Grandma Spoiling...

What Eva said. 100%. My MIL has a toy for my kids everytime they come over. She puts them in a cupboard that has pots and pans in it that they played with since babies. They are 4 and 6. Now, that is the first place they go. It bothered me at first, but you just have to roll with it. It is their special thing. She also has bowls of candy and chips out everytime...available before dinner. But, from the start I always told them after dinner they are welcome to have it...so I dont get tandrums.

When I was little my parents were divored and my dad did the same thing to me every time he would come around, which was not often. I always got a gift. Now he is doing it to my kids.I finally had enough and told him to get gifts on birthdays and Christmas. He did not seem pleased but I explained that taking them to the park or even reading them a story is okay too. They won't remember the toys but they will remember having fun with grandpa at the park. Good luck and you should tell her. She will get over it(promise).

I don't think there is that much harm in her bringing a treat your son everytime, but I do agree that giving him candy/snacks before dinner is not appropriate. I would just calmly talk with your mother and say something like, I know that you like to do this for (his name), but I really don't like it when you give him candy before dinner time. Perhaps the next time you bring a treat, if you asks to see what you brought him, maybe you can say, "Grandma has something for you, but you need to be a good boy and eat your dinner first." If she makes an issue out of it...drop it. It's not worth fighting with your mother over it. I would LOVE to have a mother who cared that much to visit my daughter & bring her treats. So, let her "spoil" him...it doesn't necessarily make him spoiled over all, just spoiled from his grandma...there's a difference. :-)

Good luck!

I would continue to let your son and Grandma have their special thing. However, I would tactfully set some ground rules with Grandma on it. Let her know that you don't mind that she brings things to your son but you would appreciate it if she waited until after dinner to give them to him. He will know that not everyone brings him a gift every time he sees them and that is something he will always remember his Grandma for. My son lost my mother at age 13 and he is still have difficulties with it at almost 18 yrs old because they were so close. The special moments and memories mean the world to him.

My mom also has a prize bag. The kids (2 and 3) love it, and it's something special with Grandma. I don't see a problem with this, really, unless she were to be giving REALLY expensive gifts all the time. What I would have a problem with is all the candy! My mom doesn't ever put candy in her prize bag unless she has permission from me, and most of the time I say no!

I don't see any problem with talking to your mom about it, but I don't think giving little gifts is a problem that will lead to your toddler being spoiled--just really loved!

We just read about Love Languages by Gary Smalley, it it really spoke to me in this issue. It is likely that gift giving in her love language- meaning she shows love by giving gifts. So when you tell her no, it might be like telling her she can't hug your kids, or something. Now, if your kids respond to other ways of showing love: quality time, words of appreciation, acts of service, or physical touch. You may want to clue Grandma in that your kids also love these other things, too.
If you are worried about the timing of prizes, you may have her start giving them after dinner, or as she is leaving, kind of a "until we meet again" prize.
But be sensitive to her, because you don't want her to feel rejected. And its just little toys. You can easily teach your kids to pass them along to other kids that don't have such nice grandmas

You need to tell her its becoming a problem. Especially food things before meals! Grandparents that visit less then 10 times a year can certainly get away with spoiling the child on each visit, but it sounds like your mom lives close by and this has to end. What happens when he's older?

L.,

My MIL only visits once a week, but has always been the bearer of candy. Luckily, she's always limited it to a small piece or two and we never protested as she got so much joy out of peeking into the purse with our daughter. Somewhere in there, our daughter (now 5) outgrew the ritual on her own. The candy is still in the purse each visit, but it's now become kind of an afterthought before grandma leaves.

As you are about to have a new baby in the house, I'd like to share with you what my mother has always done so maybe your mom could try something different. Whenever my mom visits, she greets our daughter with "what would you like Grandma to read to you today or which doll should we dress up or which puzzle should we do, etc., etc.?" Our daughter is always thrilled to see her as she is assured some nice quality play time of her choosing. It's a sweet little ritual and they sneak off to her room together for awhile and have a marvelous time. It warms my heart to listen to them playing and it's such a nice win-win for everyone.

Just wanted to offer that up as it's something simple that you could suggest in lieu of the material gifts if you choose to chat with your mom about the "stuff." The timing might be right with the new baby entering the scene in April. Your son may soon prefer the one-on-one time with Grandma and they could together re-discover all the treasures he already has.

Best of luck. Mom/MIL issues are tough. L.

When I was growing up my Grandma would tell me that when I'm at her house I have her rules; which included being able to have candy, cookies and pop. When at my house though I still had to follow mom and dad's rules; even if she was visiting. I still to this day think that was a great way to do it. However, my kids are around your sons age and I have told their Grandma that we will at least wait on pop and cookies, even though it's her house, until I can teach them the correct way to eat. Such as dinner first.....

