Grandparents Involvement

I am a gma, and I LOVE being one. Iam very involved. I grew up with a set who lived in town and were less active than the one who lived thousands of miles away, so I know what you are talking about. There are people who don't have a clue or desire to be with a child, and will do fine with an older one. Too bad she is a loser. All you can do is tell it like it is. When people oooo and ah, say thankyou, when they say she must be wonderful gma, say that she loves to show pics. Personally, I would stop with the pics. Do you invite her over? Does she have a chance for 1 on 1? maybe several are too much for her. Try and ask if one can stay while you go to the store. If that is no, treat her like an aquaintance.

S.: The way I see it, is that you need to change the way you are looking at the situation. You have a grandparent that lives close by, leaves small gifts for your children, cares about the grandchildren, goes to their special events and speaks highly of them to friends. Wow!! You have lots more then many people have. As for sleepovers....big deal. As a parent, I prefer my children at home with me at night. If you change your mindset and accept grandma for who she is and not what you want her to be, you will be much happier. We cannot change people, but we can change how we accept them. Good luck.

S.,

So sorry to hear how disappointed you are. Your husband does have a point though. If you keep comparing her to your grandparents, you will continue to be disappointed. Just as you are not the same parent as those you had, she is a unique person and not what you had in mind as the grandma for your children.

It sounds as if she has made her boundaries or limits known though. You mentioned that she doesn't want grandchildren as overnight guests. But rather than be so upset about this, try to accept that she had the sense to let you know that. She is involved though as you mentioned that she does go to their events at school. Not all grandparents do that.

If this bothers you so much, perhaps you could find an older person (neighbor, fellow church member, or even an aunt or uncle) who would enjoy spending more time with your children and someone they could make special memories with. They could be a sort of surrogate grandparent to them. This may help fill the void you are feeling and give your children a positive influence from someone outside the household.

I hope you find a way to accept this and fill the void. Also, accept Grandma for who she is. A person once said "expect NOTHING and you will never be disappointed". Once you lower your expectations of Grandma, you may be surprised at how happy you are when she does drop a gift by or come to a school program.

I would not say anything to her. You are upset, but she isn't. You can't change who she is and you can't make her want something she doesn't. There are bound to be hurt feelings if you tell her. The best thing to do is to leave it alone and let her come around on her on. Maybe as the kids get older, she'll want them to come, but I would not force it.

I hate to say it, but I think your husband is right. "It is what it is". My husband's mom has lived on the same road as us for over 20 years - she drives by our house every time she goes to town - and she has been in my house maybe 6 times. My boys NEVER went to her house without us, never spent the night with her, she never came to their birthday parties, soccer games, or even high school graduations. She has never bought them a birthday or christmas present, and has no pictures of them on her walls or in her purse (even though I gave her pictures) My own parents lived about 8 hours away and my kids saw them at least twice a year for a week at a time and even went and stayed with them. I tell you all this to make this point: you can't change who the woman is. At least your kids'
grandma comes to their events, which is better than nothing. And she buys gifts for them, which means she is thinking of them. At some point you just need to explain to your kids that grandma is not too good at being around kids but she still loves them and shows it in the only ways she knows how. Try and love her for who she is and not be mad about who she is not. That's all you can do.

Don't stress too much over it. She has laid the law down about not being a built-in baby sitter and that the children are not welcome to stay over. Be up front and honest about her relationship with the children. When the children ask if they can go spend the night with Grandma, just tell them that Grandma does not deal with kids very well anymore and, while she loves them, she does not want to have to be responsible for them overnight. (It is probably best that way.)

As for people on the street commenting how wonderful it must be to have Grandma around to help out ... Be just as honest with them.
"She does love the children but she's not really the hands-on type. She's more of a cards and letters kind of Grandma."

And, as far as her suggesting YOU and your family should switch churches, Let her know, in no uncertain terms, you are at peace in your present church and, if that leaves her with some discomfort, perhaps SHE should think about finding another church family.

It sounds as though Grandma has a behavioral problem. Perhaps she thinks she's too young to be a grandmother. Perhaps she knows she is too short tempered and lacking in patience. Or maybe she just wants the glory of the Grandma status without the burden of responsibility. In any case, her mental state is not right. She is playing both sides of the field.
"I don't do grandchildren so don't expect me to be around to babysit for you."
"Look at my beautiful, beautiful grandchildren."

