Grandmother in Law

I don't know how much advice I could really give in this situation, but if she's giving your daughter meat and things to hide, something definately has to be done. The first thing I would do would be invest in locks for the doors and a baby monitor for your child's room. That way you can hear when she wakes up and can head grandma-in-law off as soon as possible. If things continue to get worse, you may need to see about getting someone in to sit with your grandmother-in-law and keep an eye on her - for her own safety as well as your daughter's.

My grandma died about 2 years ago. She did have to go to a nursing home because she had a stoke and was unable to move half her body. She was a very tall and big woman and I wasnt able to lift her on my own. But I have worked as CNA in many facilities of all kinds. Hospitals, nursing homes, and retirement homes, etc. Retirement homes for seniors are great if she is able to somewhat do things herself. She wouldnt have to cook her own meals, or clean her room, and some place provide laundry service as well, as well as social activities during the day. But they can come and go as they please, they are not told what to do, or when to do it. It's like living in a very pampered hotel. Working in one, I discovered that if my family member was able to live in one that I would feel good about it, because it gives them a since of independence, but no one is over burdened either. It benefits both sides. Nursing homes are for people that are unable to care for themselves at all. And I am not a fan of them either. But it sounds like she can do a lot for herself, and might like having a life of her own again. Just a thought.

I think you should put a door knob that locks on your bedroom door and lock it when you leave. Also, your daughter is at an age that she should be able to let her grandmother know that she doesn't want to eat off a dirty dish. What your grandmother is doing could cause your daughter to get sick. It's almost like eating out of the trash can. If things persist or get worse maybe you all should think about your grandmother going and living with another relative. You don't want her endangering your daughter.

this is the most difficult question i have read on here. bags of moldy meat are inexcusable. it sounds as if she is grasping at straws trying to be independent, much like a young child. perhaps you could give her a purpose involving your daughter, a task that you pretend you are not good at, something that would not cause your daughter harm, like teaching her the alphabet. maybe if left to be responsible for this type of milestone, she will focus on it and it will fill her need to be so dangerously "helpful" to add to this i would like to commend you on not putting her in a home, you have a lot on your plate(sorry no pun intended), and the fact that you don't give up is amazingly compassionate

I dont know if I have any good advice. Its a very tough situation. Especially since you are now kind of disabled with your ankle and all. You cant be on top of her. I feel for you. I know it must be tough. You are very young to be going through this kind of stuff. I think I kinda understand some of the things your grandma is doing. But I also understand your side too. She is old and has always been the caregiver. So now she still wants to be the motherly figure. My grandmother was like that till the day she died. She was always trying to make sure we were eating. It made her feel better or something to see us eat something she has made or something that she is giving us. We would be full as heck but we would have to eat again when she offered us food. So I do understand what your grandma in law is doing. I do understand the safety issues with the food. But I do know it is a need for her to do that. Maybe you can help her cook a meal. Do it with her. Use paper plates maybe or make sure the dishes are always clean. That way she can feed your daughter all whe wants and you will have the peace of mind of knowing that its clean and healthy. I know its alot of work. But old people are like that. My grandma was alot of work in her last couple of years alive. But we had to give her the respect she deserved. She had 10 children and 22 grandchildren, and in her healthy years she took care of everyone of us. So although its tough I know your husband would love and respect you more if you could find away to make the situation work. Thats my advice. I know its not really what you wanted to hear. But my prayers and thoughts are with you. I hope that things get better for you.

Sincerely,
S.

Hi T.~
I can somewhat sympathize with what you are going through right now. My dad lived with us for awhile after he had his third stroke. He would not accept that he wasn't capable of taking care of himself anymore and that he was not a rational as he used to be. My husband and I are STRONG believers in not putting our loved ones in nursing homes. But, after my father watched my 18 month old daughter climb some stairs and then watched her FALL down those stairs we realized that we had to put her safety first. Things progressively got worse and we did have to eventually put him in a nursing home. I just wasn't able to take care of him (he is VERY stubborn). I did a lot of research about the homes in our area and then visited several homes (WITHOUT telling them that I was coming) before choosing one.

Good luck and remember that your daughter has to come first.

R.

Hi, T.. I can't directly relate to what you are going through - we've never had to care for an elderly relative. But, it sounds as if your hubby's grandmother is maybe having some issues with mental health. I don't want to sound ugly or anything...some of the behaviors you describe just sound unreasonable. Have you thought about putting a lock on your bedroom door? Lock it during the day when you are not there so you can be sure that no one is going in while you're gone. Another suggestion (we used this for my son who would get up early and roam) is that you could get those alarm things that you put on doors that will go off when a door is opened. Put them on all the doors in the house and that way when grandmother gets up early to feed your daughter, you would have a warning, so you could get up also to make sure that your daughter is getting fed what you want. Maybe try to include grandmother in HELPING to prepare meals for your daughter. Maybe she feels left out of being a part of her great-grandaughter's life? Also, I'm sure that the problems that come with age are pretty hard to handle and she's just not handling them well. She's having a hard time giving up those things that were always so easy for her...washing dishes, feeding kids, etc. This is just my opinion, but maybe some of it can help!

I understand what you say when you agree that your family shouldn't go to a nursing home I was a CNA for about 10 years and loved it but never agreed with the care and well being of my residents. As for her going into your room when you leave put a lock on your door so she can't get into the room. As for the dishes thing after she has ate collect the dishes and check her room ocasssionally to see what she has in there. Always put her privacy ahead of all problems but put into terms she will understand. If that does not work buy paaer dishes for her. As for her feeding your daughter when you hear her up get in there, and offer help never forbid her from doing things until it gets where she can't manage or understand what is going on. If it is getting to be more than you can handle then have an aide come in and help out. Hopefully this helped you , if it still doesn't work out is there another family member she can go stay with? Good Luck and take care of yourself. K.

T. keep your head up and remember everything happens for a reason. I think you should sit down with husband and see if ya'll are on the same page first off. Then I think the idea of giving her something to do so great. Does she sew, needle point or anything?? The things you can do is talk to your daughter too, have a clean bowl or plates out for the morning and tell your daughter these are the dishes I want you and your grandmother to use. I have a son that is speech delayed and other problem but he still like to help out, SO I'm thinking that your daughter will want to help out too. Also tell your daughter there is a no food in the room and punishment if she does it again. If her grandmother tells her to let her know that she should justr throw it away.
About her going into your room put a LOCK on it. If she needs anything from your room leave out all the items or things she may use out in th living room or bathroom!!!
What do you think would have happen if your daughter ate the moldy meat? You have to think about your daughter first.
Are there any more family members that can that her on? You do have a lot on your plate right now. Or maybe another family members can come and check on her?
Hope this helps,
Leti