Grandpa Issues

I deal with some of the same issues from my dad/parents both. I have an 11 yr old and 7 yr old both boys. My parents both show more favoritism toward my 11 year old. This is because they say that I show favoritism to the youngest. I disagree. My oldest makes mistakes from time to time and gets in trouble for them because they are things that he is old enough to know better before doing. My youngest could do the same thing but not get in as much trouble because he hasn't learned yet (at least the first time it happens). Anyway, my dad is a lot harder the my youngest and can be quite mean at times and it seems more so this happens in front of me as if to prove a point. There are two issues here i think. Number one, you are the parent which is something that I have had to explain to mine. Thanks mom and dad, but I am the parent and I will discipline my children. If they are doing something wrong, please point it out to me so I can take care of it, and if you don't like how I've handled it, I'm sorry, but I am the parent now...not you. I have actually had this conversation with my parents. It has been somewhat better since then. Also, you moust speak up. It will only continue if you don't speak up and you want to do this before you blow up. I know this also because there have been a couple of explosive moments between me and my parents over such issues. You need to draw the boundries so you're dad knows what you thinks is an isn't appropriate. I'm no expert my any means and have trouble with confrontation, especially with my parents, but I'm definetly getting better and you will probably feel better after you have a conversation with them. Good Luck. :-)

Little girls deserve to be loved (so do boys but that is another issue). If she is not being treated in a loving, non-threatening way she doesn't need to be there. I lived with a grandfather who treated me similarly, he had no choice in the matter since he was partially disabled and my parents took him in. I still remember it 40 years after he died, and we never did get close, or even speak much.
The situation is unpleasant but you can make it better by not exposing your daughter to it. It sounds like your husband did the right thing.
I would not leave her alone with the man, some people can change and some need to be left alone. As it is you have to do what you can for your kids, not try to change your father. There must be some way that you just have not considered to make it possible for your daughter to go to preschool and daycare without involving your father. Maybe a car pool when your husband can trade times with another parent or a friend who could do it, just ask around some and you may be shocked at how many volunteers there will be.

have you thought about bringing this to his attention. Maybe he's got some of his own problems.Why don't you call him and let him know you want to talk to him about your 4 year old and see what he says. My mother in law was different to my children than she was with my sister in laws children. We think she thought my children didn't need her therefore felt indifferent to them. Remind him that she is just a 4 year old and doesn't understand why he treats them different but is sure to notice it. I didn't think my kids noticed but now that they are grown they have let me know they did and it hurt them a great deal. They never understood why she treated them "Badly".

J.

You need to talk to your dad. Letting your daughter deal with the brunt of whatever problem he has won't work. If you gently confront him with a few specific incidences and tell how much it hurts you, your husband but most importantly, your daughter. If he explodes, then you should (no matter the inconvenience) find other transportation for your daughter.
Make sure your husband can calm down enough to back you up. I know what you're going through, sometimes my mom really seems to favor my older son. It's inexplicable, but best to deal with now, before your daughter becomes more aware of it than she is. Good luck!

J., I agree with all the other ladies in that you need to remove your father from the situation. There could be other reasons for his mean behavior, to your daughter, in the presence of you and your husband. (I've earned my distrust issues).
Though you wish her to be in preschool, preschool isn't worth her emotional scars! At some point, she may easily associate preschool with her grandfather and not want to go at all. Remember, at this age, she doesn't forget much and she definitely won't forget the negatives.
Your father's behavior to your youngest not only harms her but also harms your oldest whom he treats nicely. So, if you put a stop to his spending time with your little one, you also need to stop him from seeing the eleven year old.

Hi J.- I'm sorry you have been put into a no-win-situation. Of course you don't want to do damage to your relationship with your father, your husband, or your child. How does your daughter take these yell tantrums? Does she realize it's going on?
Can you drop down to only two days at preschool? If your father doesn't enjoy doing this small task -I sure don't think I would expose my child to it. I'm sure you want your child in preschool and I think its great!(I teach preK)however, even 20 minutes a week can do damage why put her thru that? Maybe you can talk to other parents at the prek that could do a car pool..on the day your husband takes her he could pick up another...something to think about. I know it's hard to believe that some people aren't "children people" I occassionally work with a few of these..(I think my husband is one-he'll be fun when he's old-haha) But, just as some adults rub us wrong..so can children-Good luck-H.

J.,

You can't change your father's behavior only your reaction to it. Unless you want her to grow up, and like you, end up writing about how hurt and scarred she is over his treatment of her. If he treats her that badly in front of you can you imagine what it's like when they are alone! You are her mother and she looks to you for protection and her safe place to fall. Do not expose her to that man anymore. Maybe when she is older you can try again. We had a similar situation with my husband's father when we visited them in Texas. He didn't say anything to my then 2 1/2 daughter, he said mean and ugly things to us about her (spoiled, doesn't mind etc). We picked up and left 3 days early driving back to Vegas. I felt bad for my husband's mother but no way would I allow my daughter to be treated in that manner and I knew he was going to start in on her directly. We never said a word about why we left early. They can figure it out or not I don't really care. What's important is your daughter's self esteem and knowing that she is loved and protected. Dr. Laura Schlesinger on am radio actually gives great advice on these subjects. She can be a little short with people but she is usually right on. She does disagree with putting children in daycare but if you listen to what she says it really does make sense. If the Grandma your speaking of is his wife, then have her come over to visit your daughters without him. It's her choice.

Good luck,

B.

I would stay away from for a while and only visit him avery once in awhile, you would'nt want your lilttle ones thinking of him as bad or mean , if they see him evet once in awhile then maybe he will miss you all and be nicer.

