Good Girl Gone Bad?

Well you know the "why" she is acting this way, now you just need to figure out how to stop the behavior--especially since the "why" aka her baby sister and her father being away a lot is not going to change.
You already gotten some good advice, I think.
First, she is acting out negatively to get attention from ..period. And she does have a lot to deal with--her dad being gone and a new sibling to "share" the love of her mom. So you need to give her even more attention when she is behaving, and I agree, this means taking some time away from the baby to do so--maybe while the baby is sleeping since she takes more naps...or try and get a sitter once a week for a couple of hours so you can take her to the park, lunch etc. Play it up as "special mommmy and me time." And talk to her about herself, what she is feeling, etc.
Try to remain as calm as possible and not give in to her negative behavior with undo attention since she is doing it to get attention in the first place. If she becomes at all violent or angry with the baby though, have a time out structure in place--but make sure you talk to her about her feelings afterwards, and give her time to talk to you on a regular basis (maybe before bed) about her feelings regarding her sister, her dad, school whatever she wants to talk about, so maybe you can preempt some of these outbursts.
I also agree involving her in the care for the baby is also important--define her role as an older sister. Talk about what that means, and bring her in in any way possible with the baby's care--handing you wipes and diapers, helping with the bath--give her TONS of praise for doing so. She needs to feel important and being a big sister IS important.
Finally, if you do not see some changes, try seeing a professional family counseling that may be able to help. Does the military have these resources for you? Your hands are full with two little ones, so if the military doesn't offer support, check with your church, etc.

Sounds like you could use some family counceling to get some direction in helping you daughter get past her anxiety. Not only does she get a little sister, her dad leaves alot and you have recently moved. That is alot for one little girl.

This is pretty normal behavior considering your circumstances. I remember when my oldest daughter was in kindergarten and we were expecting our 3rd little girl. She was pretty defiant at school. Whatever they asked her to do she did the opposite. It was a tough year, but it did get better. Of course, we didn't have an active duty daddy...that probably adds a whole new dimension to the situation. Sorry you're struggling...will pray for you all.

V. A.
Married for 16 years....Mom of 13, 9, and 8 year old girls. Soon to be 14 and 10.

I have a four yr old and 3yr old- same issues, the four year old may do well in a pre-school setting, they learn so much and it helps at home with having a piece of mind. But your oldest could also use an outlet

Sounds like she had had alot of changes. maybe you could get in a mothers or play group on base. Do you think if she saw other kids her age interacting with younger sibling that it might help? just a thought my two were 6 years a part so I didn't have issues. By the way where are you stationed?

Hello,
you answered most of your questions about your daughter yourself. Since the first child had all of your attention for a long time and really found her security in that, she now faces a threat of losing all that one on one she used to have. It is a big transition for a toddler to understand that you have to share mommy and daddy now. I have a son that is almost 4 and a 7 month old that I babysit a few times per week. My son started acting out with wetting his pants even though he is potty trained. He comes to me more and wants to be held and reassured that he is still loved. I welcome him in and hug him when I am holding the baby and this fixes it for the moment. I pay attention to his feelings and acting out and give him more attention at the time in a loving way so that he understands that the love is there for him too. After doing this consistently he finally sat down on the floor while the baby was sitting up in the kitchen playing with pots and pans and joined in with the baby. He did not hug the baby but showed me he was ok with the baby now. I try not to go overboard with the baby and share the love with him and the baby so their won't be the jealousy episodes. He still acts out with the wetting rarely and soon I am sure that will subside. Everything takes time. You have so much love in you as a mother and to give it to your older child when she acts out is hard, but, try giving her extra hugs and share your love for the baby with her and tell her she is number one and no one can take her place cause mommy and daddy have enough love for both baby and her. Words may not mean anything to her right now,but she sure will remember the hugs and tender moments when she feels down and acts out. Great opportunity to love her when she is unlovable this will show her unconditional love.
I hope this will help and good luck.

my oldest just started it and she is 9 when her baby sisters were born i made her feel involved with her and me. i let her help me feed them( i was sitting beside her supporting the baby's head while she held the bottle. i involved her in diaper change and let her sit on the sofa supervised and hold them. now we are in the tween stage and the sibling rivary is kicking in. maybe you should hire a sitter and devote at least 1 day a week if only for a few hrs to the oldest. that way she knows she has your attention. my cousins daughter used to act like an animal and meow and whimper and stuff and the psychologist told her it was a way of getting attention.

