Quick background...my oldest daughter is almost six, and was an only child until 8 months ago when her sister was born. I homeschool her through an online school, so she doesn't have a lot of interaction with other kids during the winter...during the summer, there are lots of children in the neighborhood, and of course she has Sunday School and tennis lessons, etc.
She is the sweetest, most thoughtful little girl (I know everyone's daughter is) :) but she really is so sweet, and sensitive, and we have always been very close. When she was an only child, I could literally devote so much of my time to reading to her, playing with her, taking her places, etc.
Now that we have another baby in the house (and this one requires constant supervision since she's been on the go since she was born, nothing like her mellow older sister), it seems like I have no free time for my oldest daughter, and I just feel so terribly, terribly guilty. I miss her like crazy, even though she is right there with me. She plays in her room so her sister won't get into her stuff half the time, and I just miss her and feel soooo guilty.
Of course, the good girl that she is, she absolutely adores her baby sister and plays with her and helps with everything around the house...but it's been eight months since I've been able to sit down and play a board game with her or something like that. We still read books, and of course we do school, but it's just not the same.
I guess I just need someone to say they've felt exactly this way, and that it will get better.
(BTW, my husband does take the baby so I can do school or piano lessons with my older daughter, but generally not for "play" time)
I really appreciate everyone's responses...you've given me some things to think about, especially the someone who mentioned that it is more grief than guilt...I think you are probably right. Thanks for all the encouragement!
Does she take 2 naps/day? I used to use one to go on treadmill, quick shower and pick up and the other nap to play with older child...
My kids are 6 1/2 years apart, so I totally feel ya! They are 3 and 10 now so it's easier, but especially the first 2 years, I was so busy chasing her around that I had 0 time for extras with my oldest.
Thankfully Hubby and his parents and sister did a ton with her throughout this time teaching her to hunt and use a bow, teaching her to cook and etc.
Everyone was so afraid to keep up with Aubrey (the little one) because she is literally the biggest handful that I've ever met! Now that she's older it is far easier, so hang in there and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
My daughter is/was like that once I had my 2nd child. My kids are 4 years apart.
My Daughter is 8 now.
She is amazing.
And I know how you feel and what you mean. I felt like that too, once I had my 2nd child.
I just ALWAYS make time to just talk with my Daughter... and tell her how much she matters to me/us/our family... and before bed, that is 'our' time to just talk about anything... and she likes that night ritual we have. She 'bonds' with me that way, and I with her. And it means a LOT to her... when she and I can just sit or lie down, in the dark in her room... and just talk... about anything. She will just ramble, tell me her ideas, her feelings, her dreams, her problems if any... and it is also my way to gauge her and how she is doing as well. It is very meaningful... just the 2 of us, talking before bed. My daughter say "its our girl time.... just Mommy & me..." and she loves that.
Just have a routine with your daughter, stealing a little time for just her and you... carving out some time just with her... even if it is just 15-20 minutes... but make it a quality time. So she can express herself to you and you to her... and that you are both in touch... with each other... still.
all the best,
Susan
It sounds more like grief than guilt to me. You had a major change and you very understandably miss the way it was. From your description your daughter has adjusted quite well but you're still having difficulty letting go of how it used to be.
I suggest that it might help for you to treat your feelings like grief feelings. Allow yourself to feel sad about what you've lost. Remind yourself that this change had to happen and it's OK. It's working this way. You don't need to feel guilty. You are doing the best that can be done when there is a baby. You cannot go back to the way it was. Let go of the idea that you can spend more time with your daughter. Enjoy your time with her as it is now.
My kids were 10 years apart and I worried about more about the "displacement" thing than my daughter did. It really didn't affect her. She had wanted a baby brother or sister for so long. She was happy.
It doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" kind of thing. There are lots of things you can all do together. But, it wouldn't hurt to let your husband stay home with the little one, or a trusted neighbor or church friend, while you and your daughter go out for ice cream or a cup of hot chocolate and pie at a restaurant. Just the two of you every once in a while. Let her stay up a little later on weekends and have cuddle time with just her when the little one is asleep.
There are lots of things you can do to make sure she knows your love is still solid.
She sounds pretty well adjusted to me. Thank Goodness. Don't guilt yourself over things that aren't outwardly bothereing her. Just find ways to make more time and reconnect with her. It will do you both good.
I've known moms who say they can't pay attention to their babies as much because the older kids freak out about it.
Your daughter isn't doing that. Let her know what a special child and wonderful big sister she has been.
Best wishes.
