Grandparent.....(ugh)

Theres one thing Ive noticed about parents these days.They arent much interested in babysitting or having the kids on there own for any length of time.My mother in law has one grandchild,my 21 month old son. She has never taken him to her house.She has never been alone with him outside my house.I also have a 22 year old son and 21 year old daughter and when they were little my parents had them all the time.Now they say their to old and tired because this baby came so late.They are 63 and 60,not 85!Oh well,what can ya do.I plan on talking to all the grandparents about this soon.I NEED A BREAK!!!!!!

Could you maybe get 3 of the grandparents to take 1 child each on the same night? Might be more manageable for them.

I do not have grandparents close so I cannot relate. My parents have watched my daughter for a full week, but I do not think all grandparents would do that. I still have a sister in high school.

I do not have great advise, but agree maybe a babysitter outside of family would be the best route. If you have good friends with kids, try swapping kids so you can let each other have evenings out.

Since I'm a grandmother I can relate to this. First, let me say, I love my grandchildren with all my heart. BUT....I did raise 5 children myself, and when my kids were small both sets of their grandparents were not alive. I didn't have a "built-in" babysitter. If we wanted to do something, we had to either take the kids with us, or hire a babysitter. I really feel a lot of grand-parents are taken advantage of with babysitting, at a time in their life where they no longer have the energy to keep up with little ones. I am one of those. My daughter has 5 children, and yes we babysit whenever we can, but we don't have them over to spend the night for actually two reasons. One...the energy thing (we go to bed very early) and the children don't want to. Two...when we retired we moved to a very small retirement home, and honestly just don't have the room. However, it certainly doesn't mean we don't love our grandchildren. Third...our daughter is very busy, so we rarely hear from her, unless she needs a babysitter. I know she cares about us, but is just very busy with her daily routine. I know this probably doesn't help you much, but I just wanted you to kind of see the other possible side of the picture. We have never turned our daughter down for babysitting, but we also have not asked her for the kids to spend the night, although they have once or twice...at her request. Believe me, some day you will understand what I'm talking about here. As we get older, our energy level is pretty much out the door.

Where is it written that grandparents are built in babysitters? It would be nice for the kids to stay over at their house, but for whatever reason the grandparents don't want the kids for an overnighter. Based on what you've said, your kids do have a realtionship with their grandparents just not the one you want.

Yours stop by??? Wow!!! I am stunned to say the least. My mom lives just down the street and her response is always "well the street goes both ways" you think mom?

I have gone with the not even asking policy. I don't want my children hurt as our parents even go so far as to play favorites. My mom was always talking about legacy and family, but she never has time for the kids.

You are probably going to have to just get honest with them. I imagine no matter what you say is going to cause offense. I tried to nicely tell my mom how I felt and she threw back in my face that I was no better than my sisters (I never partied, got straight A's, am an honor student in college, and have never touched drugs, while they've all dropped out of high school!). I told her straight out that it was inappropriate for her to play favorites or to expect me to jump at her every command when she couldn't take the kids for a few hours. It was hard, but I was growing bitter inside and this helped get everything out. We instructed our parents that until they were willing to step up we'd have to go elsewhere and just not to bother. It hurt so bad...

I now have a daycare gal that babysits. A Christian gal who just loves the babies and even begs for them to come over. They also inherited some aunts from my friends who adore them. A loving enviroment is a much better one. I hope that talking with them will help, but if it degrades don't back down! Stand up for yourselves! They are being selfish and these children are so precious and impressionable. I really pray something happens to change things.

I don't have this problem as both our parents live out of state, but I think it's a bit presumptuous to think they'd should offer to take your three very young kids for the night. I guess I look at it as they've had their run as parents to young kids (which even when good are a lot to handle.). My mom always said she looked forward to grand parenting because you could send them back at night. I think all the grandparents can get in quality time with the kids without taking them for the night. If you and your husband want some time away, it's your job to find that person. Hiring a babysitter for several hours or sharing babysitting time/nights with a close friend whom you trust and can reciprocate.

It sounds like you have let a lot of resentment about this build up. That's unhealthy and not good for you or your relationships with your parents, step parents, in-laws, etc. It also doesn't seem like you really have anything to say that is going to "change" their minds. You have tried asking them, they have refused (in so many words) and you now need to respect their feelings. If you push it with them, they might feel put-off and start to feel strained and not want to spend any time with the kids.

I have to agree with the other posters about respecting their feelings about not taking all three kids at once. I have an almost two-year-old and she alone can be quite the handful...not in a negative way, just in a "wow, she is a really busy kid" way.

Even though I have a child, and will have another soon--I can't imagine wanting to watch someone else's 3 kids, feed them, entertain them, keep them safe, get them ready for bed, get them to sleep, etc. It's a LOT of work for anyone, and I can totally understand the grandparents who choose not to. It probably depends a lot on how maternal/paternal they are still feeling at this point in their lives. Some grandparents just dive right in and don't give it a second thought...but they are not the majority it seems.

