OK, ladies it's one of THOSE questions. I'm finally divorcing my cheating spouse who travels 95% of the time. I have been the only parent home for virtually six years. He has a drinking issue as well-nothing terrible (at home), but he has admitted it's an addiction and a bigger problem when he travels (in a band, so partying is major every day pretty much). He has the only income at this time, I do not work (yet, but I intend to). I do NOT intend to share custody, and I do not foresee a fight from him on that, but I want to it to be AIR TIGHT that I have full charge of the kids and can allow him to visit whenever he wants. If that's possible.
What are some important questions I need to ask the attorney in consultation Thursday? Things I need to know? I really know NOTHING about this process. What are things you wish you did and didn't do in your divorce regarding how you handled it? I want to go to the meeting armed with important questions.
All we own is the house (only in his name) and one car. No savings or any other valuable anything.
@ Jo, In my dream world we bought the house together after three years of marriage and I paid down payment with my savings from the career I quit to care for kids with his enthusiastic encouragement, and stupidly, since I had bad credit, we went through him and I didn't bother to get my name on it.
Sounds like you pretty much know what you want. Tell the lawyer and he'll tell you if it's possible and how to do it. He'll go thru the process with you.
Remember this...the person you divorce is not the same as the person you married....things get nasty during divorce.
It is very possible for you to get full custody and him just visitation but I would urge you to not leave visitation completely open-ended. Doing so opens you up to him just stopping anytime he wants and at odd or inconvenient times. I would suggest that you lay out flexible visitation since he travels so much (such as one or two nights each week if/when he's in town) with a stipulation of "any other time that is mutually agreeable"...this way it allows flexibility but doesn't guarantee "any time he wants" unless it suits you too.
The one thing I wished I did that I have heard others had but I did not is a settlement in which it stipulated my son's father being responsible for at least some of his college. He in DE, it stops when the child turns 18 and has graduated high school. I know others who did have it stipulated...hindsight.
I have never been divorced, but my friend went through one last year. My advice, would be not to "allow him to visit whenever he wants." This is exactly what my friend did, and boy did she regret that. Whenever he wants, turned into when it was convenient for him. Which, was usually not convenient for her and the kids. It really turned into a contentions point, in an otherwise peaceful parting of ways. I think it's wise to have some kind of visitation plan laid out. Definitely, ask your lawyer about that.
Make sure you reveal proof of all money he makes be it cash or otherwise.
My advice is be prepared for when your fantasy world comes to an end. When faced with losing their lifestyle very few men will give the ex full custody. He will most likely fight and the courts will give him 50%.
If the house was purchased before you were married you are only entitled to half of the equity accrued since your marriage. Even if it was purchased after you were married you are only entitled to half the equity. If you can't finance that debt you will not get the house.
You will need to be able to tell the attorney how much he makes, how much you spend and on what. You need to be able to list marital assets. That would be anything purchased during the marriage with marital funds. Marital funds are only earned money. A good way of looking at it is did *you* pay taxes on it. In other words if someone gave him money and he bought the car you have no rights to the car. If he inherited money and it went into the house you have no right to that equity.
Mostly the attorney will have questions and hopefully you have the answers.
Anyway, tell your attorney your dream and listen to and accept his reality.
I have sole custody of our kids, my ex has visitation (parenting time) and he pays child support and has them on his insurance. Just remember that custody, visitation and child support are 3 separate issues. For parenting time, be VERY specific. Don't just say, "father has child for christmas on odd years". Make sure it says Christmas is "Dec 25th from 8am to 8pm" or whatever. That way, if he doesn't return your child at 8pm, you have a court doc that says what TIME you should have him back. Also, say in there somewhere that "recieving parent is to pick up child". That way, if his car is broken down and its his parenting time, if he wants his kid, he needs to make arrangements to get him or you get to keep him. Its not YOUR responsibility to take your kid to him for his time unless you want to. Just make sure your documents about visitation/parenting time are very detailed. Also, make sure all communication is via email or text and keep it in files so you have it. That way, if there is a problem, you don't have he said/she said. Say something about phone calls. Like each parent has a right to one phone call to child per day while child is with other parent. Just remember, it goes both ways and if he calls, you have to allow him to talk to his child as well. And most of all, try to be reasonable. Even if your husband is crappy, he still was good enough to have a child with and now that child still loves and wants him as his father and always will. Good luck.
