Having Mixed Feelings/ Cold Feet in the Middle of My Divorce

It's not a "shallow note", mentioning that you've only been with him. It's a really important one. You have absolutely noone to compare him to, or a relationship with anyone who is not abusive. You think that if he could have a girlfriend, that maybe he has changed. You are WRONG. He's waiting for later on when he has her convinced that she loves him so that he can treat her the same way he treated you. He has learned NOTHING. You don't seem to understand that people don't stop verbally abusing their loved ones just because they promise that they won't.

What makes you think that he'd be faithful to you if you did move back in with him? He has a girlfriend. Why would he give that up?

You need to stop pining after this abusive man and get into THERAPY and learn how to prevent yourself from picking the same kind of loser the next time around. There are PLENTY of men out there who aren't abusive. If you think that you couldn't find one of them, then you really have a self-confidence problem and you need to remedy that for LOTS of reasons.

When I read your post, I immediately thought of something I read somewhere years ago when I was separated and divorcing my now ex...'I am not divorcing the man I married'. I was divorcing the self centered, abusive person he had become!

What I was grieving, and hoping for, was the dream of what 'might' have been. What could have been. What it was not. :(

Once I wrapped my mind around that, it was easier to move forward.

My ex re married very quickly. His new wife was in denial about his drinking. He is now in end stage liver failure. He will not get a transplant as he is still actively drinking.

Some things do NOT change for the better. They get worse.

I think your feelings are pretty normal...Just bear in mind, 'you are not divorcing the man you married'.

Best!

Please continue the therapy. This is the best thing you can do at this point.

The therapist can help you learn about yourself and how to get through all these feelings. I know they can be odd and frustrating.

When I was separated from my first husband he met "the one". I didn't want him back, at all, I was sooooo done emotionally with him. He wasn't a bad guy either, we just weren't in love. We were sexually attracted but not in love and I got pregnant.

When he moved in with her and her kids I was jealous and it surprised me. I was catty and rude and not a nice person. When we finally filed for divorce it was a bit messy but not bad, mostly he didn't want to pay child support and I was immature and certainly not parent material.

I got custody and his new girlfriend was the best thing that ever happened to our family. She's still the most awesome wonderful person and I am so glad he married her all those years ago.

I had to come to terms on how "I" felt. I was jealous because he was getting his happily ever after without me, "I" should have been the one that got that first. And all that.

It had very little to do with wanting him back. Even if he'd have come to me and said "I made a mistake, I want you back and no one else, please, let's give it a good honest try". I don't think I would have done it. I think deep down I knew we weren't suited or in love that much.

So please keep with the therapy. IF you truly love him and he's really moved on then having the therapist to talk to will help you find a way to overcome the sadness. If you're ready to move on the therapist can also help you to find the strength to go on and find a new life for yourself and your child with just you and them.

This can be such a wonderful time, learning new skills, talking through so many old issues and resolving them, taking time to learn about you.

You've come this far, don't start to re think your decision, think about why you made that decision. They always promise to change, but, the majority of the time they won't keep those promises for long. He just wants to gain control again. He may be the only person you've been with and that's not something most people can say, but, there is somebody out there for you,don't be afraid of dating. You could take the time to decide who YOU are and what YOU want out of life and what you want from a future relationship, what you'll tolerate and what you won't tolerate. Enjoy your freedom and your kids. Explore new possibilities, they are endless ! The old saying rings true ," if you do things the same old way you have always done, you'll get the same result". You have made the best decision for you and your kids, enjoy your new life ! Starting over by yourself is scary in some ways, but, overcome the fear. It'll be ok. Don't stress, think about all the things that got you to this point. Have faith in yourself, it will all work out. Wishing you the Best, C.

I really can't relate, mainly because by the time I asked for a divorce, I had already moved through my cold feet/indecision several times. I didn't give him the ultimatum of 'you work on this with me or I walk' until I was 100% to the point that I did not see an alternative. Either he would meet me halfway (and at that point, after counseling, etc. I knew that was only going to be fantasy) or I would leave for the sake of my own health and well-being.

