smiles. When I come home she smiles sometimes, but immediately points to something. I try to hug her, but doesn't seem very excited. There are times when she will give me a cuddle here and there, but overall she's not very affectionate. In addition, when we are home she never cries when I leave a room or seeks me out if my husband is playing with her. I feel like I don't matter.
I'm beginning to feel as though she isn't attached to me. Did I do something wrong when she was really little? I can't get this thought out of my head that she doesn't need/want me. Help!
My daughter was very similar...the only time she was cuddly was when she was sick. She got a little more affectionate when my son was born because he was really a cuddlebug from the get go and I guess she didn't want to feel left out.
Count your blessings that you aren't facing tantrums and meltdowns every time you walk away (bad separation anxiety). Sounds like she is grounded, and easy going and self sufficient.
She might still need a mommy cuddle from time to time, she'll let you know, meanwhile, don't take this to heart.
Best to you and yours,
F. B.
It is a GREAT BLESSING to have an independent child at such a young age!
Imagine how awful you would feel if she cried everyday when you leave, MANY kids do.
Congratulations, clearly you're doing something right!
Don't worry, you are the only MOM in her life, you are not replaceable!
:)
Sounds like she is a well adjusted kid. Ultimately she does want you. You've just created a situation in which she feels very safe and secure. Also her independent personality has helped her adjust. At night before bed make sure you've got 1;1 time to talk, read a story, bath time....Hang in there.
K., I really hope you are listening to Fanged Bunny. You have a very laid back little gal there who feels loved and calm and happy. You stayed at home during the time when children are the most clingy, and now that she is coming up on a year and a half old, she is past crying for you. She also knows that you will come back. Little kids think that when someone leaves a room, they disappear. She has the understanding that you won't, and you have done a great job of being consistent with her.
Let her have the personality she is going to have. Don't see it as a negative and don't take it personally. You haven't done anything wrong. Love her for who she is.
Dawn
Working out of the home mommy guilt is the worst. Fanged Bunny is right. My toddler cries hysterically 1-2 times a week at daycare dropoff. It's not fun to drive to work bawling your eyes out. Hang in there!
Psychologically speaking... the OPPOSITE is true:
In a secure attachment kids don't fret when their parents leave... because they have complete and total TRUST THAT THEIR PARENT WILL RETURN.
In an insecure attachment, the trust isn't there. They don't trust that the parent will return. It terrifies them. When the parent returns they LEECH themselves onto the parent (again, because they don't trust that the parent won't leave again, and if they leave, they may not return!).
Now... even in securely attached infants/children... separation anxiety happens. There are 3 developmental stages where that tends to occur, and it lasts for a couple months on average. Right around 18-24mo and again between 3 and 4. The 3rd is one you already passed, apparently with flying colors... because you taught her to trust completely that you would return.
This is one of those goofy neurological things. Because you did such a good job building trust, she smiles and waves when you leaves, and takes it as a matter of course that you're back and "she's busy and doesn't want to be interrupted".
LOL.
Which is kind of a "huh" moment as a parent. "What am I??? Chopped liver?" Trust me. Chopped liver is a good thing, even though it feels crappy.
MAKE A PATTERN. You probably already have one... but when you leave for work, make a ritual. This way, when separation anxiety rears it's head, you FOLLOW THAT RITUAL and the ritual will comfort her that, just as always in the past, you will return. It shrinks the anxiety period considerably. Often from a couple months to a couple weeks.
And pat yourself on the back, mama!!! You've already done very, very well.
Some kids just aren't needy. That isn't a bad thing. None of my kids followed me around like a lost dog, I was the first one they came to when they needed help.
What I am saying is you have an independent, secure child, be happy.
Completely the opposite I think. By staying home with her you obviously made her feel very comfortable and she seems to know you will return. She's surrounded by other family that love her too and thankgoodness she recognizes that she's safe. I have only had the rare occasion of leaving one of ours and them going nuts. It was terrible and usually when they didn't feel 100%. Keep doing what you are doing and make time for special mommy/daughter things. Your relationships will continue to grow in all sorts of ways. Sounds like you have an incredible strong daughter .. one that you will be so proud of in years to come. Like mother/like daughter right!!
I had the same experience with my daughter. Her connection to me was to point to things because she wanted to share with me (her way of engaging). As she has gotten older (now 2), she does seek me out / want affection more often. Yours may remain very independent, but as others have said, the fact that she is independent and secure is a good thing.
What's your secret??
But seriously -- 31 years ago, when my mom took me home from the hospital she nervously asked her doctor, "What do I do now?" and he shrugged and said "Teach her not to need you." (He meant that as a life goal, not as something that should happen at age 2)
But the point is - if your daughter seems happy and well-adjusted, be thankful. You are her mother and of COURSE she needs/loves you! This relationship of yours has no expiration date, enjoy being able to come and go without drama :)
I agree with Riley J completely! You have done a fantastic job of preparing her for when you returned to work. She is very secure and knows you will return. She must also love her caretaker (Grandma) and has no problem staying with her while you work. Congratulations! Pat yourself on the back!
Is she a year old? It's not necessary for her to cry when you leave and she is with grandma or daddy, who love her and who she loves. Please don't weigh your worth on whether your daughter cries when someone else is with her. That's being too dependent on your child for your self esteem. Toddlers are active people who don't necessarily want to cuddle. Please don't do damage to the relationship between you and your daughter by insisting that she conform to some expectation you have that toddlers must be so dependent and clingy to their mom. It is good and healthy that she can separate from you easily. She is not a newborn baby. Our children are meant to slowly grow away from us, even as toddlers. Attachment doesn't mean that she must cling desperately to you. good luck.
