He Wants What He Wants When HE Wants It! (Urg)

I've used the techniques in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish, with my grandson since he was 2.5 (three successful years, now). I love how they teach parents to emphasize the positive and put less stress on the negative – it really helps kids want to do more of the positive! And I love how they teach parents how to put the child on the problem-solving team.

I've recommended this book to a number of young families in my circle, and get back glowing reports about how effective the methods are, even with a few challenging kids. I hope you'll give it a try.

You praised him for showering and it was all sweet and cuddles, but the goodwill was gone when you found him not dressed yet -- "he got in trouble" and disciplined and firmly told "HE BETTER"

Do you hear the quick jump to a harsh reaction?

I say this as a mother who does this all the time, and it's something I am constantly working on. I often sound meaner and madder than the behavior warrants, and the reactions I get in turn my from kids is anger and snottiness. But it's because MY treatment of them was unfair in the first place. Yes, it's no excuse to backtalk me, and that will be dealt with, but I then also have to take responsibility for my part of the interaction.

I think him having his backpack and not being dressed deserved a "whoa kiddo, you're raring to go but I think you missed some steps..." a gentle reminder of what's to be done. You're forgetting that this is a kindergartner who still needs guidance, he is not doing that out of defiance. It's all quite normal for where he is developmentally, having a hard time waiting, thinking of others first, etc. Aim for more compassion and gentleness (I'm trying to breathe a few times deeply before responding, so I'm not unfairly heated up) and you may find HIS behavior falls in line nicely.

Rather than redirecting, try being proactive and preventing!

Make a visual "list" of what needs to get done in the morning, in the order they need to be completed. If he's off track, tell him to check his list. We use this strategy with ADD/ADHD kids all the time in school. It creates a sense of ownership over the routine and takes the onus off of you to be the "reminder"- it's also a great way to teach your child what helps him be successful!

As for the "needing to be first"- that's pretty developmentally typical. I would suggest rotating who gets to be first each day and put it on a "days of the week" strip that you keep in your car. BEFORE you leave the houes, pull out the strip and remind them of "who" gets to be at the door first.

Think like a Kindergarten teacher... better yet, ask the teacher for some suggestions!

T,
I gotta say...this all sounds pretty typical.
Just now, my 8 yo is starting to get bathed "by himself"!

Krista's suggestion of a checklist is a great idea. The schools usually do this, along with a reward chart, for my son. He has Aspergers/ADHD. It is difficult for him to be flexible, and he doesn't always understand why the world doesn't follow his rules. For example, he almost got in a fight during recess at school because he was trying to play a game that in his mind required the playscape to have no other kids on it. I may have to tell him things like "I understand that you want X, but how will that make other people feel?" or "I know you want X, but it's not possible. Let's do Y instead." I've also read the book "The Explosive Child" to get more ideas on how to deal with his behavior.

Sometimes the kid most like you... is the one we have trouble with... maybe not in this case but take a look at that. My son and I are a lot alike in many ways. Not in all but in a lot. I had to come to terms with that one!
I am forever wondering why people posting questions always leave out age....but I am assuming that your son is under five since he is going to day care? Or... it is summer so maybe not?
Regardless, I have to agree with Katie B, your description of the morning sounded as if you switched your praise to discipline on a dime!
You gave him kudos for being "good" and lets face it... all kids have good and bad in them... believe me when I say I understand... my son started out announcing "I'm a bad boy." And he promptly proved it daily. I would go to parent conferences starting out apologizing.... but one year my son got an amazing teacher who tested him for being gifted...Just the act of someone believing in him... turned him around after that.... It was eye opening for me. He tried harder in school etc... Kids need to feel valued. Regardless of their behavior. Take it from a mom who almost missed that valuable lesson.

