Help! - Carrollton,TX

1 to 2 is not that hard. 0 to 1 is the big step.

NOTHING is every easy or normal or orderly once you have a baby. Since you already have one, you might as well add another. It will not be any more difficult and might be easier.

I know some people can only have one... and some people choose to only have one. However, when there's a choice, I say HAVE MORE! I can spot an only child a mile away. Not that they are bad, but they miss something that being part of a herd (at least my family is herd... others may have more tame groupings). It's good for them and for you to have siblings.

Hi M.,
It is very possible that your 2 1/2 y/o is phasing out the naps herself. If you notice that on days she does take a nap that it disturbs her sleep at night then I would encourage her to not nap--maybe just a quiet time or a quiet video for a break for you. But if she is fine with night sleep on nights she naps just continue what you are doing--some days nap, some days quiet time.

As for adding the next one--nothing is ever easy, BUT it is not as daunting as it appears. I found that going from 1 to 2 was a piece of cake because I knew what to do with a baby! In fact, while taking care of #2 I kept saying, "why was this so hard with just one?"! I think that as long as you are honest with what you are able to handle and ask for help when you need it from husband, family and friends (or hire a babysitter!) then I say go for it. There will be moments that you feel overwhelmed--but we all do and they will pass. A 3 1/2 year spacing between kids will help alot. Good luck.
hh

Hi M.,

I am a mother of a 3 year old daughter with our next baby due any time between now and the next two weeks. In response to your first question I wouldn't push the issue too much on the naps. My little girl has been the same way since about 2. She slepts great at night and during the day usually doesn't want to nap. The only time that I've had her lay down is if I notice that she's getting really cranky and could really use one. On the other hand she just started Headstart a few weeks ago and for the first week she hasn't wanted to nap, however now that she's been there almost a month now she's taking naps during the day with the rest of the kids and going to bed earlier.

As for your second question, I didn't have the post-pardum stuff however I do have severe anxiety and on a normal basis have to take daily medications. Well, back in January my husband and I decided to get pregnant with our second, which of course meant coming off of the meds. Anyhow, so far everything has been pretty good. The anxiety hasn't affected me like I thought that it would and it really hasn't been that tough doing everything. Of course you have your good days and your bad and it's hard to get any rest with a toddler running around, however if you include her in everything you do in terms of the baby and your daily routine you'll find that she can be a bigger help than you'd imagine. Since we found out we were pregnant my daughter was 2.5 then and helps with simple chores around the house, like picking up her toys and keeping her room straight, sorting out the dirty clothes and helping me transfer them from the washer to the dryer, she's even taken an interest in learning how to do things for the baby. We've taken steps in showing her with her baby dolls how to hold a baby, how to help mommy wash the baby, how she can help change his diaper, pick out his clothes, and we've let her make the choices in designs when we've shopped for the baby. Now don't get me wrong it's still a scary step to take but I've found that the more she's included and allowed to do the easier and more enthusiastic she is.

I hope that this helps you some and good luck with your decision.

I thought going from 1 to 2 was more difficult than having the first, and I was a single mom the first time around! I felt HUGELY guilty about having a new baby and taking away time from my eldest daughter. My friend gave me some awesome advice which got me over that, thank goodness, but to transition from finally getting sleep to not sleeping at all, from having one who was independent and could do things on her own to being needed 100% of the time...it was hard for me. Maybe I got lazy? lol

I suffered from PPD after my first pregnancy as well, but had nothing but a little baby blues with my second (surrogacy) and third. Thank goodness!! So there's definitely hope that you won't have to go through all that mess next time, right? :)

We do want one more but I think I'd like to let my baby be a baby for awhile longer. Let her grow up and not need me so much, then we'll start all over again with another one. :)

There are all kinds of reasons why you should wait and just as many for why it'd be awesome to do it now. Pray on it (if you're the praying kind) and do what is best and right for you and your family.

Best of luck to you!!!