Grandparents shouldn't be considered "built-in" babysitters. It's kind of selfish of us as children to assume this of them. Many people who are grandparents are also full-time workers. They would like their weekends and evenings to themselves, just as most people would. If the grandparents aren't offering, or sincere with their offers--it's time to move on, enjoy those visits when they do happen.

You are LUCKY to have grandparents nearby, even if they don't babysit. All of my daughter's grandparents are cross-country and traveling has become so expensive lately, she doesn't get to see them as much as we'd like! When we do see them, we would never ask them to babysit because we want to enjoy our time with all of them.

If you need some time off, it's time to hire a babysitter. Find someone at your church or a local mom's group. Start a babysitting co-op with other moms in your area. There are options out there for you, but you need to get over the "grandparents won't babysit" first and make those other options work for you.

I think this kind of situation is more common than most think. My daughters grandparents are all wonderful but they don't call up asking to have her for the weekend either!

My advice would be to form other relationships for your daughter and not dwell on the fact that your parents/hubby's parents aren't more involved. It will just cause more grief than anything and possibly drive them farther away if you say something hurtful.

Call them one more time and ask if they can have the kids over. If they don't say yes, tell them that you don't want to bug them anymore and ask that they let YOU know when they would like to have them over. That puts the ball in their court. They may never call, but that is their loss.

Hi,
I have two young children and only once have my parents ever taken them overnite.. (b/c we were painting our house and I begged) I just tell myself that I need not to compare what other peoples grandparents do. I need to be lucky they are alive. I also tell myself they are 70 years old and if my kids wear me out and I am 30 imagine how tired they are after watching young children. I try to think positive. At least they do watch them in short durations like when I have a doctors visit ect.. But my husband was corect to hire a high school senior to watch our kids for the evening that can stay at or house and put the kids to bed. I will be praying for you.. Try to think positive at least they swing by and see the children at your house.
Lenc

A...
I'm with Gina...maybe you could ask each set to take one kid and have some special one on one time with that chid, then you could rotate and that way each child will have one on one time with the grandparents and you guys will have at least 3 seperate nights alone. I'm thinking if you pitch it right, it just might work and might be beneficial to all. I also have 3 kids and I know that they are alot to handle, even with them being good kids:)

It might open the door for a conversation about you wanting/needing some time just you and the man? Maybe...

I feel for you, my sister NEVER watches my kids even though I have watched hers since they were born, they are with me atleast 2 nights a week, if not more and she never feels the need to volunteer to watch the kids for me and when I ask it seems she always have something better to do. I have realized I have to let it go...we can not make people be like us...just because we would do/ have done something like this for them does not mean they feel the same way! I was angry at my sister for awhile feeling that she wasnt being the best Auntie she could be, then I came to grips with the fact that, thats just not her! I am the BEST Auntie ever and I am sorry she is missing out on seeing them grow...her loss. All you can do is ask and explain your feelings, the rest is on them.

K.

First off, you've already got a lot of good responses but just a little perspective. You're only 27 and I remember being 27. As people have told you, after about 40, your energy level drops off about 70%. Think of a day when you've done physical work like heavy yardwork or doing some very heavy job for several hours non-stop. Think about how you feel that night - bone tired!! That is what it feels like to be over 40 at the end of a long day. It seems unbelievable, but believe me it is true. Now, when you feel like that, do you feel like babysitting three children under the age of ten with battling boys and a less than 2 year old that probably won't sleep thru the night at a strange house? Probably not. I know this is hard to imagine but like I said, if you can remember what it feels like to be at your most, extreme tired you will have some perspective.

That said, count your blessings. I have a seven year old. My husband and I have no fathers (they both have passed away) and both of our mothers are in care centers with stroke and Parkinson's Disease. Our daughter has never had a grandparent's house to go visit even for an hour. No grandma or to even go and get her a birthday card. Treasure the relationship your children have just having grandparents.

It is time to accept what your children have and count your blessings. As time goes on, you wont have them anymore. Instead, teach your children to embrace them and do things for them. Make them pictures, cookies and teach the children to outpour love. That is Christ's call for us as followers. Teach them to value others first. It is the best life lesson you can give your kids. Everyone will benefit!!

Hi A., so sorry that you are having these difficulties with your sets of grandparents. It is sad that none of them seem to be there when you want them to be, and it seems as though all of them don't seem to recognize what they are missing in developing relationships with your children at these formative young years. But the truth is that they are your children. You say that the boys are a bit "rambunctious" but that they are great kids. Well, that may be how you see it but it is obviously not how it is perceived by ALL of the sets of grandparents (otherwise they would be willing to at take the kids once in a while instead of the NEVER that you indicated. I don't know how old all of the grandparents are but as adults get older they seem to have a great deal LESS tolerance for rambunctious behavior and they don't have the energy to handle it. I'd suggest first of all to call a paid sitter to watch your kids when you want to go out with your hubby. Free childcare, even for grandparents is an unreasonable expectation. Beyond that I suggest that you look a bit more closely at the behavior of your children. Are they simply rambunctious or are they out of control, disrespectful, argumentative, whiney, and demanding to have their way (how many times do you have to repeat yourself when asking the children to behave or to perform a task?). If any of these are true then they are no fun to be around and you have some work to do. I'm always amazed that parents of rambunctious children think its cute and that everyone else should think so also...it's not and they don't. Children, even young ones, need to understand that their behavior needs to be adjusted for the situation that they are in. There should be clear and enforcable boundaries of behavior when they are somewhere other than their own homes (though there should be boundaries at home also)and you and your husband need to do the enforcing - consistantly. We all appreciate good behavior from children when they are at school, church, restaurants, shopping and especially when they are at the homes of others. We all have experienced children who are not taught these boundaries and we don't typically repeat the experience if we have the choice. So be sure your children learn these boundaries. Consistant dicipline, boundaries, rules and guidance will result in behavior that any family member can enforce and maybe then they will be willing to "take" your children. Good luck because it really is all up to you.