Leaving gifts on the doorstep is tacky and tasteless. The next time she does so, return it to her. Let her know that you would be happy to have her come to dinner and present the gifts to the children herself, but, in the future, you do not want packages left on the doorstep. Time to start taking control.

I agree with your husband that you just need to accept her as is. You can start praying that her heart changes and she desires more from her relationship with her grandchildren. I have a friend that became a mother when she was young, her oldest child now has a child. She loves and dotes on her grandchild but really has no desire to be the built in babysitter or to just have the grandkids drop by. She feels that she has spent all of her adult life taking care of children and now is here time to do as she would like without having to worry about taking care of the grandkids. My aunt lives 2 doors down from her daughter. When her older grandkids were young, she also was younger, the kids would just come down anytime. Now she is in her 70's and her daughter expects her to treat the grandchildren who are under 10 the same way she did with the others who are now all adults. My aunt said she is just tired and loves the kids but she is always saying she is just too old for having kids underfoot all the time.

Would your MIL fit into any of these situations? If she does then you just need to accept that she is being the best grandparent she can be. God Bless and Good Luck

I was born with only one grandparent living (beside us in the country 'across the creek') and he was 80 when I was born. I am now a grandmother myself and can't imagine anyone not wanting to be involved, but to each his/her own, I guess . . .

I'm assuming that this is your husband's mother . . . Right?

It seems that you have the opposite problem that the majority of 'close-by' daughters-in-law have. Most complaints (I think) come about interfering or two-faced mothers-in-law who make life hard on their families.

I wouldn't make excuses for her. Let the kids ask her themselves and let her give her own reasons. And as long as she's telling others how wonderful your kids are, just appreciate that! It could be that she was telling others what a rotten mother YOU are, I guess! EEK!

I agree with your husband. Accept her for who she is and get over it. Tell your children the truth. Your grandmother loves you, but she does not want you to spend the night at her house. Don't make up excuses. Don't pass judgement over her because she doesn't want to do it. Just state the facts.

I have to say I agree with most of the other responses saying that Grandma just is who she is. It is understandable that you are disappointed because as mothers, we get an image of how things should be for our children and it is disappointing when that image doesn't materialize. Your feeling about Grandmother may never change, but for your own sanity, accept the relationship she has with your children. As others have said, if the kids don't hear you say it is an "unusual" way for a grandparent to behave, they won't know the difference.

People are hard to understand. When I was growing up, my parents were generous with material things, but very "selfish" with their time. Being the youngest child, they were tired of parenting and never did anything with me. However, when their grandchildren came along, I'd never see two more attentive, "hovering" people in my life. Maybe it is because they are retired and have the time now, who knows. I am grateful that my children are benefiting from the life change in them. I have had both sets of grandparents tell me that at their ages (60's) it is hard physically to keep up with 3 grandchildren and after a day, they are exhausted and can't take anymore. I try keeping that in mind and I do understand.

Listen to your husband! You can't judge her by your own grandparents, she's a different person and has lived a different life. The children will accept it, they don't know any different and won't judge her if you just tell them ahead of time that while she loves them, she just doesn't like anyone spending the night.

That said, you are not bound by the fantasy world she lives in. No one 'needs to know' the truth of your relationship as some sort of big issue. But certainly you should feel free to admit if someone mentions it that you do wish your children had that relationship.

If you are really concerned, then ask her about it. But in your letter you mentioned telling her how hurt YOU are. Maybe ask yourself first why you feel hurt over this, and does it really bother the kids, or is it just you that it bothers?

Your husband is right. You can't change others...only your reactions to them. Explain to your children that sometimes family members don't want to be involved. That a real world experience for them to learn. And explain that they did nothing to warrant this behavior. She has a tendency to do these things. It's her choice. As such focus on the blessings that you have and refrain from lamenting the losses. It is her loss ultimately and she is choosing to do it.

God bless,
C.

I'm sorry your children have this emotional distance from your MIL. I adore my six grandchildren! I am a younger grandma, but I am having health problems and must have them stay over less often than in the past. It breaks my heart.Perhaps your MIL has an issue she hasn't told anyone about.
Have you asked your husband what she was like when he was growing up? Perhaps she was not able to be a close, demonstrative mother, either. Perhaps she has a hair trigger and is afraid of hurting or alienating the children if she is around them too much. It kind of sounds like she is afraid of the kids for some reason, but truly loves them. I would try a one-child-both-parents visit to grandma. Perhaps that way she would feel safe enough to get to know them, one at a time. It will take more effort from you and hubby, but may be well worth a try.

