Help! 3 Year Old Acting Out

Updated on August 29, 2008
C.W. asks from Lawson, MO
16 answers

Hi moms. I have a few behavioral issues with my almost 4 year old. The first thing that has been going on for a while is he picks his nose. He does this in public or wherever he might be at the time. I have explained to him that this is not something to do in public and even tried showing him how to use a tissue. When I get on to him he actually giggles and thinks it is funny. Any suggestions on how to curb this problem. Also here within the last few weeks he has been acting out. He will not listen to me and if I tell him no or he can't have something in the store he will grab it and run from me and laugh. I have to chase him down, frazzled and embarased at his behavior. There has been a lot going on the last few weeks. We have had several family members sick so there has been lots of trips to doctors offices and hospitals. I help take my in laws and my parents to doctors appointments since I am staying at home right now and not working. My son has always been one to do things his own way but this recent behavior is not tolerable. I have tried swatting, talking, time- out. I am not for sure if he is looking for more attention from me or not but he usually has it. He acts worse with me than with my in-laws or my husband. Any advice would be aprreciated. He is an only child and I have stayed at home with him since he was born. Last year I went to college to become a respiratory therapist and finished with that in April, My mother in law watched him so he has not been in daycare or around too many other kids. Thanks so much for any advice. This is such a great site.

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So What Happened?

Thank you all so much for the advice and the support. Sometimes as a Mom you question the decisions you are making because you don't want to cause emotional damage to your kid. I am so glad to hear that this is normal 3 year old behavior. He is so busy and so full of energy. I have noticed that I will tell him not to do something and he will do it and I will keep telling him to quit instead of following through with something such as a time out. I have explained to him that mommy is just going to tell you two times and then you will have to sit in a time out. That seems to be getting a better response out of him. I am also picking my battles. If it is not something that is going to hurt him or cause a lot of trouble I am just going to not worry about it. He really is such a gift and it amazes me how smart and wonderful he is. I am just so glad to know I am not the only mom out there that is going through this phase. It helps me know that I did not mess up my child along the way. Like I said he is very head strong and I need to learn to use that to my advantage instead of fighting against it. I plan on putting him in day-care after I finish school in 6 months. I will start working then but it should only be for 3 days a week so I will have time with him so he can have the time with me. I think Katrena may be right about the percentage of time that he spends with me as opposed to everyone else. He has more time with me to defy me. That is alright. Since I have put in place the two warning rule it has gotten better and he has even put himself in time out a couple of times which is very hard not to chuckle at. I thank God every day for my son and I thank Him for all of you. It is so nice to have people out there that are willing to help and care. Thanks so much.

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A.A.

answers from St. Louis on

C.,
I totally understand where you are coming from! I was beginning to think I was alone. I have a 3 1/2 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. I really see a difference in the boy's behavior versus the girls. At first I thought, well maybe he's not getting enough "mommy" time, but they both get individual time with me but he acts so differently than her. He is always on the go. If we go to a mom's group outing or something, all the little girls, including mine, will sit and eat their lunches while my boy won't sit still. I truly think it's a 3 year old boy syndrome. I wanted to get him in preschool to help with it this year, but the school can't get him in until next year. Some of us just can't pay for private preschool. He goes to a sitter once a week with other kids so he does get socialization.
Mine does the nose picking thing to. I don't make a big deal out of it. I don't really have a lot of advice for you, but I wanted you to know you're not alone!

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A.Y.

answers from Wichita on

Bless your heart, you sound like you are taking care of everyone but yourself :). Sweetie, boys will be boys, so I can't help you on the nose picking. However, the failing to listen is serious. He is old enough to understand consequences. What works well for me is giving him 2 warnings. And if he chooses to continue to disobey follow through with the consequences. Time our, or loss of privilage. And yes, we do spankings if he deliberatly disobeys. I have taught him this quote (based on biblical teachings) "Disobedience brings consequences, but obedience brings blessings" Sometimes I will reward good behavior with physical "blessings" candy, a treat from the store, a small toy, etc. Or he may get to do a special activity with me; read a story, play a game, go swimming, etc. Sometimes I tell him blessings come in ways we can't always see and he just needs to be good b/c God knows and will give him the blessing in His time! I have noticed that he is more prone to acting up when I am failing to spend un-distracted time with him. When I am so busy working or cleaning, or whatever he will usually act up to get my attention. Good luck!

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J.C.

answers from Kansas City on

sounds like he is just acting out because of all the changes going on. You might try explaining what's going on-- "we're going to take grandma to the doctor today. At the doctor's office, we need to sit quietly. What books/toys would you like to bring with us?" Especially at this age, kids thrive on routine, so when things are crazy, they don't know what to do with themselves. I found that giving my kids a heads-up when something is going to change really does wonders. 5 min before we need to leave or change activities, I tell them "in 5 minutes, it's time to get ready for bed" With a 3yo, you could also give him a 1-min warning. Just try to keep him informed about what's going on, and give him little choices (such as what books he wants to take somewhere) so he feels like he has a little control. Adults don't even like to be left out of the loop and wondering what's going to happen next.

