We have an 8.5yr old daughter and a 9.5 yr old daughter. An issue has come up. When they go to their grandfather's house (my father in law) the 8.5 yr old acts and is treated like a baby. She is known in his house as "baby girl". This has set her back because when she comes home after staying there she acts like a baby. Crying, whining, not using verbal skills, talking in a toddler voice, doesn't clean up after herself. Even when she talks to him on the phone it's in a toddler voice and his voice changes like he is talking to a toddler. Well it was brought to my attention that the 8.5 yr old takes clothes and pj's(which she picks out) to his house to wear, well she doesn't wear HER pj's. She wears one of his t-shirts to bed and sleeps in bed with him. Our 9.5yr old asked for her own bed at his house which he bought her one and not the 8.5yr old. The 9.5yr old is setting boundaries and growing. She told me that when the 8.5yr old is not in his bed he says "where's my heater grampie is cold." So then she goes to sleep in his bed. I have had many discussions with my S.O. that the way he treats her like a baby is not right. Even at birthdays that are age appropriate crafts for kids he doesn't sit with parents he pulls his chair up right next to her and is monopolizing her from her friends as well as knit picking her art work. He isn't like this with the 9.5yr old. He is much meaner to her. Has her clean up all the toys, never lets her pick a tv show, yells at her if the 8.5yr old does something bad. I don't like it one bit and he threatens my S.O. that he "will take us to court he's a grandfather and he has rights." Now I was told about this and was wondering what anyone else thinks. And how to address it. Because even telling him not to treat her like a baby was a terrible fight! Heck he threatened to punch me in the face because the 8.5 yr old got grounded. (He told this to the child not me.) Any advice would be great.
Seriously? Don't let him bully you.There is something evil going on in that house. The eight year old and grandpa sound like they are boyfriend and girlfriend! I think both girls should go to a therapy and find out what is going on.
I have a close friend who was treated like this by her grandfather when she was about the same age as your daughter. Her grandfather sat her on his lap rather than on a chair. And yes, he fondled her inappropriately. And yes, she told her mother and father.
And her parents didn't do anything, because after all, this was sweet old Grandpa, and to make him uncomfortable or bring up this subject or stop the visits would probably hurt the old man's feelings. That was the explanation. The parents told my friend to just try to be careful. Imagine telling an 8 year old girl to respect the touching and fondling of Grandpa because he's Grandpa, after all, not a stranger, and to figure out by herself how to set some distance between her and Grandpa.
At age 35, my friend got counseling to deal with a lifetime of guilt, embarrassment, and the feeling that her parents had abandoned her instead of protecting her. She confronted her mother with the therapist and apologies were made but my friend still deals with that feeling that when she was a young child, her parents abandoned her in favor of an old guy who was physically intrusive and inappropriate. She still has issues, although she is much better after lots of therapy.
If what you've described is really going on, then you step up boldly. Disregard whatever your ignorant, weak significant other is saying. Be a mother. Let yourself get punched in the face if necessary. You refuse all contact with this grandfather, and if he's visiting, you glue yourself to your daughter's side so that her grandfather literally cannot physically touch her, and you speak up. "Grandfather, you will not treat my daughters like that, or you can leave this house", and then you call 911 if necessary. And put ice on your punched face.
And then your daughter will know that you are protecting her, not some filthy old man or some stupid significant other who thinks that "rights" include access to a child in an inappropriate way and cruel behavior toward another child. Think of ONE thing: your daughter's well-being. And defend it at any cost. Children who are 8 or younger (or older, depending on the child) are not always able to establish boundaries on their own.
That's why they have parents. Be one.
Have you thought of getting a restraining order?
I think you have a greater right to not be threatened over how you raise your children.
And - your kids are not toddlers - so an old man sleeping with an 8 yr old is incredibly inappropriate and I'd really be afraid he's grooming her and maybe abusing her.
He's showing how possessive he is over her - this isn't how a grandfather acts with his grand kids.
You need to talk to a lawyer and get something in place to protect your family from him.
