Having Doubts~!!!!

oh honey, I can relate...are you able to trust him? I have had a man like that but I was not right. I would see where he is going, what he is doing and getting some phone records. He caught me and got upset and held it against me. I broke up with him, but I did not have a baby..stay strong now and have faith..I know it would be hard, but are you ready to go back to work?

I actually got into a verbal argument with my husband one morning over an overly vivid dream when I was preggers. I'd talk to him about it.

Hi S.,

Bless you and I am sorry for your thoughts and nightmares. It's good to have instincts and to follow them, and it's better to be able to use them for PREVENTION, i.e. BEFORE you get seriously involved in a relationship with a man. Keep in mind we DO LIVE IN THE DAY of AIDS and STD's so YES, you must protect yourself as your BABY NEEDS YOU!

I'll leave it to everyone else for the advice for your current situation, however, I do want to say one thing that may help you in the long run. You mentioned that you "have had these feeling before with previous guys and have always been right." What does that tell you about yourself? Do you think you attract guys that cannot be trusted to stay monogamous? I would suggest you accept that there is something about YOU that is attracting untrustworthy guys, and therefore something needs to change within YOU to stop it. This is where a trusted, skilled psychologist could help you get in touch with, deal with, and CHANGE whatever it is about YOU that lets these men into your life. I once had a psychic tell me: "You want healthy relationships with men? Then get healthy YOURSELF first." It's got to start with YOU, S.. We attract healthy men when we are healthy ourselves. You deserve better, and so does your baby. Good luck and stay healthy!

S.,

I believe that it is important be honest and communicate with your husband. I know that it is not easy to bring up delicate and difficult subjects such as this, but your hubby would probably react better to you telling him about your dreams and asking him openly rather than spying. I pray you have the courage and strenth to do what you feel is right. Congratulations on having your baby! Whatever happens always enjoy your little sweety.
God Bless,
M. k

I doubt he is cheating on you. All of your attention use to be on him and now it's on the baby. He is probably feeling pretty left out. Talk to him. See if you can get a family member to watch the baby and make some alone time for you two. Show him how important he still is to you. Grown men are just little boys in big bodies. --S.

I am divorce twice as of 2/13, so I speak from experience. You said yourself that you are always right. I say - Always go with your gut!

I went through the same thing while being pregnant and after, and I never questioned my husband, I would wake up at night crying because of a dream I had...Finally it was my husband that came to me and gave me the reassurance I needed but it was after a couple months of self torment. My suggestion is to talk to him about these insecurities- Remind him that you have been hurt in the past and ask if he is having doubts about your relationship and tell him why you are asking. Ask him not to say anything until you have finished what you want to say as this is already a rather hard and embarrasing thing for you to ask or to even say to him-your husband... This is what I wish I had done rather than waiting it out and driving myself crazy, and if it helps ask him to introduce you to some of these women that he has been talking to more so that it can help put your mind at ease... goes hand in hand with the saying, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer".. Hopefully it is just the active imagination at work as was my case! Good luck!

My husband and I do not have any children together yet, but I, too, have the same dreams pretty frequently. I, too, have been hurt by other people that did the same thing. I think it is our body and our mind thinking "it's too good to be true" if we're not being lied to and cheated on. The truth is, you just have to talk to him. It's hard to believe that good guys exist if all we've ever known is dirt-bags. I know my husband would never cheat on me, but when my hormones are raging, I always think something is going on... that might also be the case with you if this has been happening since you got pregnant. Just a thought. GOOD LUCK!!!!!

God gave women gut feelings. I remember being 4 hours away from my husband for a weekend and waking up in the middle of the night with the knowledge that he was doing something that he should not be doing and would break our vows. I was right. My advice is look for evidence, don't jump to conclusions but be strong and stand up for yourself.

I have to agree with the other Mom's- hormones can really make you crazy. I'm pregnant with #2 and I've been having the craziest dreams- and they are very vivid. Sometimes I dream about something bad happening to my husband and leaving me to raise 2 kids by myself or sometimes just random craziness. I think our hormones make us dream of the things we fear the most. Don't think that just because you've had the baby your hormones are back to normal- if anything they may be even worse. Talk to your husband about your fears and about the other women he's been talking to.

Dear S.:
On the one hand, you should know when to trust your gut feeling, they are often right on. On the other hand, it was just a dream - you cannot punish your hubby for what you dream.

If you are upset, you may want to look for evidence for a very short while, but if you don't find anything you should let it go or YOU undermine the relationship (and possibly do him wrong). If you want to be trusted, you also have to trust him. Nobody can give you guarantees, but you can keep a clean conscience yourself.

Regards,
W.

