I have 2 older step sons (23y and 21y) who are both engaged and/or married and out of the house. They lived with us as early teens (their choice) and I have always had a good relationship with them. However, I am just baffled at how inconsiderate they can be at times. For instance, I sent all 4 (sons and their wife/fiancé) a Happy V-Day text and not a single response. I find that very inconsiderate and hurtful. This is just one of many times they haven't responded or been a little inconsiderate in certain situations.
Please tell me what to think of this!!! Does anyone out there have grown boys who can comment?
Thank you all for your input. First of all, I asked my question above when I only had 3 minutes to spare. Apparently, I didn't proof read before I hit send. I need to clarify that I meant to say V-Day, not B-Day!! I would never have sent just a text on their birthday(s).
I think I will just move on and chalk this up to their being self-focused/absorbed. I have always been big on making sure the boys know to say 'Thanks' and/or recognizing when someone does something for nice for them, so I know it is not lack of parenting in that regard. I am putting my faith in those of you who suggested I wait because it will get better as they mature.
How about a phone call instead of a text. It's their birthdays. You are not asking them to pick up a gallon of milk. Call!
My mother said I disappeared from her life from about age 17 to 27 and then I came back. I never realized it, I thought I called her every now and then, but she remembers me coming home from college to do laundry, to eat and then to take her car to see my friends. I was getting older, but maturity took a lot longer. I imagine the same is happening with your step sons. I imagine they are the same to their dad. Don't take it personally, but I would ask their dad to point out at some point that it is rude to never respond to cards and invites.
Question: When they were kids, did you have them respond to every birthday card they got in the mail? Did you teach them to write thank-you cards for every gift and call the people who sent them?
Just curious.
I, personally, wouldn't get my feathers ruffled because someone didn't respond to a text. If you were looking for interaction, you should have called or stopped by to wish them happy birthday.
If you sent them a text, did you personalize it or just make it look like a chain text to everyone? I don't respond to chain texts either.
That makes me feel better, because my sons seems to be the same way. Maybe it's some kind of new social norm.
Re the below --- I did teach them to respond to cards, gifts, etc., but they still do this. My daughter, however, is polite and gracious.
I consider myself fairly old fashioned, I almost always send written thank yous, either by card or email, for gifts, and if I receive a card from someone I will thank them for it the next time I talk to them (and yes I taught my kids the same.) But the thing is there are so many ways we communicate now, especially on birthdays, between real cards, phone calls, texting, emails, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram (lol I am mentioning all the ways my kids communicate!) that I wouldn't get hung up on an unacknowleged text. My son is almost 20, in his second year of college, and he doesn't always respond to my messages. But I don't think he's rude or unloving I just think he's busy and growing up and has a life where I am not always his top priority. And that's okay! Try not to read too much into it.
p.s. they are not grown boys, now they are young men :-)
I am so sorry! They were rude. A thx does't take much time.
But yes, this is where you live right now. They are very self focused. Keep trying but there are no gaurentee you will get much from them for a few years. They have to wake up. They have to be trained. They will learn to be grateful!
I have a 22 yr old that may or may not answer me back but I keep trying a little at a time. Last night he texted me his valentine plans and a pic he of the homemade ravioli he made for his girlfriend. She gets homemade ravioli and I get a text back if I am lucky! But I am ok with that. I am a small part of his focus right now. I believe it will get better.i am accepting of it, for now. He still wants to talk to me but only on his terms, for now.
You could tell them how you feel. But that would not be conducive to being closer. Wait, it will get better.
my grown sons usually respond to a text or FB message, but not always. they're very busy, and the early 20s are a very self-absorbed age (and that's not necessarily bad.)
there are so many communication venues these days. i just found out that email (my favored one) is considered old-school. who knew?
for me, texting is solely a convenience. i don't like to actually communicate feelings through texting.
maybe find their preferred way of chatting (and happy birthdays are chatting, not vital info) and cultivate better communications that way.
khairete
S.
Happy birthday to your children/and their spouses via text? yeah...I probably wouldn't respond to that either!
ETA: That to me is not the proper way to tell someone you love Happy Birthday. I find texting to immediate family that type of stuff inconsiderate and hurtful.
Friends, extended family, that's different but to children and future in laws, I do!
My SS is 23. He's largely out of our home
(his job may end in the spring so we are keeping a room open for him if he needs it) and even his father has lamented that he doesn't contact him often and SS is much closer to his dad than to me. I think that there are times when they just don't know how to respond or that they SHOULD and sometimes where they figure a "thanks" is not necessary.
If it is important to you, you may need to look at the relationship and see what you can improve or discuss with them. For example, asking for a thank you for a sent gift can include a conversation on if you don't know it arrived, you have no idea if you need to hassle the shipper or store about a lost item. You might also have better luck with the wives than the sons. Even now, there are still some times when something wouldn't get done re: holidays unless I did it. Not that DH doesn't love his family but he gets distracted.
SD (18) on the other hand will send emailed thank yous when we send her care packages and whatnot. She even sent a picture to her little sister to show she was wearing the Valentine's Day tattoo DD sent (Littlest Pet Shop!). But SD has always been more open, more effusive, ect. So while I would LIKE more communications from SS, the biggest difference is that he's not in the house to ask vs he's less communicative. He's never been very gushy.
So, all that said, I'd keep trying to meet them where they are (FaceBook, texts, calls) and acknowledge the limitations of relationships. I am not going to chase SS. But I do include him on things and I know from talking to his GF that he does get my pictures of his sister and show them around, even if he never tells ME about it.
I would also focus less on a birthday text sendback than things like attending Christmas dinner. I would be more hurt if they skipped a big event or showed up to your birthday or Christmas empty handed than if they didn't text back.
I think it is typical of them. I think it is something you should bring up with the boys that you would like more contact or something along those lines.
I don't think you're wrong to expect a reply, but I wouldn't hold it against them nor dwell on it. I am in my 40's and my mom still texts me Happy Birthday, and I simply reply with "Thx". She also sends me a card with a check too - and that gets a proper Thank-You next time I see her. I would also like to add that young men in their low 20's don't really have courtesy or consideration on their minds, but will eventually mature hopefully by 30.