I would let grama spoil him. I would however make him wait for the treat until after he ate, or maybe just one jelly bean now and more after supper. My 3 little kids don't get spoiled by grandparents. My mother in law lives an hour away, and doesn't even bother to call them on their birthdays most of the time. My mom lives in Florida so they don't get attention from her either. Be grateful she is in their lives, and they will remember the love grama gave them when they are grown up. My grandma just died last year, and what I wouldn't do to have her smiling face walk through my door again. Let her spoil him. It makes them both happy and thats a good thing.

Hi L.,

Maybe it's time you had a little chat with Grandma! While grandma's love to "spoil" their grandchildren, myself included, there does need to be some limits, I feel. For certain, if she brings a treat, point out that you would prefer your child receive it after dinner and tell her why.

As for the constant giving, to the point it's the first thing your child asks for.....simply mention the fact that it concerns you. Let her know, that while you appreciate her generosity, you are worried that you child is more excited about what Grandma brought, than the fact that she's over for a visit. Keep it focused on the concern for her relationship with your son and not the "treats" themselves.

This approach may not change anything, but at least you will have voiced your concerns. Other than that...let Grandma have her fun....and try not to let it bother you. They'll probably both "outgrow" this soon enough!

J.

Good Morning L.!

I think the bottom line is that we can't change our mothers/grandmothers, but maybe we can inspire them to want to change or alter this "spoiling" behavior.

What do you think would happen if you talked to her and state what you are observing and your concerns? Maybe something like "Mom, your grandson is just so blessed to have you in his life. Not a lot of little boys are able to have such a caring grandma involved in his life. But lately I have been noticing a change in how he treats you. Instead of running into your arms and covering you in hugs and kisses.. he's running to get into your purse and see what you have brought him. I'm worried that he is not learning what a warm and wonderful grandma he has, but instead with getting gifts everytime.. he is starting to see a you as a slot machine. If he gives you a kiss or hug then he gets a prize. I just want my son to grow up knowing that the "prize" is having a grandma that loves him, not the things that she gives him. You know mom, do you think that maybe you could cut back on giving him gifts everytime that you come over?" Or something along those lines in your own words. Be prepared that her first reaction will most likely be defensive. And if it is, I would not argue with her.. just listen to all her reasons and excuses. Then when she is done (don't interrupt!! Just let her go :-) say back to her "I hear what you are saying mom. I just want you to understand that we want our son to love you, not the stuff you bring."

I wouldn't be concerned that your mom's behavior is making your child spoiled. If you and your husband are not spoiling your child the rest of the time, your son will grow to know the difference. Just stay strong and consistant. And even if your mom does not change immediately, you have (HOPEFULLY!) helped her to maybe look at the situation differently and maybe she will start to change on her own.

Good Luck!!!
Peace,
B.

Hi L.. How wonderful that your Mom is so involved in her grandson's life! I say let them have their special "thing" together. He will have so many fond memories of Gramma!

Neither my parents nor my husband's Mom really have much to do with my daughter, and it just breaks my heart. At my daughter's school, there are so many grandparents that pick up the kids and attend all school functions, it's so wonderful to see. My daughter always asks me how come Gramma & Grandpa don't do this or that (because she sees a lot of her friends grandparents participating). I cringe everytime! It makes me sad.

I say let it go and enjoy it!

L.

My MIL does the same thing. It's gotten better since we explained to her that we want to raise our kids to be grateful, not to expect gifts from people. We want them to look forward to being with Grandma because she's fun; not because she brings toys.

When she comes over, my kids immediately get into her purse, where she has a conveniently stashed baggie of smarties or gummi bears or m&ms. We just make sure they've eaten before she arrives. She still overdoes it on birthdays and at Christmas, but I don't think we'll ever get through to her that the kids really ARE being spoiled. Grandmas just enjoy that too much and just can't believe they're doing any harm.

Good luck. If you find something that works, let me know!
A.

Explain to Grandma that there are rules that you want your child to follow. Make it clear that treats are for after good behavior, after dinner, etc. You're mom, and you should be "laying down the law". Sounds like a good sit down talk would go a long way!

Hi L.,
Often times our parents get caught up in the whole 'Grandma' thing. They forget the parenting rules and just want to be loved and adored by their grandparents.

You NEED to address this. If you don't, it will continue to bother you and create a distance between you. Just lovingly tell her that you think it is great she has a special thing with your son, but that you think the candy is getting a little out of hand. Tell her that you would appreciate it if she didn't give him candy just before dinner and to check with you on the amount he gets. That you can put away the rest for later. Then his treat from Grandma will last longer.

