Having More Children

A lot of men resist having more children then are thrilled when it happens. BUT, it's not worth risking your marriage. I begged for my last 2 children. Things were fine when we had # 3. But when he finally decided we could try for # 4 he really wasn't ready and was only telling me he was because our marriage was on the rocks for other reasons. He felt that he would do that for me and that would make it all better. But then he resented me the whole pregnancy and said a lot of mean things about how our finances would be and how he didn't really want more kids. He was always saying derogatory things about how old we would be when the last one was finally gone. He even insinuated many times that there was something wrong with me the way I felt like I needed to keep popping out babies. I would have gladly had 3 or 4 more. But it was very painful hearing those comments all the time. I almost left him over that! He even said some things after she was born and I was always afraid that she would hear and get a complex. She's only 7 though and it's been a few years since he said anything particularly bad. He loves her like crazy and she really loves her daddy. But I'd never push it again.

Whatever you do, if you value your marriage, don't push things too far. Just talk to him about his reasons. If it's money then you can do something on your own to make things better. I see you are a stay at home mom and you move a lot. That puts quite a bit of stress on the family and changes the types of houses you need to live in. Men are really worriers about money. But if it is only money that's bothering him maybe you can find a way to bring in extra money and put some savings away before too much time passes and then revisit the conversation when he's feeling better about things.

Suzi

I have 9 kids, so having a 3rd kid to me doesn't qualify as a large family (although it seems to by society's standards, which makes me look like a freak show). My 3rd pg was twins, so I went from 2 to 4, so of course there was alot of adjustment there. Costs is somewhat an issue w/ add'l children, but I don't find it as much as you may think. You buy larger pkgs of things, which often time reduces the overall price per ounce, peice etc. You can get 3 kids into most cars, kids can share rooms, you pass clothes down, shop consignment stores etc. Your health insurance premium is the same if you are insuring 2 kids or 9. Logistics of course can sometimes be an issue, but you adapt. You may find yourself overwhelmed initially, but you adapt.

However, your husbands feelings are your biggest hurdle. The only thing I can suggest is talking to him, and finding out his feelings. Why is he wanting to stop at 2? He may even offer some insight you hadn't even considered yet.

You obviously have a stable marriage to have made it ten years, a big step in this day in age. I do not think 3 children constitutes as a "big" family. My daughter is 5, and I desperately want a second child. Once I have that second, I will probably wait several years, and have a third. While it does mean you'll need a bigger car, and possibly a bigger house, but in the grand scheme of things, if you truly want a third child, and can financially care for a third child, give your husband time to think about it, talk it over, and see where it goes. I would not worry about the status quo, three children is completely reasonable and normal. A lot of people below comment on activities, and being here and there all at once, and granted it may be difficult at times, but your 5 year old will be 11 by the time your new one is 5...they won't be in the same activities, and I'm sure with car pooling with other moms, etc, you can work out a normal schedule. I say if a bigger family is what you want, talk to your husband about it seriously, explain your feelings, and try to find out what his true reasoning is behind stopping at two.

Hi K.,

I have 4 children also...16 yrs, 7 yrs, 3 yrs and 14 months. I'm also a home child care provider and watch 4 more. And although my husband is NOT in the military and we don't move very often I still feel the effects of having 4 children, don't get me wrong I wouldn't change it for the world but it does get a little hectic at times but it all works out in the end. So a couple of the things that I can see is financial wise. Just the cost of food is high, I plan out all of our meals for all meals and it runs us about $300.00 a week. Thats not including what we need from walmart like toilet paper and things like this, we will spend about another $130.00 there. Then you have the other things that come into play there are 6 of us in this house so we do about 9 loads of laundry a weel and that doesn't include bedding and blankets or even coats. And then there is the other dounting things like getting dinner on the table and baths given. I am lucky in the fact that I have an older child that can help and fend for him self but even still I have 1 daycare child whose mother works nights so he is here in the evening and there are times he needs a bath because of what we have had for dinner. It might as well be like I have 5 kids somedays.

I think the key to having a large family is a good routine going (you are better off if you can stay home in my opinion). So if your day is structured for meals and times to get up and things like this I think it is possible. But I also think it depends on what type of person you are. Me personally I don't get stressed out over things or over analyze or over think things. Even though I have 4 kids I still have only 2 hands. I think the other thing is good discipline, you know I have 3 younger kids and I don't have any problems with the going to the store with me or anything like that. When we leave to get in the car they get in the car and things like this. I think it's whatever you think you can handle. Just plan on not sitting down until a couple hours later than you do now though. But I also have a house to clean when the daycare leaves and 3 baths to give, spelling words, reading, and home work to do with one, dinner to fix and clean up, I mop and sweep everyday. But it is no different than anyone else that stays home with their kids or works outside of the home. So my advice only you know what you can handle and you only know how often your husband is there now. For example my husband leaves the house at 8:30 am and gets back home about 8:30 pm 5 days a week. So it is on me to get things done and accomplished around the house. Hope this hekps you, W.

I have 4 children and have been married for 10 years as of Nov of this year and I know what it is like to have a big family. Just think about this for a moment. Your kids get older and are in different activities in school. One has this thing going on and another has this going on but they are at the same time etc. Get what I am saying? There are a lot of things to consider. College, are you financially ready for it all? Wait until they start to argue with eachother, then can you handle that? Don't get me wrong I wouldn't change it for the world and I love my kids, but it's a lot of work, time, patience and well if that is what you want go for it!! Good luck, if you have any questions feel free to ask me. I may not have the right answers but I try. I was also in the military too but that was when I had 1 child.

