Harsh Words

"Ask the Savior to help you, comfort, strenghen and keep you, He is willing to aid you, He will carry you through"

I would recommend reading the book love and logic or finding a class using this method. It teaches parents ways to talk to their children in various situations. It has really helped calm me down and not talk so harshly and to think before I react.

I don't believe it's too late to break that cycle.I believe it just takes more patients and reminding onces self.I sometimes am too harsh on my 2 yr old.I don't think it stems from my mom, but my sisters dad.In the time they were married things where really bad and we weren't treated kindly at all by him.
Also my daughter is waaaay too smart for someone who is only 2 so sometimes I forget that she in in fact only 2 yrs old instead of older as she seems.

Thank you for asking such a BEAUTIFUL and courageous question, Katherine! I hear parents interacting with their kids is ways that I know are simply automatic for them, because we tend to repeat like tape-recorders what we learned as children about how to be, act, and speak in the world. But I often cringe: with embarrassment for the parent, with distress for the little ones. And until people like you ask whether it has to be that way, one generation after another repeats old patterns, many of which are anything but respectful to our kids.

You can change the pattern any time you choose. It won't become automatic for awhile, but it can, with practice. Four things helped me break generations-old family patterns. The first is awareness – you've already got that (I hope you will thank your friend some day soon). You could assist yourself, perhaps, by leaving a tape-recorder running for an hour during typical parent-child interactive periods, like getting ready to go somewhere. You might be astonished.

The second is education – and the single most life-changing book I ever read was the classic "I'm OK, You're OK." There are lots of parent-supporting books out there that I am sure are helpful, too. Try googling effective parenting; non-violent parenting; parenting advice, understanding children; etc., for resources, including some free online articles and suggestions.

The third is determination. Changes won't happen overnight. But change is always possible. 'Nuff said.

The fourth is practice. Start role-playing. Catch yourself having said something in a way you regret, apologize to your daughter (this will not only increase her respect for you, it will also increase her respect for herself, and by extension, her ability to respect others). Tell her you'd like to "try that again." Run the last few sentences in the form and with the tone you'd like to establish. I would be really surprised if you don't see instant changes in your daughter's tone and attitude.

Fourth-and-a-half: Make it a game. That little light of your life will probably be able to absorb and use new habits more nimbly than you, since you've had about 3 decades of practice being harsher than you'd like. So ask her to help you notice. Ask her to give you a hand signal, rather than interrupt you verbally in the middle of a rant or a nag. I'd suggest that she peek charmingly through parted fingers, or some other somewhat amusing signal. It will be easier for you to take (believe me, your ego will take a few hits, so watch out for the urge to explode with anger).

Good luck, and many blessings. I think you will be happy with your new adventure. Please keep moving toward calm, toward kindness, toward self-control, toward strength. I think every woman has it in her to do this. Parenting is a journey, not a destination.

Hi, Katherine,

My feeling is that it is a learned behavior, and, for that reason, it can be unlearned. This list is really probably meant for spousal relationships, but I think it works for any relationship...

Take care,
S

http://www.shelterfordarkness.com/dadv/basicrights.html

Basic Rights in a Relationship

From The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

The right to live free from accusation and blame

The right to live free of criticism and judgments

The right to have your work and interests spoken of with respect

The right to expect encouragement

The right to live free from emotional and physical threats

The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage

The right to not be called by any name that devalues you

The right to receive good will

The right to receive emotional support

The right to be heard by your mate and responded to with courtesy

The right to have your own viewpoint, even if your mate has another viewpoint

The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real

The right to receive a sincere apology for jokes you find offensive

The right to be respectfully asked, not to be ordered

The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business

Dear KS:

You are not alone. It took me almost 8 years to realize that I cannot undo my parents, in me, just by wanting to. It is a hard pattern to overcome and I am now getting help thru councelling. I highly recommend it, as it is only going to get harder, if not addressed. I wish you and your daughter the best on your journey.

