Grandparents and Favoritism

My husband's family is the same way. The give more attention to my neice cause she was the first born. I do not think that is right. They should all be treated equal. When my SIL was pregnant they paid for everything. They bought them a beautiful crib and dresser, a beautiful wood changing table, paid for her baby shower, and bought their travel stroller. When we were having our daughter all they bought use was a thermometer and a few outfits. My husband was so hurt that they did not help us. MY parents did everything for us. We were given a crib and a friend was with a charity that gave us 37 boxes of diapers. Which helped out alot. My BIL has a great job and can afford to buy these things himself, where we cannot. So it hurt. What really got to me is we had alot of the diapers left over and were saving them for when we have our second ( which is the end of this month). When my SIL became pregnant with her son my FIL had the gall to tell me to give the diapers to them so that THEY can save money. I ended up lying to him and told him that we got rid of them cause they didn't stick anymore. Why should I give them to my in laws? I get so tired of everything being about my husbands brother. What about us?
So if I were you I would have the conversation with them. Don't let your daughter loose out on her grandparents cause they are stubborn. Best of Luck!

This is a setup for disaster and you and your husband understand the need to st down with them (just the four of you) and explain how this relationship is going to be handled:

You want the very best for your children, yourselves and grandparents. That said, you have established their role as grandparents; your role as parents and the children's role as the grandchildren.

Both children will be treated equally in terms of time spent with their grandparents. If there are gifts involved, they will be for both children and of equal value.

The children will be treated with the same respect and any communication to them suggesting one is better/more valuable/favorite, will be responded to by their parents and will have consequences.

The grandparents have selected their replacement for their grown son and this is unacceptable. They will not control this young male as they did with his father because his father is going to make that crystal clear.

Love to have the family together as a nurturing unit. Now that everyone understands their roles, let's go forward to give the grandchildren and yourselves a lifetime of wonderful memories with their grandparents.

They will either join this circle or fight it like selfish control freaks filled with bitter finger pointing and blame. The later is a toxic relationship that will cut and divide. Your husband cannot make his parents love but you and he can set limits, like the adult parents you have become. Sometimes we have to protect out own children from toxic relatives.

I think next time hubby takes a phone call from them and they mention "Their boy" he should explode "Why do you hate my daughter?" and put them on the spot.

He could sound really hurt and dismayed. They might be honest if the are put in the hot seat the right way and feel guilty. If they have time to prepare they many never say.

You are worried about hurting their feelings when yours are hurt right now? Tell them politely that you have two kids and if they would like to see them both, then come on over.

While they are there show the scrapbook and say, wish you were in more pictures with your granddaughter, how can we fix that?

We had the opposite problem, my MIL has 2 sons, and I recently gave birth to her second grandson. Throughout my pregnancy she would make comments about wanting a granddaughter ("so and so's daughter is having a little girl, all I get is boys."). I don't think she realized she was doing it, but it really upset me. She even had the nerve to tell me when I was 5 months pregnant that a boy "was fine, as long as you try again for a girl". My brother in law apparently told her off during my labor and she hasn't uttered a word about girls since. And she's crazy about my son. In my case, I truly don't think she realized she was doing it, perhaps this is the way your inlaws are as well. If your MIL is super sensitive, I would be prepared for drama no matter how delicately you approach it. Maybe presenting it as concern for when your daughter is old enough to realize they seem more interested in "their boy" then her? Good luck, this is definitely a sticky situation.

I would talk to them about it. It might be something they aren't doing on purpose and just don't realize it. However I wouldnt accuse them of playing favorites either maybe just say you've noticed they don't spend as much time with your daughter and you would really like her to know them better

when i had my oldest daughter my ex mil was all about! my ex husband was an only child so she went baby girl crazy! Fast forward 2 years and Im giving birth to our middle child, another girl, suddenly "grandma" doesnt like babies! when she came to visit she focused entirly on Madison and totally ignored Abbe! She forgets Abbes birthday, this is the first time in 2 years she has even called her and she never gets a present or a card and Madi always does! Lets fast forward again, 5 years and Im giving birth to our son, "grandma" looks at us and says, im not excited about boys, I raised mine already. My son is 14 months old and has seen his "grandma" once for 30 seconds and has never received a gift from her. Her son left me half way through my pregnancy and kicked my kids and I out of our house with no job and little money. You think she ever once called to see if he needed diapers or wipes or if she could help with school cloths for even Madison whom she just loves so much! ok sorry, I started ranting. Now that my girls are 7 and 6 they know grandma has a favorite and Abbe doesnt like her and Madison doesnt like her cause she hurts Abbe! I told my ex husband I bite my tongue for a long time but I wont be doing it anymore, Madison birthday is in a few weeks and we just had Abbe's last month and Xanders the month before and neither of them got so much as a card so if Madi gets anything its going back! Favoritism isnt tolerated anymore! I couldnt imagine my grandma ever playing favorites with my sis and cousins!

