Growing Apart

15 years wow, I think I should be asking you for advice. I have been married for much less time and I see how marriage can be great and really (#4*&^ too. I read a great artical online the other day that gave suggestions on bringing back the fire after children. One suggestion was getting reconnected daily. One way that many people said was a great way was taking a shower together. another way to get each other more interested, flirting. Some suggested using email or text messages to flirt, building up the antisipation.
Good luck.

Gosh I am so ryy to hear that, My husband and I have been married for 7 years so just half the time that you two are. I really don't anything to say as I don't know what you are experienceing. So if there is anything I can do for you just ask. Good luck,
S. d

Hi K.,
First I would say to talk to your husband and see what he thinks is the problem and let him know how you feel. Go talk to a pastor they deal with all kinds of problems and they know where to go and what to do. Pray, and like it was said before do not quit your job, but if it is possible financially maybe go to part time so that you would have more time to cook wonderful meals and clean house, and be sexy for him when he comes home. Another thing is to set up a date night every couple of weeks, get a baby sitter, go to a movie, dinner, etc. just the two of you. There was many years of just the two of you and now you have a son together which takes up alot of your time which in turn is taking away from him. Men are big kids...lol they need attention too.
Good Luck, and God Bless

May I suggest reading the "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura? It may offer you some hope.

My suggestion is to make Christ your foundation. Thats why my marriage works. Get plugged in with other couples..Find a mentor couple...

Hi, I don't mean to sound negative to the other responses, but marriage is a two way street. Quitting your job will not fix it if your husband isn't going to pull his weight. You staying home to do the chores isn't the problem. Communication is the key and if you both decide it would be best for you to be home then fine. But please don't think you have to be the one doing all the housework and raising of the children for the marriage to work. It is a partnership. Sometimes it works for the mother to stay home, sometimes it works for the father to stay home. Either way don't think the burden is all on you. You are in this together. Hope that helps.
S.

Hi there K.! My name is S. and my husband and I have been together 9 1/2 years and married 3 out of those 9. We have a 2 1/2 year old and can relate to you. After my daughter was born everything was wonderful, then things started to take a toll on our relationship. We realized that the one thing causing so much stress is our financial situation. We are doing good financially, it's just that with a baby now, we have to put her needs beore our own and it started to affect us. All my husband really wants is a wife that appreciates him and uplifts him every once in a while. This may sound funny, but women forget that we are tough cookies and we can humble our selves by making our husbands feel they are our heroes. They just need to hear that you think they are the greatest and you support them. I say this because I got so stuck in the independent woman phase, that I was making my husband feel less of a man every day, so he no longer felt the need have to be the man because I was too busy either nagging him, or not paying any attention to him. I tell my husband every day what a great husband & father he is and our life has never been better. If you ever want to talk, e-mail me and I will e-mail you back with my number. I hope all works out with you.

aloha,
S.

Central Christian Church has a great series going on called Relationships 911. This past weekend sevice was called "Help I'm married!" Really good advice. And you can also watch it on line at- http://www.centralchristian.com/home.asp Some really good books I've also read are: His Needs, Her Needs By Willard F. Harley Jr; The Five Love Languages By Gary Chapman; and that Dr. Laura book someone else mentioned are great! Don't give up! Any changes have to start with you....

Hey K.,

There are a lot of responses on here that seem to have religious overtones, and mine's not one of them...just in case you want a different point of view. You may want to try counseling on a every 3 week schedule, or a new counselor, or read John Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles For Making a Marriage Work." It's a book based on 16 years of actually studying couples, and not just 'stay home and tell your husband how much you love him!!!" and all that other stuff that just makes you feel like a bad person for having feelings and needs.

I would also try the exercises in the book, they are very valuable. Good luck and keep us posted :)

my husband and I have been together for 14 years. We have had our ups and downs also. Dont quit your job the last thing you need is financial strain adding to all the other strains. communication is great if you cant get to therapy which didnt really do it for me, go to a movie, go to dinner try to get out of the house just the two of you at least once a month. dont give up try to get a little time in when you can when you cant leave him a note just saying " I love you" every once in a while in his car or briefcase or something. It is not easy but try to throw in some intamacy and some caring every now and then. It is a two way street but usually someone has to start the flow. Once you start he will give back.
Hope all goes well

I recommend reading the book Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil McGraw and trying some of what he suggests. He has a quiz in there that might tell you if it's likely that you can get your relationship working again as well as what to focus on to make it work.

I have only been married for two years and may not have the experience to give suggestions but felt the need. The best gift we can give our children is a healthy relationship between their parents. Don’t give up. My job is to empower women and help relationships. I own my own business that deals with helping situations like yours. If you are interested in hearing more about my work please send me a message.

Growing apart from someone is always disconcerting sweetie. Sometimes it is better to draw the attention to the situation which you have done well with seeking professional help, however, sometimes people grow apart and it is better to grow apart on a decent level than to be angry and go to the fighting level! To let go sometimes is the only way to find out if there is anything left and it is the hardest thing to do. Bless you darlin and your son and I hope you can resolve your situation on a amiable note.

I've just passed up my 16 year anniversary. I married at the age of 19. We had our first child 4 years later. I have a long story behind the short of it, but the short of it is..we've been through counseling, I've been both a SAHM and a WOHM..we've had ups and downs...there IS such a thing as a 7 year itch and there is also such a thing as the "15 year blues".I will be filing for divorce as soon as we sell our house and get things in order. It's not about YOU, it's about the BOTH of you and MAKING the time to have a marriage and work on it. It takes TWO! That is the most valuable lesson I've learned. You can't MAKE it work and you can't take on sole resposibility of it yourself and you can't take on the burden of doing everything. For some women, that works, for some it doesn't. I'm an advocate for counseling. I have been through the ringer but still say divorce is the last option to choose. But keep in mind counseling doesn't FIX it, counseling should give you the tools to make things work on your own and an outlet for thinking.