KS -

This has got to be one of the BEST inquiries I've ever responded to - I am SO impressed with you! It is SO difficult for people to fearlessly look at themselves, particularly given such feedback. What your inquiry says in SPADES is that you are incredibly capable! Capable of achieving all the finest things in yourself! Capable of showing your daughter that path toward personal, creative, joyful being-ness! Capable of rising to this challenge.

I encourage you to tell this friend how much you appreciate the fact that she was honest with you, however much it hurt to look at yourself in this way. Just because you've learned a behavior does NOT mean you're limited to living it for the rest of your life! Thank her for helping you 'graduate' to the next, most exciting level! Whether or not she is friend material will take its course - but, for now, your choice to look at yourself in (as Elvis Costello called it) the deep, dark truthful mirror is TREMENDOUS!!!

Do all the digging you need. Call spades spades. And revel in new choices for yourself and your daughter. Those who have encountered your 'harsh' self may try and limit you - reduce you to what you were / what they knew you to be (I think it just boils down to people want to see those they think they know the way they think they know them - it's an addiction in a way I think - like they're more comfortable predicting...knowing what box each person, place or thing goes into in life - than to deal with any upset of their life's apple cart - is a comfort kind of thing). But I encourage you to keep walking! Those who see and love what you are and are becoming will abound - the world is SO much bigger than our neighborhoods, towns, etc. It is downright VAST - and there is no limit to all the wonderful things you are and can become (only the limits you may, yourself, impose).

HURRAH for your friend's harsh words. DOUBLE HURRAH for you for taking them into consideration for your own, personal growth and gain. The more you gain, the more the world benefits - what you are now able to do is offer you and your daughter MORE.

I celebrate your inquiry! Faboo! Super for YOU!
WR,
T. B.

KS...
No, it is not to late to change. Visualize how you wish to act/react to your daughter and then just do it. You can do anything you set your mind to! Your daughter is still very young and if you make your change now she will not even remember you any other way! Best of luck to you mommy! Kudos to you for realizing the pattern and wanting to change it for the better!

K.

Regarding whether or not you can change a pattern, the answer is always yes, but it's up to you to do it. If you really feel that you are going down the same road as your mother and it isn't one that you want to be on, get some help with counseling, but above all, commit to making the change yourself. I think the key to parenting is not trying to be perfect, but trying to learn from mistakes that you have seen others make and avoid them yourself. We are all going to make mistakes as parents, but we also have to learn from our own mistakes and have the courage to change our own behavior. We all turn into our mothers in good ways and bad at some point. The other day my 7-yr-old was (very sweetly) admiring a cake that I was decorating and the words that he used made me stop and stare at him, because I heard not only myself saying those words to him, but my mom saying them to me as a child. Luckily this time it was something good!

Regarding your friend, I would say that sometimes it takes a really good friend to honestly tell you to your face something that you don't want to hear. A less caring "friend" might slowly just fall out of touch. If her friendship is one that you would like to keep, I would suggest taking her out to coffee and thanking her for holding a mirror up in front of your face. Tell her that you want to change, as opposed to turning into your mother, and ask for her help. I would bet that if she sees you really trying to change your behavior, that your friendship will strengthen as a result of this little trial.

Best of luck! Your daughter will thank you for having the courage to make a change, and you'll have a better relationship with her as a result.

There IS opportunity to change it. You are the parent, you have the ablility to change the whole course of your legacy. A 3 year old is only learning from you. You can read books, get counseling, take classes. You can teach people how to treat you- 3 year olds especially.

Start out with the video tapes and books by Cline & Fay, Parenting with LOVE & LOGIC. They have wonderful little stories that aren't difficult to read and even easier to implement. Your local library should have them or your church might even have classes on them.
Make this your New Years resolution to become a better role model, to not become your mother, and to gain more friends.
ps. I like Peg M.'s answer....

Hey Katherine - Sorry about your "friend". I don't know why someone would just drop you like that without talking to you about it first.

