Have Difficulty Making Friends

I wish I had a good answer for you, sorry this isn't much help, but I wanted to let you know I can empathize because I'm pretty much in the same position after I moved to Texas and pretty much have been my whole life. I've been told hobbies, but I haven't tried that yet because I haven't had much time to yet. Thinking of you, wishing you the best, and I really feel for you so I hope things get better on that front.

Do you like to read? Join a book club. You will instantly share a bond (a book) with some new women. Try the library for a suggestion or Yahoo Groups.

While it is very important to be a part of your kids school activities, that doesn't equal making friends.

I'm with the others that recommend taking a class or learning a hobby.

I'm an introvert by nature and the acting classes I took when I was a kid really helped get me out of my comfort zone. I'm still an introvert but most who meet or know me may not even realize that. I'm not pretending to be someone else, I'm just more multifauceted than a diamond.

You must break out of your comfort zone. Beyond that, you also need to change the way you talk to yourself and think about yourself. I used to suffer with no self esteem. To esteem means to respect and admire. Think about all of the things about yourself you respect and admire and why wouldn't others and for that matter why don't you. You are certainly worth it. I discovered this for my own self and have never gone back. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

On a side note: saying "Hi" and smiling doesn't necessarily make you warm and welcoming or particularly friendly. People know you care when you show them you care which requires more than a "Hi" and a smile. Learn the art of conversation. Asking about where someone was from or family history and then relating to their story creates a connection and could blossom into a friendship.

I feel the same way, that I'm the last one to be spoken to.

It must be something to do with the way we feel about ourselves? Something we project and not know that we're doing?

Go somewhere else to make friends.

Find a great church (mine is amazing!).

Join the YMCA and take a few classes or go to the gym regularly.

Visit Hobby Lobby and see if they are going to have a scrapbooking or cake decorating class soon.

Put your dog in a training class and meet other dog owners there. Go to the dog park.

There are so many ways to meet other women that DON'T include going to the school. I found that many of the ladies in the school PTA all know one another already, and have for years. They have their own little group...that that group is tight. Many of them have known one another since THEY were in school. Since I'm not originally from here, I figured out pretty quickly that I wouldn't be welcomed with open arms.

Same deal with Boy Scouts. It's very cliquey. Everyone knows one another.

So, yeah...find other ways to meet women that don't include the kids or school.

♥
C. Lee

I can sympathize as I often feel the same way. I seem to relate better to children and the elderly. Aside from my best friend, who is the same age as myself, most of my close friends are anywhere from 10 to 40 years older than me. When at school and church functions I talk to the grandmas. I sometimes feel like I was born into the wrong generation.

Do you show interest in other people? I used to be shy, and one thing that got me out of it was an article I read in something dumb like Glamour magazine, that told me that shy people spend most of the time focusing on themselves, instead of showing real interest in other people.

I suggest that when you are with others, you forget about yourself, and show a real interest in other people. Ask them questions, and find out what makes them unique. You might find that when you focus on others vs. worrying what they think about you, they will like you more.

Not judging you, just assuming you do this.

Volunteering at school is, of course, wonderful and important but it doesn't necessarily help you meet people.
I found I got to know my fellow moms the best by working with them on committees. I worked on all kinds of things over the years, putting together the school yearbook, Parent's Night Out (a huge annual fundraiser) and the Round Up, our annual spring carnival.
You really get to know each other because you are working together, brainstorming ideas, planning time/budgets for events, etc. And you usually meet without the kids around so it can be really nice, fun adult time!
I have made some pretty good friends this way :-)

My advice is to ask questions about the other person, give them a compliment, ask that person's advice.

"That red nailpolish is fantastic. I love a good red!" I said this today to someone, and we had a continued conversation about that. Be genuine and genuinely interested. Ask followups and keep the conversation going.

"You always are so good at xyz. How did you learn that?"

That sort of thing. Most people like talking about themselves, or giving advice! You can strike up a conversation that way and see where it goes.
These points are superficial conversations, but hopefully would lead to bigger conversations and real friendships.

I also agree about getting a hobby, so that you have a good foundation on which to build conversations. Sometimes using our kids' activities as a basis isn't enough.

Also meetup.com to meet people, once you find a group that's a fit.

My boss always wanted his staff to read "How to Win Friends and Influence People." The title sounds shady, but I believe it's a good book (I never got around to reading it, sorry boss). Maybe something to check out.

Make friends with the older woman then!!!! :)

I feel like I could have written this at several points in my life.
I hated the PTA because of the drama, but I did finally find a few real friends who I can count on and be myself with. I just kept putting myself out there with the small talk. I eventually worked up to asking one to walk the block, another to go out to eat. It took time, but it was worth it.

Sometimes a woman meets me and instantly dislikes me. I have to let it go and not dwell on it. It is better to know she is not a potential friend than to waste time on her. It sometimes hurts, but there is nothing I can do to change that.

