My problem is this, one of my boys is having a really hard time listening. He refuses to do anything I say. When I ask him to do anything he throws himself down and screams at the top of his lungs. This has been happening for awhile but now that my husband and I are seperated it is getting much more severe. I have tried everything I can think of to try and make him stop but nothing seems to work. If anyone has any advice for me it would be greatly appreciated. I know he is probably trying to test his boundaries but with having 3 other children to care for besided him I need some help.
Put him in time out and stick with it each time he miss behaves. If he is 3 let him sit for 3 minutes, 5 yrs 5 minutes, you get the idea. Stay in control and follow through each time. He will eventually get the point.
I am so sorry. I have been divorced for three years now and it is still a struggle. My son is almost seven and has adjusted well. Children love and need routine, schedule and boundaries. My only advise is...everything else is changing in thier lives so mom MUST stay consistant..."These are the rules" YOU set them, inforce them, and reward them. Consistancy....It is VERY hard to be the enforcer at times. I am not talking about punishing them or hitting them just explain the rules. After a while you will find they feel safe inside the boundaries you have set for them. They can't step out and no one can step in...KEEP THEM SAFE.
Best wishes
Your son is probably having a hard time with the troubles in your marriage and that is probably why he is acting out.Kids do things like that...act out rather than say what is really bothering them. I do not know the circumstances surrounding your separation but I am sure there were marital problems prior to the separation. Kids sense things and I am sure your son saw or heard somrthing that upset him,then that lead to his acting out. I suggest getting him,as well as your other children and yourself in counseling. It will help a great deal and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to e-mail me anytime at ____@____.com. I was a foster parent for 7 years,I have adopted 6 kids through the foster care system and we have been through quite alot with the kids we care/have cared for,so I know what you are going through. Take care and good luck,M.
I know alot of people don't like the idea of counseling, but I think it is very beneficial in times of divorce, especially with boys who are living with the mom. I'm not sure where you live, but check into youth and family counseling services, they have all kinds of programs and even some that focus on moving and understanding a divorce. They have some programs that are free depending on your situation, especially if the kids are being negatively affected by it. Good Luck!
if it has gotten to the point you cant handle it then you should get him into anger management classes and therapy in order to teach him positive ways of coping with whatever. maybe you should take some parenting courses. not because you are a bad mother but because it may give you new perspectives and enable you to meet others who have difficult children and can understand where you are coming from. good luck
Ok, this is going to sound drastic but this came from a peditrician that I know. When a child throws themselves down on the floor and starts screaming and they won't stop after being asked to stand up, he says take a small glass of cold water and toss it on them. Now, I know it sounds scary but one of my best friends did it and only had to do it one time. You don't have to try it but I just wanted to pass this on to you. Maybe it will help you.
Wow, you have a full plate! You really need a support system. Do you attend Church? If it were me I would pray over him and ask God to help control his anger. My daughter was a daddy's girl and when she was 5 I left him. For many years she resisted any type of correction from me and even told me she hated me and wanted her daddy. He did not stay close to her because he was not reliable, so over the years she grew and matured. I never gave up and just continued to be the best mother I could be, which many times I fell short because I had to work alot to provide for them. She will be 18 in August, and some time around 13 and up she really started to realize some adult things. Like I was the one always there for her and I was always taking care of her. So I encourage you to hang in there, be patient, kind and loving. Don't give in to the fits, just walk away and let him know you will not reward that behavior. Children really test and push our limits, so be firm about how far you will let it go. I will pray for you to have stregth, peace, and joy. Also you have to do everything you can to get a hold on it now, because as a young man and teenager you need him to have that respect for you. Email me if you would like to talk more. God Bless!
I understand where you are. Divorce is hard on everyone but especially the kids. How old is your son? He's probably got a lot of anger and hasn't learned the right way to express it. When my daughter threw fits and screamed, I put her in her room. I told her that if she wanted to scream, that was fine but I wouldn't listen to it. Then I'd come back when she'd finished and we'd talk about what had made her so angry. Whether or not that will work for you, I don't know. My daughter was 3.
I would also tell him firmly that this behavior is unacceptable because he is a big boy, that he needs to use his words. If he can learn to verbalize his frustration, it will be so much better for both of you.
I would talk to his school counselor and your pastor at church. Get help for him anywhere you can. He needs to respect you but also to be able to express his feelings. His family and whole life is being ripped apart, like yours. He just isn't mature enough to handle it and if he was prone to meltdowns before, a divorce will intensify it.
I'll keep your family in my prayers.
God bless,
Chris
I read a few of the responses.
I have to agree with 2 points.
1. You are the parent, so you must act like it at all times. You say what you mean and mean what you say. You stay consistent, fair, and non-emotional (yes very hard) as you deal with him at these times.
2. You respond to this immediately and nip it now.
When he is bigger it will not only be inappropriate but dangerous to have a big boy throwing fits at everything.
The glass of water works very well.
A spanking (yes an old fashioned paddle on the butt) works very well.
Seclusion in a room alone while the rest do something really fun/nice/messy works very well FOR SOME KIDS.
The key is to find something he does not like. Make it very uncomfortable to be a brat (which is what he is doing) and he will choose to behave better because it is more fun. ;-)
Another thing is that the kids are going through this divorce too. They are emotionally torn up and trying to deal with things also. They will all act differently. This may be his way of venting and he may not know any other way to express himself.
When kids do this it is our job to teach them it is okay to vent, to be angry or frustrated, to want something and not get it. But it is not okay to throw a fit. You have to teach him ways to express it better. That might be hitting a pillow, taking a long walk (at 5 I guess you need to let him walk circles in the backyard alone. LOL), or even drawing an angry picture. Kids dont' know what they should do, they are just coming up with whatever they can. We have to show what is acceptable and not acceptable.
Good luck,
ts
Hi K.,
A big acknowlegement goes out to how hard your situation is.. trying to juggle 4 kids while also going through a divorce. Any divorce or dissolution or relationship, even if you want it, hurts. I'm sorry.
With regard to your son who seems to be having a hard time... I would let him throw himself on the ground and have his feelings. I often tell my husband, as I am holding my freaking out 6 year old, "he gets to have his feelings with me empathizing and having compassion for how he *feels*.. now does he get to stay on the computer for another minute? No, he does not!"
I would remember a couple of things.. how hard it is really to be a child... to always be directed and told what to do, then it may also feel like in his mind that he is losing his dad, what a scary place for a little boy. But boundaries are important. I let mine freak out and cry and all of that, but when boundaries are crossed I also use time outs, or if hitting another person is involved then a priveledge gets taken away.
lots of luck to you during this hard time
A.- mom to Dominic (9) and Julian (6)
K., I feel your pain I have an eight year old daughter I am going through the same thing with,Well except the divorce part. I recently seeked out counsceling for her and I am hoping that this will work. My husband tels me to pick my battles which is not something I am very good at, i want it done when i ask not after she has her fit and that is something that I am working on. She can be violent so i have to be especially careful when she gets mad. I am sorry I do not have any advice for you right now but if i make a break with mine i will definately let youknow how i did it.I wish you the best and all of gods blessings in your hard times.