Hmmm - I hope that this will help. Often times, no matter what the particular issue, we, as humans, are keen to give our power away (by getting angry, avoidance, etc.) As parents, mates, friends, family... we often CHOOSE to be offended when people do not behave the way that we want them to. By choosing NOT to be offended, we are able to place the power back in our own court and are able to actually do something about our own life circumstances. For example, when someone cuts us off on the highway, we can CHOOSE to not waste any energy by allowing them to go ahead without any animosity (and waste some our own personal energy)-

So what happens when we aren't offended? We get a sitter, because it is so important to reconnect with our mates and friends. We cherish our own parents for who they are, with their own needs and wishes to reconnect with their own mates and friends without guilt or pride or fear. Recently a friend of mine was expressing her dissatisfaction with her support system - she was petrified to express her woes because she felt she could not handle any rejection. I mentioned that she may be rejecting herself (helping others to the detriment of her own self - feeling guilty for wanting more support but not allowing herself enough power to change the situation.) She ended up being honest BUT FAIR to herself first, then her family. She said it wasn't easy at all (to not play games or mental antics) but the results (confidence, connection) are invaluable. Her mother is able to say no without guilt which has brought them much closer (***being understood without judgment***) and my friend feels that when her mother does say yes, she is a fantastic caregiver to her grandchildren.

I hope this is helpful

J.Kelley

I may get alot of flack for this response, but they're your kids, not the grandparents. My Mom and Dad told me that they were not going to be babysitters, we had this conversation before I delivered my first child. So, as grandparents they were totally awesome!!! When we were visiting at their house, it was magical. As our family grew, so did the interaction between them and all of the kids. My parents lived very close by. They did babysit for 3 weeks while my husband and I were sent out of state for training for work. My dad was delighted when we got home, but because I hadn't relied upon them for my nights out, this wasn't an issue, this trip. My husband's folks never wanted to be grandparents, no involvement other than to tell us we did everything wrong. If you want a night out with your husband, call a sitter. Your parents and his raised you both. Plan activities that all of you can enjoy, be inclusive of the grandparents where appropriate, inclusion is the key word. Our kids are now young adults and a high school senior. They have the greatest involvement and love for their grandma and their great grandma. They would do anything to help either of them out and love to spend time with them, talking about their days, their interests. They like to be seen with their grandmas, and even with their parents. The amount of time that you have to 'share' your husband with your kids is so small in comparison to the entire timeline, 25 years will fly by so quick. The occasional cost of a sitter is well worth the expense and will eliminate 'any' chore/obligaton that your accumulative grandparent group might feel.

Well, A., I hate to say it, but your parents are done being parents. As much as we mothers long for our children to have warm cuddly grandparents, not everyone is so blessed. Of course, you would love a night out with your husband alone, I totally understand, but we don't live in a society that values family above their "own" time. It's a sad statement, but one that I have experienced personally and know a lot of others in the same boat. The best advice I can give you is to develop a network of girlfirends with whom you can do babysitting trades. This has worked for me and with some effort, can work for you too.

Best of luck,

B. W

I think you should be thankful that the grandparents do choose to stop by and visit when they can, and not judge them on the level of their involvement. There is no law that says that grandparents have to host sleepovers. You have allowed yourself to believe a stereotype, that there are "typical grandparents". Grandparents are still individuals, with different capacities. Some people just aren't in the space for overnight visits, emotionally or physically or whatever.(maybe they cannot keep up the pace of a 6,3 and 1/1/2 year old for a sleepover)
I don't think you should say anything to them since you have become so angry about it. You do sound like you need a break. You should hire an overnight sitter, or network with a family in your church or social group for the group overnight visit. I don't believe it is the grandparents responsibility to give parents a break from their kids. It is their privilege to get to know those children. Maybe asking just if just one child could come over for a sleepover might be a good compromise. And if you are able to maintain an accepting attitude of their choice of involvement, you will see that trickle down to your kids, and they won't be so "heartbroken".

It is disappointing that the grandparents aren't more interested in being involved and helping you guys out but... That's their business. And honestly, you really don't have a right to push/force the issue. No offense intended, really. I am in the same boat. Try to find a sitter this will help alleviate some of the stress caused by never having any time alone with your husband. That's what we finally did.