I will say this-- finding someone better is never guaranteed. You leave because you would *rather be alone for the rest of your life than continue to be with that person*.

Sometimes, it really does sting when some we've told to 'go away' does go away and moves along. I think it's good that you are going to the therapist-- even if he doesn't want to continue at some point, it's a good investment in your future happiness. I think it's good not to move back in unless you are 1,000% sure that you can live with the man you were living with. Remembering that people don't usually change too much over time-- there are peaks where they might change 'for us', but usually, if it's not changes they see the benefit of making *for themselves*, they revert back to the behaviors which were originally problematic. (It's like an addict getting sober-- the only way sobriety works is if they do it for themselves, not for others.. they have to really buy into why it's important to their own well-being and happiness to stop their addictive/destructive behaviors.)

Did either of you do therapy - either separately or together - before you moved out? If you didn't, then I would say that there is a chance that you did act prematurely and should give counseling a chance to work for both of you. If you've done the whole therapy and counseling thing before (like multiple times, over years) and it didn't work then, then maybe you did the right thing.

My husband and I have been contemplating divorce for 7 years, so I go back and forth on this a lot. We've done a lot of therapy though so I know that if we call it quits at some point, we will truly have exhausted all options and I think that I will be less likely to second guess our decision if we can both honestly say that we gave it our all.

So I guess that's the big question - what did you do to try to save this? What did he do to try? Or did he not really take you seriously until you moved out? Is the second chance he's asking you for really a second chance? Or is it a 5th or 7th or 10th chance? Has he done counseling before? Has he tried sincerely to change his behavior before? Has be promised you that he's a new person before? If this is just a continuation of theme that you've been hearing for years, then your decision may have been the right one. But if he didn't really get it before you moved out and has seen the light and really is changing, maybe there is a chance?

At the end of the day, only you know if you can forgive him if he actually has changed. Even if he were everything you wanted him to be, would you want him again? Or are you to a point where no matter what he does, you don't love him and will resent him forever?

A lot of couples do a "trial separation" for exactly this reason. Sometimes it's not until you're apart that you understand how much there is to lose and are motivated to change. That might be the case for your husband. I have a friend who is a divorce mediator and many of her couples end up staying together after they start hashing through the details of separation and divorce and realize that they really don't want to walk away from the whole mess just yet and that they can reconcile.

I think the decision to take a wait and see approach is a wise one. You don't want to see-saw back and forth on this and give your kids false hope, but there's no reason to close the door on your marriage completely. Give yourself and your husband time to learn, grow, change and heal. When I was first contemplating ending my marriage a few years ago, there were two good books that were very helpful - one is called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and the other is called "Walk Out Woman." The second has a very Christian viewpoint but was very enlightening and helpful. You may want to check out those books and see if they give you any clarity.

I wish you the best - I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

Change is really really hard and stressful. Moving from being married and sharing responsibilities with someone else to having to being the one who is in charge of everything is an extreme change. It's natural to have doubts about it. Just remember why you started this process and keep on moving in that direction. You seem like a smart and kind person. You'll find someone who will appreciate that. Just focus on yours3elf and your children and things will fall into place.

I was in the process of dissolving my marriage a few years ago. I had the paper work all filled out and was packing up when I realized I was having concerns about whether or not I would regret my choice. So, I agreed to wait 6 months to file, and during that time we went to counseling. We both had individual sessions every week, as well as a couples session each week. It was a lot of very hard work, but we stayed in counseling for almost a year. It was not until a little over a year that I finally felt confident that I was staying, and I shredded the paperwork for dissolution of marriage. Now, a few years later, I am very thankful I decided to stay. Others have asked me if I might regret the choice if things end up not working out long term, and I say no. A relationship does not have to last forever to have meaning, and even if, in the end, we split, we have all these wonderful memories to carry with us.

If he had not been willing to put in the hard work at counseling, then I would not have stayed. His willingness to work on himself and us is what allowed for me to make the choice to wait and see.