I would let your husband talk to them, they are his parents (ok for the two of you to do so but try to let him take the lead). I would think that when they say "to see that boy of ours" I would say something like "only if you are coming to see our girl too". If you do chose to have a chat with them, try to do it when your son is not there or at least not in the room. Let them know that you "are sure they don't mean to, but it comes across that they are only interested in their grandson and don't seem to notice they have a granddaughter". It could be that he's older and/or your son may remind them of their son....not that it makes it right because it doesn't but it may explain it.

I get this feeling too with my oldest who is also 3. I don't think they generally do it on purpose, but even from the get go when I was in the hospital having my 2nd, they chose to stay home with my 3 yr old, and came to the hospital for maybe 10 mins. They sent my parents over, which was nice so they sat and hung out for a good couple of hours, we then called my inlaws and thought they might want to come back for another visit. They didn't.
Granted my MIL was with me when I delivered my first (this was not her or my intention it just happened that way) so I often wonder if she just has more of a connection with my oldest.
We haven't spoken with her directly, but we often suggest taking my 2 yr old for a couple hours so I can go shopping with, get a haircut, doctors appointments or whatever with my 3 year old. That way my 2 yr old (who is definitely more temperamental than my first) can get more one on one time with grandma & grandpa, and then when we get back my older gets some time with them too!
Whenever they ask about my 3 yr old I always say "yes he's doing xyz & brother is also doing xyz" Passive aggressive maybe, but they seem to get it because they always seem to then also ask about him! It is getting better tho' now that my 2 year old is talking more, and is more engaging with them, and its not all about 'mommy'!
My suggestion would to first approach them with a hey next time you come down can you help us out with your youngest for a couple hours while I take the 3 yr old to xyz. Your husband can even stay so as not to totally blind side your one year old. See if they go for it, if they don't then you can gently lead into the part where you feel she's being left out! If they do go for no worries take what you can, it might also give them a chance to see what they are missing.

I sure hope this helps ;)

are you sure they are referring to your son and not your husband? Just playing devil's advoacte :) Best of luck!

I post this a lot, not sure how it is taken mind you.

They don't realize they are doing it and when it is pointed out they become offended because they really don't think they are doing it.

My oldest was the chosen one. He, and all my kids, have know it since they were very young. He even went so far as to point it out to his grandparents. He said that it makes him feel bad that they don't treat his little sibs the way he is treated. They laughed at him and said he doesn't understand. He was 18 at the time so don't think they are so evil as to laugh at a child.

The best you can hope for is helping your kids understand that it has nothing to do with loving each of them. That it is just how they are. It is bad enough that they can tell they treat one differently, it is far worse to think that equals level of love.

The other thing is don't try to hide it. There is nothing worse than realizing you are treated different and then have your parents tell you it is all in their head.

My husbands family is like that. I don't get it, but that is how they are. Him and his brother were somewhat split up at some point, my husband went with his dad and his brother with his mom. His brother has the oldest grandchild, a boy. The mother adores him and took him on every summer. She helped them buy a house, she payed for the first grandson's sports and I am sure a lot more I don't know about.

Our daughter is the second grandchild and the mother told my husband boys are more fun. She sees our daughter one to two times per year. Once for her birthday party (3 hours) and maybe another time as they pass through from their summer trip. We even hear they were in town via the ol' Freudian Slip every so often. Our daughter is very well spoken, I hear it ALL the time from other people and his mother says she can finally carry on a conversation with her and understand her (she is 5).

Now the brother had a second child and it is a boy and his boy at that and I was sure she would favor him, but she doesn't. She hardly knows him.

Not much you can do. My husband has tried to say something here and there and she doesn't acknowledge any of it.

