Are Manners Silly or Important?

Life is way too short for me to waste energy worrying about whether or not someone patted me enough on the back or not. How many times have you spent time writing a detailed, well thought out response here, never to see a flower or thank you, in fact only to get criticism? Do you lose sleep over that? Why would you go easier on a perfect stranger's manners on the Internet than in someone you actually know and care about? No, manners are not silly, but Yes, I think you are being silly, since you asked.

My philosophy is, yes, manners are important. I work to teach my sons manners (though it can be frustrating at times). I do want them to be polite and respectful, and my husbadn and I try to model this for them.

But I try not to have expectations. It's only human to notice and sometimes remember, but I try not to do that. I try to assume people are doing the best they can with what they have and that they sometimes get caught up and don't remember. I try (try) instead to notice and appreciate those who do show good manners and appreciation.

I think they are nice, but since different people have very different definitions of manners, there is no point in having an expectation that people will have the same manners I do.

i always text back a quick 'tx!' or something in this sort of situation. so i'm with you.
i don't think i would ever notice for one second if i had a text or FB message exchange like this with someone and they didn't thank me. so i'm with your husband.
i myself would do it. i wouldn't feel chapped if someone else didn't.
i work at being immersed in gratitude every day. and it IS work. it's so easy to slide along and take it all for granted. but all my work would fly right out the window the second i became more focused on others' expressions of gratitude instead of my own.
khairete
S.

To me unfortunately internet interaction and texts are a whole separate ballpark from thank you note situations and classic manners. Yes, manners are important, and I use them. But if I got pissed off every time someone abruptly ghosted on internet and text conversations when there could have been a polite sign off or thank you- Jeez it happens all the time. Somehow it's the norm for those modes of communication-even though I try to never forget a nice response when it seems appropriate.

But I HAVE forgotten to respond to messages!! For example, my friend sent me a really supportive piece of advice I asked for the other day, and I forgot to respond!!! She texted later asking if I got the message!! I was like, OMG YES THANK YOU FOR YOUR GREAT ADVICE! SORRY I DID NOT RESPOND!!!

Manners are so important - and the lack of them is why we have kids running around like wild animals right now. *I* would have said "thanks", but I don't think it's the end of the world that she didn't with this.

All you can do in regards to manners is teach your children to use them.

I'm a firm believer in thank you notes. I've written a ton of them lately due my personal situation. My daughter was raised that she writes a thank you note to the giver within 24 hours of receiving a gift. That's just how we are.

It is nice when someone sends a thank you but I don't expect it because so many people don't feel as strongly as I do. Some people justify a text or email thank you and that's their way of doing things which does not offend me or hurt my feelings. Some people do nothing which I feel is strange but again, that's them and not me.

Manners are important but with something like texting I probably wouldn't have expected a thanks unless it was something important that I wanted to make sure the other person got the info. I was raised in a family of please and thank you and raised my kids the same way. I've learned to accept that some people weren't raised that way and its made life so much easier. It isn't personal against me that they don't use good manners; they weren't raised that way.

Of course when children come to visit at your house you can teach them good manners. The fun part is seeing if they remember (and most of them do) their manners on the next visit.

She asked you in an informal way and you answered in an informal way. This isn't an issue of manners. It was your choice to respond. Now if she had called you or in a direct way asked you then she should have and probably would have said thank you.

You didn't do anything more exceptional than answering a question here. Should we expect a personal thank you for all of these comments whether they were useful or not?

I respond to most messages and emails, not because of manners but because with something so informal I am not always sure it gets there and since I prefer a confirmation I send one as well.

Per your what happened, I have not been noticing this trend you seem to see. Perhaps because I call people or meet them in person. I don't expect eLaziness to be anything but that, a lazy way to communicate. If you want to make it something it is not, expect a life of frustration.

It's a matter of how people were raised.

Would I say thanks? Yes. Obviously she doesn't feel she owes you a thank you. You cannot demand gratitude. It just won't work. It's fake when demanded.

You need to let it go. Be the person YOU want to be but don't force others to feel or believe the way you do.

I think we get our feelings hurt for the oddest reasons nowadays.

If it showed up on your phone that she saw the message you know she got it. Let it go.

I can't imagine being burdened so much by this.

I would have thanked you. That's just common courtesy.

