Guilt over Working Full Time

If he is anything like my husband, he will have no clue how much slack will need to be picked up or missed.

I notice the families who 'have it all' (working parents and after school activities) have grandparents in the mix. Do you have any relatives close by who can help?

To me they need you home more the older they get. I would look for another part time job. Can't increase present job to three days. How about job sharing. That seems to work well a lot of the time. Two women wanting part time work. However, you do not say what kind of a company you work for.

Get your resume together and look for another PT job. It sure does not sound worth it to me.

Does the guilt ever get any easier? Yes if you choose not to let guilt reign your day. I never suffered guilt in this regard. I worked full time save for maternity leave. It was the right choice for me and for my family.

I've seen others struggle with it. They aren't happy at work because their heart/ mind is with their kids and they aren't happy at home because their heart/ mind is on the job. Try to be content where you happen to be and it can work for you.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I have given up many opportunities to work full time and I almost gave up my PT teaching job when it conflicted with my dd's activity schedule. My family comes first. I don't think you should change your hours and if they are going to fire you for not taking the new schedule, I think you should look elsewhere. 6:30-7:00 is awfully late when kids need dinner, homework help, etc.

Sit down with your husband and go through the finances with a fine-tooth comb. Really and truly figure out the money angle thoroughly - including tax implications. You probably don't have any benefits with this job so you won't be losing them - what would you be gaining by becoming a full time employee? Would it pay retirement benefits? That is something to consider.

Then talk about the schedule with picking up kids and doctor appointments and the like. If you are going to lose your job for not working more hours, what's your employer going to do if you have to take time off for sick kids, etc? You can't fit everything into a Friday.

Then talk about the "picking up of the slack" stuff. Don't let your husband pass it off. Really sit down with him and make a list of what has to get done and how much of it each of you is going to have to contribute. Don't let it just "hang" with you doing it all plus the extra job load.

What you haven't said here is how much he does in the house now. Does he help? Has he? Would he actually be willing to, or would you be stuck doing it alone? What do you really think in your heart?

I will point out that your five year old will be in school and you won't be paying full time daycare for long. After school care, yes. That's not as expensive as full time daycare.

Will you lose your skills if you stop working? That's another consideration. You may very well need to keep those skills up.

Another thought is to look for another part time job in a similar setting. You could always start looking now before you lose your current one. I don't know if you can collect unemployment for a part time job loss, but you should look into that. If your employer pays unemployment on you, that is a benefit you have the right to use, so don't quit your job. Let them lay you off instead.

As far as guilt goes? I think it was in a Monty Python movie that someone said that guilt is like a bag of bricks - you just need to put it down and walk away. If you can do that, you can think more clear-headed about what to do here. You need to be considering the upside for your children of working - not just the downside. They will need to work one day themselves and it is good for them to see that their mom had a job. You are an example for them. However, working for the sole sake of contributing isn't quite enough if in fact you just aren't clearing much money. You have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders with two kids. So that responsibility is contributing.

Honestly, I've read some doozies here on both sides of the coin in regards to working and contributing. From one extreme of someone who makes SO little compared to her husband, but feels like she "HAS" to pay him for fixing her car when it breaks because it's her car, to the other extreme of someone who simply refuses to work because all she wants is to stay home with her child while her husband works two jobs and STILL can't make ends meet. There is a happy medium there and there should be. I will tell you from my 30 plus years of marriage, 15 years of full time work, 15 years of being a SAHM and traveling around the globe in my marriage, that if you allow your husband to think that you don't "contribute" just because you don't work is a MISTAKE. You need to see your own selfworth and make darn sure he sees it too.

Many couples end up supporting the career of one spouse so that it can take off, mostly when a company asks for the spouse to consider relocating. Even without that, sometimes the working spouse is more willing to look for a better job because of only having one salary. If it weren't for the supporting spouse, that big "break" into a higher salary and job might not happen. So never assume that if you don't work, that you don't contribute to his success. That doesn't mean that he gets to come home and put his feet up and not lift a finger with hearth and home. He needs to be invested in family life. It just means that you are worth plenty, whichever route you choose.