I'm happy to "talk" more about specifics via e-mail.

hi K., sweety we all have been there unfortanily. but we all have to go through the process. my husband and i have been married 8 yrs and we have been through many ups & downs as well ,my husband works away from home for4-6 weeks at a time. in a way that helps us because we are not together all the time and he misses us terriable. as well as we do him.we appreciate each other more but when he comes home we always have a date night or day where it is just the two of us we leave our girls with a babysitter to have our time. even though the girls only see daddy for 4 days but we have to have our time so we make better friends & lovers to each other and better parents to our girls. we to did that counseling. but it just got to a point where it was a blame game so we worked on it our selves. my husband tells me all the time what a great job i am doing with the kids ,house, bills .even when i am stressed out.i send him love packages i text him love notes & tell him how much i appreciate how much he does for our family ect. if your husband can't make the appointment ask him what would be best day for him check around and see if someone offers weekend app. if its about the weekend. but get his point of view as well. my mom taught me growing up to be indepentant and as for us woman we have had to fight to be heard and sometimes we take it to far and forget we have to share with the one we love we want to feel important so do they .my husband said to me once i was attracted to you because you were independant but also i made him feel wanted. thats what they want. i wish you all the luck dont give up earn your way out. so if it does not work you can look back and say you did everything you could of did. take a little bit advice from everyone and see what is right for you. good luck

I read a book called "How to avoid the greener grass syndrome" I am not Christian and it has Christian references in it, but to me it was nothing offensive. The book is really about bringing back the little things back to a marriage that you lose over time, and especially after kids. My husband and myself both read it and it was inspiring (and he's not one to read those kind of help books). Really its a great book and can be for any situation of making a marriage better. I hope you like it :)

HI K.,

Check out Marriage Encounter. You do not need to be catholic to utilize this service. It is an intensive, emotional weekend, that helps you reconnect and teaches you how to keep your marraige strong.

Good luck!

Frank Gunzberg (google for info) is a counselor that offers counseling/information online; we used an online book that goes step by step, and was very helpful, esp. for my husband. I have never been overly impressed with counseling, pricewise, timewise and information. Dr. Gunzberg and of course, prayer, has ironed out some, well, gnarly problems in the last 10 years for me. whew. Good luck!

Heather had some very good advice.. I'd say quit your job too.
I listen to Dr. Laura.. I read her book, the proper care and feeding of husbands.. the best thing I ever did!! it is amazing how much husbands respond to having their house cleaned and their wife there to love them! They really are simple people.. they only need a couple things and then they'll give you the world!! Make him WANT to come home to you!! go get that book too! :)

I think we all struggle in this area. And while I'll try not to let the feminist in me go bizzirk from some of the responses, I will say that it's very important to find some time together to reconnect.

Our relationship dynamic just CHANGES with children. And while I actually ADORED my time as a SAHM, and can't wait till the day that it is possible again, I don't think I need to stay home and "service" my husband to have a successful relationship.

For us, the key is balance. We equally shared tasks, related to home management. By spreading the requirements equally, we were left with more time to focus on each other. We actually found the best place for us to reconnect with each other was in the shower. It was the one place that we didn't have distractions and we could actually TALK to each other and even display a little intimacy, if the mood strikes.

The cliffnotes version is simple... share all responsibilities and MAKE time for each other. Actually, physically, write it down in your appointment book and stick to it.

K.,
I have been with my husband for 10years. And I can tell you that we have certianly had our ups and downs. Time, time together was our biggest issue always. We fought about how we spent so little time we had together and money was ALWAYS short and we fought about that too. We had two kids close together and so there was issue too, we were always tired and just wanted a break but witht two demanding babies there really was no "us" time.... Sound farmiliar??? I will tell you I loved my husband but I was ready to walk away. I took a week off work, and stayed home, I got the house cleaned finally and took the whole week to focus on him and my family and to really look at what we needed to get back on track. One week that was it and by the end of the week, we were actaully talking again, the house was clean, the kids got the attention from us they needed and because I wasn't just rushing in the door we too had some quite time to just regroup a bit. Here's the HARD thing I did. I quit my job... we were living less then paycheck to pay check but that didn't matter anymore. I went online and found a reputable work from home business and jumped in with two feet. I have been home now for almost 19 months, and we still have some rough patches, but really we are functioning again. I know that this is NOT the solution for every one. I can only tell you how it helped me and my family. I now work from my living room helping, mostly women, all over the US and canada to work from home. We give you all the tools you need and the training for free. You can look it for your self at http://wisemommy.fourpointmoms.com . There are also tons of other work form home businesses that are legitamate too if you want to work from home, but I recomend to stay away from anything that wants tons of money up front there are thousands of scams out there.

I know what you were looking for was maraige advice, and that this seems a little off kilter, but, in all honesty that was what helped to straiten out my maraige, we were just too thin on time to really spend together and this made it actaully possible.

I hope this helps and I didn't offend you, that was not my intention. I really just wanted to share with you what happened with us, and we were able to help it. It's hard to give everything in your life %100 and keep every one happy.

H.

This is a fast fix if your relationship is suffering from lack of expressed appreciation.(easy to do when parenting issues keep coming up)

-at the end of each day both of you write down one thing you appreciated about your spouse and one thing you appreciated about yourself then you each give yourself and spouse a letter grade for the day.Let each other read what you wrote and that's it!What a tremendous and immediate effect!