I know you've gotten tons of responses on this and they all have great ideas. I understand that your Mother n LaW is senstive. I have a Mother that is very sensitive. I have found being upfont and honest has worked much better then trying to drop hints.
They may not realize they are acting like they are and if they do, then it's up to you to tell them its not OK. When all is said and done the goal and job as a parent is to protect all of your kids from the "elements" or the people around them Unfotunately, sometimes tha includes people that we are closest to and don't want to upset.
In my case, after she got over the hurt feelings.. She realized our point and got over it.
I know its easier said than done. I just didn't want to spendthe rest of my life dancing around it... Way to much energy..
Good luck.. I'll say a few prayers for you. I find that works better than anything else. :-)

Maybe the grandparents are not that comfortable with babies. I say give them time. It doesn't mean they favor the boy, I don't believe. I don't think you should say anything. Their feelings will be hurt. They are who they are. Just let them give the love they can. Your daughter is one I am thinking that because she is so young, they may not feel comfortable playing with her....

Just my thoughts.

I imagine it would bother everyone. But you haven't told us what they were like when your son was small. Did they shower all kinds of affection on him from day one? Did he have anxiety when they picked him up? Are these your parents or his? Are they used to girls so favoring the boy? Or are they used to boys and don't know what to do with a girl?

I think if you must do this that you need to approach it something like this.. Maybe say.. Now we know that a baby is so much more work than a 3 year old and 3 year old's are so much fun. But we are starting to think that our little girl is reaching an age where she will soon see that you seem to spend a lot more time with her brother and we are afraid it's going to hurt her feelings. Then just drop it. Let them say what they will and don't correct them. I assume they are decent people and if you handle this right they will correct this situation soon enough.

Just a question. . . Is your husband an only child or did they have only boys---thus their experience is only with a boy? Sometimes grandparents relate only to what they know, and have to be lovingly pushed to accept something different.
Perhaps you can ask them to watch your daughter for a short period of time, and do this occasionally until they get to know her. You could pick a time when you need to take your son to the doctor, or any other appointment.
Some people are giddy about the first child, but then feel overwhelmed by the succeeding siblings. Personally, I'd try to manipulate the situation first and see if you can create opportunities for them to be with your baby girl before actually accusing them of favoritism. If that doesn't work, your husband should be the one to talk to them---not you. They are HIS parents, and it should be clear it is HIS concern and not solely yours. If you accompany him in this discussion, they might have the false impression you put him up to it. Just some things to think about when dealing with a hypersensitive mother-in-law.
Good luck.

My MIL did not warm up to my second like she did my first - at first. My older baby was difficult, to put it mildly, and I think when the second baby came along Grandma had forgotten how moody even an "easy" baby can be.

My kids went through the "no one but mom and dad hold me" phase at about 8 weeks and Grandma got her feelings hurt. I just kept handing the baby to her and now, as the younger one hits her 7 months old mark, we're about to start having mornings at Grandma house, just one on one.

You might not have to say anything at all. If you trust them with your baby, just hand her right on over as soon as they walk in the door. "Sweetie, say hello to Grandma", that sort of thing. That's what it took for my LO and my MIL to find that bond.

(For the record, my grandparents ADORE my brother and me and ignored the younger three in my family. They also flat out refused to bond with my first cousins until just a few years ago...my cousins are 20 and 16! Sometimes it just doesn't happen and I wish that weren't true. My siblings were really hurt by a lifetime of being brushed off.)

I hope this works out. I don't think your daughter should/will worry too much about the photos. My mom was only in town for a day after the older one was born but in for two weeks when the younger one came. Just let the babies know that circumstances just worked out that way, it has nothing to do with her. Good luck!!!

It's something several grandparents I know do on purpose;

They talk up the older child, because the older child can understand, while the baby can't... and the older child has to suffer through 'all baby all the time' / gets shunted to the side as people are oohing and ahhing and making a huge fuss about the baby. Even when the oohing and ahhhing phase is over, or it's just mum and dad... mum and dad are all wrapped up in the baby and the baby's needs. AKA they're just trying to make the older child feel special, too.

((No matter how much parents try and make sure there's still special time between them and their older children, infants just require a LOT of care. Nature of the beast. It's physically impossible to spend as much time with an older sibling when you have an ifant. Nursing or feeding alone takes up 6+ hours a day. Willing to lay money on the table that few if any parents of infants ALSO spend 6 hours a day with their toddler 1:1. It's just part of having multiple kids.))

