Good Guy and Bad Guy in Parenting

As a stay at home mother, I experience much the same thing with my 2 year old - I am unquestionably the "bad guy": I am the disciplinarian, I am the one that creates and enforces the rules, and even though I know that my daughter loves me, once daddy comes home, I'm chopped liver. It does hurt a mother's feelings after you give your heart, soul, life and undivided attention to your child only to have him/her seem to scorn your attention once your partner gets home. My husband is the playmate, and while he supports me and backs me in my discipline of our daughter, he is unquestionably the "good guy".
This, Im afraid, is just how it is for most, if not all, stay at home mothers who's partners work out of the home. We spend ALL day with our children: and you know how, sometimes, we get tired and frustrated of being in the company of sometimes poorly behaved children, and just need a moment to ourselves? Our children become just as frustrated when having to spend all day, every day with the same person (usually mommy). They need their time away and need to feel as if they have some independence over themselves and their own life too. Your child will never truly appreciate everything you do for them and what you sacrifice for them until THEY have their own children: but that is part of being a mother - giving to your child unconditionally, even though they will never appreciate or understand it and you.
Its alright and appropriate for your son to seem to enjoy his time with his father more than he does with you: Daddy is a different face and different in the way in which he relates to his son. You have to allow your son to have that special relationship with his father, just as he has a special and unique relationship with you that he will not experience with his father, and not become bitter or jealous. There is no way to stop that growing independence, and you should in no way attempt to hold him back - your son is no longer a baby, and in the process of discovering the uniqueness of himself and his own thoughts in a much deeper way than he did when he was 2 or 3- and you cant force him into the kisses and coddles. Just remind yourself that this too will pass: and know that he DOES love you, but the way in which he chooses to display those feelings are changing as he grows older. Accept it instead of being saddened by it: your son is coming into his own, and you can't stop that train. Don't make him feel guilty for changing, as he has no control over that.
These are some of the sacrifices we make as mothers: it is often a thankless job, but remind yourself that, regardless of how your child relates differently towards you or your husband, you are raising a future man, and it is important that he experience special relationships with both mom AND dad in different ways to be a well-rounded human being. Being a mother is the HARDEST job in the world, and it is easy to feel unappreciated - appreciate YOURSELF, and see what an amazing thing you are doing by raising a child.

Dad needs to back you up or the child won't listen to you either.... Make sure you have his support and that he backs you so the child will respect what you say. If he doesn't, you are swimming up stream.

I have found in my household, Women tend to instinctively know to tell the child to grab a coat b/c it's cold outside... where Dad forgets his coat too! ;0) he he

If dad is traveling alot, he is not disciplining as much and wont want to since his time is limited with the child. It's like grand parent syndrome. They want to spoil the child b/c they don't have to deal with putting him/her down on a school night at bed time...

Good cop bad cop doesn't work. You need to get your husbands support and somehow, maybe get him a parenting book or express to him this isn't helping. Anywho, this is my perspective anyway. Hope it improves.

dad's job is to be a Dad first and friend second.

Hi W.,

That good cop/bad cop parenting pattern can definitely feel painful, especially when we're the bad cop! The good news is that you are creating the structure in which your son thrives, and children intuitively recognize this as love and care. Those things won't push your son away. Children also naturally go through different developmental periods when they are naturally closer to one parent than the other. That said, it's important that you create opportunities for just you and your son to have fun together also, perhaps when dad isn't home or is busy doing his thing. That way, your son won't just see you as the one-dimensional disciplinarian. I wonder why you aren't pushing for you husband to share in the discipline. Is it that he doesn't want to give up his good guy role, or that perhaps you like being in charge? Another question might be what you think is causing your son to be an overachiever? Some kids are wired that way, but often (as in the case of my son, who is now 10), they are picking up the energies and expectations of one or both parents.

Anyway, some food for thought. Best wishes!

L. K.

Hello,

My suggestion might seem a little off the wall to you, but trust me, it's actually good advice. If you want your husband to take a stronger hand in discipline then you actually have to step back. In family there will always be a balance. If one person is over the top in an area, the partner will balance that by going over the top in another. So right now, your husband is good-time fun daddy and you're the "I said now" mommy. Try being the good-time fun mom for a week and see if your husband steps up to the plate in the discipline department. You have to actually restrain yourself though, the method doesn't actually work unless you stick to it, and actually have fun with your son, when normally you might be disciplining.