You have the luxary of PLANNING your second child! :) When my only child was 10 months old, I found out I was pregnant again... at first, we didn't know how we were going to make it financially. Then, when it came close for my daughter to pop out, I began to wonder HOW on earth I was going to be able to love my daughter as much as I did my son - and HOW was I going to be able to give her as much attention as my son, and still give my son the type of attention and love we were both accustomed to...
Then my daughter graced up with her presence. For me, it was hard because of what I stated above; BUT looking back, I shouldn't have made it such a big deal. Yes, it is hard to bring a second baby into your lives, but it is so worth it too!
My two kids are TOTALLY different! I mean like night and day. The key is to treat them equally, help them find their strenghts, and encourage them to help each other.
About the postpardum... You know that it is a possibility with a new pregnancy. Ask your doctor what you can do before you deliver a new baby to help ease the transition - to help lessen the depression. Maybe it is just having those anti-depressants on hand, maybe it is exercise... who knows. Whatever worked for you the first time, have it ready for the second time!
A lot of us moms forget that a new baby will sleep for the first month anyway - this will give you some trasition time for your family to get accustomed to another baby. Have your daughter really help with a new baby. It will make her feel very special and useful.
I really need to stop responding to questions before my first cup of coffee has kicked in. I hope this had made sense.
I guess bottom line is this: You will make it work! If you want another baby - go for it!
E.

Each baby is different. My oldest was a difficult baby, but by around 2, he had settled into a fairly easy child. BUT, I would not have made the decision to have a second based on that experience. My 2nd was a surprise and like you I was really worried about going through that again, my 2nd child was a very, very easy baby. And, it wasn't until he got older that things became difficult again (but I have two boys and apparently that's the most difficult combo and mine are just 2.5 years apart). Raising kids is the hardest job in the world and it's also the most rewarding. I won't tell you that it won't be difficult - it will, so you really need to decide if you think it's worth the effort. My personal experience is that 2 are 3x the work and energy as 1! So, I can see why some folks decide to go the only child route (btw - I'm the middle of 7 children and IMHO large families are overrated).

My advice is don't rush into the next one. My kids are 8 years apart and I love it. If you don't feel "ready" yet wait until next year. I agree about having more than one kid though. My son begged for a baby brother by the time he was 5 - he got a sister but he's alright with that.

Your daughter will become more and more independent and probably easier to handle in the next year so it may be a good time to start planning that second child. Chances are you will be able to handle it just fine.

My son was 18mo when I got prego w/my 2nd son. I thought ages 0-1 and 1-2 were easy with my first. It is now 2-3 that is super challenging for me. I am finding that I again am comfortable with the 0-1 with my 2nd son. It is easier the second time around b/c you know a little better what to expect, I have more questions and concerns about the oldest b/c I have never had a toddler but have had a baby - if that makes sense. My husband finds our oldest easier than the baby. I thought adding a child to our family was a big transition but adding a second was even more so. You have to balance a ton more things and seperate your attention more. I think everyone has phases they are better at handling than others - I find the baby stuff not very stressful (tiring no doubt) and the toddler stuff makes me nutty. So now my hubby and I tag team more - he hangs with the big kid and I hang with the baby when we need to get stuff done. But I definitley would say I love having two, and my oldest loves his little bro so that is amazing to watch. I was an only child too and didn't really enjoy it that much, hubby had one older bro (small families). Only you can decide, but it is do-able for sure.

Honestly, the second time around was great. I have been able to enjoy my second in a way that I didn't with my first. I didn't worry about things like I did with my first, I knew that if I made a small mistake, it wouldn't scar the child for life, etc.
Yes, the first several months were an adjustment, but newborns are just difficult to have around :-)
Once we were sleeping though the night, things got better. The main thing that made our first year with two difficult is that my oldest was just 2. At 3.5, your child will be SOOO different from the way she is now, and by the time she's 4, she'll be much easier to deal with.

Dear M.,

I agree with the mom who said that you are a lot more relaxed with the second baby that you were the first. I know that at first I felt guilty-- like my eldest was missing out on things we would have done together that I could not do with a newborn-- like go to the pool.

Now that they are a little older, and I see how much they love each other and love to play together, I have no regrets at all. I cannot imagine what it would be like if we had one without the other.

I will tell you that it was a big change for us, but ours are just 17 months apart. They are both adopted, and we assumed it would take a long time to get the 2nd child, and were pleasantly surprised that it took just 2 months to be chosen once we submitted our album. 2 1/2 weeks warning about baby #2 when the older child is just 17 months was overwhelming to me. I would look at my husband and say "we have 2 babies!" My dad was also diagnosed with lung cancer and died within my second child's first 4 months of life, so that also complicated things.