I think you're asking too much of your parents. They had their kids. If they don't want to watch yours, that is their choice. Sure they may be missing out on something, but that is their loss. Go find a sitter... the loving grandparent you joke about.

Well, my first reaction is simple- I'll adopt either you or your husband - and there ya' go ( am 63 - a grandma - and miss my grandchildren who lived with me--- along w/ my youngest - their mom- until a year ago) I have a kids' room with a trundle bed - and a funny little hidey hole under the bassement stairs which I made into a kids corner. My grandchildren currently live in Ohio and I miss them so much I weep. Now, that doesn't really solve the problem - . but JEEESSHHHH --- life sometimes seems unbalanced. Lean on your church community- set up baby sitting trades --- ask each set of g'parents what WOULD work for them- I'm so sorry dear heart- it may be that some of the g'parent group are not thinking straight ( you think?) --- I don't hear you saying ''' ok - next week is yours - you get all 3 - for the week'' -- it should be working better - .

Blessings,
lonely G'ma J.

A.,
Same boat here! Your kids are almost the same age, too...

We have one set of grandparents who moved from the next town over to a city three hours away, and never cared to see the kids before the move anyways (my mom-in-law has dementia so she physically/mentally is not capable to boot, which is hard on my father-in-law). My parents moved an hour away (altho they could have moved closer to us), then complain about not being able to see the kids and how far we live away, however, when we do go there (and it's ALWAYS we go there, the road does not run two ways for my mom) they are worn out after only an afternoon with the kids.

It is a frustrating situation to be in. I used to occasionally ask for help from my parents, but then there was the commute and if we left them for an overnight...well, I never heard the end of how tired they were, or that the kids brought over some sickness, etc. This I do not fault them due to age/ill health/not retired, but I just wish they didn't beg to see the kids, then complain-complain-complain.

I have never expected or taken for granted my parents' help, as in daycare or a standing date to get out of the house. I have always been very respectful with polite requests and profuse thanks. It just would be nice to have a family that really saw when you were a little over-tired and pitched in (that's a pipe dream, and never gonna happen!) I am very realistic that we wanted these children, and they are our responsibility 110% of the time. It's my job (best one in the world!) and I will do it proudly, happily, and lovingly! Having a good attitude helps a lot.

As it stands now, my parents see the kids about once or twice a year. That minimizes the stress of the commute for us (again) and the grumbling that we hear (even when they beg to see the kids, the grumbling happens...go figure...) Actually, I think that it minimizes the grumbling, because if they see the kids less...they appreciate them more. I am sorry they miss out on their grandkids growing up, but that's not my main concern.

My best advice is find another mom who will trade nights now and then (don't over-use her, though) or hire a babysitter. I found ours thru my son's school, also have found another one through church.

Hope this helps! All the best to you :)
~ K.

We have the Grandmas come to our house and usually they stay the night. i know not ideal, but we take what we can get. I think it's easier to have them here and i don't get upset when the house is trashed.

A., Although yo may not thing they are"horrible" the grandparents may. Obviously they do not want to take them overnight and it seems not at all. so you are going to have to think of something else to do, find a friend , hire a sitter something like that. It is not the gparents responsiblity to watch the kids nor is it their obligation. I would not say a thing to them because you may end up with the hurt feelings

Hi A.,
I am a mother of 3 daughters. They are all grown up now and starting families of their own. When they were little, my parents would never watch them, There responce to me asking was, "we raised our kids not going to raise the grandkids". I was only asking for (a couple hours of their lives...Gee). After hearing that twice,that stopped me from ever asking again. My in-laws divorced when my husband was a child. My Mother-in-law was a Great Grandma. Though my girls never stayed over night with her. Father-in-law, not a Grandpa type person at all. Not much of a father person either! So my girls never knew the "true" grandparents/grandkids relationship. It's heart breaking I know. I feel for you.If you feel it would help, do talk to the grandparents. You never know, maybe they've just never realized what they're doing...or (not doing)!!
I am a grandma now...WOW I love it. My husband and I have our grandson over as often as possible...and he stays over night with us atleast one night EVERY week. He'll be 3 in Dec. He is the joy of our lives...Hey we will be grandparents to your darlings ha-ha! We will atleast pray for them and you!
Best of luck to you if you decide to talk.
Remember they have the best Grandpa/Father of all...JESUS!

A.,
My husband was wondering if you have tried to split the kids up. Instead of having one set of parents having all three children, put one child with one set of grands and two with another or split up all three. This might be easier for them and may help ease them into liking the idea of giving you two time alone. Also, try to see if they might be willing to watch the kids while you two go grocery shopping. A short amount of watching the kids is better than none at all. Also, grocery shopping isn't all night long. It may be the thought of overnight that could be overwhelming and a task that they aren't able or ready to endure.