I'm a "quiet and shy" person, so I will say that just smiling and saying hi isn't going to really break the ice much. My husband is much more social than I am, and he has long conversations with completely random people all the time. I'm always amazed at the stuff he's talked about with people on the plane or at the store....I have no idea how he even gets started talking to these people! I am picking up a few pointers though... :)

I agree with finding something YOU like to do and then meeting other people who like to do the same thing. You get a "built in" reason to talk to people, and you already know you have something in common.

I think people talk to other people that talk to them...if that makes any sense. Do you say anything more than "hi, how are you?" Are you actively engaging them in conversation? If not, they may just be at a loss as to what to say to you. Just as you want people to talk to you, they find it easier to talk to "new" people when they are engaged by someone else. I generally find that people who are quiet/shy wait to be approached when it is much more successful to go out and actively engage people.

Good luck!

I started my own Meet Up Group in my area of town. Go to MeetUp.com and start one. It costs $19 a month. Its a good idea to have a bi-monthly meetup as once a month meetups are too infrequent to get any type of relationship built.

Eight years is way long to have been lonely.

As we age, loneliness is a big social problem.

Hi Mary, I know what you're going through as I go through the same myself. I wish you were in Miami, I'd ask you to hang out and try playdates with your kids and my daughter. I second someone else's suggestion to try meetup.com. I just signed on last weekend and attended one event and had lots of fun, I even had one of the girls ask for my number because she enjoyed my company. Who knew that me, Ms. Awkward and Shy would have someone wanting to spend time with me? I have also signed on to meetups for shyness, so I suggest you look for something like that. There are plenty of groups for moms, people dealing with shyness, and people looking for fun outdoor events, meditation, and other activities throughout Florida. If you don't find a group already started, like someone else suggested, start your own. I am glad for meetup, it's a solution to people like me who have trouble meeting people otherwise in every day life because all I do is work, go home, and take care of my daughter. Good luck, I am sure you will make a friend or 2 in no time :)

Remember this - perception is reality. People PERCEIVE you as distant..that means you have a wall up that others don't want to "penetrate". Looking over your other posts??? You don't seem to WANT other people around...you even admit you have a sign on you that says "don't talk to me"...

Do you look people in the eye?
Do you ASK how they are doing and WAIT for an answer?
Do you invite others over to your home???
You say you smile - have you LOOKED in the mirror to see your smile? Is it genuine? Are your eyes smiling too??

Get to counseling. Find out the root of your self-esteem problems. Find your own self-worth - if you don't love you - how do you expect others to love you? Even like....start by writing EVERY DAY something positive about yourself. Then PORTRAY that...ALLOW others in....yes, you might get hurt. But that is life...

Write a journal. Get your feelings out there and get YOU back. Why do you have low self-esteem? What can you do to change it??? ONLY YOU CAN CHANGE YOURSELF...and you have to do it for YOU - not for anyone else but YOU...

Good luck.

Take a class and meet some people of similar interests. Find a hobby and make friends. Just because you volunteer at school and the ladies don't want to invite you doesn't mean you have to put yourself through all the pain just to "fit in".

Go out and walk around and talk to a few strangers or go get your hair done and meet some people.

Get out and do something and be the first one to speak. Bascially get out of your comfort zone and try. You would be surprised at how many people will respond over the ones that don't.

Have a good holiday season.

the other S.

PS Everyone has something that is interesting about them.

I can relate to your situation. Interestingly, the Tampa Times today featured an article on this very topic. They mentioned two books: MWF seeking BFF and The Friendship Crisis. The first book sounded particularly interesting because it chronicled a woman's quest to do exactly what you want to do.

I'm thinking your child/children are still in elem school so playdates are particularly helpful. Once they get older, you won't really have playdates and parents will tend to just drop off their kids which doesn't leave much time for chatting. I remember doing things like meeting a mom and kid at the park after school or connecting for lunch on half days when my son was this age. My son was very active in Cub Scouts and the parents were required to stay for the meetings. We met at a church so while the kids were in the classrooms, we were in the fellowship hall chatting. We also went on campouts together and that's where we really bonded. I made some great friends there.

I'm a fan of a business etiquette writer named Ann Marie Sabath. I heard her speak once and she told stories about how she would talk to people wherever she was. She would meet with most interesting people this way. It will help with your small talk skills. This was before everyone was always looking at their cell phones, but I do try to do this myself.

In my situation, I know a lot of people, but sometimes don't feel like I'd be included if there was a party or something like that. I'm not really in a circle of friends, and I really miss that. I have a few people I call to get together for lunch. I'm trying to organize girls nights out. So far, the Boy Scout moms have done one and we've done two with the women at my job. I used to do these with a group from my son's school but we have all gone our separate ways. I've also trying to get active in my sorority's alumnae chapter.

I think in the end, you just have to be confident, interested in other people, etc. When you are going somewhere where you will be around people, make sure to read up on the news of the day, wear some interesting piece of jewelry that people will notice, and just be honest. I was at a function recently and just walked up to people and said "I'm new here." I think it helped.