I am a mom of 4 who wishes that I would have listened to my gut a long time ago. The truth is that either you are right, in which case you SHOULD know. Or you are wrong, in which case he should accept your fears as a result of previous relationships and be comfortable in helping you get through your fears. I hope that you find your way....peace.

Of course you want to know if you're right. The truth may hurt, but you get that hurt over with and move on. Living in a lie keeps on hurting.

With the baby just born, your hormones are all over the place. I'd suggest you let things get settled down for a few months. Keep your radar up, though. If you have a gut feeling that he's cheating (esp. if you've always been right on things like that), unfortunately he probably is.

There's an internet program available called something like How to Catch a Cheating Spouse. Look it up on Google (make sure you clear the history on your web browser).

I think when you fail to be honest in a relationship then you have a problem. I would not accuse him.. But think of why you feel this way and what it is you need and what it is you are missing in your relationship and what would make you feel that you have his total devotion. Perhaps expressing that you really need him home on saturday nights, or would really like to have him Check up on your more often.. That you need to be reminded of his feelings for you every day.. :) This your husband, not a previous guy.. Sooo If it's marriage then express your love, express where you want you continued relationship to keep going.. (And pregnant dreams and major bodily changes dooo shake your confidence) Heck I thought someone bombed the trains and where driving armored tanks when through our nieghbor hood .. and I even heard police sirens in the distance when I was 7 months preggers.. That was my pregger paranoia.. But the world is still hear..If you get really suspicious you could try Roula and ryans roses on 104 krbe.. they send "free roses to whoever". not really its a set up. but you still will have to talk to your hubby if he decides to send to you or someone else.. I think it's a harsh way to find out and air laundry..

Hi Santel,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. This is definitely a really hard time for you with your hormones still flucuating all over the place.

I have a few questions for you. First, are you concerned that you are feeling this way due to post pardom depression? (Did I spell that right? :-)) Next, have you asked him about it? If so, have you asked to be included in the relationships/outings with these other femals if he claims it is innocent?

I think by taking a more proactive role you will get closer to the truth. Please keep us informed! It seems you are at the beginning of your journey to the truth.

Kind regards,

Jen

Dreams cannot be a reliable source.

Has his behavior changed? Schedule? Is he acting unusual?

If you suspect he is cheating, you will catch him. Waywardness ALWAYS gets caught.

Don't let him think you think he is cheating, he will just hide more and get REALLY defensive. Just be on the look out.

I had a feeling once that my boyfriend was cheating on me and I didn't say a word to him. I let him lie to me, playing innocent, then I went over to his house one night, peeked into his car & there as another girl's purse in his car.

I was right.

Hi S.,

It seems like there are two possibilities -- one is that the former cheaters damaged your trust so much that now that you have this new and very important bond with a man, it is stirring up all of your fears and mistrust. I know that having a baby and being much more dependent, in a way, on my partner, even thought we'd been together for years, really caused me to be MUCH more distrustful of him, and I did, for a period, think he was either acting out outside the marriage or wanting to. I now believe that was about my insecurity and fear, left over not only from earlier relationships but my parents' divorce.

The other possibility is that he is, like the others, cheating, and if that is the case, maybe you are inadvertently picking men who are untrustworthy in this way. There is a 12 step group in Houston called Co-SA that is for partners of sex addicts. One thing you might do is attend a few Co-SA meetings (your earlier relationships with guys who had serial affairs qualify you for membership) and see what you learn about yourself. My guess is that if there is something about sexually dangerous or chaotic men that attracts you and your husband fits the same pattern, you would get clear on that after several Co-Sa meetings. I think there is at least one weekly meeting at St. John the Divine.

Best wishes!
M.

Going through childbirth is a very difficult thing. Hormones can play with your mind, especially after giving birth. Please take that into account, HOWEVER, don't be naive either. Women do have intuition, and men, unfortunately, do cheat. They sometimes have issues with seeing their wives bodies go through such changes, and they can't handle it. Be strong and be very aware of where he is going, what he is doing and if he is going out without you after work, etc. Keep note of his change in behavior. Utilize what friends you have, who are willing, to help you. Cheating is ugly...you have to be smarter than he is.

Sorry that you are feeling like this, but if you have that gut feeling and if he has changed in anyway then he is probably cheating on you. I just went thur the same thing with my husband. We have only lived in san antonio for 10 months and i just found out that for 6 six months he was talking to several other girls. I though that he was changing due to stress from his new job and school , but you know all the signs where there.I just did not want to see them. Its is very hard, it hurts very much, especialy because the whole time here i was at home taking care of our 3 and 16 month old,in a new city with no friends and he was not more interested in other people then me. Its has been a 2 weeks since i found out, and we are trying to work it out. So good luck to you and if you need some one to talk to,im here.