We understand your frustration with wanting "adult/alone" time. We had to wait over 5yrs for that. My father in law lives with us but is in poor health, my mother in law (re-married) passed away when our oldest was 2mos old and my parents (divorced, mom re-married) both live out of state. Since my mother in law passed away, her husband hasn't contacted us at all. I have always been the one initiating contact. We finally gave up on him being a grandpa. My FIL loves our boys to tears and does what he can, but basically isn't able to help. My mom loves our boys to tears also and wishes she was closer to us. The great thing about her is that when she visits us, she spends all; and I mean all, her time with them. My dad visits about once every 2-3 yrs and rarely spends time with our boys. I know he would like to do more, but they exhaust him. Both of us have sibblings, but they live hours away. It's frustrating.

Basically my husband and I have friends we depend on to help out. Our oldest is 8yrs and this year is the first time we have been able to get a responsible sitter while we went to a late dinner and auction.

If your family isn't willing to help out then find friends that you can trade sitting time with. I find it wonderful.

I wish you the best and hope that things work out.

You might consider asking them if one child can come at a time. Three might be totally overwhelming. They may even see YOU overwhelmed by them. So, one at a time would allow them to spend quality time with that child. It would allow them to interact in a calmer atmosphere. Don't forget to look at this from all sides, and not just from your perspective of a need to be alone with your husband. Now, you may have friends with multiple kids who would be more willing to trade for an evening, and eventually your kids may have friends who will do overnights. Be willing to think outside the box on this one and work with what you've got. It would be wonderful for your parents to take all the kids for an overnight, but from their perspective, it could be just too much. Split up the kids . . . and best of luck.

My first reaction upon reading your post was to question if you knew how the kids acted overnight at someone else's house (even their grandparents) without you present? I know my children (who are very good sleepers) would be out of sorts sleeping in a new bed without all the sights and sounds of home and mommy to kiss them good night or offer comfort if they wake up in unfamilar surroundings , especially at 3 and 1 years of age. I bet that getting the kids to sleep and keeping them asleep is a real challenge. Have you ever slept over at their house all together to help the transition? Have you ever asked your parents to stay at your house with the kids (so they can have some semblence of routine) and you and your husband get a hotel room or just trade houses??? Or maybe hire someone to babysit overnight at your house? There are so many better ideas for "alone" time with your hubby than upsetting the kids entire routine at these young ages.

One last thought... How well do the grandparents know your children? Its entirely different for your children to be good kids with you present than in any other person's care. Do the grandparents know your cues or discipline words? Do they know the rewards they will respond instantly to? Just not knowing these simple (for us parents) words or techniques could turn a potentially fun time into a nightmare for both kids and caregivers.

I haven't read all the comments, so sorry if I'm repetitive...

I think they are actually good sounding grandparents. I might be reading this wrong, but it sounds like they enjoy spending time with your family, just not at their house. I'm sure it's much easier for them to come to your stomping ground versus having to worry about child-proofing their homes and stressing over what the three kids are getting into and possibly breaking or hurting themselves on. You even said that your boys are typical, rambunctious boys. That might seem normal to you, but maybe it's just too much for them. I'm not trying to say that they are "bad" at all, just more than they can handle at this point in there life.

6, 3 & 1 is a large spread to ask them to watch them all at the same time. They each take different kinds of attention, and unless the 6 yo is good at helping all the time, it could be a real handful. If they aren't used to them day in and day out, it's a pretty tall order to ask them to watch all of them overnight.

I don't think it is actually that common that parents get to leave the kids with grandparents overnight (let alone a weekend) - especially when you're talking about 3 kids. We have three sets of grandparents and we don't have that luxury:
My mom/her husband live in an RV traveling year-round and have babysat for a few hours maybe 2-3 times when they're visiting and we only have one little girl. Only once so we could have a date for our anniversary.
My husband's parents RARELY visit (even though the rest of the grandchildren get much longer visits) and seem to cut their visits shorter each time. Last year they spent 4 total days of driving to come for our daughter's 2nd birthday, to turn around and leave a day early so they could sight-see! They were only here for TWO DAYS -talk about infuriating.
My dad/his girlfriend have recently bought a place up here that is about 45 minutes away. We love having them near now, but it's not like they've ever babysat nor do they even offer. I would LOVE to have her visit overnight, but I don't know if it will happen anytime soon (even though they are set-up for it).

So, my point being, it just might not happen. Here's my advice. First, have a good talk with your parents and your husband do the same with his. Find out why they don't want the kids over (maybe it is what I mentioned above). Ask if they wouldn't mind watching ONE child at a time overnight. That way your children get their special one-on-one time with their grandparents and the grandparents can just focus on having fun and taking care of one specific age group at a time. If they would be willing to do that, then do some planning and have each kid at a different grandparent's house at the same time and get that night off you're looking for! :-)

It seems a little strange for them to be so unwilling to have the kids over... but all grandparents are different. Maybe you could ask each set to take one kid on a particular night (like Tuesday), and ask them like a week in advance. That way they won't feel overwhelmed - I mean, they might be liking their alone time, and suddenly having three kids over might be a little much, whether or not they are good. Maybe taking just one is more manageable. Then, between the three sets of them, voila, your three kids are gone for the night. Also, your parents aren't probably that old if you're only 27. Are they still working? Is it stressful for them to take the kids?