As for the nose-picking, my oldest, now 6, had her finger in her nose ALL the time. It seriously looked to me like her nostrils were getting huge from it. We tried everything as well, with no improvement. Finally, I explained to her that she can pick her nose as much as she likes in our house, but she does NOT do it when we're out of the house, or if we have company in our house, because it grosses other people out. I had to (nicely & quietly) remind her for a while when we were in public (I whispered the words "are we at home?" SOOO many times during the first couple weeks!) but eventually, it got to where she would only do it at home. Now that's she's six, she very rarely does it at all. This too shall pass!

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D.L.

answers from St. Louis on

Talk to your pediatrician about diet options, you may be surprised how eliminating certain items from the diet help behavior.

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K.B.

answers from Kansas City on

Hi, C.. I definitely think that your son is acting out to get your attention. He doesn't care if it is negative or not. Try spending 15 minutes a few times a day doing something only with him without distractions. Play a game, go for a walk, and really tune in to him. As for the picking the nose problem, try having him wash his hands EVERY TIME he does it. I bet he will get tired of that, since it will take him away from whatever other activity he is doing. Good Luck.

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S.D.

answers from St. Louis on

All of my boys are grown....they range from 26-38 years old I have 5 boys. It sounds like your little boydoing the nose picking because you keep making an issue out of it...when he does ot ignore him. Ehen he wants something from the stor just say okay I'll let you pick outone thing and one thing only and say do we have a deal and confirm the deal. Let us all know how things turn out....S. D.

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N.F.

answers from St. Louis on

Hi C.,

I have raised three daughters - they are all in their 20s now. I can say I was fortunate that none of them ever had any behavioral problems. I also have a granddaughter that just turned 4 - she is an only child and has recently developed selective hearing and nose picking, (something all children do and a lot of adults too). I believe the nose picking will be something he will outgrow, or at least learn to use a tissue! As far as the acting out - a lot of children are looking for the extra attention - even if it's "bad" attention - it is attention none the less (especially if there is a change in their lives). Sometimes the best reaction is none at all! When you react by chasing him it becomes a game, and he knows he is pushing your buttons.

Also since he is an only child have you thought of part time preschool? I realize you said you stay home with him - but most only children need to socialize with their peers.

By the way all little ones go through the I can't hear you thing - it is very effective if you can't hear him sometimes!

Once you find something that works with him - stay with it - consistency is the key - no matter where you are.

Good luck!

N.

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K.S.

answers from Kansas City on

Wow a lot of good advice, which I will use as well :) Since a have a now have a 3 year old. 2's were challenging but 3 just stink! Ah, the authority challenging it unreal, I agree! And again, my kids do it with me and not with my husband (as much) or others. Could it be that due to % I am the one with him 24 / 7 and the others are not? It is true that the best cure to something gone wrong is something new and I belive that applies to people. ex. having troubles with mom, then comes in dad oh, let's do something else that's fun. I don't get it, it's not fair, but it the mom thing. I don't know if I agree on the whole day care thing. In my opinion (for what it's worth) you are just passing the problem off to somebody else who has the patients to deal with it (or the paid job) :) I don't see how that would "fix" things, they still don't learn to mind you - the mom. The teacher maybe....
But, I have problems with the whole mommy day out, pre-school programs, so I might be a bad person to reference this. Since when did it become totally necessary to emerce our kids into "school" to prepare them for more school. I mean kindergarden started so that 1st grade is not a shock (ie, the 1/2 day to whole day thing), now we have whole day kindergarden so we have pre-school to prepare for K, then mommy day out to prepare for pre-school. Isn't all the change from one group to another, from one schedule to another, from one school to another too much change? What ever happened to good old fun, as a child, at home? We can teach them what the need to know (I'm sure we all know our colors and can count?) Social issue is the only reason I can justify all the hoop'la but you know what mom's need a social life as well, and who better to get that from, than from other mom's with kids. Let the kids play, let the moms talk (and supervise and teach).

If you have a good social network from him and you, then just keep at it. Nobody ever said it's easy- nothing worth doing right ever is, and if he didn't challenge you then he would not be a normal, healthly little boy, which we as parents for thank God for everyday. Now, I say that to myself as well as to you as I need to hear that today as well. Ah, it's been a hard day. I hate loosing a battle (physical or emotional) to a 3 year old, it makes me feel weak and a failure as a mom. At the end of the day I feel like I've been beaten-up and left behind. So, start again tomorrow. As my mentor (mom of 7 - all 7 years apart 4 of them quads). She just falls on her face - prays for help for the next 5 mins. gets thru that and falls on her face again to pray for the next 5 min.