I went through the same thing, I was really scared and to be honest i even "stalked" my own husband, well to a sense i guess. THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO!! It makes you look crazy and you will really start to believe he is cheating even if he is not. I think if you have strong feelings about it you should address them with him in a non-arguementative way and see how he reacts, You are the only one who can tell if he is lying. It may just be that your body image and you hormones are all out of whack! I remember after my son was born i had nightmares that i dropped him down the stairs and that i smothered him!! It was the most terrifying thing in the world. Just step back and take a look at your marraige with a level head.

PS - just because your feeling were right in the past doesnt mean they are right this time, the fact you have been cheated on in the past may be the reasons for you thinking that about your husband!
hope it helps

You should always trust your instincts.but, i do know that pregnancy can throw your hormones off. When that happens it is common to make those assumptions. doesn't mean its real. has he ever given you a reason to not trust him? does he have a track record for this. Here's an idea. Set him up. someone you know he would like. Get her to make a move and see how he responds. or just have him followed. but, the bottom line is, what are you gonna do when you find out he is? You have to go on either way. sometimes i think not knowing is better. been there sweetheart. its rough.

I have dreams like that all the time. It's part of being a woman. What you should be worried about is if in your waking life you actually FEEL it. If you do then there's a problem. Spy on the bastard I say. Lol

Is it possible that you are feeling insecure because of your current condition? or are you truly seeing it for what it is?
You have every right to feel secure in a relationship and to expect monagamy from your partner. Talk to him about it, but don't just ignore your instincts and bottle up these bad feelings. The real question really is, though, if he is what will you do?
If you are going to stay anyway, because if he gets caught and promises never to do it again he will find a way, then save yourself and your baby the stress and accept it.
But if you feel you deserve better then find out, even hire someone, or get a friend, or do it yourself and find out and nip it in the bud.
Is that wrong or sneaky? Not any worse than what he is already doing to you and his child. If you take his word snd still feel this way it will leak out and gradually create havoc within your family,
I apologize if this is so blunt, but women need to set their boundaries and stop acting like victims and choose to stay and deal or get out and stop creating more drama than is necessary especially for the kids.
Either you stay if he is and accept it, or leave him. The solution is simple, but the pain with either choice is what's difficult. Remember, the child is the one who will ultimately be affected. You cannot control your husbands behavior, but you can control your choices and your child's environment.
If you do give him another chance, that's fine, too, but if he does it again you took that chance and need to make your decision accordingly. It will not be your fault if he does, but you did set yourself up.
Either he will change or not. Are you going to sit around and wait to find out?
Just a quick tip: Men are simple. It is their nature, most of them anyway, and for them they like the immediate pleasure and they decide that, if they get caught, all they have to do is get you to give in. So they suck up all they can, and once things are comfortable again the cycle begins again.
But if you stay and make things uncomfortable then they will use that as an excuse to do it again and blame it on you pushing them away with your lack of trust. Don't get caught in the cycle. Either take another chance with him, or make your decision.

All I have to say is that when that happens is he flirting?

Honey, I am going to take a guess and say that there is a 99.9% chance that this is your HORMONES!
I've had three and honestly with my first I thought the same thing.
Your body just went through a HUGE change and it will be months before your hormones get back to a normal level. This will be even longer if you are breast feeding.
I understand your hesitation due to past experience, but if you don't have any hard evidence and you are going on your dreams and feelings that you should just try and let it go. If you are really upset about it and can't stop thinking about it, talk to your husband. Let him know that yes, you are very emotional right now due to just giving birth, but due to your past experiences with men you have this horrible feeling.
I talked to my husband about it and he was very nice about putting my mind at ease.

Congratulations on your baby boy. How long have you been married? Do you have an open communication relationship? You should talk to him about how you feel. If this is something you've experienced before then maybe it's a pattern in your life about the men you choose. Don't jump to conclusions though. You're hormones could be out of wack and your lack of sleep could be doing you wrong. Life is really fun when you can live with the peace of trusting those you love. If there is no trust you should ask yourself why. Is he giving you reasons? or is this your own insecurity? I don't mean to sound preachy but I would approach it in a way to empower yourself. Talk with him, open communication, if you still feel doubtful then maybe you can go to marriage counseling and get some guidance and advice.

YOu might consider some counseling to help you figure out how to deal with your feelings and how to approach DH if necessary.

Some if his "relationships" w/ other females may have crossed over to not appropriate for a married man-he may not be having s*x, but may have social or emotional ties w/ them that is not healthy for your marriage.

A good counselor can help you sort this out.

(Your dreams are probably a result of your fears, not a "sign" of anything-JMO)

Blessings~C.