It would depend on the person. If they were rude in general, and they did this, I probably just wouldn't do favors any more. If it was an oversight (generally a very kind person) I'd let it go.

Sounds like a funny person - I'm guessing there's more to it than just this one text. I don't know too many friends who'd ask me what to buy their own child.

Of course manners are important. We send handwritten thank you cards for gifts and my kids are very liberal with the pleases & thank yous. I believe most important is the way you treat others as you go through life.

This situation you describe is totally trivial. Under the same circumstances I would have sent a quick "thanks!" but her lack of doing so doesn't equate real rudeness.

"If expressing gratitude is a key happiness for you" then be grateful your friend values your opinion enough to ask it and don't over analyze. Spending energy privately lamenting the loss of manners over a single text message isn't exactly wallowing in thankfulness. Practice what you're preaching Momma.

A quick "thank you" back would have been nice. I can't STAND it when I send a text and get zero response. Even when I specifically ask a question. You can't tell me in this day and age your phone is not attached to you and even on the small chance it's not when you do see it there will be a message on the front that you received a call, text and/or email so you would know. Pretty sure not many are doing actual written thank you notes anymore. I think most have even stopped Christmas cards. We got less and less over the last few years. It's just a sad sign of the times unfortunately.

It's mannerly for her to respond back but maybe she was super busy when she read your text and then got sidetracked and forgot to respond. You never know. Yes, it's poor manners, but let it go.

I think that it depends on what was received, but a thank you is often appreciated. I have my DD write a thank you note for any presents received from afar (where she did not thank the giver in person), for example. I always RSVP, even if it's sending regrets. If it was a FB message or something, I would be less worried about the thank you, since that is very informal communication.

Morning, while I think that manners are definitely important and try to keep an attitude of gratitude myself, including my family... What gets me into trouble and sounds like you as well are EXPECTATIONS.. In that respect, I agree with your husband, having expectations is the issue.. and it's when we have them that we are disappointed.. Whether it's because someone didn't thank us or whatever the case.. expectations of an outcome and or specific behavior can definitely spoil things, that is IF we allow it..
I am a Buddhist, and still have so much to learn, one of the things that I too constantly work on (as do many Buddhists) is learning NOT to have expectations. it's tough, because just when I think I am cured :) oops.. I am not.. Example. recently, an estranged sibling of mine emailed my son and alluded to "someone" in the family having Cancer. My son emailed back asap and said, do you have Cancer or someone in the family?? we waited and waited for a reply...... then four days later, her response, " not important who, take care..." that was it. In my mind, I DID have expectations that since she brought up the topic, she'd say who had it or IF she does.. nope.. my biological family doesn't work that way, they prefer to be passive-aggressive..
now, I was upset at first because I expected that she having brought up the topic, she SHOULD tell us who is sick..
point is. I have to let it go... and my expectations of ever having "decent" functional communication with her .. it's not in the cards.. although different situation.. it's all about expectations..
I constantly have to ask myself this... IF for example I am giving someone a gift OR giving them advice OR listening to their problems, IF they don't say thanks or respond with gratitude (As I think it should be) will I be ok with this.. and I can't answer yes.. then I know that I am doing whatever I am doing for my OWN selfish reasons... it's one thing to be kind, but if you EXPECT something in return, even just thank you, it will get your into trouble..
I think it's great that you are kind and generous with your time.. I don't know that that is what needs to change.. but so as NOT to get hurt in the process of giving of yourself, some how, some way you ll probably need to work on ridding yourself of expectations... otherwise, you will be setting yourself up for heartache...

Wishing you all the best

Okay, well I'm guessing that you used this as an example and there are other similar things that have happened that are irritating you and maybe this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back! :) I think people are nitpicking about this particular incident and I'm pretty sure that's not your entire issue. Anyway, I'm with you. I think people are less personable these days because of social media. It's a great tool for quick and easy communications but it definitely can be interpreted as rude, especially to someone who expects to be treated the way you treat others. I'm right there with you. I have found myself getting offended by texts from good friends and others and when I just ask them about it it usually turns out they were in a hurry, etc. and I just way overreacted. LOL. Yeah, I can be sensitive. I'm learning to let things go, haha! So, I think you mostly have to give people the benefit of the doubt in situations like this. You keep on keeping on and doing what you do and hopefully it will rub off on others. But in this situation it was probably innocent. She may have even been at the store looking for presents and thought she'd better message you quickly to get some ideas.

