Last year I threw myself a birthday party (yes, I have to throw my own birthday parties because otherwise no one notices), well, I was one class away from graduating and had planned on doing it over the summer. Hubby decided to tell everyone that the party was also my graduation party...and not a single soul said anything about me graduating or anything. In fact, no one said happy birthday, congrats...no celebrating my special day (which was what it was supposed to be) just a bunch of friends getting together for beer and BBQ. So basically just another one of our big BBQs.
Fast forward to this semester. I ended up taking time off because the pregnancy was too much, and then the delivery was too hard. So this semester I went and talked to my advisor and they switched my degree plan around slightly and I had to take 3 classes to graduate. Ok fine. Well, this semester has been really hard, but I did it! Next week is finals and even if I fail them, I pass (but I've studied so hard I should pass). I should add, it's taken me seven years to get an associate's. (Yes, that's seven, 7 years.)
Well, hubby graduate's this semester as well. Tuesday his finals are done. He's on target to pass as well. I'm throwing him a graduation party. He's worked so hard to get his degree (in two years) while working full time and I'm proud of him. The funny thing is, he doesn't need his degree. He already makes really good money and nothing will change once he has his degree (ie. no pay raise, no promotion, etc.)
His party is the day after my birthday. I'm trying really hard not to say anything about the fact that I finally graduated too, but how do I make him realize that this is something super important to me and I'm so proud of myself for finally doing it? In addition, how do I handle my birthday? I'm thinking I'm just going to throw him his BBQ party and then when everyone leaves, I'm going to sit in the bathtub with the door locked, light some candles, have a glass of champagne and a cupcake and throw myself a little party.
What do you think? Am I being the bigger person and handling this right? Or should I say something to him?
Edited to add: Hubby and I do have great communication skills. I don't want anyone to think we don't talk. I know he thinks I had my graduation party already, so this one isn't as important. In addition, he didn't ask for a graduation party, I decided to throw him one to tell him I was proud of him for completing a degree he doesn't need. (And no, he doesn't need it. He's in IT and the more certifications you have the better your job typically. He had the highest certifications possible before he started and the only reason he is getting his degree is because his employer started a pilot program for high school graduates and they wanted their best people in the program to test it...he was chosen. 27 people started the associate's program, four graduate next week.)
Also, my kids are all in school. I had two pregnancies during my 7 years trying to get my associate's degree. They were both surrogacies. The last one was extremely difficult. I had hyperemesis the entire pregnancy and still managed to finish two semesters.
I guess more than anything I just want someone, on their own, to recognize how hard I've worked for this degree. I give so much to everyone else and I want someone to do something for me for once. (Yes, I know that sounds super selfish, I can't help it...so if you want to flame me for being selfish for once in my life, flame away.)
Well, I talked to my husband and explained to him how I felt slighted with the whole graduation thing. I explained to him the reason I didn't want the BBQ in May 2010 to be a graduation thing is because I hadn't graduated and the surrogacy was kicking my butt and it just didn't feel right. He told me that he'll do something special to honor me and all the hard work I put into this degree.
Also wanted to clear up a couple of things: We have BBQs every couple of months (we'd do them more but we spend around $500 on the meat, then 24 hours smoking it all...that takes a lot!) and rarely are they centered around an announcement or event.
As far as celebrating my birthday, that isn't as big a deal as the graduation is to me. I know that on my birthday we'll do the cake/ice cream thing and whatever I choose for my special dinner. I'm sorry that the rest of you don't celebrate your birthday. In our family everyone has their special day where we celebrate them and the day they entered this world, because our world would be a different place without that person in it.
Thank you all for you input. I guess I thought he knew (because I had mentioned it) that I really wanted to celebrate my graduation as well. It apparently took me really explaining it to him to make him realize it.
didn't you already say you had a party???? a bubble bath and a "yeah me" is really all you need. You know when it comes down to it, no one really knows how work and how hard you worked. Don't rely on others to make you feel good.
Unfortunately, men are idiots. You have to speak up, even if it's ridiculously obvious. Don't lay in to him, just let him know how you are feeling and don't apologize. Be clear on what you want to and prepared to ask for it. Sorry, but this is just a fact of life.