There's no way I'd allow my kids near him again and if he lays a hand on me or comes near my kids anywhere at school or near my home - I'd have the cops on him so fast it would make his head spin.
My child would never be left alone with him again. Period.
Welcome to mamapedia, S.S.
This is your Father in Law? If you call your partner your S.O. that "man" is NOT your Father in Law (IN LAW implies marriage).
Your partner/significant other/etc. MUST step up. this is NOT normal behavior.
If this were me? I would stop any and all visits with this person. If your partner allows this? Then you need to document the behavior and get a court order of protection and boot this "family" to the curb and raise your kids on your own.
Your daughter needs to speak with a therapist. Your family needs a FAMILY therapist. This is NOT normal. Not at all. I would hate to think your daughter is being sexually abused by this person.
You need to stop visits to his place NOW. Absolutely none.
You need to get SO on the same page with you. Let SO know grandfather is violating psychological, emotional and physical boundaries with your daughter. Next will be sexual. SO needs to step up with you and protect children.
The rivalry grandfather is inciting between the daughters is also part of the script to isolate the 8.5 year old from 9.5 year old so that the 8.5 year old cant report what grandpa is doing to her.
As others have reported, you need to make a record of your concerns. Either make a police report or pediatrician. I would try pediatrician first because your daughter will be more comfortable.
But yes, no more visits. Time to protect both children with or without the support of your SO.
Additional: Grandfather’s behavior may have been normalized to your SO, and denial may prevent your SO from clearly seeing the reality of this situation and taking action.
He should not be allowed to see the child. He should be questioned on threatening physical violence. He needs to be straight forward told that what he is doing is un- acceptable and no court of law will help him just because he is grandpa.I
He needs to be stopped and you need to go momma bear on him to protect your children. Do not let him near your kids period.
I tend to agree with MilitaryMom6.
Obviously - do what makes you feel comfortable. Your husband should address your FIL and voice your concerns.
Something is not right here . . . who refers to their daughter as "the child" and uses 8.5/9.5 in sentences like that. Also, what adult is threatened by a husband/SO stating that a grandfather is going to take them to court because he has rights? What mother allows an adult family member/relative to tell their child he was going to punch the mother in the face?
The story might be true, but this isn't the mother of these children writing this . . . possibly a step-mother or girlfriend, but it isn't the mother.
I call shenanigans.
This is not ok. This is way off. You are the parent. Period. You asked how to address this. The answer is the girls do not go back there. Ever. Grandparents in this situation would have zero rights. He threatened to punch you for how you raise your child? NO. He would be out of my life forever in an instant. What on earth does her father have to say about all this?
he threatens my S.O. that he "will take us to court he's a grandfather and he has rights."
For the most part, grandparents don't have rights. At all. They just don't. The only way they can get court ordered visitation is if they can prove that the parents are unfit. Now, if their own child is deceased, they might be able to get rights so that those children have a relationship with their deceased parent's family. But that's about it. So you really don't need to be concerned about that threat. He's not going to find a lawyer to file his case, much less a judge that would agree with him.
He's not your father-in-law if you aren't married to his son. You refer to a SO not husband so the short, simple answer is she doesn't go to his house anymore. You're the mom; these are YOUR decisions, no one elses. Also, I would watch - maybe something more going on in that bed. I'm not one to jump to that conclusion easily, but this has red flags all over it! And as far as his "rights" as a grandfather, again if you're not married to his child, then he's NOT legally her grandfather and even if he were, grandparents don't have many rights at all!
To be honest this sounds way creepy. I would be worried the grandfather is molesting her never mind treating her like a baby. Sleeping in bed with him like that is NOT ok. Also the first time my father-in-law told my kid he was going to punch me in the face would be the last time he saw his grandkids. You need to take back control of your life and their lives and probably stop these visits entirely for the sake of your kids mental health.
He is sexually abusing her. This happened to me when I was 12 to 15 with my own dad. I thought it was normal until I found it wasn't. I ended up running away because my mother was furious at me, not him, when she found out.
