Guardianship Issue

I would keep looking... definitely find someone who will be willing to raise your child. My Sister and her husband were killed in a wreck, and his (her husband's) sister was listed as the guardian... but she refused to take the children. So they came to live with me instead. BUT... if no one had been willing to take them, they would have wound up in foster care. Not the best environment!

Maybe you can join a mother's group, and form a friendship with someone. Of course, it will be years before you could possibly become close enough to trust someone with your child's life... BUT it's a start... Plus, maybe your son will make a new friend too. :)

Moms who have read my previous posts might have picked up that my advice for almost anything is always the same .... trust your instincts! Whatever you do, do not allow anyone to pressure you into anything!! I wouldn't have wanted my kids to be raised by ANYONE in my family other than my one aunt! If it makes it easier, just tell them you have changed the Will but leave it as it is. My rationale is simple, if you don't die nobody reads your Will and if you do, your Will is not something they can argue with! Good luck, no matter what you decide!

I would talk to your friend again and see if she is still willing to take on that role if something should happen. I believe you are right to not want your sister and her husband to raise your son. Your mommy instincts are there for a reason and I would follow them. No matter what your family says, this is entirely your decision and you should never feel pressured to do something you don't feel right about for any reason. You have to put yourself in the mindframe of who you would be willing to let him go to if something happened tomorrow. You have to feel really secure and confident in your decision. If your friend is still willing and you still want her,then leave things as they are. If not, take an inventory of everyone in your lives and write out pros and cons for those you would consider. You are doing a really good thing for your son as a mom on your own, and doing what you can to make sure everything for him is taken care of.

Is your mother capable of being appointed guardian? Maybe name her in the will until you make a final decision? From your other posts it looks like your son is still very little. Can you imagine how he would feel being sent to live with a woman that he doesn't know, and who you freely admit was "reluctant" to take him if the need arose? Even if she is capable, your son would be taken from everyone and everything he has ever known. It sounds like you and your sister need to sit down and have a serious discussion about his guardianship. It's always best for children to remain with family. Good luck with your surgery.

For peace of mind - can you contact your friend and see if she is still willing to take your child in the event of your death? If she is, and you are comfortable with it, leave your will as it is.

If she is not, then you will have to cast your net for other guardians. Another close friend, church member, clergy (married pastor), etc.

You could also talk to your sister about your reservations of her being guardian of your child. An open, honest, clear headed discussion for her to answer parenting questions, explain why she wants to raise your son, etc.

I understand your concern. I am a single mother and do not want my son to be raised by his father -who is marginally involved in his life. My will "leaves" him to my Aunt and her married daughter, my cousin. While not ideal, as it has him living with my cousin, and I prefer he live with my Aunt, but she is almost 70 and does not want the day-to-day angst of raising of a teen (heck, who does!), at almost 15, he aware of the arrangements and comfortable with them.

Which leads me to another question - how old is your child? Can you have a playful conversation with your child about who he would want to live with? Excluding Santa and the Easter Bunny, it may be an "Ahah" moment for you.

Ultimately, you have to do what you gives you most peace of mind and what you feel is best for your child. Other people's wishes and feelings really don't figure into it.

God Bless

You don't say how old your son is, but if he's an older child (7 or 8) you could consider having your mother as his guardian. Raising a young child may be more challenging depending on your mother's age and health.

The other thing to keep in mind here is your son and who he is familiar with... even is she isn't a great parent... your sister is a good aunty and your son knows her and may be comforted by living with someone who not only knows "him", but who knows and loves "you". Having your sister as his guardian would also likely mean that he wouldn't have to move far away and leave his friends, home, grandmother, aunt and everything else that he is familiar with while also dealing with the death of his mother.

Ask yourself whether or not you would want your son to be completely uprooted and moved b/c you don't think your sister could handle parenting. You could have your sister and BIL as the "guardians" with your mother or another friend/cousin as the "back ups". Our children have "physical guardians" and "fiscal guardians" b/c while my sister and BIL are wonderful parents and would love my son unconditionally- they are terrible with money. My cousin... not a parent, but a finacial advisor will be "in charge" of my children's finances should something happen to us.