Issues to consider and cover in your divorce settlement: custody, visitation (including extended visits in the summer or xmas break, alternating holidays/birthdays etc), property division (house may be in his name, but you've been maintaining it for 6 yrs - if he owned the house before you were married, depending on the laws of your state, you may have an equity claim in the property), bring details of ALL bank accounts, pensions, possible retirement income or property, child support, spousal support (especially while you retrain, look for work etc).
Good luck!
Oh, and debt: that should be divided, too.
Another thing to consider is insurances. Make sure the kids are covered with health insurance, and I think it can be stipulated that he also covers you under his insurance. Also, life insurance, if you have any. You can have it stipulated that you are entitled to the life insurance, or the kids get it. Or if you have your own insurance and you don't want him to get it, make sure you change the beneficiary.
For the kids, I agree you should have a set schedule with some flexibility, not completely open ended. As for full charge, do you mean that you make all the decisions regarding the kids? I can see a fight on that.
Take an inventory of everything you have in the house. You maybe surprise where there is value.
He can still pay you spousal support. Even though the house is in his name only he will more than likely have to pay you half of what its worth. Unless he bought it before you were married, then I'm not sure. Since he is on the road it might work out to where you have to pay him half for the house then it can be transferred into your name ( depending on what he wants) With the car he will have to pay you half of what its worth.. or give you the car.
As for the visitation.. have it set dates. It will be so much easier for you if you do. It doesn't mean he has to come on those dates and if you choose to be nice and flexible you can... but still have it set dates on paper so you can refuse if its not convenient for you and wouldn't be on his day.
Make sure you get child support. Don't pass up on it. Hopefully he will pay it, but atleast it will be on paper he owes it to you and sooner or later it will catch up with him if he doesn't.
Google "Second Saturday" and see if there is a class near your area.
Actually, here is the link:
http://www.wife.org/secondsaturday.htm
It has a load full of info for women who are in the process or are thinking about divorcing, including financial planning, lawyers, counselors and meditators. Unfortunately, unless your husband signs over 100% custody to you, it may be difficult to get 100%. My therapist's husband was an abusive alcoholic and he still got granted 50% custody.
Document as many incidences as you can and keep a record of his behavior.
The Second Saturday class will help you protect yourself and show you the options you have. Don't do anything rash and don't let the lawyer talk you into an expensive court battle. There are many options and ways to get divorced. This class helped me tremendously with regards to making rational decisions, protecting my rights and sanity.
I don't have any relevant advice, A., but just want to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I know this couldn't have been a decision that you took lightly. I wish you the very, very best and hope you have the future that you deserve. Hugs.
You have to get a job today. Now. Not later or anything else. You need to go get child care assistance from the state and go to work. Even if it is at Walmart.
I cannot tell you have many times in the past year or two that I have heard women say they lost custody of their kids because they did not have an income and therefore could not support them.
They did not receive spousal support, they did not receive child support, nothing. Because they did not have their own income they did not qualify to get custody.
Do not count on that as income. It won't happen. The tides are turning since so many are agreeing to joint custody. I don't like how it's changing but it is starting to favor the men more now. Even if they are cheating butt wipes that has no bearing on their ability to parent a child. Even if he is traveling most of the time he could still end up with full custody and you paying minimum wage child support.
My friend's hubby moved out to go live with his current girlfriend. They went for their temporary hearing and since he was working he got full custody. This is a man who worked 3 jobs so she could be a SAHM when they started a family. She has no education past high school. She has fibromialigia and some arthritis in her wrists and hands. She can't even run the sweeper without having to wear wrist supports for a week after.
She gets to see her kids every Thursday and every other weekend. That's it. And she can't find a job so she is in arrears for child support.
It could happen so plan ahead. Just because an attorney says it's not likely to happen does not mean it won't. It's better to be prepared than not.
Plus you'll need to have cash to pay the attorney. They don't do the spouse paying anymore either. It's probably going to be at least a couple thousand in cash at first.
Make sure you visit with a couple of attorney's until you find one that you mesh with. They all say they can represent you but you won't be a priority to some. Wait until you find the one that feels right.
Being prepared is the best thing you can do.