If it makes you feel better -dont compare your life to how it used to be- compare it to other Mom's with kids those ages. We send our six year olds to school from 8 - 3:30 and when they come home they have to share that short time with siblings ad making dinner and putting little ones to bed. I'm guessing you have lots more time with your daughter then I have with my son (yes school time counts! you are giving her attention and probably a great education!) Try not to feel guilty, you sound like a great Mom (who maybe wants to be a perfect Mom?) AND you've given your daughter a great gift she will enjoy long after her childhood is over - a sibling to share the rest of her life. Your daughter is so very lucky!
I'm not in your situation, but I was just thinking. Is there a way for your SO to take care of the baby for a few hours so you can give the time to your older daughter? Or are you in the position where you can hire a mother's helper or a babysitter to come watch your younger daughter for a few hours. You don't need to leave the younger one if you don't feel comfortable, but just to have someone watch her while you play in the older daughter's room with her.
I homeschooled our baby girl till she went to public high school, so we are very very close. And she was just one, I didn't have any more children after her. So I don't know the guilty feeling you are feeling, but my suggestion would be to maybe get a sitter even once a week for the little one and go spend time - just you and the older one - for a couple hours or whatever. You'll have your girl time, one on one and can get over your guilty feeling. One of my daughters has three children and for awhile there, she and her husband would take one child and have a 'date' with them. Once a month, he would take a child out for quality time and she would do the same. Just one parent and one child. (so each parent got to go out 3 times/mo. and each child got to go out twice a mo.) All of them loved that time...and it wasn't much. Sometimes it was just a meal out or shopping or to the park.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
I think we all feel like that when the second child comes along. Have you tried including her in the care of the baby? Let her help feed, dress, change (get the diaper put in the garbage get the ointment), help with bath time? I always included my older kids in the care of the new baby and they always got along well and I didn't feel guilty at all. If she helps you then you can spend time with her and the new baby both and maybe read a book or play a game. It will get better and easier for you to set aside some time to spend with just her.
I say go ahead and ask hubby to take baby so you can have 1on1 time with your older daughter. She's coming up on puberty soonish, so you really want to keep that connection. Or if you have grandparents close enough to babysit, or even get a babysitter for an hour so you can "do lunch" or nails or whatever. You'll feel better and your daughter will feel special.
It's okay mama. I've been there and felt the same way. I know it seems like you have no time left in any day, but you will at some point. I have 3 kids so I've been through it twice and while it is hard for about the first year you will get into the swing of things. You will learn to juggle your time and find some peace. Keep doing all the great things you are doing and see if you can add even one day a week where it is just you and your older child, even for an hour. Good luck to you and yours!
you should be able to carve out some sort of routine. I had two kids and dont think either of them lacked of my attention. An 8 month old cant take up THAT much time.... ? I'm sure your daughter is getting all she needs from you, she is 8 afterall. You have probably had the time to teach her lots of self soothing skills and sounds like she is doing well on her own. YOU on the other hand sound like you would like to have a clone, haha. I wouldnt feel guilty, your oldest seems very well adjusted and the time she spends helping you raise her little sibling is time well spent and shared with you. Take off your guilt hat and put on your "I'm a great mom" hat.
This will be happening soon in our family. My daughter will be 6 y/o a month after her new sibling is born. The age difference couldn't have been better if planned! She had me all to herself for 5 1/2 long years, and now her new sibling will have a lot of Mommy one on one time too.
Don't feel guilty, your daughter is old enough to understand what's happened and how Mommy is busy a lot now - and is old enough to read or play independently. You can always have her read you and baby a story at night... Maybe if you would consider putting her in regular school - the time you spend with each child will be more balanced.
You're mourning the loss of what it was like with one child and devote yourself. You have a new normal now, and it just takes some getting used to. I went through that. It was hard but we all adjusted, and now can't picture our lives any different.
I have 5 children and I homeschool my 7th grader and my 3rd grader. Our oldest is a freshman in high school. He used to be homeschooled. I also have a 3 1/2 yr old and a 1 yr old at home. I do understand that guilt you are feeling, but remember, your family has changed and I bet if you asked your daughter she wouldn't change a thing. I have one daughter and she absolutely loves the baby. She helps me so much and it brings her joy to be so helpful.
Since we have a large family we take our children out on dates so they can get one on one time with us. My daughter and I do girly things together. We don't get time every week to do this, but they tell us when it's time to go out. It's really nice for us to have that time with them, but in no way are they being neglected! It sounds like you're doing a great job!
I have been here too. My older daughter is the same age and just an angel too. It may be against your belief system but I know my daughter has really embraced her friends at school during the transition from only child to big sister. I love the look on her face when she tells me about what she did at school (previously preschool) each day and how much fun she had with her friends on the bus. If you are really against having her in public/private school, consider some sort of classes outside the home. It will benefit her and make you sooo proud and take away some of the guilt you have for not having all the time in the world for her anymore. After all we are social beings.