I remember a great realization when I was feeding my newborn and my younger daughter wanted to be on my lap too. I would tell her no at first, then realized that my lap was big enough to hold them both. That was sort of a break through for me, realizing that I could hold, love, and attend to them at the same time, just in different ways. My daughter's first year is sort of a big busy blur, but in hindsight, I would not have done it any other way. I don't know if this helps or not. I wanted to be honest and tell you it was not easy for me, but certainly worth it!

If you are a woman of faith, I agree that is the best place to start with your decision is prayer. Best of luck to you and your family!
A.

I personally thought 0 to 1 was harder than 1 to 2. I guess because my husband and I were 30 when our first was born and we had already become a little set in our ways and we had no idea what a baby was going to do to the mix. At least when our 2nd was born we knew what we were in for. We are about to find out what 2 to 3 is like. I can tell you that you have no time when you have more than 1 but that watching the relationship that develops between your children is the greatest thing in the world. I would not trade it for anything. I also like knowing that years from now after my husband and I are gone my kids will still have each other. Its a tough decision but I would listen to your heart and if your heart is telling you that you want another child then don't let the work scare you. Anything is do- able, you may have to make some adjustments in your life but after only a few months you will get into your new family routine. Best of luck. By the way my first two were exactly 3 years apart and I personally thought it was a good separation. My oldest is a girl too and she was very helpful and kind of like a second mommy to our little boy when he was born.

? #1-FROM EVERTHING I've EVER READ/HEARD/ETC about young kids and sleeping, DO NOT SKIP THE NAP!!!!!! At the very least, they need the "down-time" (even if not sleeping) until AT LEAST age 4 but often up to age 6. They can't get in enough hours of sleep simply at night. They need it broken into segments. At least have her lay in her bed and "read", listen to music, or rest! It doesn't matter that she sleeps well at night, she still needs the "nap". Children need the extra break between play "sessions" for their brain to "recover" from all the stimuli! Check out sleep charts on line (showing age and hours needed) if you want more info on total hours needed for her age.

As for ? #2, THIS IS JUST MY PERSONAL OPINION, but EVERY MOTHER FEELS YOUR WAY AT SOME POINT UPON HAVING OR EXPECTING #2, but people do it every day, so it is do-able. I was just talking to my in-laws about this very thing and we all agreed about feeling this way but that it is just part of being a mother!

I was scared to death when I found out I was preg. w/ #2 (a Surprise) which was going to be so close in age to my #1. I, too, felt over-whelmed with #1 at the time (who was very demanding of our attention at the time) plus we had many other temporary not-so-newborn-friendly happenings/situations going on in our life (see "A little about me). Dealing with a newborn PLUS the existing toddler was a very scary thought, but the decission was already made for us and we always knew we wanted our child to have a sibling (or two). So having #2 wasn't bad, just much sooner that we had hoped for and planned for (we were aiming for 3 years, like you are and got them only 18 mos. appart instead) and a forced issue. BUT, it all turned out wonderfully! If we would have waited, our darling toddler may have become a demanding brat by that time, or God knows what else may have 'caused probs. She loved her bro. right from the start and loves "helping" me with him. I believe God knew better what he was doing than we did on that one!
In my personal opinion, it is better on everyone in the family to have the second child sooner that later (by time kids get 5 or so, they get used to being the only one and get more demanding where as at a younger age, they may be more needy but are more flexible on what they demand on you as the parent) and the kids are more like play-mates and companions than competitors for your attention.
You will be surprised how well you adjust after the second comes along. To me, the second baby really was easier than the first. The first few monthes are crazy, no lie, but by the beginning of the third mos. or so you get into a routine and things get normal. You will feel no more or no less "OVERWHELMED" with two than you feel right now with one.

Given your history of post-pardum, make sure you have a good support system (from family, friends, and your doc) before making your final decission and you will be fine. And when baby #2 comes, just remember a quote I came accross and now live by:
"When dealing with small children and you seemed overwhelmed, treat each situation like triage or an ER and get a hand on the most urgent situation first before worrying about the second, third, etc...............

BEST OF LUCK!

you can do it! You made it through one!!!!!

T.