I know what you mean about being harsh. I am/was a yeller. If I get upset and frustrated I just lose my patience and yell at the girls. Of course it only makes the situation worse- they melt down into little puddles of tears and I then feel horrible for yelling. I think back 4 years to when my oldest was two, and I cry just thinking about some of the times I yelled at her. She had no capability to fulfill my expectations, and a broken heart when her mommy screamed at her. PLEASE try your hardest to always use kindness toward your child so you don't have the regrets I do!!

You should always teach them to obey and be respectful, but when they are not behaving properly, take a deep breath and be the one in charge of the situation. Use a low, authoritative tone (learned that from SuperNanny - she has GREAT suggestions in her book, by the way) and use whatever form of discipline you've chosen. But don't lose control.

My husband and I try to help each other out in this regard. When one is getting too upset the other steps in to help diffuse the situation - but never contradicting each other in front of the kids. Even just laying a hand on the other and quietly saying something like, "She's only 4, mom/dad." helps.

It's never too late to change. I was disheartened to see my oldest at 4 yelling at her 2 year old sister. But I knew precisely where she got it from!! We've been on the "road to recovery" for over 2 years now, and there is such a difference in our home!! My prayers for patience are being answered a little every day, and I just keep on praying that God will give me more and more.

Blessings on your way.

We all have a bit to learn in this area. It feels helpless and frustrating at times with a little one. I have a very smart and active 2 yr old. I try to tell myself to problem solve in any conflict. Conflict = Growth. I ask myself what do I want and what are my limits. Plus, I listen carefully to my child's clues. A lot of times he is confused about his feelings. I sit with him and guess: Are you mad you can't play with it? Are you sad he left? Can you roll your cars? (no throwing, etc.) Then I model. I feel bummed that it spilled and we have to clean it up. Help me clean it. Doesn't it feel good to do clean up? I also make sure I get three hours off a week. Being a SAHM we don't get a paycheck or kudos, etc. I make time for myself now and it helps. Plus, practice catching yourself in mid statement. "I didn't mean to come across so angry, let me try again." Or mommy needs her time out now. I have a hard time not putting everyone else first so I try to rejuvenate in little ways. Buy a particular food just for myself at the store, etc. Take an extra long shower and time to get ready at least once a week, short ones the rest of the week, etc. You're doing great already just be kind to yourself and then you'll treat your little one a little softer each time.

Hi KS
I am a 54 yr old Grandma of a 1 year old and feel that I have a lot to offer in advice. OR let's say, food for thought.
In my mother's eyes, I felt I could never do the right thing, say the right thing, wear the right thing or be the perfect daughter. My mother was always correcting me, telling what I was doing wrong, and nothing was ever good enough. We always battled. For instance, I was excited about sewing when I was young. I would model the new dress or skirt I had made, being very excited and proud, only to hear the comment, "That's nice, BUT, you need to do this... or you need to do that". It was never an unconditional positive comment. We generally got into an argument and I would be accused of being too sensitive or too defensive. Well, when spears and daggers of words are being shot at you time after time, it becomes your natural state.

This has affected me my entire life until I sought counseling at the ripe old age of 50! I found that I had passed-on an expectation of everyone and everything around me to be perfect. And there is no such thing as perfect! There was a certain way people were to act and think, or they were doing it "wrong" if not done the way I thought is SHOULD be. My world feel apart around 50.

I found The key was in my "expectations" of other people. When you expect perfection from someone, you set yourself up for disappointment. My idea of perfection was if they did it my way. If you are continuously disappointed by someone, it's probably because you feel that they are letting you down and that they are not living up to their potential (according to your set of rules). The fact of the matter is that they are not living up to your "expected" potential. Does this make any sense to you?

I also believe that 80% of a child's sense of worth and sense of security come in the ages between 2-5. Please don't give her the sense that she's not good enough so early in life. Speaking from truth, it's an ugly place to be.

Lighten up and don't expect so much from her. I know that you want your daughter to be the best she can be. Let her explore and be a kid.

I know you love your daughter and please don't take this as criticism.
Blessings,
D.