Most (that I know that do this on purpose) start "evening out" attention as the baby starts learning to talk.

Now, your inlaws could just be misogynistic jerks who don't care about your daughter at all because she's not a boy, or could just not be into babies, or any of a dozen "icky" reasons...

....BUT do keep in mind as you're thinking that they COULD be trying to be really nice / taking some of the weight off of your shoulders for special time with your eldest.

Please approach this carefully and with love...or your children will be the one to pay the price, if the grandparents move even further away from them emotionally.
I would have your husband approach them and tell them that he understands that people are individuals and that you can't feel the same way towards all of them...but that he really hopes that they will give your daughter a chance to have the same warm and loving relationship with them that your son enjoys.
Validate the fact that they may have to be patient and allow her to get to know them a little better...and then offer to help facilitate that the next time you are all together.
Don't cast blame...that is only going to make things more difficult than they always are...just tell them that you want to find ways to help build the relationship between your daughter and them. Don't make this a contest...as others have said...no 2 people are the same.
I have 2 grandsons...3.5 and 1.5 years old...I love and adore each of them but I have a different relationship with each one because each one is at a differnt stage in their lives...but that doesn't mean that I love one more than the other.
Good luck...stay positive...and maybe if you do everything you can to build a great relationship with them...it will just naturally pay off with a better relationship with your daughter!!

We tell our parents(kids grandparents) and everyone that we DO EVERYTHING EQUAL for all three of our kids. No kid gets more or lesser than the other 2. Everyone gets the same thing,attention and etc. I feel that NO child should have more attention than his/her other siblings.They all need the same amount of attention and love. All it does, is hurt the other siblings' feelings.

Just tell them the truth and tell them you feel like your daughter isn't getting the same attention as they give your son. Tell them you want all your kids to have that same attention and love from both of their grandparents.

My mom never favor any of my kids more than the other. Yea maybe they think the older ones are easier,b/c my mom said that before,but if she took the older one or two,she always ask me if she could take the younger one or two also. She never wanted to hurt any of her grandkids feelings.She would buy everything 3's or buy something big that all three could share.

I really don't know what to say.....Hope this feedback helps a little. :)

I would let your husband talk to his parents about the concerns you have.
I'm really wondering if, in their own way, they are trying to make him feel special because many first kids kind of get lost in the shuffle of the excitement of a new baby in the house.
My grandparents and I had a bond my little sister couldn't compete with through no fault of her own. They loved her very much, but there was a different bond.
My mom almost died giving birth to me and when I was well enough to go home from the hospital, she had to stay behind for a long time. My dad stayed at the hospital with her and my grandparents took me home with them. They had me for the first months of my life until my mom was strong enough to have me at home. They never overstepped boundaries with parenting or anything like that, but there was a definite special bond due to circumstances.
There are no pictures of my grandparents at the hospital when my little sister was born by c-section. I was 3 and with my grandparents. I stayed with them until my mom came home.
I really think you can get this all worked out if discussed in a non-judgemental manner. You may have to accept that the grandparents hold a special place in their hearts for their first grandchild. It doesn't have to mean they love the new baby less. As she gets a little more comfortable with them and vice versa, I'm sure things will change. You can't expect every single thing to be exactly the same with each child as they come along.
That's just my opinion.

Best wishes.

When I was little My Paternal Grandparents always favored my sisters over me as according to them when they were born they brought them Good luck in their business and I didn't. I still remember every year on my Birthday they use to get me a Pound cake whereas both my Sisters had lavish Birthday parties.... I hated them most of my childhood. But of cource my Parents and My Nana made up for their loss. When I sensed that my MIL who had all boys started favoring my Son over my Dtr I told her once how it hurts my dtr each time you shower your love on him and not her, and she said I only did that because with Girls I thought u keep a distance so they don't get spoilt, but after that day she changed her attitude towards my dtr and up til this day loves her unconditionally. Grandparents I say????

My inlaws always do stuff with my older two and my nephew. They do not really like my neice. They always say how cute she is but what a witch she is at the same time. She is going to be four this month. They never ask to take her when they get the boys unless she cries. My inlaws have two sons. My MIL isn't very girly. They did go to the hospital to see her though. It bothers me for my neice and my BIL and his SO. It could be a girl thing. My neice didn't notice until she turned three so don't worry just yet about your daughters feelings but definatly address it with them if you havent' already.