You could also give her some ideas for things OTHER than candy. Or suggest that she have a special 'date' with him ... they go for a walk, or play a game or something. Good nutrition is so important to little growing bodies. Sugar really can wreak havoc on their systems.

You are the mommy. You have every right to address things you aren't comfortable with concerning your son. Just remember, don't be defensive. Try to keep her perspective in mind, and make sure she realizes it isn't the special bond you are objecting to... is the way she is going about it.

L.,

That sounds like it could be my mother. She was so thrilled to become a Grandmother that she went completely overboard with the gifts and the treats (and she is in a position finanically to be VERY generous if she chooses to be) There have been times when it actually feels like I am in a competition with her when it comes to holidays and birthdays and sometimes no occasion at all, there are times when it seems as if she justs wants to outdo us.

I now have 5 children and have mellowed a bit. This is the way things are and apart from putting my foot down about sweets (at my house- at her house its harder). Although now that I've gotten to the point of being resigned to the situation I have to say its come back to bite her more than a couple of times. I have gotten to the point of, not encouraging the children to get their "things" from her, I don't discourage it either -I get so tired of being the bad guy in this. My oldest is 13 yrs and my youngest is 2 yrs. So many times they see her and the first thing out of thier mouth is "what do you have for me?" or the last thing they say when they leave or she leaves is a list of what they want, she is the only one they do this to. They don't act this way with us or any of thier friends, or our friends.

Yes it is a Grandmas job to spoil children and enjoy them, everything is better in moderation and sometimes when we do things in excess we ruin it, mostly for ourselves. When my children act this way with her I think it makes her sad, I have tried to talk to her about it over and over for many years, and have come to the conclusion that with our actions there are consequences. She refuses to change or reign in on the spending and the gifts, so in fact she has created the situation. I feel like as parents all we can do here is "damage control."

I this hasn't had much helpful advice for you, but know that your not the only one dealing with this, but just know that someday she may regret that her grandchildren see "things and stuff" when they look at her, not a person. You may try to approach her that way, and maybe she will listen. Good luck.

Try to keep your sense of humor and do what you need to do. Your mom is showing love in a way that makes sense to her. This will not spoil your son though he'll certainly expect gifts from Grandma if she continues to do this. Have you tried joking about it? I am a Grandma and sometimes that's how my daughters get messages across to me. I'm sure, when she looked forward to being a Grandma, she pictured it this way. She may stop doing this on her own over time. You were right to refuse the opening of the jelly beans before dinner. Just keep an eye out and hold your ground in a sweet way with as much humor as you can muster.

Find a middle ground. If she has created a child who habitually expects gifts from her, that's her problem! Tell her how the candy makes your job harder and see if you can come up with a solution. She isn't looking to make you mad, just spoil her grandbaby!

~L.

Hello L., I'm a grandmother, so I can relate to your mother. That doesn't mean I agree with what she is doing. Let her know that you want her to have a special bond with your children, BUT that you want them to be attached to HER, not the things she brings. Tell her no more candy, period. Instead, have her go to the library and bring a book that she can read to him or a toy she can play with, with him, and then keep at her house so that it is a special "grandma only" toy. Encourage the children to greet her with hugs first before receiving anything. Let mom know that your rules apply first, and that meal times, naps, etc., will always be respected. If she isn't backing you and your husband up on the house rules, then your son will learn to be disrespectful and to play grandma against you and your husband. This will set up hugh problems when the teen years hit. Your mothers TIME with your son should over ride any material gifts. Stand firm!!! If she cannot respect your rules then let her know she will be limited on how much time she has with your son. After a few weeks of this, she and your son will pay more attention to you and your husband and the rules. She needs to ask you BEFORE bringing anything to your son to see if it is ok with you. Believe it or not, your mother will learn to have much more respect for both of you, and begin to treat you like an adult instead of a teenager. Good luck and congragulations on your baby girl.

YOu may want to lovingly mntion to her that you can see how m uch joy she gets from giving them presents and candy, and you love the relationship that she has with your son, but you would like him to get excited to see Grandma for Grandma, not what is in her purse. Ask her if she could bring hima book next time and the special thing would be Grandma reading it to himeverytime she sees him as their special time together. I doubt she will change as she robably feels it is her right as a Grandma to do this, but she is not creating a spoiled child. Your son only does this with her, right? My Mom indulged my 1st born when she was born to about 2 months, and then my mom got sick and passed on, so in the scheme of things, I would rather she have that type of relationship of gift-giving then, the reality of none at all. In perspective, I suspect this will be short-term and she won't be buying him cars when he is 16 without asking you first? If the sweets are too much, tell her it cuases you a lot of grief if she does this before dinner, and ask her to hold off to help you out. I bet she'll modify a little bit. Hang in there, and good luck.

