Okay so I know what the "typical" responses will be....counseling, yeah id be upset too, or you are cynical, or you are a selfish woman, etc. but I just have to let this out and then maybe I'll just feel better okay? So today is MLK holiday and the kids are out of school. Therefore they went to go spend the night with nana and paw-paw = date night for me and hubby ;()) He sends me a text yesterday while he was at work. "Looking forward to spending time alone with you" my response: Why? His response" It's just been awhile and I'm feeling like I've been ignoring you but I don't want you to feel that way....Ive just been consumed with trying to lose weight and coming to work.....I just feel excited to spend time alone with you"
Actually what happens -we go to dinner and we talk a little bit about our daughters and other little tid bits. Then he breaks away and begins to play on his cell phone????? Really??!!! He knows it's a pet peeve of mine with anyone-I even outed my sister a few weeks ago at dinner because she did it! I said NOTHING-as they say pick your battles but my feelings were hurt needless to say but figured well maybe he meant some romantic time later.....nope I cleaned while he worked out and then it was time for me to go to bed and he closes today so he stayed up later as usual-he is a night owl. I am not so needless to say I'm very confused as to what exactly he was excited about? Maybe it was just knowing I was there? We don't get to spend alone time very often because of his crazy retail schedule and having kids and just life in general but I really don't get it?
He was on Facebook-we waited to go eat after the game finished. I didn't say anything because I figured he may have meant alone time later in the bedroom or living room or somewhere else-lol but he already knows how I feel about playing on cell phones when going out to dinner with the family or me or anyone for that matter-emergencies are different and understandable or even work but simply playing on Facebook or whatever??? No-put the phone away! I usually WILL say something but didn't last night. I will get over it and next time I will be sure to mention it to him beforehand but it confuses me as to why a person would send that text earlier in the day only to NOT actually spend any time with them??? Makes no sense to me........
If you are confused and not understanding what he wants and you feel his behavior makes no sense then TALK to him about it. Honestly, how would we know what he's thinking? Only he knows, so ask HIM.
Do you have a cell phone, too? If so, text him or send a FB message across the dinner table . Something like... "Hey, look up, I'm here, talk to me handsome, looking forward to some romance after dinner...." etc.
Have you ever noticed that the difference between pet peeves and habits is pet peeves are habits we don't have?
When he texted you - it was a sweet gesture, and your response of "why" put him on the defensive. That was a prime opportunity for you to send an encouraging response back and even add something to guide the evening. A better response may have been "Aw! Thanks, honey! I'm looking forward to us being together too. I hope we can set aside distractions like our phones and games and just be together like old times!"
honestly I think you were rude to start with
when someone says I'm excited to have alone time with you and the other person responds WHY that in itself is rude.
Ussually someone only does that when they are bothered already...
he tried some more with telling you how he felt. did you reciprocate with "I can't wait, I miss you, and I want to XYZ after?"
it sounds like you were bitter from the start. Maybe instead of being bothered send him a text saying. I missed you in bed last night, when you get home tonight, make sure to wake M. upo so we can ...."??
being bitter won't solve anything
I'm with TF on this one. You both are at fault here. If I would have texted my husband saying that I couldn't wait to spend time alone with him and he texted back, "Why?" I would have been royally pissed off and not happy at all.
Regardless, neither one of you are mind readers. If you want sexy time with your husband, you should have said so. Sounds like you both need to work on your communication skills.
If I had sent my hubby a sweet text about spending time, etc, yada yada... and his response was "WHY"
My mood would be been done with him at that point. If I responded to him that way, he'd be done with the day off with me too.
True... both of you dropped the ball on this one. You need to seriously figure out how to communicate with each other. He dangled the flirt/tease card in your face and you shot him down. After your response, he went into defensive mode instead of looking forward to a great evening. So, he used the phone and instead of communicating with you (not good) and you shut down by not communicating your feelings to him so now you are not resentful and mad.
No one wins here
Learn to talk to each other and let each other know what you want. Neither of you can read each other's minds!!
Best wishes.
I think it was really sweet of him to say that he was looking forward to spending alone time with you. Your response of "why" probably wasn't taken well and his feelings were probably hurt (after he is already feeling bad). Responding with flirtation and sexiness probably would have worked much better.
Did you talk to him? Did you offer to work out with him? Have you said to him what you're telling hundreds of strangers? Or are you stewing and hoping he'll pick up on it? I'm confused why you answered "why?" to his excitement over spending time with you. When my husband says that, I answer "I am, too." Not "why?" You sound angry with him to begin with, suspicious, and maybe you weren't connecting with him as he'd hoped. Perhaps that's why he broke away. Did you act as excited to be with him as he said he was to be with you? Or did your response (both the "why?" and the behavior that followed) kind of put a damper on it all? Just something to think about...
Your response of "why?", to him telling you he was excited was probably a blow to his ego and made him feel defeated. I mean, that was your chance to say something romantic or flirty and get him amped about the night, remembering why he married you, in the first place. Instead, you gave him attitude. Kind of weird.
If DH had given me that response, I can't say I would've still been that excited about the night out. I would feel put off and bummed. That being said... you're a big girl, and you could've politely asked him to put the phone down and taken another opportunity to be flirtatious or get a little dirty with him.
Sounds like you two are totally disconnected. Nothing that a date night or three is going to fix. Maybe some of the 3rd party views of your scenarios will get you thinking about things...