Honestly, being a military family, we understand our husbands/wives are gone more often then they are home, so therefore you'll be the primary care giver. Talk to him about this, and tell him your dream of having a bigger family. See how he feels about having one more, and go from there. He's always working, and/or gone, so again, you'll be the one home alot with them. And if you want this, then you know you'll be able to handle it. If nothing else, tell him you get more taxes at the end of the year!! LOL HAHAHA, no Im kidding, but the best thing I can think of is to talk to him and express what you really feel, and point out that youre ready and willing to take on another child, with or without him home. You also need to think about moving all these babies around alot. So there is so much to think about, its just talking it out thats going to help figure it out.

Dear K.,
As of mom of four, I can say that the hardest transition for me was going from one to two children. Once the third and fourth came, it really didn't seem too overwhelming. Once you add a couple more it all seems to pan out. Kids become friends or work together to help each other alot. We were definately busy with all of the kids and since ours are so close in age, it seems like they are all in the same stages pretty much so we are better prepared how to handle each of those stages. Plus, with the kids so close in age, they "miss" each other when they aren't around each other.

The baby stage is so challenging with the no sleep and constant worry but as they have gotten older now 8,7,5, & 3 years of age, they have all become friends and playmates with each other. Both of my parents came from large families of at least 9-11 kids. I have two brothers that I am very close to and I am the baby of the family. I am sure glad that my parents decided to have just one more. I do have to say that my husband and I are very much family people. We don't go out alot. Most everything we do is as a family but that is the choice we made with having a bigger family. Kids can be expensive, especially when you have more than one in diapers, but with your case, that should not be a problem. Your kids are spaced out very nicely. I guess the only bigger issues we have had as a bigger family is childcare and babysitters. I quit my job to stay home because it did not pay me to work and put four kids into daycare and after school care. My husband works alot of overtime at his job so that we can have the extras and not get behind on our bills and still be able to provide our children with everything they need and a little bit more of their wishes within reason. And now that they are all in school, I have begun to get busy with all of the school activities. But as a mom, that is the fun part of being the MOM. I have looked forward to being there to enjoy all aspects of my kids' lives. Kids enrich our lives with so much that we don't even realize until they start growing up and out of our lives. So, my advice is to look inside of your heart and decide what it is telling you. Saying a prayer to God is a nice way to feel confident about your decision as well! God knows your heart and desires! As far as the military lifestyle, my brother has spent most of his adult life with his family in the military. What's one more child added to the experience? It will still be the same military life! You will just have one more loving person to share it with!!!!!! And if you decide that you two are done with having kids.....accept your decision and move forward with your lives. After Four, my husband and I decided to "be done". Every once and awhile when we see a little baby, both of us melt a little but in the same respect, we feel good about our decision to stop and move forward to the next chapter of our lives and our kids' lives. Peace to all of you in your family! ~ Sincerly, T.

Hi know how it is being in the military, my husband is also in the service and i am a SAHM to five children three boysages 8,5,12mosand two girls 12, 2 we thought we were done at three but i guess someone had other plans I guess the only thing with having five children is the cost of things when we gone on trips and packing for more people but i couldnt see my life with out my children, another thing is since we do move alot and we just have more to move which is fine with me its juts sometimes hard to find a place to live that can fit us all in . other then that I think there is not really a differance from three children just more for me to enjoy. i do how ever have a hard time sometimes when my husband depolys it does get hard with just me to deal with the problems that may come up by myself, But i think no one can really answer this question for you this is something you have to feel in your self if you are ready for a larger family.. just talk with your husband and explain to him why you feel you arent done having children, and why you think that you should discussing having more children..i also notice that soemsay when your out and about its harder if you are by yourself and you may need more hand i have five children all a few years apart and i am always on the go to keep them busy and you will be surpise on how my older ones help out even my five yr olds with his little sister to make sure she stays with us when we are some where busy, since she doest always stay in the stroller, Like i say it just depends on you and how you and your family handle things, we have our good and bad days but our good one always over run the bad ones.

M.

I have three boys and learned many things I had never thought before having kids.

You only have two hands. So if you are out by yourself and things are going bad... What do you do with the 3rd kid? I always told my girlfriends I had to sit on the 3rd so we just stayed home. It was funny, but in reality I wasn't joking. I love my boys, but that 3rd child can be the difference in how you handle many situations.

You have to have three of everything and it's not always easy finding three of any one thing that's a different color or size. Everything is more expensive because by the time it gets to the 3rd child it usually needs replaced.

You have two girls now, but if you have a 3rd child you may end up needing all new things for a boy. That also adds up.

Imagine three different events on the same day at the same time at three different locations. It happened to us this year with all three boys in baseball this past spring. That was a nerve racking 12 weeks, making sure we had them where they needed to be on time. We also have to juggle the time for swimming lessons so that we only make one trip. But they are usually waiting on each other to finish up and they don't wait patiently.

Things that seem reasonable for two kids, can be too expensive for three. Music lessons average 15.00 per 30 minutes. 2 = $30.00 that 3rd child takes it up to 45.00 per week. Imagine three girls in dance! Then imagine having to pay for their recital costumes all at the same time!

As you also said your a military family. A 3rd child will put limitations on housing options and create more packing for a move. You will have to transfer records and schools for 3 children.

And depending on your views for the future and how much you plan to help your children, college currently can run over $100,000.00. Imagine what it will be in 13 years.

A big family works for some. On the other hand, what do you want to be able to provide for your daughters? Your husband may be looking toward the future. It's a lot to think about.