Guiding My Daughter in Picking the Right Friends

I have found a really good book that deals with this topic. It is Queen Bees & Wannabes. The author is Rosalind Wiseman.

I agree with the girl living with you, it is near to impossible to switch social groups at this point. You many could try volunteer work with other teens so she can meet new people or a club.

Good luck,
D.

L.:
I would have to ask several questions before attemting to advise you on this one. As the mother of two teenagers who both went to MHHS, it sounds to me like this girl has the idea that she can just "change" when things are not going her way. You really need to find out what is happening with her group of "friends". I'm sorry, but it sounds a little wierd to me. If there is an issue like bullying or drugs/alcohol, then perhaps she SHOULD change schools, but I believe that we become stronger by working through the problems,not running from them. You need to get her to trust you enough to really talk. Good Luck!
-K.-

Having a 16 year old myself, I understand. I am a 47 yr old mom who was divorced two years ago, after 25yrs of marriage. I have found that with my 16 year old, I have made our new house be the place that the kids want to be. We have music, a foosball table, computer and TV games. She can bring over anyone she wants, pretty much whenever. This has helped her expand her circle of friends. She has opportunities to socialize with boys and girls from many different circles. Good luck!

Have you tried your local church? I'm sure some of those people go to church. Your daughter might be going through an identity crisis...she's at that age. Don't give into her because she needs to know "HOW" to deal with change. If you keep moving her because of certain situations, she will forever run from her problems. She might need some counseling & TRY to see where she's really coming from because something has transpired. It might not be serious but get some outside help if you have too. Good luck & be BLESSED!

I have the same problem (or related problem) with my 14 yr and also had with my now 19 yr when he was in school. The added problem that we have here is that I live in rurual town so you have limited clicks (though there is still pretty much similar ones as everywhere else) and also higher drug/alcohol problems. The only thing that you can do is help her understand that "you have to do what you can with what you got". That in life you can't just up and move the playing field everytime you have a tough time with things or don't like the game. To up and move just so that your daughter can meet new friends sends a very negative message out regarding dealing with things in life. I am sure that there is a groups that she can get into even if it maybe harder...but anything worth having or doing never comes easy. She may be ticked at you but in long run she will thank you for this.

Hi L.,

We took in my neice and raised her throughout her highschool years (she is now 19). She came with a lot of problems and making friends - good friends - is always difficult. Instead of transferring your teenager, I highly recommend getting her involved in various extra-curricular activities that would give her opportunities to meet new people, i.e. a church youth group or a job. Once my neice began working, which she did when she turned 16 at a restaurant, she gained a new sense of self-worth and made a lot of new friends.

Sometimes the greatest changes takes a little work. I remember going through that when I was in high school I graduated in 2001. I ended up just being me. And gradually my friends all changed. I started wearing what I wanted to wear, and started not seeking out my old friends, and just talking to all types of new ones. I would think it would be more damaging if she just ran away from old problems, and just show her that some things are just worth working on. In the end I realized by me being me was enough to have a change of friends. My old friends became unacquaintences and my new ones have stayed great friends this whole time.

Hope this helps

FIRST, IT IS THE IMPORTANT ISSUE THAT SHE BE WITH FRIENDS
THAT WILL NOT LEAD HER INTO UNHEALTHY WAYS TO LIVE HER
LIFE.........AND SHE IS AT THIS IMPRESSABLE AGE. IF YOU
HAD TO DRIVE HER TO WHEREVER, IT WOULD BE BETTER THAN
COPING WITH THE ALTERNATIVE.

I GATHER THE COMMUNICATION BETWEEN YOU AND SHE IS NOT TOO
OPEN. YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO HER, AND
THIS TAKES EFFORT AND QUALITY TIME. THERE ARE MANY THINGS
I COULD WRITE, BUT I WOULD PREFER TO TALK IT.

AS A PRACTICING PSYCHOLOGIST, I CAN GIVE YOU SOME OPTIONS
TO TRY, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO TALK WITH ME, I WILL GIVE
YOU MY E MAIL: ____@____.com TELE: ###-###-####
IF YOU WANT TO TALK, SEND ME AN E MAIL TELLING ME YOUR
TELEPHONE # THE BEST TIME TO CALL YOU, AND I WILL CALL
YOU ON MY PHONE AT NO COST TO YOU. MY INTENTIONS ARE NOT
TO SOLICIT A CLIENT. MY PURPOSE: TO GIVE YOU SOME INFO
RE: WHAT YOUR OPTIONS ARE TO RESOLVE THE ISSUE.
MY BEST, N. J ANDREW, PhD

Hi! I’d like to recommend a book to you. It’s called Queen Bees & Wannabes and is written by Rosalind Wiseman. You should be able to find it at the library. I was so pleased with it that I bought my own copy for easy reference. She does a WONDERFUL job of explaining the social world of a teenager (I’m 30 something and was amazed at how much of it I’d forgotten!). It helps you understand her world so that you can better help her navigate these tricky years. She also has VERY good advice for connecting with and improving your relationship. She warns you of “landmines” that you might inadvertently use in your conversation that might alienate your daughter and suggests other ways of expressing yourself in that situation. I really can’t say enough good things about this book! Like I said, you should be able to find it at the library (it’s about $15.00 from a book store). Good luck!