After a week of practicing that, you'll see some changes. Rather than going back to be the discipliner, go for a balance. Let your son stay up sometimes, and other times know when to pull the plug. Your husband will balance that out too and you'll find a very nice rhythm in your home.

Best of luck,
T.

W., I can't speak from experience, but I can tell you a little about what my husband has told me about his child hood. He said any disapline that his father wanted to impliment came through his Mom, his Dad would tell his Mom and she would follow through with it. Although his Dad did not interact much with him until he got older. Now that my husband and I have three children we share in the disaplin, I have to remind him at times that it is his job too, other wise he would just play all the time with them and no disapline would get done on his part. But I fully believe in co-parenting, it is very important! Maybe take a parenting class with your husband, that might be a good place to start. Hope that helps.
Happy Holidays!
A.

It sounds like Dad wants to be the friend because he's away alot. That being said, he needs to figure out how to be the parent but still have your child still like him. The same way you do! Children have plenty of friends, but they have very few parents. Discuss this with your husband, with discipline/scheduling you need to be on the same page. The hugging and kissing thing with your son is normal. He's 6, he doesn't want Mom hanging on him all the time, he needs to figure out how to be independant. I am not looking forward to this stage. Just know that as long as you love him, show your love, and tell him you'll always love him, he'll know. Then when he's a little older, he'll still be close. That being said, I would never stop kissing and cuddling my children! It sounds like you are doing fine, just need a little more help from hubby. I don't have much advice there, but I wish you luck!

Hi W.,

I had the same resentments. Here we are, keeping them fed, dry, entertained/educated, healthy ... and as soon as dad floats in - bang! He's the hero. We had the same experience with my husband's ex. She always showered them with gifts and fun adventures during her time with them, then back to us...rules, homework, chores...very, very frustrating. Problem is -- there's not much you can do about it other than thank the good lord that you have a loving husband who comes home after work and loves his family.

I, too am struggling with the whole letting them grow up. The cuddle stage passes too quickly. I'm still mourning it and my daughter is 18!

In other words: you have nothing to worry about. It is all very common and we just have to share our experiences and it will help!

V.

Be aware that your son is in the normal age where they stop wanting the hugs and kisses so much. They are starting to try to identify with the parent of the same sex because that is where they will learn their gender roles from. That said, You could try making a special time each week where you and him do something just the two of you. A time of enjoyment where you get to be the fun one. As well, you should talk to your husband, away from your son, and tell him how you feel. Talk it out and explain what you would like him to do to change the situation and explain to him why you feel your son needs to do things at certain times instead of being allowed to finish what he is doing before he goes to bed. I hope this helps

I find myself in the same position. I get kids ready, off to school, pick up from school, do your homework, make your bed, pick up your dirty clothes, yada-yada-yada. My husband takes them to McDonalds, makes forts with them, all the fun stuff. I was feeling pretty rotten until I realize one nite, when the power went off and the wind was blowing, they called out for me. Even though I am the diciplinarian (?), I am also their security. Watch and see who he calls for when he is scared or hurt. That is a much better feeling than being a buddy. I know that when my kids are sad or scared...they want their mommy.

Sounds like you need to find a better balance. My son will be 6 in March and we still make time for kisses and coddles everyday. My husband walked out on us 4 years ago and my son doesn't have a father, so I have to make time to play and be the disciplinarian - - -Schedules are important, but not as important as love....

If you feel like your son is emotionall drafting away from you - follow your mommy instincts and bring him back... Set aside a certain time - for a weekly date with your son - pick a date and time frame - keep it consistent and that is your special time with your son - no nagging no rules - he picks the activity and you just be agreeable for a few hours a week..... You will be surprised at what he picks - sometimes my son picks things for himself and every once in a while he will surprise me with selecting a treat that is for me... :)

Enjoy him now - they grow too fast...

As mother of two grown sons, I too had a similar problem. To add insult to injury, my husband would make it a point to tell other adults how I was the disciplinarian in the house to make himself look like the good guy.

My advice is to stand your ground and do the best you can. As adults, my sons always tell me how much they appreciate my discipline when they were younger (even though they didn't like it when they were gong through it). Just remember to tell him why you are doing it so he understands and no matter what, tell him you love him. It builds character and self esteem. Trust me, he will thank you for being the grounded and fair one. :-) (Don't forget to take advantage of the boys day out to do something for yourself to refresh).