I know this has been a long answer. I hope it helps you.

Why are you measuring your "contribution" solely by *monetary income*?

Plus - if you are measuring your contribution by taking the cost you will be making minus full time daycare you are leaving out a TON of expenses of working full time. You will have INCREASES in many areas that you also need to consider when you look at money.

- who will be cooking for your family? When there are dual incomes, typically the expenses for eating out goes way up.
- what will you do for lunch? Is that an expense you have figured in?
- what about gas for your car? figure out the cost of your commute.
- If you aren't getting home until 6:30 or 7.... who will be helping your kids with homework? If they fall behind, you will be looking at tutors etc to help out.

I say this as a mom who has been all kinds of a parent: Stay at home / work from home / work out side the home / married to my daughter's dad / single mom / married to her step-dad....... There is no way in h311 I would take that job with what you describe above. Unless you are unhappy enough working part time that it affects your relationships with your husband and kids and you need to go back to work in order to be fulfilled and happy. If you are going back to work because you feel like you need to contribute financially, then find ways to "save" money first and then get a part time job that fits into your family.

The times that I worked full time (either from home and/or traditional away from home in an office) I never had any guilt.... because I was either a single parent or we needed a second income to eat. There wasn't guilt, because I was the sole provider. Now, when I got divorced I changed fields because I worked a ton of hours and had some travel..... so I changed fields so that I would always be home with my daughter and didn't have 70-80 hour work weeks..... I took a HUGE income hit for that (like reduced my income by about 50%, in addition to the loss of husband's 2nd income, in the divorce).
You can't look at it from the money perspective.... unless you are talking about money that enables your family to survive.

The contribution of a mother is greater than a few hundred bucks left over at the end of the month after you pay for childcare.

Just my $0.02.

I work full-time, but I get home in time to get my kids off the bus. I have an amazing sitter who does the mornings for me, so I can get to work early enough to get off early enough. I would NEVER take a job that required me to work that late (unless that was the only way to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads).

No, I don't think the guilt ever gets easier...but I've been blessed with a flexible schedule and bosses who understand my husband works 2 hours away, so everything falls on me with the kids.

I wouldn't do it. You've been there for 10 years. The boss (unless it's a new one) knows that you have kids, and should know that the hours don't work. If the money is not worth it, the stress will be too much. I would look into finding a different part time job if you enjoy working part time while the kids are at school. Talk to the schools your kids go to. Talk to the parent groups if you belong to any. Pay attention to the places in your neighborhood that may be hiring. Heck, if there's a place you like to shop, or enjoy in general, ASK if they are hiring. You never know.

I am unbelievably lucky that my boss is a divorced dad with full custody. He "gets it". If my kid is sick, I can take time to get him - shorten my lunches to make it up, etc. If your boss doesn't get it and you don't need the money, don't torture yourself.

I don't know if you're computer savy, but if you're on linkedin or facebook, contact your friends/family and let them know what you're looking for as well. You may find something there.

I would have felt guilty if I DIDN'T work full-time, but then again, I was a single parent with erratic child support, and if I didn't work full-time, we didn't eat.
At their ages, they aren't going to be in full-time day care, they're going to be in school. They will only be in day care for a few hours after school.

Tell your boss that you aren't available to work full time. You were hired on part time and that was the position you agreed to. Simple as that.

Nope - doesn't get easier I bet if you have to work such long hours. My FT working guilt has gotten easier bc I work fewer hours than I used to and have more and more flexibility to be there so I have never missed a school event, I still volunteer, go on field trips etc. I understand sometimes mothers have to work FT and miss things and get home late but if there's a choice, no way. I make well above childcare costs but I still wouldn't do it if it meant such late arrivals each evening. Your daughter's homework is going to get more demanding and while some kids manage to do it at aftercare, I'm not sure mine could have and do as well as they're doing if I wasn't there to help. There are times I reteach a math concept and then my older one's got it. And we have time to work on big projects. And my kids actually really love their nanny so don't mind me not being home right after school now as they've gotten older. If yours has some separation anxiety and this means aftercare with lots of other kids and caregivers, it really doesn't seem worth it to me. Sucks as sounds like you've had a great set up but I'd let it go...

