Today Evan's OT was over and we were discussing his horrible sleep pattern and his difficulty sleeping. She gave some ideas to help us get Evan to sleep on his on and self comfort (huge a problem for him). He is so stubborn. The last time we tried cio he cried all night from 10pm-4am before I gave in a laid down w/ him I did go in and offer comfort in intervals. Well Evan listened as she was making suggestions and she recommended we gate the room and I start by sleeping outside the doorway and not going in. He is so set in his ways that he wouldn't interact with her the rest of the time she was here. Sleeping isn't the only thing he is stubborn with. We do time outs and they work I rarely have to reach 3 and put him in one but if he doesn't like the pjs I take out he will hide them its the end of the world if the ones he wants are dirty.......I know from experience 3 is worse then 2 and its quickly approaching us. If anyone could recommend some books I'd appreciate it.
Thanks.
Edited: He wants to co sleep and it just isn't working anymore because he is such a horrible sleeper. He wants everything done his way. He'd rather scream all night then sleep with out me. Today the OT asked him to clean up a puzzle and he didn't want to clean up so he picked up and said "I wanna see it" He is just so stubborn he and smart enough to come up w/ reasons not to do what you ask. Every little thing is fight. There is alot more to it then just sleep and pjs but sleep is the hardest thing right now. I offer a choice of pjs but if the ones he wants aren't a choice bc they are in the wash the world ends.
He sounds over tired to me, and like a typical toddler. It is always the end of the world if they can't have what they want when they want it when they are tired.
So, to get them to cooperate, you have to get them to be good sleepers. I'd also recommend the book "discipline without distress." My daughter is strong willed, as am I. I find that the more I let go, the more she lets go, and we rarely lock horns anymore.
I think you might need a shift in attitude. Instead of assuming your son is just a horrible child who tries to manipulate you into doing everything his way, try to identify the reasons he is having these problems. Frankly, the behaviours you mentioned, such as not wanting to pick up the puzzle and tantrums over the wrong PJs, are typical and normal to his age. He doesn't want to cry himself to sleep alone in a strange room? I don't blame him, especially since you said he had been co-sleeping. Children are people, but you are treating him like an inconvenience. Not only is that poor parenting, it's detrimental to his psychological state and may actually be CAUSING his issues.
I'd recommend reading some Dr Sears books, so you can better understand what your son should and should not be expected to do, what is normal developmental behaviour, and the best ways to responsibly deal with problems when they arise. I wont apologize for the tone of this post, im really just so sick of parents treating their children like this.
I disagree with the person who said you don't need books to tell you how to parent. Books can give us strategies that may work for us. There is nothing wrong with that. I have a couple suggestions. Elizabeth Pantley's book for getting toddlers to sleep. It's a gentle non-CIO method, establishing a routine. It sounds like your son is sleep deprived, that will absolutely exacerbate the normal toddler behaviors (the puzzle thing and pjs thing sound pretty normal for the age). It will also exacerbate sleep problems. If they are so overtired it is more difficult to fall asleep and sleep well. I'd consider moving bed time up as well. If he is in OT he has some issues, perhaps there is something causing his sleep issues if he has always had them. Have you considered food intolerances? Many children have behavior problems and sleep disruption because of what they are eating.
There is nothing wrong with soothing your child to sleep until he is old enough to figure out how to do it himself. And any CIO method does not teach self soothing. Since you have already established that will not work with your son, just let it go and move on to something else. If cosleeping isn't working for you, have you tried having his bed in the same room? You have to expect a process to break the habit if he's been cosleeping.
I would also suggest that you change the way you are thinking about your child and what he is doing. It makes it much more difficult for me to deal with my 3 yo if I think she is being "stubborn" or "bratty" or "challenging" or the dreaded "terrible two." Labeling her behavior that way makes me more defensive and it gets us nowhere. If I think, "oh the joys of toddler behavior" to myself it makes it easier. If you are thinking that he is doing it to you are trying to make you angry or whatever, it will get you nowhere. Good luck!
James Dobson's "A Strong Willed Child"...not everyone's cup of tea, but works.
I just went through a training with Dr. Ross Greene, the author of The Explosive Child and Lost at School. I highly recommend reading the Explosive Child and seeing if his Collaborative Problem Solving would help you. He also has a website called www.livesinthebalance.com which you mind find helpful.