I guess if they are really against it, then don't push it. It's their loss that they aren't getting to spend time with their grandkids. Do you have any sisters or brothers? Maybe that would be something to look into.

Hi A., hang in there and be creative! We had our kids after my sisters had theirs. My parents STILL have my nieces and nephews over, but rarely see my kids. They just kind of got filled up on the 8 grandkids that preceeded mine. My husband and I became grandparents yesterday, and we will hopefully be attentive, but not controlling. We borrow kids a lot while friends whose parents can't/won't take the kids, ie, one family with 4 boys, and one weekend, a family of 9 kids. Well, 10, but we didn't take the baby as she was still breastfeeding. Okay, so one got a broken arm on the trampoline and ended up at the hospital, but the other 8 did great! Ah, fun times. So, your children are alive and well, and there may be friends at church or others you can trade off with. I would like to mention that attitude is important. We did not say things around our kids to indicate that their cousins got favorable treatment from grandparents. If they noticed someone else was staying over and they weren't, we'd tell them they would have a chance when they were old enough, too, and then capitalize on time they DID get with grandparents, and repeat all the fun stuff as with discussing a good movie or book. As adults, our kids attend church regularly, and neither of our children has done drugs, been in legal trouble, drank too much, or had children before marriage as their cousins have. So, we are thankful. Best wishes!

My father did not like little kids. He is not sure what to do with them. He has only had them spend the night once, and it as the older 2, back in the days when I only had 3. I called him up and told him that I could not deal with the kids, and I needed a break before someone got hurt. He took the older 2, I think they where 6 and 3.
My mom died when my oldest was 2. My Father in law died when my husband was 15 and my mother in law died when my husband was 18. His brothers and sisters are not the type to have kids over. And my sisters and brother live out of state.
So we never had anyone that would take our kids.
My second son was "high energy", and when we got to 5 kids, we had trouble finding teens to babysit.

What we did was to adopt a grandparent that would love our kids. We found a gal in church that was willing to be "Grandma" There is nothing wrong with looking for a fill in grandparent. You could call her an anti instead of grandma.

The other thing is rather than asking them to take all the kids, ask the to each take 1 child. This way they can have some one on one time with the kids. And then switch the next time on who gets which child.

Let them know that you need a break as a couple. Sit down and talk with them. You need to be honest and get it all out on the table. Or else you will explode.

My dad now lives next door to me. 2 kids are adults, 2 are in high school, and the baby just turned 12. He still does not do the "grandparent thing". But he is there if we need him to watch the house so we can go away for the weekend. We lift 2 boys home last may so that we could go to the PTA convention. We dropped the 12, and 15 year old off with the 23 year old. The 19 and 17 year olds stayed home. My dad watched the house so that kids did not burn it down.

Hang in there, and keep the lines of communication open.

A.:
I see both sides of the coin. I truly understand wanting to spend time with you hubby but don't be so hard on the grands.
One suggestion that I have is secure a baby sitter at least one night of the month so the two of you can go out and enjoy yourselves. If it's a overnight that you want to share with your hubby - responsible baby sitter - if not ask the grand parents if they would consider taking the children separately.
If they do this it would not be too much of a disruption of their lives. You did not say if the grandparents worked or retired, constant travelers, etc. Are the grandparents newly weds? I don't know if there are typical grandparents. I truly do not know what that is. I would have a honest talk with them to see if maybe the children would be too much for them to handle at any given time. We all love our children and to us they are perfect but unfortunately not everyone feel that way.

We have the same problem. My dad just isn't interested in his two granddaughters and neither is he interested in my nephews or nieces. He just isn't a kid person and his wife is not a loving person at all. My mom is also very self-absorbed and won't watch the kids at all. My husband's mom is sick, and his sister and brother-in-law are only interested in Mom and their cats.

There is nothing you can do except accept them as they are and hire a babysitter. You can ask, but I noticed that a lot of people as they get older and don't have kids, become more and more self-centered and want less and less to do with kids because they get used to having things the way they want with no interference. On top of that, their energy level gets lower and lower, and they can't cope with children any more either.

In spire of their idiosyncracies, I love my parents anyway, chuck the expectations out the window, and pray to God for help, and He gives it in the form of peace. I see people all around me with parental support and help even from people around them that aren't family. I have NO ONE that helps. So, I pray, and God grants me rest in prayer and through times when I can go to the monastery by myself, I can get refreshed. Find time to meet with friends when hubby can watch the kids every week - at least 1 - 2 hours. You may have to find your rest and respite when the kids are in school, and save up for the night out with your husband.

Maybe you can trade babysitting with neighbors. Find activities outside the house that refresh you with the kids, as well as those without. I LOVE biking with my kids. I love my gym.
It's hard, I know, but enjoy the time with your kids. LOVE your kids. You can spend a lot of time with your children and give them all the love they need. No one will love them like you do. The time they are young goes by SO fast and they are grown before you know it. Motherhood is not respected, and that makes our situation even more lonely. You are doing the most important work - NEVER lose sight of that. I can't believe my son is 20! I can't believe my two younger ones are 7 & 9! Pray for God's help. He'll send it in unexpected ways.