Bless you and your family in this struggle.

I feel your personal pain S. W. as well as the children, however, I do agree with your husband. I'd like to think that this has nothing to do with the family per se. Grandma knows who she is and has been quite honest and up front in telling all her children what she will not do nor have. I would suggest that you love her unconditionally and wave hello and goodbye at church, special events at school and family functions. Perhaps in time she will be ready to have the grandchildren to herself! I wish you all the best. Grandmother in NC!!!

hate to say it but hubbys right you need to just let this go. she sounds to be one of thoes grandmas who has done her time and is done with kids. some are just like that and their is nothing you can do. take her for how she is but dont talk bad about her infront of the kids who knows it may change over time. good luck

Thoughts off the top of my head re your description of your disapproval and frustration with one of your kids' grandmother: She seems to present two faces: One is public, in which she has the need to convince others that she's "the model grandparent" (not much actual "family relationship work" involved here, but a lot of approval from those NOT IN THE KNOW, which apparently she needs); the other, true one: a disinerested, indifferent, cool grandparen causing much frustration to her family. Unfortunately, it appears she needs to be more highly thought of by outsiders than by her own family HOWEVER did you ever consider that she believes it to be far more of a commitment and work to be the loving, perfect Grandma you and your kids would like her to be, and for some reason she just isn't willing to extend herself to be what you expect or, probably just as imporant, may not be capable of it. I think your husband is right when he tells you "this is who she is" and not to expect her to change. You are fortunate, however, in that your kids' other set of grandparents are so loving, especially considering their health issues and distance from your home. Your best bet may be to try to explain, in simple, non-judgmental terms, to your kids how she is, and to treat her graciously and courteously despite her shortcomings.

HI S.,

Unfortunately, I think your husband is right. You just have to accept his mom for what she is. You didn't mention how old your children are. Eventually, they will figure it out for themselves. I definitely would not lie to them to make her look good. She does not deserve it and that makes you a liar. It is unfortunate that she portrays herself to others as the "perfect" grandparent, which to me shows that she does have some emotional problems - these are not your problems, however. I would not let her influence your life - your church, etc. I would let her know that the children want to spend more time with her. I would also let her know that you will not lie to cover up for her, either. I wouldn't bother trying to make her look bad to others by being honest when they praise her, they probably wouldn't believe you anyway and it would be a waste of time. You mention that her health is currently good, it will not always be this way and she will be alone when she has been aloof with everyone who cared about her. If you really want her in your life, I would mention this. If not, I would just move on and enjoy the grandparents who truly wish to spend time with your children. They will have very fond memories of them and your mother-in-law will eventually get what she deserves. Sorry, if this sounds kind of harsh, but I don't think you should beat your head up against a brick wall trying to make someone into something they're not and have no desire to be. It's a waste of your time which could be spent on better things. It's not your fault. Best wishes. L.

Hi S.,
I am a grandma/nana and love spending time with my grandkids.

I would talk to her and find out why she is the way she is. Ask her to explain to your kids why she doesnt do things with them or let them spend the night. If your not comfortable doing this then maybe you should do as your husband suggest and just except her the way she is.

Your kids will know how she is when they get older. They see and remember more things than adults think they do.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

We lived several hundred miles away from both sets of grandparents, so we didn't have the opportunity to be close to either set (we saw them once a year for a week; but sometimes my dad's parents would come visit). Your mother-in-law kinda sounds like my Grandmother (my mom's mother). She was very proud of her children's and grandchildren's accomplishments -- bragging over any award, piano recital, etc. that we got -- she and her neighbors were constantly playing the "my grandchildren are better than your grandchildren" game. But she was not very involved in our lives, nor showed much emotion or attachment. But that was just her personality. She was distant and reserved -- for whatever reason (in her case, perhaps that her mother died when she was 6, and was too scared to *be* a good mother?) -- and that was just normal for us. (Our other grandparents were also rather reserved and "old school" so we didn't really see any contrast between the two sets -- that was just the way grandparents were.)