Good luck and I hope you guys get some good alone time soon.
I agree with Beth. He sent a text saying he was excited about tonight and your immediate response is "why"? How sad is that? You should have said, "ME TOO!!!" and then went on to have some sexy text talk with him to get him in the mood to WANT something later. And next time he gets on his cell, just say, hey, none of that during our date time! Just chalk this up as a lesson learned and do better next time. Good luck!
Yikes, you didn't even say. "Why??" in person w a flirty smile on your face??? You didn't say. "Why, should I make sure the bed is fresh and I have somkething pretty to slip into later???? Or "why? Do you want to talk about how we can make sure we do this more often?""
Reading between the lines it sounds like. "Why? We hate each other, and I'm not loooking to spend time w you.
Just like reading between the lines. His game playing means. I so don't want to be here, id rather be bymyself with my cyber friends.
I think u should vent. Empty allbthe bad stuff out and look if there is any good and then open yourself to him trying.
I think he really wanted to spend time with you, and he did. He told you exactly what he was excited about and that's exactly what happened. The problem was your expectations. You didn't ask him what he meant or if your expectations were accurate. You also didn't let him know when you were frustrated about the phone.
Communicate better. He's not a mind reader and neither are you. That's why you didn't enjoy yourself.
He likely shut down at your question of "why", because he figured that you didn't really want to spend time with him.
yeah fb at dinner is annoying. but really you ask "why" when he said he was looking forward to spending time with you. Shouldn't you already know why? Um because he loves you, because you are married. "why" sounds like something my vindictive mother would say to my step dad.
ouch. it's not counseling you need - it's communication. You two are not on the same page about "alone time".
Maybe he was expecting something else from after his text....and he didn't properly communicate to you what he was HOPING for... men can be pretty dumb...sounds like he was trying to start something and it fizzled out.
If it were me? I would have taken the cell phone out of his hands and tell him "**THIS** is what you were excited about?????? Dude. Let me show you MY idea of "alone time"."
TALK WITH HIM!!!! You have every right to be disappointed. But instead of allowing him to play on the cell phone - you should have stood up and said something...not to start a fight but to COMMUNICATE!!
Good luck!!
I cannot believe you are honest enough to tell us that you asked, "Why?"
"put your "bleeping" phone away"
I'm sad for you. It's so hard to find time to spend as a couple when you have children and to have hubby ruin it by playing on his phone is just sad. Sounds like you need to be the one taking charge of everything because he seems clueless about what he should be doing.
I think he was just trying something he heard about or read (to text before the date). He tried to put some effort into making the night special but really fell short of his goal. Maybe you could come up with some ideas together. A sort of recipe for a great date night. Men in general, are not mind readers and have little idea how they are comming off.
Maybe something like this:
1 texting is a good thing before the date. Playing with your phone at any point in the date is a bad thing.
2 a small, personal gift for you is a good thing. Like a single rose or something you like.
3 time together- a meal, playing a game, picking your favorite movie, going to your favorite shop?
4 the date ends with, well, together time! There are a billion other nights to do your routine, this is not that time.
Good luck!
Don't be a wall flower!
Tell him to put down the phone during dinner.
Then seduce that man.
While I find what he did as horribly rude and actually hurtful you cannot be upset with him if you didn't say anything.
I cannot believe how rude people are with their phones, at restaurants, sometimes right in the middle of a conversation, it's astonishing to me. If someone I don't know well does it I just don't spend time with them anymore. If someone I do know well did that (especially my husband) I would say something. Speak up, it isn't right to be mad about something he may not even realize he did.
I completely agree that it is awful that he would send you that text message and then spend your alone time on his cell phone. It would piss me off too.
However, I also think you are wrong that you didn't call him on it. You call out your sister but not your husband?? WHY?! Your husband is not a mind reader. Yes, he may know you don't like people on their phones, but with some guys, I think it has become such a bad habit that they don't realize they are doing it. Please, say something next time...
Your right...he is wrong. Pisses me off too!
That is annoying. That is a rule inour house, but sometimes we need to remind our girls and ourselves. When my hubby did this on one of our dates, I told him that if he was going to be on his phone, I would get on mine. So he put his away.
Couples counseling . . . sounds like there are some miscommunications and differing expectations. Maybe you guys just need a bit of professional, neutral help so that you can both be happy and fulfilled in your relationship.
JMO.
ETA: Oops just re-read your first line where you mentioned counseling! I know it sounds like a "pat" answer but it really could help! Glad you vented too.
Sounds like he did want to spend time with you, but.... the "HOW" to spend quality time with you he wasn't quite sure of!
I hear you 110% about picking your battles, and I think you were right not to pick a battle on this one. What you probably should have done was taken the lead on making sure the time was quality. Whether it be in or out of the bedroom or both, you might have to be the one to demonstrate first hand what you want back.
Both DH & I have been very consumed with work for quite some time now. And often when one of says "alone time" (or quiet time without the kids) it means "stare at the wall and not think or do anything meaningful because my brain just needs to shutdown for a while." And yes, playing a stupid game on my phone fits that category. And sometimes when we've been so consumed with work for an eternity, we find we just stare at each other trying to figure out how to re-connect. Like what can we possibly talk about that's not work or the kids when that's been 110% the focus for months on end.
My advise at this time would be to take the lead. Initiate the conversations, or whatever else it is. He might need the help to assimulate him back into the family unit.