Hi W.,
It seems to me that you and your husband have two different ideas about what's best for children. You believe in enriching his life through music lessons and keeping a schedule, while your husband believes in nourishing his creativity which can't be regulated in neat little time slots.

Your husband is emotionally connecting to how upsetting it is to be in the middle of something and being interrupted. He might have struggled with these issues as a child. When we are interrupted it can be incredibly difficult to come back to the train of thought and discovery we were in, also very frustrating. Your husband may feel guilty about being gone so much, and want to only have the fun stuff,and while that is part of being a dad, it's not the only part.

You mentioned that he is an overachiever already. Do you mean that he is just naturally good at things and ahead of his peers, or that he is "internally driven" to be perfect and gets upset if he isn't? That would give you a clue as to where it is coming from and how you can help him.

I think it would be good for you to hear your husbands heart about your scheduling stuff, and let him hear yours regarding always feeling like the "enforcer". Help him understand that you are sensing the attitude "we could really have fun if it weren't for mom!" It is clear that you both love your son and want what's best for him. How scheduled does his life have to be at 6 years old? I'm assuming you are a stay at home mom. My best advice is to enjoy your child's journey. Let him explore, let him adventure, let him discover who he is and what he wants to do with his life.

My prayer is that your mothers heart be comforted now in this time of "the guys hanging together", and that you would find thru the years that no one can take your place in your sons heart. You don't have to be a naggy mom. You do need to be loved and supported by your husband for the excellent job you are doing in his absence :D Have fun with your little boy. Let him have fun with mommy, the only one stopping that is you. There doesn't have to be a "good cop bad cop" thing with your son.

You don't know it, but you are sooo lucky! I know you feel that your'e the bad guy alot, but you're taking on the nagging job of making sure your son does his work, etc. while your husband is the entertaining, passive one. It's the major part of motherhood, I'm afraid, but part of the job. In my case, my husband never did diddily squat for our son while he was growing up, and now that he is almost 19, he is very bitter. None of our 3 grown children(2 girls and the boy)especially like their dad because of his unattentiveness while they were young. So be thankful that your husband is very nurturing to yor son. I envy you. Happy Holidays, C.A.

I am the mom of a 7 yr old boy ( as well as a 2.5yr old) & I frequently feel the same as you. Hubby works long hours & most nights, he's isn't home til late....boys in jammies or bed & he wants to see them. The constant quandry....do I stick to the schedule or let them see Daddy? My husband is generally pretty understanding about this but there are still plenty of times it's a struggle. I, too, set the rules, mostly enforce them & take care of all scheduling, do the homework as well as household stuff. It does get pretty frustrating. The one diff is my husband pitches in on the discipline & supports what I say. Older son prefers to be w/Daddy on the weekends which is the time I can do things alone w/him. Sometimes it's a struggle & he'd prefer to be home w/Daddy which hurts. Once little bro goes to bed I get cuddles & kisses from him but he's kinda out-growing that. Same as your son & it is typical at this age. So, my suggestion, talk w/your husband & let him know he needs to help out w/discipline & overall, be on the same page as you. Since you're the primary caregiver, chances are you'll do more disciplining but make sure he supports you, especially in front of your son. If your son sees that Daddy doesn't take part in helping discipline, he may start tuning you out& thinking he doesn't have to listen to you. This was a problem we had but talked it out. Also, try to plan fun things to do w/your son. Hope this helps good luck!

I think it's important to both parents be the rule setters, to share evenly on discipline, etc. My partner and I are very clear we need to agree on discipline, schedules, etc (at least in front of our child), also that we have to take turns. I tend to be flexible and my partner more firm, so we try to find a middle ground we can both agree on--and then we share the load as evenly as we can. She does more pick-ups from school (my commute is longer) so does more homework with him. That's why I kick in more around bathtime and picking up toys, also on going over homework during weekends. Our child has learning disabilities and homework is a huge struggle, sounds very different from your child's needs. But why do you let your husband get off easy with the fun role? Your child needs it to be shared, and it sounds like you do too.

Me and my husband have been trying the co parenting tactic. I can say this has greatly enriched our relationship but also our children. I have struggled with this actually being the one that leaves for work and my husband stays home. My in laws actually have encouraged the good guy bad guy strategy. Unfortunately we felt like we were causing chaos and instability emotionally for our kids. In desperation of finding and answer I came across an article that helped me a lot. https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-you-shouldnt-undermine-y...
After reading this it made so much sense. It wasn't an over night change but the results were as night and day. Hopefully this article helps you as it has for me.