I do make my kids write thank you notes for birthdays and for other things I make sure they directly tell the gift giver thank you to their face. We tell each person hello (family functions, not necessarily a kids' bday party) when we arrive someplace and we tell each person goodbye/thank you when we leave.

Some people are not good at writing thank you notes. In my personal opinion I would have at least commented back thank you. Common courtesy. :)

It saddens me to see how many people would just blow off sending a quick thank you to someone, and who think that thank you cads are thing of the past. It is just tasteless that someone's help is going unnoticed, especially if you asked for it. Common courtesy should never be ignored and it is rude to do so.

I think your husband is in the wrong. I think people have started ignoring thank you's because they get so involved in technology. Having a decent conversation is going the same way.

My nieces are being raised to write thank you notes, and it's interesting how many of their friends and adults will compliment them for doing so. In our house, after awhile, people who don't send a not, or otherwise recognize a gift stop getting a gift. If you can't appreciate getting something, then you will find yourself out of luck. Can you tell this is a pet peeve of mine?

Off my soapbox now.

I think texting has taken over writing, and emojis have taken over conversations sometimes! E-cards have replaced real letters and cards and thank you notes. We're buried in our phones and not engaging personally - so it takes away the facial expressions, the conversation, and the need to be present in the moment. So I think a lot of people have gotten away from the manners thing.

Miss Manners would say a few things. She would say that thank you notes are not out of style, RSVPs are essential, and people shouldn't have to chase others for an answer to an invitation. She'd probably say that your neighbor should have called you to discuss, or that you might have called her back to get her feedback on a few things to save yourself time.

My son had to either write a thank you note (before using the toy or cashing the check) or send a note back with the gift saying why he didn't want it. Obviously, he never chose the 2nd option. Either way, he was writing a letter. When he was 2, I wrote it and he scrawled across it with a crayon. At 3, he added stickers. At 4, he wrote at least the first letter of his name. At 5, he "dictated" the letter and signed his name. And son on.

In your case, I would probably call the neighbor and say, "Hey there, I got your message and sent you a list of suggestions. Did you get it? If not, I will re-send it. If so, was there anything helpful on it or do you need more?" That ought to prompt her to respond with a thank you (not a long letter - just a quick message of "Thanks - you're awesome!"), and if she doesn't, I'd just take my time helping out the next time. I'd still help her the next time, but I'd keep an eye on the gratitude thing just to decide how much energy to keep investing over time.

Your hubby is wrong. Yes, it was your choice to respond, but that doesn't mean she has no obligation to thank you. Ask your husband if it's his choice to give you a birthday gift and you have no obligation to acknowledge it. If it's his choice to do X chore or give the kids allowance, then it follows by his logic that absolutely no one ever has to say thank you to him. Try it for a day, just not saying thank you to him for ANYTHING, and see what he says.

And just take a look at the endless Mamapedia questions (and issues in our general lives) of people planning parties, kids' birthdays, and weddings, with a huge percentage of people not RSVPing. Hosts are texting and emailing parents to find out if their kids are coming or not, they're buying extra food for those who might "just show up", and getting frustrated with wedding catering and seating arrangements (hugely expensive) just because people are a) rude or b) waiting to see if they have a better offer for that same time period.

I'd rather have a friend like you!

of course manner are important. were you expecting people to say otherwise?

Your expectations are high. Do you make your kids write thank you notes?

What I find interesting is how easily people get offended or riled up over the small things.

Another vote for let it go.

i think manners are important. and i know for certain that kids these days are not being taught them. its sad really. my sil teaches h.s english and was going over formal letter writing with her students and our of her class of 30 she had 2 that had written a thank you note. and that is shameful of the other 28 partents. all kids should know how to thank someone and should do it for even something simple. like one taking the time to type out a christmas idea list.

Manners are important. Your neighbor friend should've messaged you at least a "thanks." But there's a chance that it was an innocent mistake, not poor manners. Unless she has a history of being rude, I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

With that said, there are a lot of people who don't have manners these days. I've had similar situations happen to me a number of times and I've learned to just let these things go.