I,too,was hard because my MOM was and hers and hers....we were just trying to raise our kids to be survivors in a harsh and uncertain world.I am much softer with the grand kids and great grands. I am 80yrs old and have #15 grand child due in Jan. and #18 great-grand child (I think..they keep changing the # on me) due in May. I still do day care to survive and because it's the thing I do best...I notice I am a little hard when they first come to set limits and then soften up. I've had one little boy for 9 years now and others for 1 to 8 yrs. so I must be doing something right; 60yrs experience helps....I also worked in a middle school and high school for 14 years and watched how teachers acted and then drove a bus for 14 years....I don't recommend that!!
Maybe if you could help out in a pre-school of some sort where both of you could attend, you and she could learn some new ways of interacting....
I have a 4yr old now who flat refuses to eat ANY veggies for parents but eats ALL veggies for me...I simply set the desert where it can be seen, but not touched, and when their plate is clean, they get it. If they don't clean their plate they get to watch others eat desert...the strange part is, once they taste the veggie they say "Oh, this is good. I didn't know it was."Kids are sometimes like Mules...first you have to get their attention!!!
One thing I learned at the school....if you speak softly they will shut up and listen...if you try to talk over the din, they will just talk louder and not hear you...it works!!
GOOD LUCK
C. M. Hamlin
Cave Junction, OR

Oh, K.- that must hurt so much- not only to be hurt by a friend - ( yes you certainly should have had '''fair warning''-- no kidding) - but to be ''warned' that your words w/ your baby need to be altered- non of us want to hear that - and all of us need to be aware of what others hear and see) I call her a baby to remind you how VERY short her life has been- --- of COURSE it's not too late- and wouldn't be if she were 13 - but it will be MUCH easier to change now - I promise you can---I absolutely promise -. What will work best for you??? -- Try ''Love and Logic '' books, tapes, available at the library- there are books in this super series that specifically target preschoolers - And what I love best about this series is it will make you laugh.

Many, many blessings,
The longest journey begins with one step

J.
( one ''''warning''' --- so often when people say things like ''I tried that and it didn't work''' - what they mean is it wasnt immediate and required a lot of sweat equity- anything will work if we work consistantly at it - and keep working it -- for a 3 year old - it may take 3 months- but you CAN --- stock up on your favorite rewards for YOU - and reward yourself for every step and bit of progress)

:-)

Hi Katherine,
First, I think you should be commended for your willingness to admit your own shortcomings. That's not an easy thing for most of us to do.

As I read your post, I honestly expected to read that your daughter was a teenager. Most parents do bicker and argue with their teen-aged kids. That's pretty normal. But your daughter is only three. If someone close to you is concerned enough to mention this to you, I really believe you need to step back and look at how you communicate with your daughter. You've taken the first and very important step. Good for you! Now, there are lots of ways to improve the situation. I would suggest that you somehow record your verbal interaction with your daughter. It can be very eye-opening. Use a dictation machine or other small devise that is inconspicuous. Be as natural as you can be. If you are convinced that your tone and attitude are too harsh for dealing with a pre-schooler, then take the next step. Ask your husband to gently and subtlely nudge you when he thinks you're going over the boundaries that you feel are appropriate. You may also ask your friend for her help. I think it was very brave and decent of her to bring this to your attention. I'm thinking that she knows you well enough to know that you don't want to be the kind of mother your own mother was. And you should be proud of yourself for doing what you need to do to avoid repeating your mother's mistakes. A three-year-old is much too young to be "bickering" with any adult, so I hope you will make any adjustments that need to be made for both your sake and hers. Then again, I have a feeling that your friend/Godmother may be using this as a smoke screen. Perhaps there is some other issue that she needs to deal with. I think you seem like a good mother who wants to do the right thing by her daughter. The fact that you put aside your pride and are sincere about changing your parenting style if it helps your little girl speaks volumes about your character. I think your daughter is lucky to have you. Now go give her a hug and tell her how much you love her. And then do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and every day after that. :)

Katherine,

It is never too late to change. Like you I've been trying desperately to change. My dad was pretty abrasive while raising me, and I use that as an example of what NOT to do. My kids are 5 years and 20 months and I try hard to keep in my mind how I would have liked my dad to treat me at those ages.