Talk with a lawyer on this one b/c they may be able to write paperwork that would indicate "who" your son should go to if your sister is deemed unable to parent by a third party.

This is a hard one for any parent, particularly a single one, and I respect you for asking for advice.

As Kathie K. said, the state would legally have to try and locate your son's biological father to see if he wished to have custody. If he chose not to take custody also know that the court is not bound by your selection, but they would take it into consideration. The court's responsibility would be to determine what is in your son's best interest.

You didn't mention if your son has a good relationship with your mother, but if he does have you thought of naming her as a potential guardian? It doesn't need to be a couple. After talking with whomever you choose, to make sure they would be willing to take on such a responsibility, see an attorney. This is one of those things that has to be done properly so as not to be thrown out of court if it ever ends up there.

Best wishes and prayers for an uneventful surgery and a speedy, uncomplicated recovery, J..

Hey J.,
We can relate. My husband and I decided that we would not want either of our families to raise our son should anything happen to us. So, we chose extended family and very close friends for our family trust. My husband and I feel confident that our little guy would be well cared for and loved with the people we picked.
So, my suggestion would be to look carefully at friends, extended family, and even people you attend church (or extracurricular activities) with. Find people that share you values and that you feel would be most like you.

It is always a good idea to have a current will/POA, especially related to guardianship of your child. If you aren't comfortable with your mom or sister (or the friend you previously picked) raising your child, you should still update your will and list the person you want to raise them. All you have to tell your family is that your will has been updated and it's taken care of. (Make sure that someone has a copy and knows where the original is.)
You are wise taking care of this!

Hi Jacqui, don't worry, all parents think about this stuff from time to time. My husband and I recently changed our will and it was so hard to make decisions on who would raise our daughter! We also do NOT want our sisters/brothers taking care of her for several reasons and instead opted for other relatives or friends of the family. You need to trust your instincts on this and know that just because you are related to someone does not mean you are required to think of them as good parents or appropriate guardians for your child. If it were me, I would be to stick with the friend you have listed (because even if you aren't still close like you were, you still respect her values). But really, you can't listen to anybody but yourself on this! You will do what is right for you in the end and don't let your family change your mind for you because you know what is best for your family.

Things go happen. People do die. Our family had such a situation with
little kids.; No solution if perfect .
Why not put down that your child will live with your mother, but that your
sister and brother-in-law have the legal responsibilities and the rest peacefully
and live for another 60years.

Hello, If you really don't want your child to go to his Aunt and Uncle, you need to make a decision about his custody in case of your death. However, the state will also require that the father be located and have the chance to take custody. They always prefer the biological parents over anyone else. Also, if he is not interested, they will try to place this child with family.
Good luck with this and with your precious baby.
K. K.

To be honest death can happen at any time. Not just during a surgery. I think planning ahead for the possible crisis is a good thing at any time. In college my roommate was a really cool guy. He got a really good job after graduating and he traveled all over the USA closing Savings and Loans. He made a new will, or revised his, each and every time he was scheduled to fly.

As for a child, I would start developing some friendships that would give more options. Your old friend didn't sound really interested. I would write that off if you are really not that close anymore. A lot can happen to a person even in a short time to change their perspectives and life styles.

You could go to some Parents without Partners activities, find a new church home or other group that has similar morals, traditions, and spiritual beliefs, perhaps meet with some people in your community that do service projects like Big Brothers/Big Sisters, Habitat for Humanity, Lions Club, Soroptomis club, any organization that has someone else's welfare at the heart of it.

I think you could find a group of really good friends that would be there and support you and you may find just the right person to be there for your son when he needs it the most.

I think it's time to have a 'heart-to-heart' with your sister and your mom. Discuss your concerns and your values/desires for your son. It's possible that you don't know your sister and BIL as well as you think you do; and they may be better parents than you're giving them credit for. On the other hand, if it turns out you are right, the other moms who posted have some great advice.