Handling Competitive Inlaws/cousins

Oh boy does this all sound so familiar....I just let all the bragging go in one eare and out the other. as far as you helping a preschool Is she jealous? They only control them selves in the end how sad to so anal retebtive over soemthing that won't matter in 5 years....at least not to you... Sucks to be them. People who get this way tend to need to put others down to build their own self esteem back-up. Just let go and show the kids how it is to be normal they need the good example YOU are...

My in-laws are competitive people who talk constatntly about people. I call it the "better than you" complex. I've learned to just ignore it - remember you live your live the way you want, they live the way they want. If they want to talk to the teacher, that's their choice - but it's yours to help if the teacher asks you.

In other words, if you stop caring so much what they think - maybe it will be easier? For me.. I know they are going to talk about me behind my back (since they talk about everyone and I'm not special)... I just try to be the best person *I* can... and leave them to their gossip/controlling/competitive ways..

Good luck.

my niece is 12 weeks younger than my son and it's been a competition from day one.. actually, it was competition when I announced I was pg because they didn't know we were trying! Their daughter does everything first, she's smarter, faster, and will be a rocket scientist some day (in their eyes anyway). Boys are slower at everything, so it's been very frustrating listening to all this knowing how smart my child is and that there is nothing wrong with him (they treat him like there's something wrong since he is wired differently that her).. unfortunately, there's not a whole lot you can do unless you have it out with them and risk family rifts. Just yes them to death and scream in the shower later. We get just as aggravated with them, but they are immature people and we realize this, so we try to back off and as long as the kids aren't affected, they can think whatever they want. good luck..

I was in the same situation luckily they don't live "that" close and we were able to have space for some time. My parents are on our side which made it easier. We actualy had letters exchanged and I ended up just giving them both to my parents because they were so concerned with all she was saying. She got everyone involved by telling them any bit of bad things about me that she could. She even told my Aunt that I had a filthy house so the next time Aunt was over she commented how nice my house was in front of SIL. We both decided to just leave it in the past which was good but after recieving her letter smashing me, I really wanted to let her have it. So it was hard on my part but someone had to be the bigger person if we wanted it to stop.
My suggestion is to ask them flat out what the problems are. That you have been hearing things from other people and wanted to know if it was true. That you didn't think they were the type to talk about you behind your back but more than 1 person has said something so you wanted to go to them directly. Make it completely innocent and DO NOT tell them "they" do anything wrong. Use words like "I feel awful when I hear these thing people are saying." Not "You told ___ that I did _____." Never put the blame on anyone. Make sure you do this with just you, hubby and them. If they freak out then you bring the parents into the picture but all at once. You don't want to give them a chance to talk more or get people on thier "side" either. You must make it seem very innocent and non-threatening.

This is a tough situation that i know very well and have been dealing with my inlaws who live on the next street behind me, for over 23years.. My husbands other relatives like cousins and uncles live on our street as well, 7 families within the block.

My best advise to you to is to try and ignore them for a while, i should have stopped talking to my mil earlier than last summer for a couple of months. The results are incredible, they are much nicer to me and there grandkids.
And they/she my mil minds or trys to mind her own business and not run or try to run my home, the doctors i go to and take my kids to and the list goes on.

I would go right on volunteering in the classroom, they are obviously very jealous of you.

When they ask why you have been ignoring them, be blunt, hope-fully they will stop the backstabbing

good luck to you

You can not change the way people are you can only change the way you react to them. some people relatives or not are insecure and just need to feel better about themselves by cutting other people down. yu amy think of backing off especially in school if you can request a different classroom next year and branch out your friendships so it won't be so intense. good luck K.

Hi M.,
I know what you mean. Family tensions can be so difficult to deal with. It almost feels like no matter what you do, you're not going to win. My hubby and I have dealt with these types of issues with me family, too. I really think the best thing to do is to sit down with them and let them know that you've been hearing things, and that you really want to have a good relationship with them, and would like to just clear the air. I've found that the best approach is to come at it by asking them if you've done something to offend them, and if so, you'd really like them to come to you about it, instead of you having to hear it from other people. If they do have issues that they let you know about, you can let them know that you're sorry that they felt offended, and that that certainly wasn't your intention. This diffuses any defensiveness that they may offer, without you actually saying that you did anything wrong. Once you've done this, I think you've done all you can be expected to do. My husband and I have just found that with certain relatives, we limit the contact we have with them, and we make it a point to never talk about them to other family members or other people, so they have nothing with which to come back and bite us. Beyond that, it's really just biting your tongue sometimes and constantly forgiving, once you've talked with them, because if they don't respond the first time, it's not like they're going to if you try to talk things through again. At least you can say you reached out and tried. Good luck.

This is so sticky, isn't it??? There is not much you can do when they go behind your back to talk to the teacher - the teacher needs to handle this. It's already mid-April, so perhaps you should just finish out the year, but then maybe you can get your child in another class in the future - speak to the teacher or the director of the school. Same thing if they go to the same public school. Parents do this all the time - you can't choose the teacher, but you CAN do things like separate twins or cousins. Don't engage the inlaws with this, just do it with the school. Have you already engaged them in some way to discuss prior episodes and comments they have made in your presence? If others are telling you that the BIL and wife have complaints, then you perhaps should say "I'm sorry if they bothered you with this, but they haven't said anything to us." Then stop discussing it with others saying, "I really can't do anything about this through a third party" or "...unless they speak with us directly." If any complaints occur to your face, you might try saying that you are sorry they are unhappy, and then removing your children from the interactions with the cousins, and going home. This will end the problem one way or another - either they will get the message and stop complaining, or you will at least go home and avoid the stress. The purpose of family get-togethers is to share and enjoy - if it's not pleasant or, even worse, if it is hostile, you need to remove yourselves and your children from that environment. And that is all you should say - "Since this is upsetting you, let's call it a day." Or, "We really want our children to enjoy the time with their cousins, and this criticism upsets them and colors their relationships. So let's get together another time when everyone's feeling better." Then leave. Everyone has to parent their children the way they feel is best, and you can certainly "have it out" with the adults without the children being present - if you think it will do any good. If it won't, then all you can do is leave pleasantly but firmly. Every time. Either their behavior will change, or you will be removed from it. Tell your kids up front that Uncle and Aunt love them but that short visits are best, and that you will visit often but for shorter periods of time. If the criticism is of your children directly, then definitely remove them if there is no justification for it. Tell your relatives to tell YOU if there is a problem and not to discipline your kids. You weren't really specific about the kinds of things they say, so that's why I am suggesting different things. But I can tell you that allowing this to continue after 7 years isn't working!

Hi,

I can relate to your problems of having inlaws too close. These people are seeming negative. I have a similar issue. You can love these people for who they are but realize that they are not the best people for you and your family. With people in your family sometimes the fact that you are related to them is the only thing you have in common. If you weren't related to them you wouldn't even know them because you have nothing in common with them.

It is unfortunate that this has happened. My advice would be to change your self (the only person that you can change), when you find out something they have said you can try to discuss it with them. My sense is that they will not change and generally people who behave in this manner are extremely unhappy people. You can't control that. If you don't want to be just like them you must spend as little time with them as possible. DON'T ADOPT THEIR BEHAVIOR. Just be the best people that you can be. If they don't accept you and your children it is their loss.

This will not be easy but I have found that I am happier. By the way I do have relatives that I am friends with. Perhaps if you would like to be friends with your family you could try a different part of the family to socialize with.

I hope that this helps. :)
L.