A.J.
Hi J.,
I am not disgusted at all by what you have shared. I am proud of you for for sharing what many many moms feel. I have felt the same. I have dedicated my entire life, even as a young child, on how to be the best mom. It is all I have ever really wanted to do. I worked hard to become a teacher so I could understand child development & apply it as a parent.
Right now, with 7, 5 & 3 year old children, I am less than enthusiatstic about my career choice (SAHM). Mommying goes way beyond knowing child development - which does help me parent better, but it is the other things I have a hard time with:
Constant colds, vomiting, hospitalizations, broken bones, attitudes, ear infections, potty training, excessive laundry, no rewards, high expectations, antibiotics, lingering coughs, cracked skin, lyme disease, having to provide every meal & make it healthful, screaming, whining, fighting, broken toys, boogers, belly aches, no sick time for moms, no coffee breaks, no lunch break, middle of the night wakings, waking at the crack of dawn every single day for the past 7 years & seeing no end in sight. This is NOT what I signed up for.
I have learned to cope with it and I know I am doing a good job, but I also know I am not alone. I have met many moms who experience the same feelings. I have known many moms who claim everything is always perfect, well, they are full of baloney.
I have had many moms comment to me that I look like the perfect mom. I always immediately stop and tell that person that their perceptions, although flattering, are not what they seem. I admit to them that I am exhausted, stressed, not having fun all the time. I do not always have a healthful hot meal for them, sometimes I do not read them a bedtime story, sometimes I yell at them for falling and scraping their kneee, I have spanked, I have walked away, I have cried, I am not a perfect mom and I will not let anyone think otherwise. I do not want moms to ever feel inferior or jealous of me for what they see on the outside. When they see me outside riding bikes with my kids, much of the time I'd rather be laying on the couch watching brain numbing tv. I am not perfect. I am a mom.
Now, I do not know what TM is as you had stated but I hope it works for you. I went the anti-depressant route because my severe PMS was only making matters worse. I have actually gone 2 months without and I am finally beginning to feel like I have control of my life as a mommy.
I love my children deeply, and I will not give up my job. Shortly after my first was born a friend said to me that being a parent is hard when you do it the right way. I have analyzed that over and over. It is hard because I am doing what is right. It is hard work making sure they get the recommended amount of sleep, making them eat their veggies, seeing them get their vaccines, not letting them have candy for breakfast, insisting they wear their bike helmet, putting them in time out for hitting.
Sure it would be much easier to let them eat cake for breakfast, let them hit each other, buy them everything they wanted, let them stay up as late as they wanted, let them color the walls with crayons, eat lollipops for lunch, not wash their hands, not potty train them until they are 4, not sit with them while they do homework, not read to them, not teach them how to drink from a cup, not change a wet diaper, not bathe them. Parenting would be easy if you did not care.
PARENTING IS HARD WORK BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT!
You'll feel rewarded eventually. Keep doing your best. You have support here, and please please please know that despite what you see, read and hear, there is no such thing as the perfect mom. We are all in this together! God bless you!