God helps most when no other help is available. Pray when you feel like this. Motherhood is the most challenging job in the universe.

God bless.

Hi, I am Nona and I love being a grandparent! We take her all the time. Every time they ask I watch her at their house or mine! i feel sorry for the older people that say they are too old and slow. Children are a gift from GOD!! They need our older wisdom. I think maybe ask if they can watch one for a short time like 3 hours for the youngest and 4 to 5 hours with the older ones. But you can't make someone love doing this. Pray about it you will find an answer.

I also have uninvolved grand parents and I used to be very upset by it but then I realized I couldn't change them. Yes, I want them to be as excited about my kids as I am; but they aren't. My advice to you is to change your expectations of them. Accept that they love the children but do not want to be "hands on". Then, talk to everyone you can to get references for good sitters; because they are out there. You still need time with your husband and your kids will be fine left with one of them.
My sister's in laws watch her son all the time; they are in their 70's and can't really deal so my nephew can do whatever he wants when he is there. This tends to make him a bit bratty after spending a weekend there; so even if grand parents are willing, they may not be able to adequately care for the children.
I would love to tell you that you could do something to change this, but it would be like paddling up stream. Let go of your 'grandparent' expectations and find your own sitter solutions. Love & Light to you, Good Mama!!!

A.,

I would recommend switching for a while and asking a grandparent to take the kids for just a day...early AM to definite time in PM...that way you get time off, kids get grandparents, and grandparents have less need to say no since no overnight is mentionsd.

Of course, I am suggesting this on the premise that the grandparents are local to your family.

Good luck,
T.

You would think the law of averages would get you at least one involved grandparent! Seriously, sorry though. My husband's parents are like that. No phone calls, now participation in the kids' activiites, no sleep overs or babysitting. So, you are not alone. Some people that were even great parents don't make good grandparents.

You need to get out with you hubby and have emergency people in your life. Any connections outside of family? Neighbors? Kid's friends family at school? Maybe check into a mom's group in your area....

It is not easy, but I have let it go. Fortunately, we do have a couple key people that are always there for us and our kids. Maybe check a Senior Center....seriously!! There are so many lonely people that would love the joy of children in their lives, you just have to be cautious but persistant.

Get that date night some how!!!

I think it would be appropraite for you to sit down with your mom, and for your husband to sit down with his mom and ask them if they could not just "watch the grandkids" but give you and your husband a chance for some time together...maybe putting the reason behind why they would be doing it would help. And our grandparents do not live close, so we do share babysitting with a few different friends who also do not have grandparents around. If it comes to it, you could try for that! I am sorry, it sounds incredibly frustrating, and no it is not selfish, it is necessary for you and your husband to get away! Keep on keepin' on!

You and your husband do need time together, but it is not your parents' responsibility to provide it. If they want to spend time with the kids, great! But if not, they are not doing anything wrong. They raised you. you are and adult who made the adult decision to have children. you say family togetherness is vital to you . . . and yet you are seeking time away from your family. If you want more grand parent involvement, suggest activities that involve the kids, the grand parents, and YOU. Not baby sitting and not being involved are 2 different topics all together. So they don't want to babysit, encourage other types of involvement. Remember, family time involves your presence, a date night involves a baby sitter. Choose which one you want and work towards it, but know that they are not the same thing.

Have you asked them what the deal is? It may be somethings simple that can be changed. Some people just don't want to be the typical spoil the kids all the time grandparents. They may feel that this is their time to do what they want and be free of responsibility, or that they have done the kid thing already. Talk to them and ask them if there is a way that it would be easier for them to take the kids and if they just don't want the overnight thing, find a friend or a substitue grandma that will take the kids overnight or for a long period of time. Lots of people are able to sit for you for long hours, just not overnight.

I am so very sorry for your situation. It is a hard one, and I know because my parents are the same way. I have three kids as well, and they only have one set of Grandparents. It is heartbreaking that they have very little to with the kids. I have always wanted my parents to WANT a special relationship with my kids, but unfortuantely you cannot force it. I know my parents love and care about my kids, and even though I want more, perhaps it will never happen. I think if we try and force the parents to do more with them, or even make them feel guilty about it (whether it is intentional or not) it will just cause more tension in the relationship. I wish I had some good advice for you, but what I have learned is that you should make the best of the time they spend with them, no matter how little. If you want a night out, find a great babysitter. That is what my husband and I had to do. We have no expectations anymore, so what time my paretns do spend is enjoyed and we are greateful for it.