I agree with your husband -- his mom may be able to make small changes, but there is no magic wand to change her into your loving, doting grandparents. And that's okay. Accept her bragging to her friends and leaving gifts as the way she shows love, and accept that she is to uncomfortable (for whatever reason) in being more demonstrative. She very likely had some great deal of hurt in the past which is making her unable to act like you wish. Accept; forgive; move on. Explain to your children that when Grandma comes to their school plays, she is showing that she loves them. Teach them that different people respond in different ways, and your parents are very lovey-dovey and demonstrative of affection, while his mom shows her love and affection in a different way. Don't teach them that their grandma is inferior to their other grandparents -- just different.

Maybe she's just scared that something will go wrong -- a child will get hurt -- if they spend the night with her. Maybe she thinks the kids will be too rough with her furniture. Maybe she just likes her peace a bit too much. She may have some other emotional issues, and it's just easier keeping her grandchildren at arm's length, rather than facing the real problem.

You may wish to gently explain to her that your children would like to see her more, and ask if there is anything you can do that would make it easier for her to see them. Perhaps if you phrase it in terms of, "is there anything wrong?" or some other question, you can open up a dialog that will be mutually beneficial. But don't hold your breath -- you know the cliché about "old dogs and new tricks" -- well, your mother-in-law has had several decades of being the way she is, and it may take another decade to see any great change, if she ever changes.

My husband and I have VERY uninvolved grandparents for our children, so I understand where you are coming from. It's heartbreaking at times. We have discussed it many times, and we vent about it occasionally. However, we have just chosen to mourn the loss of the grandparents we WANTED for our children and try to accept the grandparents they do have. My kids are thrilled with their grandparents, but eventually, they will see them for who they are. It's definitely interesting, but it's also sad!

S.,
She is obviously very proud of them, and supportive. But, was she that kind of a mother? She is not going to change, and really, you should be thankful she is not overboard. many Grandma's living that close would be in your face all the time. She sounds like she has a busy life and perhaps is a bit selfish to not make time for her grandchildren, but.. it could be extreme to the other way. Dont let it get to you.. it is her loss, and letting it bother you, could affect your relationship with your husband. That is not worth it. Let her be the best she can be, and try to accept it.

Hi S.,

I'm sorry that you feel sad about this...unfortunately, people do not always live up to our expectations and you sound very dissapointed. Is this Grandma you husband's mother?? If so I would let him talk to her. When my first two sons were born I asked my Mother-in-law for help one day a week. She flat out refused and said that she didn't want to be tied down to any schedule and that "she had already raised her children." I was very upset!!! But now I realize that this was the realtionship she wanted and the boys see her a few times a year(she lives now out of state). They still love her! I think you need to respect her boundaries and it sounds like she does spend some time with them(you mentioned she does occassionally babysit). Also, have you considered that the reason she may not want them to spend the night is that she just isn't(physically) up for it? She also may be afraid if she makes seeing the children an open door policy that you will expect her to help all the time. Maybe she just doesn't want that responsibility at this point in her life(and you may not when you are her age either (:!!!)

I would try to keep a good realtionship with her and your children...they will benefit from it even if it wasn't as active as yours was with your grandparents. Be careful not to inflcit your feelings about her on your children...it's still their Grandma!!

Good luck!!! N.

It is difficult to accept when our expectations of a person are not what we thought. I think it is really important to respect that Grandma is limited (for whatever reasons) in the involvement of your children.

Silver Lining-
She is a person who recognizes her limitations and has expressed them clearly. Rather than taking on your children out of guilt & something tragic happening, she has been clear and sticks to her comfort zone.

Homework-
This is an opportunity for you to examine your own feelings and work your heart around the situation and find a perspective that allows you to feel good bout what you DO have in the relationship. It is what it is & you really can not change people's feelings. You CAN change your perspective. You can recognize her limitations & be thankful for the small things she is able to do, such as surprises on the porch - really that is loving gesture.

Your children do not have the same expectations or relationship as you do with Grandma. But they will surely pick up on your negative feelings if you put them put there.

My own mother chooses the particulars in her life over my children. It took me a few years to work that one out for my self. My conclusion: My mother, without a doubt, LOVES my kids (and me). She does have personal limitations that I do not understand, but I have decided to recognize and honor that & that has given me the freedom to be more open to what she can give in the way of a relationship with my children. In the end, we get a little more because I am able to let go of how it "should" be.

It takes time & patience, but in the end you will be letting your kids have their relationship with Grandma without your issues attached to it. They will get more in the end & that's what we want for them, right?