Remember how you were treated, and how much you hated it, and try to treat your daughter how you wish your mom had treated you. It's a hard road to travel to break the chain, but so very worth it.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

katherine,
You've gotten some wonderful advice already. It must have hurt to hear your friend say such things, but obviously it struck a chord with you. You must be commended for being aware that your harshness with your daughter may stem from how you were raised. That's how it works - you learned how to parent from your parents.

You might consider a bit of counseling to help resolve any underlying issues you have lingering with your own mother. And I would recommend some gentle parenting techniques. The Dr. Sears Discipline book is wonderful. And there are fantastic articles at The Natural Child Projcet: http://www.naturalchild.com/articles/living_with_children....

Good luck with your self-examination. I wish you the best for you and your daughter.
A.

It's NEVER too late, but it's not very easy either! It's time to be more conscious about what you're doing. Read books, talk to other parents. Own up to not being proud of repeating the errors of your upbringing. Ask what others are doing or what they have done. It takes a lot to undo your conditioning, but it's worth every baby step. Good luck. I'm with you--taking on my own shortcomings as a parent. Blessings.

I'm reading a book right now that might really help you. It's really helping me to be more patient with my 3 yr old. It's called Kids,Parents, and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It's helping me to learn to connect more with him instead of argue. It's very easy reading and I really think it would help you change the cycle that you're caught in - and good for you for wanting to change it! It's difficult, but your daughters worth the hard work, right? Good luck to you! D.

K.S.,
Many blessings to you! The first step is always the hardest and you've done so in a very public way.

Your daughter loves you, nothing will change that. What you want as she grows older is her respect. That can't be demanded but earned.

How does your husband parent? Do the two of you agree? Parenting classes, books, counseling are all options to help show you different ways to approach raising your daughter.

Try to stop being harsh on yourself. Unfortunately, we are all creatures of habit, some good and some not so great! You've identified what you want to change and that's the biggest challenge.

It is never too late to try to change and be more compassionate. Family cycles are hard to break but it can be done. Maybe ask your husband to help hold you accountable as he sees you when you are most comfortable..at home.

It's not to late, but break the cycle, easier said than done, but if she isn't even 3 yet, you have time. A childs personality is formed in the first 5 years of life. My mom once told me as a mother you remember all the things you did wrong and never the things you do right, its so true, I would make it your number one priority to stop the bickering and drop the hard shell. You will never regret it.

KS- you bicker with your three year old? About what? You are the mom, what you say goes, it is the LAW (I call it "Mommy's Law"). I can see why your friend would not want to hang out with someone that fights with their young child.
If I am reading your request correctly, it looks like she is not the only friend that has said something to you? You should thank your friend for saying something to you. Sometimes that is the hardest thing about being a friend, is speaking up even when you know something is going to be uncomfortable.
Can you change? Absolutely! You need to remember that you are the adult. What you say goes. You tell her to get down off of something dangerous and she doesn't want to? Look at her and say, "Jane (or whatever her name is), I told you to get down. You may get down by yourself or I will get you down. You have until three. One. Two....I am sorry that you chose not to get down, I will help you. I told you to do something and you did not, you will now go and sit in timeout for 3 minutes." Put her in time out, as many times as she needs it. That means that if she gets up, you put her back. SHe should be there for three minutes (she is 3).
Discipline is different than being harsh. It is our job as parents to make sure that our children are well behaved. If she doesn't want to follow the rules then she gets timeouts to do nothing! She will figure it out.
I often struggle with myself as well. My mom was a young mother (20....30 years ago) and she was not patient at all. I still remember at 3 years old, falling down the stairs with my Easter Basket and all my candies scattering. Did my mom ask me if I was okay, or help pick everything up? Nope, she was mad that I fell and ruined the perfectly displayed basket. I WAS THREE!! Same age as your daughter. She will remember. I find myself taking steps back when I become frustrated, because I know that some things kids remeber can be carried with them for an awful long time, and I don't want my kids to remember "angry mama", I want them to remember "strict, but loving mama!"
Good Luck to you, L.

