Grandchildren Favortism

My sister's MIL would give empty promises. Sis finally called my mother and asked her to come up for some Grandma time with the kids, told her what the MIL had been doing.
Now the kids are teens, 13, 15, 17, and 19 and have nothing to do with their other Grandmother. They are close to my mom though.

I know a few grandmothers like this, and they proudly announce to the world who their favorite is, so it is very obvious they know what it going on.

All you can do is build up your daughter's self esteem, so she realizes her grandma's opinion of her or the amount of time they have together doesn't matter.

Also, have you tried discussing this with her grandma? She may not even realize it. I would definitely do that, calmly and gently let her know that she lets her granddaughter down with her empty promises and think of some ways together to help bridge the gap. Also, do not allow her to make promises to your daughter, you may need to directly tell her this, if she wants to plan something, go through you because she falls through on her promises and it hurts your little girl. If she wants to take her shopping on Saturday, let your daughter know Saturday morning when grandma confirms she is on her way to pick her up.

I have 7 grandchildren, from 19 down to 2.5, and love them all dearly. They are each their own person, individuals in their own right, and I respect that. I don't compare them to each other, it wouldn't be fair to any of them. I do different things with each of them, some like to go out and eat, play the guitar, do gymnastics, shop, cook, whatever, my goal is to make them happy and develop good memories. The time I spend with them will never be equal, though, not ever, for various reasons.

If your MIL is showing favortism it's her loss, each of her grandchildren is a blessing in a different way. But she is the way she is. I believe in open communication as well, and you can talk to her and tell her you don't like the way she seems to neglect/ignore/leave out your daughter, but even stated in a nice way it will more than likely just make her defensive and not change anything. Talk to your husband and see if he can be the one to approach her or has any ideas of what to say.

I would work on helping your daughter understand that sometimes people make promises and don't keep them, and use it as a learning tool. Remind her if she ever goes back on something she promised how it makes her feel when someone doesn't do what they said they would. As she gets older tell her that no one is perfect, we all have our faults, and sometimes we don't think about how our behavior affects others. When she says she wants her nana to visit her at lunch agree with her that, yes, that would be nice, but not to be disappointed if she doesn't. Give her a hug and kisses to take away her sadness, remind her she has YOU. Kids are perceptive, she's going to figure it out someday and when nana wants to spend time with her she may not want to :(

If nothing else, this is teaching you how NOT to treat your grandchildren when you eventually have them ~ {{HUGS}}

Hi R.,

I'm curious - you said "he does have some issues, which is why we don't invite him over to our house alot".

Is your MIL overcompensating because of his 'issues'? Are there other families who would prefer not to deal with him, so you MIL feels like she has to defend him? Some people will always champion the underdog. Just from your post, it kinda sounds like that is what MIL does b'cuz you say if you bring up something your daughter does then the MIL compares it.

I don't think you're being nitpicky. When we were little my grandmother didn't like me. And she let it show. So, kinda 'reverse favoritism' I guess. She would bring my sister and brother gifts and treats and would always say "I didn't see anything I thought you would like". my mom would never stick up for me and THAT actually hurt more than the fact that my g'ma didn't like me. So, I think you should definitely stick up for your daughter... at least to your daughter. You don't say how old they are, but maybe you have a talk with your daughter that you know she is hurt by grandma doing stuff with Johnny but not with her and that's why SHE needs to make sure SHE doesn't play favorites (with her friends, when she is older etc etc) - turn it into a teaching moment with your daughter.

As far as how to approach your MIL - I wouldn't bring up favoritism. I would just start inviting your MIL to do stuff with your daughter. now, empty promises I would confront.... tell your MIL that she needs to not tell your daughter that something will happen until she knows it actually will - that it makes your daughter sad when she thinks she had plans and then they fall through without additional communication.

Good Luck.

I had that problem with mine when my youngest was born. she paid attention to him and not my oldest that was doing everythign to get her attention. I had to have my husband talk to her. Sometimes it comes better from their child than the in law. She didn't realize that she was doing that. If you feel comfortable talking to her directly do it and let her know this is how your daughter feels. That's all you can do. You dont' sound like a snob at all it's your kid.

Good luck and God Bless!

You don't say how old your daughter is, but I think, especially since you believe in open communication, that if your daughter's feelings were hurt, she should simply call nana and tell her that she's hurt her feelings and that she would really like it if she could come visit her at lunch as well. (Assuming the distance is reasonable.) Let your MIL hear it from the horse's mouth, not yours. That way, she has to deal with the feelings she's hurt. My ex-in laws used to tell my daughter that the reason they didn't spend time with her was because I wouldn't allow them to. As you can imagine, it caused all kinds of problems between my daughter and myself. So, I took a very unusual course of action. I filed visitation papers with the court asking the court to award them visitation. I served them with the papers and when court day came, myself and my daughter appeared in court. The judge said she thought it was very unusual and in fact had never seen this and asked me why I did it. I explained about the problems being caused between my daughter and I because her grandparents lie to her and say I won't let them see her. Again, the judge said this is unusual, but legal and it makes sense so she asked my daughter to stand up and explained to my daughter in open court that she was making the order and that the grandparents cannot now blame me and she made sure my daughter understood. When we got home, my daughter called her grandparents and told them what happened and their response "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard" but they didn't get to use me as their excuse any longer. All this to say, have your daughter talk to her grandmother and you stay out of it. That way, there is no middle man to be blamed and grandma will have to deal with it headon. Also, I think maybe she does the comparison because perhaps she feels like you don't like the grandson and she's trying to make up for the fact that part of his family doesn't want him at their house. I think I might over-compensate if someone felt like that about my grandson. So, the problem isn't only her, it's you as well!