Honey-you should be screaming it from the highest building! You were able to accomplish all this while having a baby. Get everyone on board-have pot luck BBQ with the families-and take a lot of pictures to make it a night to remember-I don't even know you but I am proud of you-both! Don't forget your cake-it's why you're there-in a succession of good works that led to your degree. God bless and all the saints offer you their strength.
Put a bouquet of flowers, or somehing on a small table with BOTH of your diplomas. Then once the party is in full swing, call a toast, and toast to both your and your husband's successful completion of a degree. Done.
Although I would do the private party later, TOO!
Men are thick as bricks for the most part. If you don't tell them what you need, how you feel, or what you want - they have absolutely no clue.
The party should be for both of you. Put your framed diplomas out for all to see. You need to ask him to make a toast to you and you make a toast to him.
As for the birthday - buy yourself something you've really wanted. Wrap it up and give it to him. Tell him to give it to you on your birthday. This way you get a present to unwrap and you get what you want. If you want a bubble bath with candles and a cupcake, do that, too!
YMMV
LBC
Sorry but you're an adult and should be able to handle not having a birthday party and you also shouldn't need a party to feel proud of your accomplishments. I was a single mom and pregnant and going to school for nursing. Was I upset I didn't have a party?....nope I was proud of myself and that was more then enough for me.
It sounds like husband is not very good about planning graduation parties and birthday celebrations. I think you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel and what you would like to see him do for you. Some people are better about all this than others. I think that you should stop playing passive and let him know what's on your mind. Just remember, it is not so much what you say but how you say it. If you get very emotional about it or go about it in a very acusatory fashion, he'll automatically get defensive and shut out anything you have to say. Just tell him that you would like to have a joint graduation party for the two of you and ask him what he has planned for your birthday. I think he should at least be planning something for the two of you to do separate and apart from the party.
Honesty and communication is very important in all marriages. This is just one of many chances you will have to develop these skills with him.
Good Luck, Congratulations and Happy Birthday!!!
Hi Jennifer H,
Congratulations on your graduation! I know firsthand how it is to work on a degree while parenting and pregnant - it is really tough. You were great to hang in there, do what was needed for you and your baby, and then return to finish the degree. This is something you can always be proud of accomplishing.
Some folks like you love to connect with people and throw great parties. Others are simply happy to have you throw the parties for them. This does not mean your hubby or anyone else doesn't care. They just need a "verbal nudge" to remind them how important this is.
Sit your hubby down and tell him how you are feeling. Be gentle yet direct. You might suggest he let other loved ones know that you are both proud of what you've done and would appreciate others noticing it, too. You could instead talk with hubby and then a few friends or loved ones if that feels more appropriate. Then relax and enjoy the party knowing you've spoken your mind and the rest is up to your hubby and other loved ones.
Congratulations,
Parent Coach J. B.
Why can't you throw a joint graduation party... for both of you? I think what you wrote is fine... tell him that you're excited about graduating and would like to have your achievement included in the party too. I mean, it's not like you're asking people to bring graduation presents, right? (or wait... are you? If you are, then leave it as just hubby's party since people would have already brought presents for you last year).
As for birthdays, I don't know. As an adult, I just don't feel the need to have all my friends take notice of my birthday, so I'd say yeah - do something nice for yourself the day after.
Oh my gosh, don't sit on this! Men are NOT usually good at recognizing our needs for celebration this way. While I would much rather my spouse organized these celebrations, it doesn't happen without intervention. For example, for Mothers Day, I told him to contact the two college aged kids and organize a dinner. I need to go remind him to make a reservation. Sit the man down and say you want to celebrate both graduations and your birthday at one big party. Hang streamers and balloons saying happy birthday and happy graduation with both your names. Let people know when you invite them that you're celebrating 3 special occasions. Give your husband assignments...buy a birthday cake, blow up balloons, all that. You may have to take the lead, but people need a cue to know how much you want to celebrate.