I am a parent of a child with ADHD and on the autism spectrum so I have dealt with a lot of the same issues. We had issues with sleep when he was 2 to 4 years old and found some help with Elizabeth Pantley's book The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers. We ended up with a very structured sleep schedule but he ended up sleeping alone in his room. Mine also wanted to co-sleep with us but was a very noisy sleeper and I couldn't handle it.
You mentioned that your child gets OT? if he has a diagnosis or if you think he may you may want to check out this yahoo group for parents of children with different types of issues:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ShadowSyndromeKids/
I find it to be a very supportive group of parents. Many children are on the autism spectrum or have bipolor or ADHD and others just don't have a clue what their children may or may not "have." One of the things I have learned is that most of the children have sleep issues of their own and several (including myself) use Melatonin to help with this.
Good luck Rachel! Feel free to send me a private message if you have any further questions.
I would recommend the author Mary Sheedy Kurcinka- she has written several books that have helped me out a ton with my now 6 year old boy
http://www.parentchildhelp.com/Home/tabid/53/Default.aspx
I agree with reading "The Strong Willed Child" by James Dobson great advice by this man my strong willed child is now 19 and I have used the advice I found in this book throughout his growing up. Some may criticize you for some of the ways to discipline this type of child but until they spend a day in your shoes they should keep their opinion to themselves. Please re-post and let me know how things are going it will not happen overnight but you can mold [not break] the strong willed child
Pardon my bluntness throughout this post, I mean no disrespect. I find it helpful to speak truthfully rather than sugar coat advice when it comes to parenting topics.
I believe the last thing you need is any kind of "parenting" book telling you HOW to parent. Sit down for a moment, and reflect on your current situation. I'm going to assume that Evan is your only child, but if he's not then I apologize because I failed to read your bio prior to answering your question. So you have Evan...who's 2...not 3...2. And you (an adult) find a 2 year old so difficult that you're writing a post looking for parenting tips? You need some reflection to get your mind straight on this subject. Take a notebook and sit down in a quiet place. Taking you situation with Evan and evaluating his behavior now will help you tremendously in the future. It's much easier to set ground rules at 2 than it is at 12. Consider yourself lucky that your son is young enough so that you can take (back) control of this behavior now.
Take your notebook and write down where you went astray with Evan. Yes I said it. You, the parent and adult to this child, went astray somewhere in the discipline department. I don't mean hitting him, I mean at one point in his short lived life, he pushed your buttons on something and you didn't react. You allowed your son to "win" by his crying, stomping, screaming, what ever it was he did that you didn't want to deal with at the time allowed for Evan to know that if he pouted...you'd give in. At that moment, you started losing your control as a parent, and Evan gained it as a 2 year old. Now it's time to take your control back. YOU ARE THE PARENT. Period.
Write your feelings down in your notebook. Create a plan for gaining your control back. Do it now, or you and Evan face numerous problems in the future (school, behavior, social, emotional, etc).
Evan's crude behavior, in my opinion, is him simply wanting your attention...your love...your time. I know that we're not all stay at home moms with tons of time on our hands, but a simple ten minute book read will help. For example, when your son eats breakfast (or any meal) sit with him...put on a show he enjoys...or don't...and talk. Stroke his hair, tell him you love him...hold him in your arms. At 2, children are smart enough to figure out that if mommy isn't giving them positive attention (hugs, kisses, story time, et cetera) they'll accept negative attention (screaming, tantrums, stubborness) to fill the void.
I know you mentioned Evan doesn't go to sleep well and he doesn't self-soothe. I would hope he doesn't actually...he's 2. He needs mommy (or daddy or both) to soothe him, to rock him to sleep. As parents, we've gotten away from parenting in the action sense. We want to toss our kids into cribs and walk away expecting them to sleep, and when they don't we seek advice of "experts" who think letting any child cry for hours will do the trick. It's simply ridiculous to me, and your 2 year old let you know it was ridiculous and useless to him as well by crying for 6 hours straight. Think of the none sense you put yourself and your son through that night and for nothing. He cried and was totally upset for six straight hours and I bet you got zero sleep due to the crying. Wonderful night I'm sure.