It is never too late to change.
Happy Transformation!

By no means are you anything like too late to change your tone and patterns with your little one - or anyone else for that matter - people are surprisingly open to accepting positive change. I too realized when my child was about the same age that I had a mirror with me - he always reflected back my tone and mood making me realize that I really had the power to shape my world. If your family is pleasant to one another - real of course, but pleasant about it, than home becomes a place to foster and grow - a nest that one always wants to return to.

One small but important way that my son's daycare helped me do this was instead of shouting "No" when ever he was doing something that was out of bounds or dangerous, I would tell him that that is not a choice and redirect to something, hopefully equally as good or better, that was a choice. Likewise, if he was doing something dangerous, instead of shouting "no", asking "are you safe?" So that they start to think that their actions have an impact on their lives and start to make good choices.

I do hope that helps. I think you are making a hugely positive change just by recognizing that the negative pattern has resurfaced.

Wishing you all the best,
Sarah

My husband and I are prior military, his family is in Montana, mine is in California. We have a 3 year old boy and a two year old girl. Life is busy. I feel that part of what is goin on is the fact that you dont have any help around you. When my sister had her kids, I was always there to reinforce what mom said. I was the cool aunt but always reinforced their mom. With that said. I am very hard on my kids. During laundry, they put their underwear and socks away. We turn off the TV if they are not being productive. Teaching our children responsibility with out family to back us up when needed can be very hard rough and tiring. All I can say is we do what we can, You are not your mom... You may have chosen to use her parenting style at times, what will make it unique is the love the hugs the patience that you show your kids... Its your love and support that should make the difference. We were hardly ever hugged or held, no sign of affection at all, with my kids, as hard as I am, there are always hugs and kisses available, even after time outs!!! I think your doin fine. Good luck to you and Take care

It's never too late to be more compassionate and less hard shelled. If you feel the need for a new beginning, then start with an apology. Talk to your daughter in age appropriate words to see if she feels like you've been too harsh with her. And then try again. Make a note of the times you think you're being too harsh and make a plan to alter your behavior in those moments. Think about what you'd like to do instead. And don't feel too bad. Parents often expect first children to be more grown up than they can be, simply because they have no standard of comparison. It's good that you realized the discrepancy now instead of in her girlhood or teen years. That would be much harder to fix.

Okay so why are you bickering with a three year old?

KS,
From your request, I thought your child was a teen, but find it surprising that she is only 3.

"Bickering" or arguing is normal for any parent of a pre-school aged toddler. They are just learning, and growing and want to be independent, yet they don't have the maturity to understand what's happening with them and how to control themselves.

What I have found by arguing with our youngest in the past is that my expectations were too high for a toddler. I was expecting him to act like an adult, not a child. It took me a while to break the cycle of extreme expectations. It can be done. Today, I still catch myself being "extreme", and then I try to put myself in his shoes so I can change my behavior.

For our son, distraction was a great tool when we would argue. What ever was being challenged, I would put on this happy attitude type of voice (Giselle from Disneys Enchanted 200) or an excited voice and say, "oh my goodness, did you see that?" I would look to the sky or whip my head as if something fast had gone by. If we were in the car, I would pretend a leaf or bug went zooming by the front of the car. He would immediately drop his focus from the arguing topic to the mysterious object that he missed. When he would get upset that he didn't see it, I would say,"oh I'm sorry you missed it. Let's keep an eye out to see if we can spot anymore." This distraction technique worked very well for us. If the situation was in the home and we were arguing about something he wanted, I would say,"I heard your words and I understand that you want a cookie, but we need to have good healthy food before we can have a snack." I do the broken record until the situation calms itself. If this doesn't happen, then I either give a time out for 1 minute per year (In your case 3min) or I take a "mommy time out". I tell him I need a "mommy time out" and I leave the room. Usually he would come find me and all is forgotten.