I think every parent has this problem, but my opinion, grandma and grandpa have earned that right. Thats what grandparents do, They spoil. My mom does the same thing. My kids aren't spoiled either.I make sure they know how lucky they are to have that. I also encourage them to have something for her too. Lots luck.

Its a special relationship and they want the kids to be thrilled to see them. I had some issues at first, but was firm about when they got candy. Seems like since the dinner episode you could ask her to time things better? I think you can let her know your concerns but give in, too.

I would let her know how you feel definately! You could also suggest her getting him things just when he goes to her house. Or have her get him things that are really small, like one piece of candy, or one little car, or even something that is 50 cents or less. Don't take away the bond or spoiling factor, but just make sure your mom is aware of when it is okay to give treats, like not before dinner ;)

Explain to your mom that your biggest fear is that as your son gets older, he's always going to expect a gift from your mom...and you want to raise a child who sees his grandma as the gift herself.
My girlfriend's kids are in 2nd/4th grade and the first thing they do when their grandma comes to the door is ask "do you have a surprise?". my gilfriend says it breaks her heart because 1) they are now so spoiled and presumptious and 2) she feels like her mom feels like the kids don't care about seeing her...they just want a gift.
Ask her to limit her gifts to once a week and then settle on once every other week. It is a very valid concern you have.

My MIL spoiled my stepson with gifts constantly when he was young so when my first was born I talked to her and asked that she not bring gifts for him every time she visits. I told her she could go all out on his birthday and Christmas but I wanted him to really appreciate spending time with her without any expectation of gifts. She actually told me a few years later that she was glad we had that talk especially because her financial situation has changed over the years and we now have three more children. There's no way she could keep up with what she started with her first grandchild! My parents have taken a slightly different approach. They take the kids, one or two at time, on special "GrandTrips". It could just be a sleepover and a movie at their house or short getaway. My kids love the special attention and they are creating lasting memories. Maybe this is a tradition you could suggest to your mom instead of the little gifts. The timing is perfect too since you are expecting number two, it's something that your son is big enough to do and the baby will be too young. It's an awkward conversation to start, but it's obviously important to you so you need to have it. Good luck!

Tell her how you feel, she may not know exactly how it makes you feel. I had to do the same with my mother, it got so bad that when she went to the store with us she would take grapes off the vines (not paid for yet) or open a box of fruit roll ups or a bag of candy just to make my daughter happy. I love my mom VERY much but I do not want my daughter raised to think that's right or that she will get something everytime she see's grandma or goes to the store. Plus I'm not big on giving her "junk" food especually before she eats. Stand your ground, your the parent, maybe ask her if she gave you this much candy when you were little or how she felt when your grandmother did something like that to you (cuz most all grandparent do it), put her in your situation, maybe it'll make her realize that its not good for the child or for your relationship if she keeps it up. I talked to my mother about how I felt and we came up with kind of a comprimise, she buys her books instead which my daughter loves and she can still "spoil" her but in a good way, she also asks me first before she just gives my daughter candy (most of the time). You can't stop grandparents from spoiling your children but if you suggest she brings him something usefull instead of the candy that might make things a little better for both of you? Good luck and I hope this helps some

I know exactly what youre talking about but now that my oldest is 6 I call tell you it will only get worse if you dont stop her now.It will turn into a control thing.My mom would do whatever my daughter asks,candies,cookies,makeup anything that I say no to she says yes to.My situation actually got worse..my mom thinks it ok to cut my kids hair without asking me..talk about mad whoa I was soooo upset.
This is a continuing battle with us us, she just got my 6 year old a cell phone..a real one on a plan and all. Im making her take it back. Im not going to allow my mom to make me look the"the mean one". Im making her tell my daughter that she was wrong to do it behind my back and no 6 year old should have a phone. So for me I wonder whats next,fingers crossed you can handle your mom better than me.
Good luck!!

Hi L.,
When you get to the stage of life to become a "grand"parent, tradition parenting laws disappear. A grandparent has their own unique rules and procedures to follow.
Anything that puts an excited smile on the face of their grandchild is acceptable in the rules of grandparenting.Perhaps requesting that instead of candy she bring fruit snacks, raisins, something more nutrtious on a "regular" basis and save candy for "special" days.
When my kids were little my dad SPOILED them both. He died when my daughter was 14 mos. My son was almost 7. My son still remembers all of the fun he had with pa. He remembers the "special treats" he & pa would share and when gramma or I would put our hands on our hips and sigh... that made that treat all the better.Enjoy the happiness your son gives his grandmother whatever the reason for it. They are building special memories.Eventually they won't be there, until then enjoy it.

Talk to her, tell her how you feel. Myself, a grandmother, of course wants to spoil my grandkids as much as I can but it's THEIR life now and their family and you can make the rules.