Take a lot of deep breathes. Acceptance is hard work.

P. : )

My kid's grandmother's are both that way. Your husband is probably right. Unless he wants to confront her since she is his mother, there is probably nothing you can do. Wait till the kids are a bit older and let them ask her why they can't spend the night. Soon she won't be able to give them excuses, they won't buy it. Be glad she does see them, my mom doesn't even see my kids but once every 6 mos and she lives 25 mins away. Sometimes it is best if they are in or out, not both!

When your kids want to spend time with Grandma, I suggest you say, "It's fine with me, but you'll have to ask Grandma if it's ok with her." She can make her own excuses. Of course you may still need to be there to clean up the mess she leaves in her wake (the hurt feelings your kids might have), but at least it lets you off the hook about feeling like you have to make excuses for her. Another possible bonus: maybe if she sees for herself how much the kids want to spend time with her, it might possibly affect her opinion on the issue.
As for the gifts left on the stoop... that's just plain childish. You could choose one of three responses. 1) Tell her that you didn't receive any gift. A couple of "missing" gifts might stop that pattern. 2) Tell her honestly how and why it bothers you. What's the worst that happens if you speak your mind? 3) Accept the idea that "it is what it is" and let it go.
Sounds like the woman has some real issues, but things could be worse. Just keep in mind that you choose how much you're going to let HER issues affect YOUR outlook.
Good luck to ya!

Truly everyone is different, and this is the way she is, and you need to accept it, and stop being bitter - that is only hurting you and the kids.

My grandparents that lived down the street were the exact same way. We saw them about as often as we saw the other grandparents who lived 300 miles away (a couple of times a year), and frankly, my parents didn't make a deal of it, and I didn't think much of it growing up. That's just the way it was. We still felt loved by them, and enjoyed our infrequent visits, but were certainly never babysat by them, nor stayed the night or any such thing. My mom tells of a time when I was little and asked if I could go home with them after they visited us. They drove me around the block then brought me back home.

They raised 5 children (many years ago; Grandma is 90 now) and my parents had children later in life, so they (grandparents) were retired as long as I can remember, and they just weren't interested in being around small children much. That's ok. That's their preference and they have the right. They still loved us and gave us gifts and acknowledged birthdays and all that. My mom never thought much of them (her inlaws) so perhaps that was part of the reason for the distant relationship, but ultimately, again, that was their choice, and my parents didn't make a deal of it, so we didn't either.

I would definitely think of something to stop the kids from asking to stay the night with Grandma, as it's not going to happen and they need to know that and stop getting their feelings hurt by it. Just be matter of fact, and not disparaging. Perhaps "Grandma doesn't do sleepovers; please don't ask any more." Giving them excuses is essentially lying to them, and setting them up for further, unnecessary disappointment. Tell them the minimal truth: "Grandma doesn't do sleepovers, but she does go to your _______ events".

I understand your frustration but I need to remind you that they are not her children. She has raised hers. Contrary to people's beliefs, grandparents are not obligated to take children overnight, babysit, spend time with the children alone, etc.... Both sets of my children's grandparents do not take them overnight, babysit or anything and I do not expect them to. The only time they see them is with me and/or my husband present. They do see them frequently but they do not spend time alone with them in any way. When I had my children, I did not want them to feel like they had to be held to overnights, babysitting, etc. I knew they were my children and it was my responsibility. I don't think your children would mind if they don't see it bother you so much. My children don't even notice that they don't spend the night with their grandparents because it has never been a issue.

I have to say I agree with your husband. It sounds like Grandma is doing what she can she stay connected to her grandchildren...it's not in everyone to fulfill the ideal. I would rather my children feel loved by surprises on the front porch than feel like they are a burden during overnnight visits that grandma didn't want. Also, it is entirely possible Grandma isn't physically or mentally up to the task of caring for children overnight and is too proud to admit to her limitations. I would explain that she loves them and shows them in the ways she knows best and that she just doesn't feel equipped for overnnight visits. My mom is sort of like your "grandma." We see her very rarely, she NEVER babysits my kids, but often buys presents and talks about how she can't wait to see them again. When we're there she is short-tempered and it's obvious the visit needs to be brief. I decided that I wouldn't let her hurt me or the kids so I just explained that she loves them but she's not as good at showing it as their other grandma is. Everybody is different. So far that explanation has sufficed. Hope this helps, I know it stinks.