Good luck and congratulations!
realizing i dont know you and i could be completely wrong about this. from what i read above i get the impression that you have bbq's often and perhaps there is a big anouncement made at each of them weather its were preggers or graduated or birthday. perhaps your friends are kind of over the supprise announcing at the bbq's. they no longer have a celebration feel to them because its been done over and over. bbq and an announcment. if you want it to be special make it special out of the ordinary. put up some banners for the exact celibration that your having. its either a grad party or a birthday party. let your friends know that is what you will be celebrating that day. After a certian age perhaps its 21 birthday celebrations for adults are truly recognized on the major ones (30,40,(sometimes 45) 50, 75,80) Why dont you plan something with your husband for your graduation. Only AFTER you are truly complete with school and no longer are going to set foot in the building. Congrats on all your hard work!
You are NOT selfish. You have been through a lot! The sad thing I have to report after 25 yrs of marriage is that if you do not value yourself they will not value you. I gave and gave and gave until around 18 yrs of marriage I about had a break down waiting for the day when he would reciprocate and give me some of the positive that I had always given him, physical, monetary and emotional, but I NEVER got it back. After counseling I found out that I have to say plain and loud and clear what I need and take care of myself with massages, pedicures and vacations when I need them because my husband does not take care of me. (Also if I want a party I have to throw it) It is fantasy that women have that men are going to take care of them and they do not do it 95% of the time. But do not think you are selfish. Also doing things for him thinking he will get the message and reciprocate is useless. They do not get it.
Contrary to popular opinion, not all men are idiots. But some are not gifted with planning parties. They feel that they would not do it "right" so the pressure is too much. If you really want a 3-in-1 party, just plan it yourself and don't come across as a martyr. (That's probably not you but there may be others out there.) Men don't want to be reminded of how hard you work and imply they don't. Give your husband jobs that he can do and let him know how much you appreciate what he did to help out. Enjoy planning together.
As far as getting the recognition, if you didn't marry someone who is demonstrative in giving accolades, then just ask with a smile, "Aren't you proud of me for all the work I put in to finish my degree?" When he says, "Yes, of course!" just believe him and give him a hug. If you want your kids to acknowledge you, do the same thing with a smile saying, "Aren't you glad you have a mom who works so hard to be a good mom?" When they say yes, then give them a big hug. If you like hugs, just ask for them.
And, way to go on completing your degree!
Ask for what you need. You can't guarantee that you will get what you want, but you will have at least put it out there. If you don't say a word, he won't know what you are feeling. Men aren't mind readers and its unfair to expect him to notice your upset without telling him whats going on with you....Be honest and open and see if you can have a celebratory day for you as well--even if its just you and him and the kids. You graduated! Congrats and hope it works out well for you.
Molly
You go girl! I know so many women who won't get out of bed before 9am, much less do anything challenging.
I personally know how hard it is to go to school while having kids in the house. My son was 2 when I went back and I can't believe I survived.
I don't know what to tell you about your own celebrations. On one hand, its great you want a party for graduation or bday. There is nothing wrong w/that and its okay to have personal expectations. On the other hand, unless you say something or even arrange something specific for you, you might not get your wish. I guess its whatever you are willing to live with that will dictate your next steps.
GL and CONGRATULATIONS! What an accomplishment esp for a pregnant mom!
I haven't had a birthday party in years. My husband didn't have a graduation party either. It doesn't make since that two of you are graduating but only one gets the party... sounds like the invites need to be reworded to include the celebration of BOTH of you graduating. And, I wouldn't bother with the birthday party, really. People really don't care *that much* about other adult's birthdays. Go out to dinner as a family the next night for it.
Also, just b/c your husband makes good money now doesn't mean he will in the future... a degree is always useful to have.
Congratulations on completing the study to obtain your degree. That is wonderful. As for the celebration aspect, sometimes people just don't get it. Why not roll it all into one and invite family and friends over to the "3 in 1" (your last name) Celebration!! Join us as we celebrate Jennifer's Birthday, (your husband's name) Degree and Jennifer's Degree (not to be confused with rumors that she received it previously. Bring yourselves and a festive attitude because as you can see we've got alot to celebrate!
Those who come will then know exactly what's going on and once they "get it", they'll respond accordingly. I'd resist the urge to celebrate in solitary way because it is just going to make you feel bad when what you really want to do is celebrate with everyone. There's nothing wrong with tooting your own horn if there's something to toot about.
Celebrate!!