I don't mean this at all in a condescending way, and I haven't read the other responses, but I would definitely get your little one into some counseling right away. I think sometimes when you are in the middle of the situation it's hard to realize how bad it might be, but it is very extreme how she is reacting. Since you are alone with the kids a lot and with your husband being out of town, I think she would be too far gone with the behavior for your family to try to manage it without some outside help. Even if your husband were home, it would be a lot to manage. Plus you have said she is already regressing in other areas of her life, besides just the behavior with her sibling. I would definitely do my homework and find a behavior type counselor and not a psychiatrist because I feel psychiatrists try to medicate too quickly without taking enough time to work on the problem. I would start with her school guidance counselor, they may be able to offer resources. I hope that helps. I'm sure she will be fine, it's just one of those things that needs prompt attention.

Hello S.,

I am a mother of 3.
I do understand what it is like to have daddy working away from the home. My husband was in the ARMY when we had our first two kids. Now he is out and he has a job that puts him out of the state and sometimes we don't get to see him for 45 days or so. I do understand how hard it is.

It sounds like you have alot going on. You daughter is VERY JEALOUS OF HER BABY SISTER. She might not want her around and so she might try to hurt her and right now you need to keep your eyes and ears open at all times.

You need to handle this today and do not wait or things with your oldest will only get worse.

Remember that she is 4 and she does not know how to handle or show how she feels. You (as the mother) needs to teach her how to handle how she feels.

You need to put the little one in a swing and put her in front of the TV so that she can watch a good movie for her age (( like Barney)). You need to walk away and go with your oldest into her room and read with her or color or draw.

YOU MUST FINE WAYS TO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR OLDEST. JUST YOU AND HER. THE MORE TIME YOU SPEND WITH HER (((JUST YOU AND HER))) THE MORE THAT SHE AND YOU CAN BOND TOGETHER. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!

After the two of you bond, start slowly with getting her to bond with the baby. SLOWLY......

For example --- tell your oldest that it is time for ________ to take a bath and that you really need her help and ask her " Sweetheart can you please help mommy with giving _________ a bath."

all of you 3 go into the bathroom and go step by step with your oldest and tell her what you need her to do and that becasue ___________ is a baby that you guys need to be very gentle with her ((( take your oldest hand and slowly rub her hand on the babys head and show her how to be gentle)))so that she does not get hurt. Ask your daughter to please help with putting the soap on the babys tummy, and back and arms and legs and then let her help you rise and dry the baby and show her how to treat the baby (((your oldest needs to learn how to treat the baby , by you showing her.))) Let your oldest help dress the baby and then when all of this is done tell her how proud of her that you are and that she really helped and that you would like a great big hug and a kiss and that she is growing up oh so fast.

Praise her for doing good and for trying hard. Praise her art work and put it up in the home to show her how much you love her.

INVOLVE her in almost everything that you need to do for your baby ((( feeding, baths, clean up, play time, pushing the stroller, you know what i am talking about.))) So
that she feels like all 3 of you are a family and that all 3 of you can bond together like mothers and daughters should be.

Make sure that when DADDY comes home that you talk to him about all of this and make sure that he understand how hard that you have tried to work with her and that you do not want him to show her any extra special attn. and that he needs to do the same with her by involing her with the things that needs to be done with the baby.

When your oldest goes off to PRE-K , show the baby love but dont over do it so that when your oldest comes home she does not see the baby hanging all over you.

I know that all of this sounds so hard but this is what you need to do.

Your oldest does not need to go and talk to anyone, what she needs is one on one time with mommy. I know that you love your daughter but she does not feel it or see it enough. Sometimes as parents we sometime show extra ATTN. to one child and not enough Attn. to the other one.

You can handle this.

Pray everyday for you and your family that the GOOD LORD will help you and your family come through this.

Hang on,
there is much more to come , IT WILL BE A BUMPY ROAD.

GOD Bless.
From one mother to another. :)