Grown but Still a Child

Time to cut the cord in a nice way . . . develop some healthy boundaries. That doesn't mean to be rude. Just firm but loving.

My neighbor had a similar situation.
She retired and moved to Florida to a 1 bedroom house where there was no room for guests or visitors.
If family wanted to visit, they'd have to stay in a hotel.
Start having a social life of your own.
Don't be available all the time for them to come over.
If they won't listen what are they going to do, camp out on your door step when you are not home?
Go to the senior center or the movies or a bingo game or church.
Take a romantic weekend at a bed and breakfast with your fiance.
Tell them they can visit your house every other weekend and you'll visit them at their house the other weekends (which would be a bit much for me - just seeing them every other weekend would be enough for me in order to have a life of my own).
She's going to be mad - let her be - but don't let her guilt you.
She has kids of her own and she's the Mama now - your job is done.

Well she sounds like she cannot handle her children all by herself, or does not want to.

She is afraid if you get married you will not want to or be able to continue to take care and feed her children..

We always call my mother to ask permission to go over.. She usually says yes, unless she has other plans.. and of course this is fine.. My mother also does the same thing with us.. She calls to ask if she can pop by or if she has something she wants to drop off.. Again, if I am not available or it is not a good time.. she is fine with that.

When our daughter was little and my husband and I worked full time, sometimes my mom would call and say, I want to make dinner for all of you. Do you want to come over or should I drop it by..

But we did not go over there and go through her food.. She would offer specific things. Would you like some leftovers? etc..

You need to let your daughter know that you love her, you love her children, but from now on they need to call to make sure you are not busy// And that you will do the same.

If she tells the family... so what?.. You know the truth..

I was not thrilled when my mother remarried.. I told her my concerns and then she just said, ok thank you for telling me and married him anyway.. That is the way it works..

S.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

This is tough!! Did you not say NO to your daughter when she was growing up and meant it?

If she is 22 years old and has children of her own - is she a SAHM? If not - how can she provide for her children if she's at your home every day?

SO WHAT if she calls your family?! She is a CHILD and an insolent one at that!! You need to establish boundaries. PERIOD. Tell her NO and MEAN it. Set boundaries. She can come to YOUR HOME AT THESE HOURS...If she comes any other time? The door will be locked. AND MEAN IT. LOCK IT.

If your GROWN child does NOT comprehend that you have RA and need down time, then she needs to learn more than just boundaries.

YOU MUST STOP ALLOWING her to treat you this way. You have allowed it, it has become "natural" for her and you cave.

If she goes off the deep end - then she might need medical/mental help and get on some type of anti-anxiety medication so that she can control herself.

GOOD LUCK!!

No doesn't mean no if you keep letting them come over and cook for them. Sure it is easier to cry than take care of yourself but that doesn't mean your daughter is actually hurting when you say no. She is doing what she knows will get you to cave so stop caving.

S., does she have any help with these 3 kids from her husband? It sounds like she is on her own, OR her husband doesn't help, and what she really wants is for you to babysit or be the co-mother.

She doesn't want to mother by herself and now that you are balking, she's being a big baby about it.

If you can't move farther away (LOL!), then you have to really mean it when you say that she needs to stop coming over so often.

Change the locks and go out more. If you could get a part time job or do some volunteer work that takes you out of the house more, that would help wean her off of you. Whatever you do, don't let her come in while you aren't there.

Don't turn your cell phone on and don't pick up the phone every time she calls.

I would not fill up your frig with food for them to eat up. If there's nothing to eat at your house, she'll stop making you her free restaurant. When you want to see her and the kids, CALL her and tell her that you have some free time and would like to stop by. If you babysit, do it at HER house.

You need to wean her off of your help. I think you didn't expect for her to act like a child over this, but you have unwittingly created a monster and now you have to turn this around. I wouldn't do it all at once, but don't give in and stop changing the dynamic. She can't go into hysterics in front of you if you two aren't together. Just twice a week is PLENTY for you two to spend time together.

When she asks why you are going out so much, tell her that you have grown tired of being at home so much, you already raised kids and want to be a grandma and not a mom, and it's time for you to get out there before you're too old to do anything. You feel that you can enjoy family, but family is not everything. So you're branching out.

If she falls apart, you should frankly tell her that she is the one who decided to have 3 kids, and she has to be the main caregiver, without you propping her up. It might be hard, but she needs to do it.

Good luck untying this unhealthy knot!
Dawn

This is hard to understand. She will always be your daughter so you shouldn't really just tell her to leave you alone. Maybe you should try going out to dinner like on a date with your husband and leaving her and her kids behind. She should understand.

What exactly are the problems? Could you provide some detail?

EDIT: Set some boundaries. Tell her that you need some space and some time with your fiance/new husband.

Tell her that while you love her and her children, you're not available to take care of them every day any more.

Tell her which days of the week are okay with you for them to visit and which hours of those days they are allowed to visit. If it's just weekends, then say so. If they come for Sunday dinner ask your daughter to contribute food to the meal or to host the visits sometimes.

If she needs a babysitter, she is to ASK you and not tell you. And you are allowed to say "no" to her.

If she shows up at your house uninvited you can tell her "It's a bad time, I'm sorry, but I'm the middle of something. I'll see you on Saturday or Sunday." or "You caught me at a bad time. Fiance and I are getting ready to settle in for a quiet night with Chinese delivery and we only ordered enough for two. We plan on an early bed time tonight, but I'll talk to you tomorrow and see you on Sunday."

I dont understand your question. Are you saying she is grown but still mentally a child? Or grown but still your daughter? I have two grown children (20 and 23) I do not like all the decisions they make but they are living independtly so all I can do is talk to them and offer opinions advice -yes, more in a friend role than a "do what I say I'm your mother" If she is not supported/ living with you then she can make her own decisions whether you like her decisions or not.