Guilt - Coatesville,PA

I could be wrong, but I really think being selfish is a learned characteristic. I think people grow to be selfish and learn to be selfish by who they are raised by and with. Sharing and doing things for themselves will definitely help. I took care of 5 extremely selfish children for almost a year. If they didn't want to do things for themselves, they simply could not do it. I was not going to help an eight year old get a juice box because he didn't want to get it. If they are capable of doing something, ask them to do it or they won't be able to do it at all.
Keep doing what you are doing and hopefully he will learn not to get that trait =)

He's only 7. I don't think it was out of selfishness that he wouldn't go to the basement. I think if he was truly crying, he was scared. It still amazes me every day at the things that my kids will do (ages 6 and 5) then turn around and tell me something seemingly harmless and even boring scares them. I think it's the age.

Believe me, I get the need for help. I get the frustration when you ask for something and it isn't done. And I also understand about selfish in-laws. But I don't think that this is an example of an opportunity to teach your son about selfishness vs. generous and giving, caring and selfless. That's done with teaching them about sharing toys, giving to people in need, etc.

One thing that helped me was getting everything ready the night before. Perhaps you could do that too?

ETA: I just saw your update. I'm still not sure it is selfishness, but really what it is called is meaningless. If my son dropped his drink because he didn't want to hold it, no drink for him. If he didn't want to get his bathing suit for camp, no swimming.

I agree with action = consequence. I am not saying I am perfect (I cave far too easily and too often just to keep the peace). But I bet if he can't swim at camp or doesn't get a drink just a few times, he'll get over.

I definitely do think it is age appropriate. I also think it is highly frustrating and I am so right there with you on the willfulness.

I am confused. How is your child crying and saying he is too scared to go to the basement selfish on his part?

There are many times my 6 year old is fine to go to the basement himself, but even more often, he is scared and cries saying he doesn't want to go. This is completely normal behavior for this age.

Perhaps you can clarify your question, because I am not seeing any selfishness exhibited by your child whatsoever. He is only 7.

dont feel guilty. we all lose our temper now and then. just apologize and explain to him why it's important that he do his share and help out. and praise him big time when he is giving, helpful, and gracious.

If he came back to me with crocodile tears about not wanting to do something you know he's capable of doing because he's done it before I would have said this, "Oh cut that out right now. I know you can do this because you were just down there a few days ago to get that dinosaur you wanted. Listen to me. If you don't go down there and get your swim trunks for camp, you won't have any swim trunks for camp and when your friends all go swimming YOU won't be able to because you won't have anything to swim in so I'd hurry up if I were you and go get your swim trunks."

If he whines about it and doesn't go at least try to find them, let him go to camp with no swim trunks. Lesson learned. If he goes down and tries to find them but can't because they aren't where you thought they were or he just can't see them, go and help him after you're done with your little one. But he needs to go down and make an effort before you intervene.

If he refuses to get his trunks for camp, take him to camp, tell someone there what went on and make sure he has to sit on the sidelines and watch all the activities but not join in and make sure he's a wear that the reason he has to sit all alone for the whole duration is because he doesn't have his swim trunks. I'd do this so I didn't get a call later from the camp about him not having something he required.

OK...I think what you could try next time (and it's hard, but do-able) is if he doesn't want to get his suit or whatever it is he needs, he doesn't get to participate in that activity. He is definitely old enough to start doing things for himself and not NOT doing them "cause he doesn't feel like it." (that would push me near the edge of my patience too!!!) Start giving consequences for deliberate actions (not things he is truly afraid of or really didn't mean to do.) If he dropped a soda cause he just didn't want to hold it, he cleans it up...of course you can do a good job later when he doesn't see, but he might learn something from it...just a thought.

Keep in mind that he's at an age that he wants to see exactly what he can do & get away with & just how mad you might get, & even if you will still love him if he's naughty. So, deep breaths, mama...you can get thru this & you will have a great lil man no matter what!

Hi, J.:

So you are feeling guilt about your behavior?
That is a good sign that something you have done is making
you reflective on your inappropriate behavior towards your son.

Let's look at the situation and your thinking.

You needed help getting ready for the day. You had tapes already playing in your head.

1. Husband and his family are on the selfish side.
2. You don't want your children to grow up selfish so you
lost patience with your child because you presume he was being selfish because he didn't get the swimming trunks.
3. You give too much and you feel you are being taken advantage of.

First of all, it is good to be selfish.
Second of all, it appears from what you have
written, you are not being selfish enough to get your needs met.

Why would you be angry about anyone getting their needs met? The child pushed past his fear to get the dino. He couldn't push past his fear to get the trunks because evidently, he didn't want to go swimming. That was clue for you to ask about his swimming experience. How he likes to go swimming, what ever questions you can think of.

He didn't have to get the swimming trunks right then. You could have finished what you were doing with the other child and gone with him.

The deeper issue is selfishness that you believe the child was demonstrating from your own preconceived ideas.

It is good that you wrote.
Ask for what you need from your husband.
Become more focused on your needs and let others
wait for you, after all you are the mother.
Good luck.
Hope this helps.
D.

.

I doubt his decision to not help out was genetic or influenced by your husband or his family. I have a seven year old who I am battling with constantly. It's not even your parenting. I think it's the age. I also think our children need to be held accountable for their actions and we can't make excuses for them. I'm always trying to figure out why my son does the things he does and then I realize it was his choice. I try to handle each situation as it comes. I've been very impatient with my 7 year old son also because I know that he is capable of so much more as well. Hang in there, be calm, and just take it day by day. He'll grow to appreciate your constant care and discipline over time.

You need to set up a action = consequence sequence for him. The consequence of not holding his drink is he doesn't get it. the consequence of not getting his swimsuit is a no brainer. he doesn't get to swim. he will catch on very quickly. you can tie in lots of things that are in fact privilidges. and make sure he understands the system. set him down with a chart and say these are your jobs..... these are the things you get because you do those jobs.....

now having said that. You are ultimately responsible for his clothing. if its not ready you can't be angry at him for being scared to go down lol

I'm there right now with my 8yr old daughter.

I've thrown out things (or made it look like I did anyhow) just because she does things like this. It's frustrating, but I started just taking it all away when she cops an attitude like you're describing. Then, the next time she asks for something, I remind her of the previous episodes and explain that this is exactly why she won't be getting what she requested.

I haven't read the other responses. But oh I would be so mad if a child dropped their drink because he didn't want to hold it! GEEEEEZ... Selfishness is the root of all problems as I can see it. I agree with you. I don't have any good ideas because I'm struggling with my 11 year old and my whole family seems to be bitten by the selfish bug.

I wouldn't call what you describe as selfish, think of it more as lazy. Although you may get frustrated, try to take a nonchalant approach and let him be accountable for his actions as other moms suggested. If he doesn't care, why should you (even though you really do). Maybe a reverse psychology would work. Who knows.