A.,
I am a grandma and I love it. I too have remarried and am very lucky because my husband loves being grandpa too. It is hard at times, being older than when I had my kids it takes more time and lots more clean up when we have the kids around. We have two grandsons 7 and 9 years. They are busy and it helps because my husband does alot of guy stuff with them. He has no kids of his own so that also makes it easier. Maybe if you start by asking them to take them for a couple hours to start with and have something for them to do to help keep them busy if the grandparents need a little break. I think once they get into it they will love it. If they could feel the love from the little ones it's hard to say no. It is easier as they get older. But we have always let them know what we expect and what our rules are. It really helps because my dauther tells them that they are to mind and go by our rules when they are with us. Sometimes grandparents have not so child prof homes and they need to know that the kids will respect that. I hope this helps a little. I love being grandma and they are really missing out not spending more time with them, they grow up sooooo fast!
Good luck, Grandma T

Hi A., I'm 45 yo and I'm a mom of 5 years old. It is not the love, it is the energy. All our grand-parents are 5000 miles or 10 000 miles away. This is one of the reasons that we will have just one kid, no help. I'm a member of a baby-sitting coop and that was a great help. And yes, when I do a sit, even only 3 kids (all the kids in the coop are good), even for 2-3 hours, that can soak all my energy out. May be you should ask the grandparents to take just one kid at a time. 3 kids might be too much for them and you are talking for sleep over. Talk to them, show some understanding, you can even ask them which one they would like try with first. I know from friends that when you have 3 or 4, if someone takes just one of them for a while it still makes a difference. Good luck!

A.,

I hear ya loud and clear in this department (I have three children as well 9,2 1/2, and 6mo.). However, my husbands parents are the only ones alive. So are options are limited. I get so frastrated with my in-laws. Not that they would not take my kids if we asked. But it would only be for a couple of hours. We have never pushed it. They have never offered to take our boys and rarely see them. The kicker is that only live about 10 minutes away.
It is frustrating to see my aunt be so hands on with her grandkids. She has helped me out on several occasions with my children. I watch one of my cousins durning the week and to help her daughter out she takes and picks up her grandson from me. Talk about envy..If my mother were alive she would be around as much as my aunt. It's quite sad because our kids don't even know their own biological grandparents. I think since my youngest son was born, they have come to see him a handful of times.
Not for lack of trying.. My husband has expressed how he wants them to be a HUGE part of childrens life. We want them to know their only grandparents and at this rate they never will. It has not been long since my mother passed away and you would have thought they would have stepped in and be the grandparents all children should have.
Ok here I am venting as well. You are not alone and I love to read that I am not as well.
The idea of breaking the children up for the night is a fabulous idea. That is something you should consider.
Good luck..

A.,

I can identify with your situation, but my family has a slightly different twist. My partner's parents live across the country. We see them once every three years or so. They like for us to visit for a week at a time, but NEVER offered to watch our son so we could go out alone, or even take a nap. NEVER. My dad and his wife life in central Oregon and claim they are "just sick" over not seeing our son, but never come to visit. (My sisters and their sons live in the same town, so I imagine they are getting their grandson fix met!:)) and my own mother is so toxic that all of my siblings and I had to cut her off from seeing any of us.

So, we are kind of in the same boat; no real grandparents around to watch our children grow up.

It's kind of sad, but we have accepted that these are THEIR choices, not ours, and we can't control other people. What we have decided to do is to foster the best POSSIBLE relationships between each of the functioning sets of grandparents and our son. That means, on our end, sending photos and being available when their interest arises. I send my in-laws pictures and cards every few months or so with updates of how our their grandson is growing. We have figured out that they will be wonderful grandparents via the postal service and they will do their best to engage him with we visit. (Little kids are messy and loud, which is not their cup of tea. Distance works better.) My dad and his wife like to spend a little "alone" time playing with him when we get together, but not too much, as little kids do tend to wear them out.

My advice to you would be to figure out how to capitalize on what each set of grandparents CAN offer. Would one set of them be be willing to take a trip with your family, staying in separate hotel rooms from the kids? Can you organize outings? As I've mentioned, my parents openly admit that kids just tire them out. Perhaps your sets of parents feel the same way, but are ashamed to admit it? (This requires admitting that we are getting older, not a pleasant thing to ponder for some of us!) Kids are exhausting at times. No matter what the reason, if the grandparents have dug their heels in about not wanting to watch the kids, respect it. Even if you don't agree with the reasons. And see if you can organize a trade with another family for child care.

One other thing that could be a pat answer is that when the kids ask to spend the night, just let them know that Grandpa and Grandma are "come visit" people, not "sleep-over party" people. It lets the kids know that it's not personal, and that different levels of engagement are acceptable. This is also a good answer to the questions that may arise about why "Timmy always spends the nights at his grandma's. Why don't I?" Making the grandparent's preference a part of their personality and not a response to your children will protect your kids from feeling rejected. And that's our most important job of all in a situation like this one.

My other suggestion is to find older people in your church who would appreciate the company of your kids. Maybe there's an older woman who wants to babysit? My own grandma was very much that type of person. Sometimes older men love to teach the younger ones a new craft, like building a birdhouse or a model. Thinking creatively about finding an older set of "Big Brother/Big Sister" types may foster your children having meaningful experiences with older folks who are open to the opportunity. These relationships can be very fulfilling for both parties, so I wouldn't hesitate to reach out and forge some new relationships in your community. Having your entire family engage in a caring and helpful relationship with older people can create your children will treasure in the years to come. Just make sure, in your heart, that what you are looking for is more than a babysitter. If not, then just pay for a babysitter. Be genuine in whatever you choose to do.

My best wishes to you and your family.