First of all I always tried to protect our daughter from noticing her grandmother favored the other grandchildren over her. I did not share what she was doing with them or giving them. How did your daughter even know about the lunch?

Or I acted like it was normal. Behind the curtain I had my husband speak with his mother and give examples so she would realize what was going on.. It never changed.. They even went to therapy where she admitted she "was just closer to her daughter and her family more than us".

Fast forward and it all came to a head when our daughter graduated from HS and I was done. I told my husband and daughter I was no longer going to put up with the behavior.. Our daughter said she had realized the behavior for a long time and not to worry about it..

I have to practically force my husband and daughter to even go and visit her. To call her.. anything.. Her loss.

Have your husband speak with her. Remember most people will not change.. so either be prepared for her to try to make a effort or not to change. Expect the least so that any attempt will be pleasing.

There are so many reasons grandkids might not get equal treatment. Living closer to one family, a child (or family) with greater needs, or conversely, even a child with an 'easier' personality whom the grandparent finds more rewarding to hang out with. I'm truly glad I don't have to juggle favoritism issues since I have only one grandson, but I can see how easily that could happen.

As GrammaRocks suggests, use as much as you can as a learning opportunity for your daughter – how a person's behavior can affect other people. Keep in mind, too, that if you 'expect' grandma to treat all her grandkids the same, you are begging trouble. I doubt that it would be humanly possible. Be careful not to lay out a sense of guilt entitlement to Grandma's time, attention or gifts; that will not only drive Grandma away from you, but can only result in disappointment.

Rather than wait for or hope for Grandma to choose the time and place for connecting with your daughter, it would probably be more fruitful to invite her for visits that will include treating her to lunch or dinner or some special event. It's possible that she feels that you're leaving too much of the "work" of these plans up to her, and perhaps feels a bit taken for granted.

It's possible, too, that her daughter already does this. Or that her relationship with her daughter leaves her feeling obligated to help more with the other grandchild. You can't see into that relationship well enough to know whether there's any real basis for comparison.

Two thoughts jump out at me from your request. One: I dearly hope you're not reporting back to your daughter the facebook posts that Grandma makes. Two: If she is actually, habitually, making promises that she doesn't or can't keep, talk to her about how disappointing this has become to your daughter. Ask her to keep her visits more spontaneous so you and your daughter won't be let down again and again.

Your concerns are not nitpicky, in my view. You rightfully want your daughter to enjoy the fullness of all family connections. It's possible, however, you don't have enough information to consider the whole situation your MIL is dealing with, resulting in a sense that you're coming out second.

She may, in her own view, be giving all her grandkids all she's got to give, depending on their needs. So, if your daughter's needs arent' being met, SHE might need a little more information to realize that. But I hope you'll be careful to sound grateful for her connection with your daughter, and not blaming about the ways she falls short.

My mom will do TONS of things with or for my 8yr old daughter, but leave my 3yr old son out in the cold. "I don't get along with boys very well... They're mean." <-- My mother's words, not mine.
She'll make every excuse NOT to help me out as far as watching my son for an hour here or there... But she'll be the first to jump at watching my daughter ALL DAY LONG.

And no... Doesn't have anything to do with their ages. My mother has always watched my daughter... From a yr old.

My in laws do the same thing. They favor my niece more cause she was the first born. We found out just recently that they bought her crib and a massive dresser cause she was the first born. Now they are pissed off cause their son is using the crib and dresser for his 15 month old son. They don't think that it is right cause they bought it for their granddaughter. Meanwhile my 3 1/2 yr old gets junk from the dollar store. In the beginning they spent alot of time at my BIL's house. They hardly ever can to see our daughter. Now that our son is here they bought a few things for him but nothing major. Years ago my MIL told me that she had to tell her in laws that they have 2 grandchildren.... well lady you have 4 and you treat them all different. I am angry that she is doing the same thing but doesn't see it that way. All I ever hear is well she was born first. AND????? That should not make a difference. My daughter is very independant and can do things on her own and my MIL yells at her all the time. When I say no she says yes and vice versa. I think she does it cause she doesn't like me. But that is fine cause I don't like her, but don't take it out on my kids.
All of the kids should be treated equally and not one favored over the other. That is just wrong!