A fellow mom, who is trying to survive as well. Doing the best I know how, and trying to learn better ways everyday day :)

J.B.

answers from Kansas City on

Oh what we have to look forward to! Our daughter is only 13mos, so I'm always interested in seeing what others recommend for things like this and file them away for later. Since I've not been through it, I can only suggest reading Love & Logic. It seems like a great approach to handling kids at all ages. I'm hoping it will work for us, though we're not quite at a stage to test much of it out yet. Good luck to you and hang in there!

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L.A.

answers from Wichita on

I suggest putting him in daycare (as someone mentioned above). Its amazing what a little peer pessure and structure can do. My son is always better behaved when he's going to daycare than when he stays with his grandma or aunt. At school he'll learn he can't always have things his way and thats just life. It also teaches him great school readiness skills.

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M.N.

answers from St. Louis on

Dear C.,
You are not alone with the nose picking. I have been told my the multitudes that this is a stage and "it too shall Pass". I just hope it passes quickly. The best advice has been to ignore it as much as possible, albeit it is very difficult.
The behavior key is consistency: positive behavior begets positive rewards and negative behavior is ignored and not recognized in our home. I also like Alicia's phrase, I am just going to have to borrow that one. My son likes charts with pictures, so I just might take her phrase and draw pictures with it somehow with smiley's and gold stars, etc...
Good Luck, I am right there with you. Four is so Grand ;}
M. N.

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M.L.

answers from St. Louis on

That may be your answer a few days in day care. this will help him to socialize within his age group and let his energy loose and also teachers who can will help you to structure his behavior. Good Luck

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A.N.

answers from St. Louis on

I have struggled with the same issues with my 4 1/2 year old daughter. She's generally a good kid, but once she's decided that she's going to do something, she's going to do it no matter what I say. And punishements are a joke to her. When I tried spanking she would say "that didn't really hurt". I tried taking away priveledges (like TV), she would say "oh good, I was tired of watching TV anyway". Every time she started to act up, I felt like I was going into battle empty handed! One piece of advice that I found helpful was this: Don't get emotional. I don't know if this is the case for you, but when my daughter really acts up I have a tendency to get angry, upset, to yell (a lot!). What I'm beginning to realize, is that when I get upset it's showing her that I'm not in control of the situation. She's controlling my behavior rather than me controlling hers. And that's exactly how I feel when she acts really terrible - out of control! Kids are sooo perceptive, and I really do think they pick up on these things. So in a bad situation, try to stay completely calm (or at least pretend to be!). Don't waste time with a lot of talking and lectures (at least not in that moment). Just say, if you choose to not listen to me, this is what's going to happen (leave the store, take away the toy, etc...), then if they disobey, you carry out the punishment right away without acting angry, just very matter-of-fact. This has been really tough for me, but I do think it helps. If you're in a public place, I've always been told to just pick up the child and take them out of the store, although this hasn't worked for me. Once my daughter is in that mindset, she fights back, and it turns into a brawl. To a bystander, it probably looks like a kidnapping!! Anyway, hope some of this might be helpful. Hang in there!

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A.L.

answers from St. Louis on

Your son as hard as it is to hear is being 3 almost 4. He is right at an assertive stage and he is goign to test his boundries. Children try to test thier boundries the most with those that they feel the most comfortable with! Congrats mom thats you. I would just continue to be very firm with your rules and do nto change or bend your discipline to suit his changes. Children crave consistancy. If time out is your approach then stick to it, no matter where you are. I have explained to my children that Walmart even has a time out. Just stick with it your son will pull through it I promise.

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K.S.

answers from Kansas City on

The nose picking stuff, I really don't think is a big deal. He's being a little boy and just exploring his nostrils, and I don't understand why so many people think it is the grossest thing a kid could do. Be glad he didn't choose to explore down his pants all the time! :)
As far as the other problems go, If he see's that you are frazzled and embarassed, he knows that he can control you. I would take a second look at the way you're reacting to him. You said he acts worse w/ you than w/ your husband, so I would take a look at the way your husband disciplines him. He obviously respects him more or he wouldn't behave better around him. Boys tend to be more ornry,(sp)so I would try just relaxing a bit more and I bet he will start behaving better.

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A.S.

answers from St. Louis on

Well just like you mentioned, your son is smart and he should know better. If he does not act out with his in-laws, you need to find out thier method of discipline. You need to be persistent in what it is you wasnt him to do and make him understand how important it is to respect you. He is not too young to understand, at his age they are absorbing alot and trying to see just what it is they can get a way with. I have two children a boy who is 14yrs. old and a girl, who is 10yrs. old. THey are not perfect but, I have always stress the importance of respect, I've prayed for guidance, I've always talked to my children about different situations that may occur, and every now and then I had to resort back to an old fashion whooping. FYI, Never under estimate your child's ability to understand. Remember, everybody is born with common sense, it' up to us to help them understand what it is and how to use it.

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