I agree with Mary R and very surprised that moe of you did not mention church, do you attend a church ? Does the church have a youth group that she can get involved with,missions, etc. something to help her see her purpose in life, activities outside the school setting can be very helpful

When I was 16 I asked my mom if I could change schools. She took me to the neighboring towns to visit the schools. I decided to stay where I was at, by 17 I was pregnant and still with the wrong crowd. It is very hard to get away from your "friends" at school to find new ones. Not only will she be picked on by the freinds she has now but the other kids already know her by the friends she has now and may not want to let her in their group. My advice to you is if she is asking to move schools to better herself she is telling you that for a reason. I would do what it takes to help her change her life.

R.

Ask her why and see if she can give you some specific reasons. Teenage girls can be very manipulative to get what they want. I don't know her so I am not sure, but my experience working with teens and having been one, is that this is possible. You want to be sure that it is not a major issue that needs to be dealt with.
It could also be a good lesson to learn how to make this change. In life you shouldn't just change schools, jobs, churches...just to change your friends because what will happen next year when she wants new friends? Will you change schools again.
Ideas for changing friends. Have her pick one that she would like to be friends with. Do they have any classes together? Can they study together? If she talks to her in class and begins to build a relationship (sometimes at this age takes time). This is a hard life lesson to learn, "to take the first step, be out of your comfort zone, build relationship, and possible rejection" YOu have decide where and when you want her to learn this lesson. Now, when you can support her and encourage her, or as an adult where you may not be so readily acceptable. If she can take the first steps at school then she could have her over to hang out, go to a movie together, shopping. Birthday party? She cannot just join a group, she needs to be friendly to one person and build on that first.
Another way is an outside activity to get invovled in whether it is affiliated with the school, or somewhere else. Maybe a youth group in a church or something else she amy enjoy. (choirs, band, art class, teen exercise class, pottery class, sports....wherever her interests may lie...)
FYI: I would not rule out changing schools completely, I would just try working it out in different ways first. Work with her, don't tell her to deal with it. Help her talk it out by listening, really hear what she is saying.

Perhaps you could invite her current friends over(both current and potential-if she were to change schools)and get your own opinion of them. Be sure that her judgement is a good one and make sure there isn't another situation going on that you're not hearing about. Check with her teachers and get their opinions on her friends and how she does at school. You can't help her "get" friends. I have often found that in this situation there is often something else going on.

L.,
oh gosh, I just about died laughing when I read about you being a menopausal women living with a teenager! I'm still laughing. I am that women also, but my teen is a boy. I sweat so bad and my moods are so horrible its just, well, lets just say, words cannot express the real true feelings of memopause esp. when dealing with a teen. May god bless you and guide you. I think that changing to a new group is a little strange to be asking at this time? I think she needs to elaborate more on why she needs to leave an old group, if there is a problem, it will only follow her. get more info. if she was an employee at work, would she just quit? Does she need to learn how to deal with certain kinds of people? get more info. good luck on your quest, and I hope your mentalpause lets up. Thats what my husband calls it and my son.
D. e.

L.,
Since when did out children get to pick and choose the school they go to until they go to college?
If you take her to another school in a nearby town, you might be faced with tuition charges.
Do you know these "friends" that she wants to go to school with? How does she know these kids if they are in another town and another school? If it's, "too difficult" to change groups, why does she want to go to yet another school?
Is this girl a family member? eg., a niece perhaps? Is she a problem child? What do her parents think about her changing schools just to be with another group? You are good enough to let her stay in your home, so, my opinion is that she be good enough not ask you to transport her to another town to go to school.
Perhaps you should go and speak with her counselor at the current school to get to the real root of the problem. Is she not making friends at the current school? Is she causing problems at the current school? The counselor is there to guide this girl, and if she is experiencing problems, she can help her. I never knew that school was a place to go just to be with friends. It's for students to get an education. I'll bet if you get to the root of her problems, she will be happy to stay where she is.
Good luck, and God's blessings to both of you.

Sorry, L., I feel for your daughter. Not sure if you were meaning to inject humor in your query, but saying "I have a 16 yr. old girl living with me" sounds like Mommy Dearest to me.

If we as mothers cannot relate to our own daughters, how can we expect them to grow up into mature women with a good head on their shoulders?

If she is a step daughter, where is Dad in the picture? Can he sit down with her and make a decision? Can he help in the transportation?

If she is your biological daughter, can you honestly sit down with her and find out the underlying agenda she truly has for wanting to change schools?

Good luck to you both.

I would have her join a club or sport that those kids that she wants to b friends with are in. Then she wont have time for the others but she will for hre new friends. hth C.