I absolutely agree with Stephanie. The love and acceptance of father/grandfathers (males in general) is so important for girls growing up. If your 4 year old sees this unconditional love from grandpa towards your 11 year old, and not towards herself, it will have LASTING effects. Although you are relying on your dad to dropoff/pick up from day care once a week, what is it doing to your daughter's self esteem/self view? Start talking to your husband about backing away from your dad, pulling out of commitments, etc and start protecting your 4 year old from this type of negative and destructive behavior.
I know this from experience. :)

It sounds like he has some real issues, possibly a personality disorder of some kind. I would strongly suggest you speak with him in a normal, unafraid voice. Just ask him if there is something going on in his life that is making him feel uncomfortable around your daughter or if something is simply bothering him. Explain to him that you know your daughter can be a handful, but that she does not intentionally try to irritate him and see if he can agree to work on his own anger issues for everyone's sake. If he is unwilling to work with you, then he may never change. I am sorry you are going through this, but maybe discussing the situation with his mother or your mom might shed some light on the subject. If you are unable to do this, maybe contacting someone else who has known him for awhile might help you out.

J.,
You need to talk to your Dad and include your Mom so she understands. You have a responsibility to your daughters to keep them safe and if your Dad is unpredictable, then he should not be left alone with either of them, ever.

I realize you don't want to add extra burden onto your Mother, but I say it's worth the reassurance of knowing that your daughter's okay. I would let your Dad know that this behavior is not acceptable - he should not be allowed to treat your daughters this way. If I were your husband, I would be very upset. Also, as the younger daughter gets older and sees that her sister is treated better, she'll become more bitter about it and it could affect the relationship they have.

My Dad used to have a temper and was really awful to all of his kids when we were young. Though in his old age, he's quite sedate and seems to be a great grandpa. Despite this, we never leave children alone with him.

WOW~Family problems suck - we all have some wierd problem in our families and it's always hard to address it. But you are your daughter's advocate. You have an obligation to protect her at all costs for as long as you can. I hope you can find it inside you to talk to your dad. When you speak to him, don't be accusatory...try not to use factual words, not feeling words and don't use a lot of "you" in the conversation....just like you would approach a coworker. Remain calm, don't let the conversation get out of hand. But be sure to have other arrangements for your daughter to get to school in the event that he gets very upset and says he won't take her anymore. I'm sorry you're going through this! Good luck!

I know this is difficult. However, you are your child's only defense in this situation. You said your father was a jerk and behaved in destructive ways when you were a child. You are observing incidences of similar behavior with your daughter. I know you don't want her to feel the same way you did, so why force this situation? It doesn't seem worth it, in my opinion, to risk the emotional well being of your child. You can try to talk to your dad if you want to, but I think it would be best to accept that is who he is and not anticipate a change. I would suggest removing your child from his presence and if he asks why you have done this, tell him the truth - and tell yourself your priority is protecting your daughter, not sparing his feelings.

When my son was a little baby my father drank one night and was not as responsive as he should have been while watching our son for a short while. My response was to not allow my father to be around him when he'd had any alcohol, and I did not leave my son with him anymore. I said nothing to him directly, but my dad eventually did an about-face and quit drinking entirely, and has in fact changed a lot about his attitude in life. My son now goes over there again, but only when other family members are also present. My child is my number one priority, over inconvenience and hurt feelings, and while it has created some awkwardness I do believe it is the right thing to do. You don't want to sacrifice your daughter to your dad just to gain his approval and love. You won't get it, and you'll harm your child in the process. All the best to you and your family.

Does your father physically hurt your daughter? Is he always short tempered with her? What is her reaction when he explodes? I don't know enough to say this with accuracy but I do wonder if this situation is as damaging or scarring as some of the mothers have said.

As we grow up we learn how to deal with all sorts of people. And kids are quite perceptive and when they have a good image of themselves are able to put other's negative actions in perspective. Especially if someone talks with them about what is happening. She spends very little time with her grandfather and so I don't believe that the usual sort of angry yelling and put downs is going to scar her.

I'd suggest that talking with the father will only put him on the defensive and make his outbursts worse. I'd suggest talking with the daughter, telling her that she is doing alright and that unfortunately her grandfather gives her a difficult time anyway. Let her know that she is OK and that her grandfather's actions are not OK. Teach her how to react so that she doesn't incur more anger. Your husband handled the situation well by leaving. Can your daughter go to a different room. Say where her grandmother is. Or just be quiet until she gets to school.

He is her grandfather. I think that it's likely that he does love her but is irritated by her actions and/or something else about her. Maybe she reminds him of someone. But you cannot change him. He's been unpredictable all of your life.

I agree that I would limit the amount of time he spends alone with her. But I wouldn't necessarily stop him from taking her to preschool. I'd ask your daughter how that time goes and get her input about stopping or continuing.

One possible result of stopping all contact with her grandfather is that it may give her the message that she is not OK.

My granddaughter has had similar experiences and as early as 3 she would say, "oh, they're just angry. It's OK Grandma!" when I would intervene.
I think that your daughter will be fine because she has caring parents who provide positive experiences the rest of the time.

I would tell you differently if this situation seems to be impacting her in a negative way. Does she cry when faced with going with Grandpa? Is she overly upset when he yells at her? Is she easily upset at other times? Does she not want to be with him? Then, you should keep them separate as much as possible.

At the same time it is important that both girls have some contact with their grandparents but it should be with you present and perhaps actively defending your child when he explodes. I think immediately leaving every time might "teach" him to stop the yelling. I doubt very much that talking with him will help at all.