Grandma Dying, Closure, What to Tell My 4 Yr Old

Hi A.-

Sorry to hear about your grandma...

One book I always recommend for children understanding death is "The Fall of Freddy the Leaf" by Leo Buscalia...It chronicles death from a nature perspective...and the cycle of a leaf. It is beautifully illustrated...

With respect to a funeral...I found it helpful that some of my kids HAD attended a funeral of a 'distant' relative...it was a learning/educational/teachable experience about death that I hope in some way helped prepare them for the death of my dad...their beloved grandfather...some years later.

Whatever choice you make will be the right one for you...Healing thoughts your way..

Take Care
Michele/cat

kids are resilient & more accepting of death than adults! As long as you are matter-of-fact in your grief, as long as you are honest with those emotions, & as long as you have a good rapport with your children....then all should be well. Let them see your grief, but let them also see that it's okay & that passing is a part of life.

All of the kids in our extended family have been a part of the end of life. They have all done very well with their grief & ours.

You will be in my thoughts & prayers.

since she was not 'close' to them, I would tell them vaguely about death and 'heaven'. My daughter is 4, but is wise beyond her years and VERY close with my grandma. In MY circumstance, I would take her to the funeral to say goodbye, but if your children were not close to her, then I wouldn't feel the need. If Gram is as bad as you say, being barely conscious, no I would not take them. I think it would confuse them. My daughter was barely 3 when our dog passed and she still talks about him. I had to have him euthanized in the middle of the night, so my daughter was clueless, but she still understood what had happened.

A....do you really think that in a few years your 4 year old won't remember grams anyways? I must respectfully disagree with that - I know this is a difficult time for your family, but my experience has been that children that age are quite aware of what is going on and most certainly can be part of the process and WILL remember everything that happened. I suggest you include her, and by all means bring her to the funeral when it happens. Death is a part of life - it only becomes "scary" when we treat it as something taboo. I will pray that your grandma has a peaceful passing. <<hugs>>

My son's grtgpa died shortly after moving up here before hand he had only seen him like 3 times in his life. Now, the 6 months that he lived while we lived here we saw him almost weekly and my son enjoyed it when he came to visit. We choose to take him to the wake and the funeral (it nearly was not an option per my MIL) and he reacted very well ... we are not very religious people but my son knows who/what angels are and I told him that papa was with the angels and we will see him in our dreams (open casket) he then told me that "papa misses his puppy and that papa misses him but he is not sad because he sees papa" started crying right there. Kids get it and understand but had he and papa not gotten close over the 6 months I probably would have respectfully stayed home with him. I think that it is not appropriate to bring young children to hospitals/nursing homes or hospice environments because it can be disturbing to other residents and what kids can bring in and out of those enviroments. I know you will make the right choice for you family but I would opt out of the "goodbye" for the little ones in this situation.

A.,
I am sorry to hear about your grandma. I think under the circumstances of your gma not really liking kids, you are right not to take them. IF they had a special relationship with her or were close, I would say take them. But it sounds like they do not. I would tell your 4 year old just what they want to know. Start talking about grandma and saying that she is really sick and old and when you get really sick and old, your body is tired and isn't able to keep going. Tell them that she died and went to Heaven. Then, let your children decide what they want to ask and how they will process this. You may want to have a box of crayons and paper ready for them to draw how they feel. They may be angry,sad, confused or not really care-- its hard to say or they may feel all of those feelings. Whatever you do, let them express themselves freely so they don't bottle it up inside.

As far as the funeral, if they will sit still for a bit and be quiet, I would seriously consider it. But if you feel they are just too immature to handle-- some funerals are hard to be at, lots of crying, etc. Then I would get a sitter and let them stay home. I will be praying for you and your family through this difficult time. Take care--

Molly

Hello, I think it is probably too late to answer this, but just in case. I guess I would think about how this will effect the children. If they have had little interaction with your grandmother, then I wouldn't see the point of having them go see her. It doesn't sound like she would really care, or maybe even know they are there.
My husband passed away last March and all of us were at the hospital. It was all quite sudden. My grandsons (who were 14, 11 and 8) all chose to go in twice and see him after he had passed to say goodbye. The decision to go in was completely up to them. I was very proud of them. They also attended the funeral services, which were military. They are much older than your children, so this is something you will have to decide. I would just take their age and personalities into making your decision.
Good luck with your precious little girls. I am sending prayers for you family.
K. K.

Kids don't need closure. The visit is likely to be upsetting to her. Let her have better memories of grandma. We visited my mom two days before she died (we didn't realize the end was coming so soon) and it was traumatic for my kids who were 6 and 10 at the time. Your daughter won't have a lot of memories of gran, don't let this be the one she has. As for taking her to the funeral, if she was close to gran, maybe. Explain what a funeral is and ask if she'd like to go. Maybe bring a babysitter in case she gets antsy or upset, this way you don't have to step out with her. Hugs and I am sorry for what your family is going through.

I would but we just went through the loss of my father who my daughter new very well, she is 5yrs old. It has been almost a half a year and she is still talking consistantly about it. I am pretty sure my 5 yr old will remember papa for ever. You 4 yr old is going to remembe, she is going to need to understand why people in the family are sad. Kids are very VERY smart, I think your husband is right to suggest this.

My grandmother, kids' greatgrandmother, just died. I took them to visit when she was still not bedridden, but I agree with you about scaring a little one with something that has progressed so far. When considering whether to take her to the funeral, find out whether or not it will be an open casket, so you will not be surprised by that. My greatgrandmother died when I was 4 and no one told me...so I kept asking when we would visit her and saying that she must be mad at us since she never called or sent a note. When I was finally told, I was so upset...mostly because I thought that she must not have made it to heaven without my little prayers on her behalf. I prayed vigilantly for her after that. -- So, I would definitely tell your children, but the funeral is your call...and the Freddy the Leaf book the prior poster mentioned is a great book! -- Prayers to you, and sorry for your loss.