I don't know your hourly wage (I'm not asking), but for me, my decision would be based on how easily I could get a job with similar hours & pay.
Longer hours for the same money? Not if I could easily replace that income.

Unfortunatley, some families would depend on both parents working full time. They have no choice.

If this is not your situation, I would suggest, you look for another part time job. It is always harder for the child than to be picked up late and then have to rush home, have parents trying to rush the kids through dinner and then get ready for bed.

Sure it can be done, I was a child of a mom that was divorced and didn't get home until almost 6. after rushing to pick my sister up from daycare, but it would have been great for someone pick us up a little after school let out or right as school let out.

I have recently changed job and my hours are inflexible. It stinks big time and creates major resentment I think. I get so sick of having to apologize or bend over backwards because I have an outside life (aka my family). One problem is I don't get off until a certain time BUT then the rush hour is worse so the time I actually get home is that much later. So let's say I technically get off at 5. Well, I'm not actually walking through my front door until 6 AND that's if there isn't an accident or something else fouling up traffic. The first time I got home at 7 I just about quit on the spot. So, does the guilt get better? I don't have guilt. I have anger and if I could change jobs, I would. But where I am now is where I need to be professionally to grow. Rock, meet hard place.

It's those kinds of things you should consider beyond the black and white of going to full time. If they are being unreasonable over this, what else are they going to be unreasonable over? If you are getting off at 6 or 6:30, what does that really mean in terms of actually arriving at home? What about dinner and cleanup? You have older kids so you have bigger things like homework to factor in also. I get mad because I am missing playtime with my babies. If they were older, this whole thing would be untenable. Good luck.

P.S. You can never get the time back and if that is a pebble in your shoe, it won't magically get better no matter how many pep talks you give yourself.

Get another part time job.
Hopefully with similar pay or better.

Or, work at your kids' school.
That is what I do.
I purposely, CHOSE to work at my kids' school.
So that, *I* have the same calendar/holidays/vacations as them.
I work there part-time and have 2 jobs there.
I am also a SAHM so to speak. And am home with them after school and can take them to school everyday and pick them up.

If you do chose to work full time at your current job, then would you have any benefits??? ie: medical, 401K, etc.?

OF course, your Husband has to... do things and picking up the slack. He should be doing that, even now.

I would not feel guilty. It is the boss's way of eliminating you from the company -- take this or get out!

Find another job that fits your family's dynamics. Mom's have to do what moms have to do. Is there something you can do from home that will make you money? I would try that and start your own business. Soon your kids will be in school full time and you could possibly just pay for after school care. But if they are in activities, you will have to be selective in what because of the cost or work full time and see them when you can.

It's not easy being the full time working mom. I have been there. I have also considered myself the single mom as hubby was active duty and gone a bit during their childhood. I worked as a private contractor overseas sewing stripes and patches on uniforms and made a good living. I was able to be home with the kids and to do something for me at the same time including taking college courses. It was tough but I did it because I wanted to and not because I had to. Granted things would have been tighter had I not worked but it was doable.

Find you sweet spot and go from there. Good luck to you in your decision.

the other S.

If you don't want or need to work extra hours, then don't! Find another part-time job. Getting home at 6:30-7 most nights just seems really late.

hm. working full-time is a necessity for both parents in a lot of families. doesn't make the guilt go away, but there it is. if you gotta, you gotta, and you just carry on in a matter-of-fact manner and don't let guilt sideline you and poison the family.
it's different, though, when there's more of an element of choice. after such a great schedule, it sucks that your boss is not allowing you a say in the matter. for me, it would have to be a pretty substantial financial contribution the family kitty to be worth the obvious sacrifices the family will make.
so the obvious next step is to look for another job, which is of course not 'easy.' part-time jobs with good schedules are hard to find.
i do suggest you start looking. in the meantime, understand that the guilt is natural but that doesn't mean you should wallow in it, apologize for it, or allow the family to add to it. you're doing the best you can, and your husband and kids will have to step up to the plate more until you get it worked out.
a degree of guilt might be inevitable for many working moms, but that doesn't mean it has to cripple you.
khairete
S.

