Help!!! - Saint Louis,MO

Your niece is in the middle of puberty. Even in the best of circumstances she would probably be a bit of a pain right now. That said there is no reason not to try and work with her, but pick your battles. You are getting a sibling type of relationship now that they live together is probably what is happening.

Also, I'd explain to your daughter that since her cousin is getting older she can't expect to play with her very often. Tell her that you hope they will get close again when they are both all grown up.

You've got a 10 year old girl who's whole life has been turned upside down. She no longer has her own house, plus the age diff between 6 and 10 is a big deal. I'm sure for visits they would play together fine but now living together is a totaly different thing. Give your niece her space and let her come to terms with what is happening in her life. Your daughter needs to understand that if she backs off possibly your niece will then want to spend more time with her.

Wow this isn't an easy situation and I can totally see and understand why your mommy radar is going off saying 'protect'. There is now an invader going into your daughters space, her safe zone, place of love and comfort, her home for gosh sakes. This girl who is invading, is taking her things, space, and attention. And to top it all off this invader was originally a great friend, a welcomed playmate; but clearly that relationship has changed. So now your daughter is dealing with rejection, which is never easy but at the age of six just isn't something she has had to deal with yet and most parents try to avoid their kids being hurt by rejection (at six it usually would be by not setting up another playdate with the kid).

I completely get why you feel on edge and defensive. And although you want to help family, you are now putting your family in the middle of all the fun emotional effects of divorse. This ten year old is a child, and clearly not yours and so you are right to bring things to her mothers attention and let her deal with them. But you have a vested interest in this kid and your sister in law needs to know you are worried and concerned. And like the previous entry said-- this is now becoming a sibling relationship, but if they were both yours to parent then you would know that you can parent both of them into an acceptable sibling bond (which isn't always a best friends role) and now you can only parent one so it isn't going so well. So now you have a very very strong influence on your daughter in your house teaching your daughter disrespect and making her deal with grown up situations.

That being said, I think you need to all sit down and come up with a list of rules. When it comes to adult children moving in, boyfriends moving in, or anyone who wants to live at your house-- you get to set your requirements for them to stay. It may sound mean, but it is that tough love your sister in law clearly doesn't understand too well. I would explain that you aren't looking for the girls to be best friends, but there are rules of respect that you expect from any child or adult in your house, whether visitors or people living there. And your sister in law needs to enforce the rules with her daughter or you will have set consequences.... (you have a right to control your house) so for example your niece isn't allowed to watch the TV. But make it clear to your sister in law and your husband that your door is wide open, but you aren't at a hotel. There is no such thing as a free lunch. You have rules and/or chores for every person in your house and if they don't like that then by all means there are hotels, apartments and plenty of places she can go to and have her own rules. If she isnt' able to afford such luxuries as her own place then unfortunately she and her daughter must show the respect that you earned by working hard to get a place of your own.
Unfortunately for any parent living somewhere else sometimes the rules of the house do infringe upon and dictate parenting styles. She has to adjust her parenting methods to be a functioning member of YOUR house. If you are clear and upfront with what you expect, you are going to avoid many fights down the road from random "new" expectations or clashes. I mean think about it, you are clear with your daughter what you expect from her which is why she functions so well in your family. I know this sounds harsh and you don't own your sister in law because she is there, but there needs to be a mutually respectful relationship. And from what it sounds like your sister in law is quickly overstepping her boundries. You need to feel empowered enough to realize that you are the person with the ultimate authority and also the person who very generously gave of your house. You are putting your family through a lot to help her, so respect is the least you will get from it.

Well, I would sit them both down and talk to them. They need to get along, whether they like it or not........explain that they are living together and that's what families do in times of need.......

Make sure they have time apart and separate things to do.........being in your face all day can be an issue..........

I would also talk to the 10 year old Niece, she is older and I would expect her to "be more" mature...........not older than a 10 yr old, but more than a 6 year old. I would also tell her that you know she is going through a tough time right now, but so is her Mom and Dad.......and that she is living in YOUR home......you are glad to help her and her Mommy because you are family, but this is your daughters home......not just a home until things get better and they can find their own space. Make her understand in a nice way, but she needs to cool her jets.........this isn't her palace.........

I'm sure that your sister in law is so emotional right now, she doesn't see this the way you do. You have had your home invaded, she hasn't.........and although it's nice and not nice at the same time, for her it's a sanctuary and a big help......

Hang in there, I'm sure they will come to some sort of truce, even if you have to evoke one for them!!!
Take care.

Maybe you can help the two of them with limited planned activities. My daughter is 4 years old and plays with her friend across the street who is eight. There is a gap in age, but they do fine together for a few hours. I always watch the time so they continue to have a good time together the next time they play.

Encourage her to get out into her own place as quickly as possible. What is the relation? Is she your brother's wife or your husband's sister? If your husband's sister, then he should step in and support you too. I mean, it is your house, not hers. If she's living there, she needs to live by your house rules and if she doesn't like it, she needs to move out as soon as she can.

How is your house set up? Would it be possible to kinda divide it up almost like a mini-apartment? Not actually doing any renovations, but like give them the lower level and they're expected to mostly stay down there, unless they need to use the kitchen or an upstairs bathroom? And then you guys stay mostly in the upstairs part unless you have to go down to do the laundry? Something like that could help.

10 yrs and 6 yrs is a noticable gap at their ages. The 10 year old probably feels that the 6 year old wants to play things that are no longer "cool for her" and unfortunately your daughter gets to suffer. I would tell your daughter to respect your niece's space and I would tell your niece to respect your daughter's space and yours. Maybe having more opportunities for your daughter to play with kids her age (having friend over etc) at her home would make it less obvious that her cousin is less interested in playing with her.
If your sister-in-law is not going to address the issue of her daughter's rude behavior than I would declare, my house, my rules and if you do not like it you know where the door is. The same rules have to apply for everyone in the household and if your niece can not get on board with that I would discipline her like my own until she understands what being a family under one house means. She needs to be told and shown that the kids do not rule in you rhouse and I would make it clear that if she wants to continue to be disrespectful than she will be grounded, or lacking the things she covets for a while. I do not envy your situation and really hope things can get figured out for you guys! Keep us posted on how it plays out.

well your sister in law isn't trying to hard because its not her daughter thats being hurt also try and invite maybe a friend of your daughters to hang out maybe or talk to your niece i know kind of how you feel or i know how your daughter feels my sister was just like that to me and know my daughters are the same one really likes to play and the others to old so i hope i helped