This is typical of the age.
My kids used to both want to be first. I decided who would be first. I made everything a game. The first person who had their shoes on, got to do x. The first person to get their coat on and their backpack at the door, got to do y. They need to be taught how to take turns. Today she is going to open the door at preschool. Tomorrow will be your turn. Etc.
You got him his clothes to put on... did you remind him to put them on his body? They need reminders... frequently.... We used to have bath time before bed. We put the next day's clothes out the night before and told them they were to get up, get dressed, make their beds, and put their jammies in the hamper before they came down for breakfast. The beds weren't always perfect. The jammies might have hit the hamper once or twice, but they were learning...
Constant reminders and a lot of humor are what you need.
As for the lint -- that's something he could control. He got it done his way.
So be it.
YMMV
LBC

Based on what you have written here, it all sounds like normal behavior.

My son, who is also a middle child, had some of the same issues too. He always wanted to be first, to be the winner, to have his own way, etc. When he wouldn't get to be first, he would have a temper tantrum. I talked to him about the importance of taking turns and not always being first. Unfortunately, that never seemed to do any good. What seemed to work best for me is that whenever he got upset about not being first, his consequence would be that he would have to be last. I did this every time he had a breakdown about not being first. When he got upset about not winning, his consequence would be a "time out" to calm down and he would not be allowed to not play any win/lose games for a certain length of time. His time in kindergarten also helped. Now, at 6 years old, going into 1st grade, we don't seem to have these issues as often.

My advice to you would be to just to be firm and consistent. You don't have to yell or be mean, just be consistent with what you choose to be the consequence for his actions. Also remember to pick your battles. If it is something, such as the time with the lint, where he is doing the job, just not your way, then let it go. Trust me, having gone through this stage three times, it will pass in time.

Good luck!

I really don't have any advice for you...as I currently have an almost 3 year old that is the most strong willed child I have met. He also has some sensory integration issues that we are dealing with too.
All I can say is that I am currently reading the book - Parenting the Strong-Willed Child (for parents of ages 2-6) by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long. It is supposed to be a five week program to help with better behavior and relationships within your home. I can't say it works yet since I am only on week one, but it is worth a try for me. I'm tired of being frustrated.
GOOD LUCK!

that's the way my nephew used to be at that age. he has outgrown it for the most part. my son also does this sometimes. he's also the same age. kids know how to push your buttons. i'm probably pretty mean cause i don't put up with a whole lot. not where that type of behavior is involved. the "always having to win, i want to do it first all the time". that grates on my nerves like there's no tomorrow :). the other stuff you mentioned, i can be pretty calm about, and make them do what i want by sending him to his room until he will come out and behave. my son is OCD, by the way.

Maybe it's just me but - I think you have very high expectations for a young child. Your preschooler gets a shower on his own, and gets dressed by himself on a regular basis? I realize it takes some reminding, but he does it - that's terrific! Kids this age are very easily distracted and this all sounds totally normal to me for a preschooler. The fact that he can get ready by himself, even with reminding, is a lot.

I know it's frustrating sometimes and I totally sympathize. My suggestion is to pick your battles. And also talk to your son about acceptable ways to express anger (do it sometime when he's not upset). Everyone does get angry sometimes, and he's entitled to feel this emotion. He's not, however, entitled to throw trash and so you could talk with him about ways to cope with anger.

I also really like the suggestion of a checklist of what he needs to do in the morning, if you are upset by having to remind him to keep him on track.

Also, I should qualify that I'm assuming that your son is a preschooler, since you are taking him to daycare. Obviously, if he is 10 years old (for example), then my response would be a bit different...

My first thought was that this young man is looking for attention from you. Is it possible he feels jealous of his little sister?

I also agree with the other posters that said you went from being happy to being mad very quickly. I know mornings are very rough but its amazing what kind of cooperation you can get when your delivery is calm and positive.

I wish you lots of luck!

Hi, T.

I suggest you look up a Narrative Therapist for your son to see what
the issues are.

Google Narrative Therapy so you can obtain a good Narrative Therapist in your area..
Good luck
D.