In 10 years, when you have an 18 and 15 year old - what do you think you will have wished you had done? Seriously give that some thought because the answer is different for different people.

For me I would not do it. I would find another part-time job before I would give up that time with my young ones. You won't believe how soon they will be in middle and high school. It goes lightning fast.

But again that's just me. My sons are 19 and 16, and I've been home with them for 10-12 years, and homeschooling for the last seven. But I worked and was in grad school when they were very small, and I STILL regret it!

Good luck with your decision. Do what you think is best for your family.

You both need to sit down and talk realistically. You need to have a list of things he'll have to do each and every day. The kids are old enough they can help too, they can actually earn stuff by doing chores. This teaches them hard work pays off.

I'd work, millions of mom's in America don't have the choice to work or not work and they might feel just as guilty as you do. They still don't have the choice to quit or stay working. They have to go to work each and every day.

You'd be paying after school care only right? Unless school is out for that day then it would be full time.

That's not much as far as child care cost goes. It's just a few bucks per day for after school care, it's the full day's of summer and breaks that add up.

Only you can decide if it's worth it or not. Make some charts and lists then present this to hubby.

BTW, there are lots of other jobs out there. Like working at the school, working at a Jr. College if you have a BA or BS. If you don't have a formal education why not go back to school? Lots of options other than working 40+ hours per week or nothing.

I like the idea of asking your boss about a job share. It's a win-win for everyone.

I work because I have to. I hold the health insurance and with paying full time for daycare for two kids we both have to work. Do I fell guilty, yes, at times, but I also know that when my son had a bowling pin fall on his head, that I could take him to the dr and not worry about it. We have made different choices because we both do work full time. I think I would feel guilty for no health insurace if I did not work.

Only you and your husband can make the decision to do this. Jobs are not easy in these hard times. So I understand why you feel you want to do this. But like I said only you and your husband can decide if it is the right thing for you or if a different job might be better.

Good luck.

We actually just went through a similar situation. I was working part time and would have 2 at home. By the time we would pay daycare for 2 I would actually bring home $200 less than I was. DH wanted me to be happy. We went over our household expenses to see if his income alone would cover it. Write down ALL of your household expenses including if you eat out a lot or a little cushion to put in savings and if his income will cover all then you may want to consider staying home. There may be something you can do at home to bring in a little $. I watch my niece during the day which helps my SIL and us. It's half the price for her and I bring in a little each month. I have loved being able to be at home. It took a little to adjust to it but man I love it.

If you don't have to work full time because of your personal/family needs, then I would not sacrifice your freedom for a paycheck that basically will stay the same. I don't think someone could pay me enough to give up my freedom of being home with my children in our circumstances. It doesn't sound like you really want to do it. So many cons, not really any pros, from what I read in your post. Your children will not be young much longer. They grow up so fast. Don't throw away these years for something you aren't really all that interested in.

I would choose my kids over my job in this situation.

It sounds as if you have a wonderful skill set and great work ethic to be in the same position for 10 years. I think I would first try to compromise with the boss and like someone else said do a job share between you and another part time person.

If that is a no go, see if you can work full time but different hours so it isn't 6 pm, or some sort of work from home to fill up the extra work time, not sure if that is possible.
If there is still no compromise, I would prep my resume and be ready to leave. maybe get unemployment for a bit??
tighten the budget and I bet you could coast for a bit.

There might be something even more wonderful waiting for you.

and I just want to give people one more thing to think about, I feel like it isn't an issue of "contributing" to the household. because I'm sure your parttime job has been a nice monetary perk but it probably isn't actually paying the bills, it' paying for fun stuff. and it probably isn't much a matter of sacrifice as just being more aware of the money, now you can grab a latte or what ever and not think twice because you still have the cushion of this job, but with out it you could prob still afford a latte, but you would need to plan for it and think about your money more.

personally, I think your quality of life would be much much better Not working those late hours they are asking you to work. With another part time job, even if it was a slight pay cut, to be home for your kids and help them in the evenings would be soooo worth it.

Good luck!