Good Touch and Bad Touch Talk

"A Very Touching Book...for Little People and for Big People" by Jan Hindman is a great place to start talking about good touch, bad touch, and secret touch.

Families have different traditions, and kids can get confused very easily on this subject. We live very close to my parents and to my brother. Growing up we would hug, kiss on the cheek, I think I sometimes kissed my parents on the lips. I noticed my dad would usually shake hands with my grandpas and uncles (I've been told it's an Irish thing).

The first time I met my husband's family, his mom greeted me with a kiss on the lips. My first thought was, "What the hell!!! I don't know you!" It kind of freaked me out. His family thinks it's really weird to greet people any other way. This has really confused my boys. I talk to them and remind them that each family has their own traditions and that we try to respect people and their differences and their comfort level.

I'm not suggesting that anyone in your cousin's family routinely greats each other with a french kiss. I'm just saying that he might have seen someone do that and got curious. It's more likely that one of them saw it on tv or in a movie (or even saw and aunt and uncle kiss) and decided to try it.

It does seem like a 13 year old would know better, but sometimes young teens do stupid things. Assuming this really did happen the way your 5 year old described it, why not just talk to the parents of the 13 year old. Just tell them what your daughter said and ask them if they could just talk to their son. But let them handle it. 13 is still very young. I would be very upset if someone confronted my child instead of talking to me, and a 13 year old is still a child.

be careful with the confrontation. your upset is perfectly natural, but please read marda's response carefully. she's had experience with this sort of thing, and it's important to keep in mind that you are going on a 5 year old's word. i don't think for a second that your child is lying, but if the boy just kissed her and it was sloppy, and your child had seen a soap opera kiss on the same afternoon, it would be very very easy for her to put 'em together in her mind.
yet if this teenager IS experimenting, it needs to be stopped. 'confronting' has an accusatory bias and will almost certainly backfire if not handled right.
but it's imperative to start working (calmly!!) with your daughter on what's permissible. it may be best to tell her to present her cheek to anyone but M. and daddy, and to use her words to say 'cheek, please!' if anyone else tries to kiss her on the lips. and certainly about bathing suit areas and privacy.
khairete
S.

I'm sorry but the fact that this happened during play wrestling is a red flag.
No one puts their tongue in another's person's mouth when they give a
hello kiss as kids.
Esp worrisome is that this is a teen that should know better.
I would never let them be together unsupervised by you!
You can say something to him w/his parents if you want (that is a separate issue).
For now tell your baby that when kids or someone kisses her they don't
use their tongue. Tell her she no longer has to kiss her cousin or anyone else for that matter. Show her how someone should kiss her on
the cheek.

No personal experience with that problem thankfully but as far my daughter now 6, I taught her to kiss everyone on the cheek. Only married M.'s and Daddy's can kiss on the lips. She also know to tell me if anyone breaks that rule.
As far as the cousin, that would be a serious red flag. Not sure if I would be angry or concerned. You did not say the age of the cousin, but most teens would not think it the thing to do if it had not be done to them. I would limit contact to closely supervised and watch carefully. Talking to him might get him to back off, and if you are close with him maybe you can convey to him that is not okay and get to the bottom if why he did it. Talk to his parents if you really believe there is an issue with him, but know that a lot if folks would take it poorly and it could damage familial relationships.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I will say a prayer for your family.

Well, a friend of mine once got completely upset and threw a huge fit. She ranted and went nuts.

Her daughter had come home from dads and done the same thing. When mom asked her where she learned to do that she said "at dads".

So, come to find out the little boy next door didn't know how to give kissed to bigger kids yet and he'd given her a kiss goodbye. With mom and dad and girls dad right there. It was an innocent baby/toddler kiss to a 3 year old.

When mom was done and found out the innocence of it she was embarrassed. So, from that story I took that we do need to question then suggest something be done. Perhaps you can visit with dad and find out if kiddo even saw the cousin, then mention to him that kiddo stuck their tongue in your mouth.

Then go from there. Let kiddo know that sort of kiss is germy and to not let anyone do that to them, and to tell M. or daddy as soon as it happens again.

Bring it up with his parents, but what ever you do, don't let it go. You are the mama. Get to the bottom of this. Give yourself a moment to regain your composure. As angry as you are, you will get further, get more information, and better protect your child if you approach them with facts, and do everything you can not to blame, name call, or lose control of your emotions. Put yourselves in their shoes for a moment. They now have to consider the horrifying possibility that their beloved son is a sexual predator. So chose your words carefully. In the mean time, NEVER let them be alone. Sorry, 13 year old boys don't french kiss to be silly. Something is not right here.

Good job staying calm and not freaking out your daughter! That had to have been difficult to do.

Most 13 year olds are inexperienced but have knowledge to know that "play wrestling" and French kissing your 5 year old cousin is wrong. Talk to his parents. Don't let them be alone. Teach your daughter about boundaries and remind her often.

I'm sorry. :(

Your daughter may not think something is a bad touch when they are "wrestling", but it still may be. I would explain that nothing is touched that is covered by a swimsuit, except for parents and doctors, (and you may want to add: until she gets married). Kisses with tongues are only for someone you will marry. And it is against the law to marry cousins. I would then talk to the parents of the 13-year-old, who would handle it correctly if they are responsible parents. If they are not responsible parents, I would not allow him to ever come over again, and I would tell them why. If more did happen (already in the past - as play wrestling), I would report it to the authorities if the parents do not cooperate. Be as kind as you can, but be firm. Your daughter is more important to you than being kind to a cousin and having her childhood destroyed. Good luck! I am glad that you are trying to do the right thing for her.

First, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I am so sorry that your daughter is experiencing something like this. I send you both much love.

On handling the situation:
Step 1: Breathe. Release and Breathe again.
Step 2: Talk to the parent of your cousin. Tell them what your child did and said. Then listen.
Step 3: talk to the teen and ask for their side of things. and listen.
Step 4: let them know that you MUST REPORT this situation. It is inappropriate and must be reported. The teen needs to get help, this is wrong and needs to be taken care of. The parents MUST get counselling for their child. A "talking to" is not sufficient.
Step 5: Follow through. This teen - unless they have a mental disability - already knows what is right and what is wrong - you must help them get the help they need.

Okay talking to your child:
Step 1: talk about good and bad touch - good touch are hugs and kisses (not on the lips) It will take some time for her to understand this - she will probably see many people kissing on the lips - you teach her those people are in a different kind of love than M. daughter love - or whatever words work best for her.
Step 2: Teach her about the "one piece bathing suit zone" NOBODY touches her there without M. present - not even a doctor - it is NEVER a secret if someone does touch her there.
Step 3: Remove her from seeing that cousin until he gets the help. Then still do not leave her alone with him until you are certain that she is safe.
Step 4: Ask your daughter how she feels about it. If she thought it was "fine" or felt funny" - then discuss with her what that means to her. DO NOT plant ideas in her head. Allow her to process this in her own time. Get her counselling to ensure that was all there was to it.

About dealing with your own feelings.
Step 1: Breathe and release. This is not your fault, you could not have prevented this, you did nothing wrong. I teach a class with the Red Cross about Healthy Relationships and the NUMBER 1 rule is it is never the victims fault.(or in your case the mom of the victim).
Step 2: Breathe and know that you are handling the situation.
Step 3: Breathe and know that your family may be upset with you, or they may not believe you, or they may even try to tell you that it's "nothing". Do not listen. If they are not the support group for you, go and find one.
Step 4: Love your little girl every day and let her know that M. is there and will always be there for her.

B.