This still works for me today. I just have to remember that I am the parent, I need to set an example and I need to stay calm in order to control the situation. Sometimes I find it hard to not yell or argue back, but If I try to say things with a smile and talk with a fairy tale voice like Giselle in Enchanted (2007)it works. My last resort is tickling. Our son is terribly ticklish. It doesn't distract him completely from arguing or being angry, but at least he laughs incredibly cute.

I wish you luck with your opportunity to find less arguable ground and please remember that it is not too late to change the situation.

Many blessings to you.

I understand what you are saying about breaking the cycle, my mom is a yeller and my sister and I are the same way. We don't start out that way, but when the kids don't listen our voices get louder and louder.

As far as bickering with your daughter, stop. I also have a three year old daughter and you can break the cycle now. She likes to tell me no, (it's the age of independence)! And she likes to lay on the ground if she doesn't get her way. So I just tell her I am leaving you right where you are and start to walk away. Then she gets up and comes running. I then explain that tantrums are not okay and she can't have everthing she wants.

I also point out when we see a smaller child doing the same sort of thing or crying that they are being bad and that's how she looks when she acts that way. She realizes that it is bad behavior and doesn't do it often. Usually when she is ready for a nap.

I would suggest that you tell your daughter you will talk about it later and she is not allowed to argue with mom. No one wants friends or other parents to see their kids behave badly or talk back. But, if you engage in the bickering you are showing her it is okay to argue with you.

Hope this helps.

I never to late to change your ways. It is very had to break a cycle if that is what you are used to I to am trying to do a lot fo the same things my mother did to us, she whas harsh also, but sometime because we are just so used to it, we still do this. Hang in there and Do try to be more compasionate. You child is still learing.

if you correct her dont do it in front of ur mom a bathroom perhaps

How do you bicker with a three year old? It is a good thing that you are considering your behavior and how it affects others. I can relate to your friend, as I have a sister that speaks inappropriately to her two year old. It is hard to be around. It is important to remember that you are the parent and your child does not have the maturity to make the decisions (or even to argue about them)! However, if you give your daughter choices (either choice being okay with you) then maybe she will feel more in control. Hope this helps! S.

I was expecting to see that this child was a teenager, not a 3 yo. I'm not sure what there is to bicker about? You are the adult, she's the child and bickering about what? I'm not sure if you argue over yes, no, yes, why? Or what? If there is a problem with your daughter, perhaps you need to take her in private. Excuse yourself, take her to the bathroom, porch, etc. and talk calmly to her then disingage after that or she'll argue w/you 4 ever trust me! For example if you were bickerig about eat your sandwich... NO I hate tuna, then excuse yourself from the table and you're lunch is over. BUT I'm still hungry...You have 2 choices, eat your sandwich or you can be excused. Then no matter what she says, do not reply. Walk away and do something else. Harshness is a totally different matter. No it's never to late to become more nurturing to your child. Always speak to her the way you want to be treated, but that doesn't mean she has to like what you told her to do, and you don't have to bring her over to your point of view. Say it and walk away. If she follows you, excuse yourself and put her in time out, or tell your friend you're taking daughter home. The daughter will start to see that fun is over if she doesn't comply. Didn't mean to write a book here LOL but I have 6 kids 1/2 are grown 1/2 are still at home. Smile....

Hi K S,

I'm glad that you want to change. You are doing great just seeing that you have an issue with interactions. We are all trying to do better, be better parents that our own parents were. If you can stop in the heat of the moment, even if it's just once a day, and make a different response than the automatic response it will be a great start.

The book that I loved and that was used in a social worker's training class was "Growing Up Again." It's hard to read if you've had a difficult childhood, but through role playing and examples of different parenting styles, it can give you tons of ideas for changing.

Your friend may have been a little overboard just "dumping" you or breaking up the friendship without discussing the problem first. It's terrible, but maybe in the future you will be able to be friends again. Or maybe she wasn't as close a friend as you had imagined. There are lots of people in the world and you are one of the bright lights as you've got a good handle on what your blemishes are. I hope that you are able to make the changes you want.

Thank you to you and everyone like you who wants to better themselves. I want to follow these examples myself.