Grandfather in Coma Not Expected to Make It What Would You Do?

It's a very personal decision & you shouldn't have to explain it to anyone. You can simply say that you love him very, very much, but for personal reasons are unable to attend.

No judgement from me. It's a difficult thing to contend with! And if I can have a panic attack in a store because it's too crowded.... Then, I certainly understand your panic attacks! Mine are far less justified.

I would be straight forward and honest. If they don't like it, then poo poo on them. They don't have to like it.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

Just tell them, ever since your father died, you have never done well at funerals, so you will not be attending..

That being said. You do not have to view the body.

Or you could just attend the burial portion and then the reception/wake after wards. This way it will give you closure and allow all of you to see that part of your family.

Whatever you decide, never have any regrets over your decision.
I am sending you peace.

Tell then the truth just as you said here. You wan to remember as the person they were and not have the last memory of him in a casket. However you need to send a note to grandma telling her so.Good luck and I am sorry to here about your grandfather not doing so well.
J.

I'm sorry for the grief of this situation for you.

If it's the viewing of the body that causes your panic attacks, but you still feel like you should be or want to be there, maybe some of this can help:

A person in a coma basically appears to be sleeping, in most cases. So they are alive and don't look dead. However, they may look different than last time you saw them, especially if they have been sick. They may also have IVs (almost certainly) or other medical stuff on them, which can be really distressing. If that is too much, and it is okay if it is, call the hospital and tell them you can't make it to see him, but if you send a card, can it be put in his room? Or, send a card to a family member, and ask the family member to read the card to him. He may not be able to respond in anyway we understand, but I believe that his spirit will hear you. Or, light a candle and sit quietly and think good thoughts of him/for him once a day. These are ways you can honor him/support him now. And listen to your relatives that need your listening, if you're able to, so you can help those who love him, which I'm sure he'd appreciate.

If, after he passes, it's too hard to see his body -- which is totally understandable -- try one of these, if you do want to go to show support for family or honor to your grandfather:
For the visitation/viewing, talk to the funeral home and ask how the body will be displaced. Depending on what the layout is, you may be able to go and not actually see the body, and instead spend time in other rooms of the funeral home which are set aside for this service (a lot of them have a smaller room set aside for praying/quiet reflection and the body is in another main room).
For the funeral itself, if it's in church, the casket itself is almost always closed. And if that is too much, still, remember that many have a short graveside service which might be do-able for you.

If none of these things work, consider holding your own "celebration of his life" perhaps on an important day of the year for him (for example on his birthday) and invite family to come and share their happy thoughts and positive things, and maybe read a poem or listen to some of his favorite music, etc. Depending on how your family is, you might have to build this idea up or get someone else to suggest it (depending on the conflicts/personalities involved).

Lastly, if none of these sounds right, choose an action/activity that honors him and do it. If your grandfather was a thrill-seeker and love rock climbing & the outdoors, perhaps follow his footsteps to a place he loved, and let your family know that you're going to grieve privately in your own, in that special place.

G-d bless you, and I'm sorry that this sorrow is compounded by further family difficulties...

By "people," do you mean your relatives? You will have to explain your panic attacks to them. Anyone who has had one, or known a person who has had one, will understand your reasoning.

You don't have to explain to others unless you want to. You can say, "I do love my grandfather, but I'm not going to be there. I don't do funerals. The family understands."

It might be nice for you to send some flowers, so you are present at the services in that way.

I would tell people just that. You want to remember him how he was in life, not sick or in death.

Your attendance at a funeral is NOT for the deceased. It's for the family & friends of the deceased to assure them that you support them and are sorry for their loss. There are probably other family members that you respect & love. However, in answer to your question as to what to say when asked about your decision to not attend, simply say you prefer to remember him the way he was in life - that says it all & you don't have to add anything, neither negative or positive, to that reply. I had an aunt, now deceased, who always went to the funeral home early & signed the book, but never viewed the body or attended the funeral. Anyone that knew her, also knew that they could take their small child or infant to her home & she would care for the children until the funeral was over. I have always thought that was a nice, respectful way to acknowledge the loss of a family member, friend or neighbor without having to attend the funeral service. Be at peace...your decision is YOUR decision & you shouldn't have to make any other comment other than "I prefer to remember him as he was in life." And should some press for further comment, simply smile & repeat the sentence until you are forced to just walk away. : )

What "people"? Not sure if you mean your friends, or your family....I guess either way I'd just be honest and say what you've said here.
If your grandmother is still alive, I'd tell her personally or at least by phone so she's understanding and I'm sure she will be.

please do not consider this a judgement....I believe in facing my fears. I believe that without closure, you will not be able to properly release your emotions regarding this event- & that of your dad's.

If you allow this to rule your life, then how will your children face death? My heart goes out to you. My father passed away in the last year....on the anniv of my daughter's death. I did not think that I could make it thru....but I did & feel such a sense of Peace. What was soooo absolutely insurmountable to me .....became bearable & even okay.....as the rituals & rites of passing were blessed. I am very proud that both of my sons were pall bearers at their Grandfather's funeral....& others before/since then. This is a life skill which my sons have fully-embraced & will carry them thru life.

Soooo, I wish you Peace. I wish I could make this all go away for you...& the fact that you are concerned with others' opinions....concerns me. Time for some soul-searching!

Do not feel guilty. Everybody grieves in their own way. Maybe you could send a card to your grandmother and call her if you can.

Grief is very personal and you do not owe anyone an explanation. If asked, just simply say something like, "I have personal reasons for choosing not to go." If you choose to offer more than that, that's completely up to you, but you don't have to explain any more than that. If someone gets upset, it's their own issue and due to the way they choose to express grief and maybe just not understanding your decision, but don't take it personal! I'm very sorry for your loss.

I had a co-worker that just said "I don't do wakes or funerals, sorry, but will be keeping him/her in my prayers". Seemed to work for her but she is a bold woman. You can just say if you have to explain yourself " I wanted to be there but I suffer from panic attacks and didn't want to risk disurbing the other mourners". And I would call your grandmother and explain the situation, I'm hope she'll understand.