My point is, you made the decision to become a parent, now own up and parent. This means NOT letting any child cry anything out, pick them up when the fall, co-sleep if you have to, exercise disciple, and never forget that you're the parent and you make the rules. You are not your child's "friend" you are their parent, first and foremost. Friends come later, now your son needs a mother and direction.
I'm not claiming to be an expert by any means, and I don't believe anyone is when it comes to parenting as all children are and develop differently. But I can tell you that I have a 3 year old son who's mighty stubborn, was a colicky infant, was never a good eater, and he tests his limits everyday with me, but he doesn't go too far because I've been consistent in discipline since the start...and I've always shown him not only tons of love along with that discipline but also who the parent is. He has choices daily, but those choices are conducive to what a 3 year old can properly ascertain, and that's where the love, consistency and discipline come in from the parent.
My point, in all this rambling, is you are the parent. Now act like one. Your son is 2 and he NEEDS you to parent him, to love him, to hold him, to guide him, etc...and he will need all those things for the rest of his life. But for now, let's concentrate on being the best mommy you can be, and you can start by giving your child a hug.
Good luck with everything. And trust your motherly instincts to any book, you know more than you think you do.
I will be waiting to hear the responses. I have a strong willed one as well and need some help/ ideas!
Sounds like he might have some specific issues that I cannot speak to (he has an OT?), but I find the book "1, 2, 3 Magic" to be very useful.
The sleep book I used was "Sleeping thru the night" by Jodi Mindell. With an older child it might take longer to sleep train but I still think you can do it.
As for the pj's and most anything else giving choices is the way to go. I would suggest if his favorite pj's are dirty let him know when you get dressed in the morning that the pj's need to go in the wash and he won't have them and explain it to him that he will have to choose another pair of pj's for that night. Explain to him that not everything is available everytime we want it but there are other good options. It might not be too easy in the begining but hopefully he will come around.
As for a book for parenting by doctor just recommended "kids are worth it" by Barbara Coloroso. I haven't gotten into it yet but she has always recommended good books.
The biggest thing would be to keep your cool with him. If he knows he is upsetting you then he wins and he is going to continue the behavior but if he realizes it doesn't affect you it stops much quicker.
Good luck,
L.
Bringing Up Boys and Shepherding a Childs Heart.
Reading Shepherding now and loving it seeing much improvement and need to reread Bringing Up Boys as mine is now turning 13-need to refresh myself.
I don't understand how not wanting to fall asleep on his own and getting mad about his pjs means he's strong willed. I am sure there is other stuff too but as far as the sleep thing goes, does he want to co-sleep?? Does he need you to stay with him until he falls asleep? And why not let him pick out his pjs from a few selections? Sounds like he is trying to gain control of his life. Sorry if these answers are too simplistic but there is not much specific info to go on.
I also have a strong willed child. Check out Dr. Kevin Leman. He's written many books on kids and I've found all of them to be very helpful. My two favorite are "How to have a new kid by friday" and "Making children mind without losing yours"
Feel free to e-mail me if you want some more imput. Bedtime was a nightmare at that age as well.
Hello Rachel,
It seems to me that you don't realize that your child is listening when you're complaining to the OT and others. He's a sensitive, smart guy. His feelings are hurt and he's angry because you're calling him "stubborn" and "so set in his ways." That's why he won't cooperate. Why would he cooperate when you say such strongly negative things about him? I hate those words myself--they make me shudder because they are demeaning, taking the normal child development out of the situation, and replacing the normal behavior with your view that he's being "stubborn" person on purpose to hurt you. You want to nurture your child's best side and his intelligence. Squashing his ego and need for individuality won't lead to what a parent wants but instead to a child who has low self-esteem and deep sadness.
I'm sorry, dear, but it seems to me you may have been treated this way, too, by parents, husband, etc. who weren't sensitive to your needs. There's something deeper in this matter than your child not wanting to go to bed or to wear the clothes you're setting out for him. You may be unconsciously passing on to your son some of the impatience, anger, and demand for perfection your parents gave you. As many mothers today, perhaps you're under a lot of pressure to do everything quickly and perfectly, and you feel that your son is slowing you down.
I think that the best way to improve this situation is to consciously slow down. Be kind to yourself and your son. I suggest that you spend quiet time with Evan, cuddling him and talking calmly to him in a sweet, considerate way -- tell him you love him, how sweet he is, how smart, etc., before you want to dress him in the morning or for bed. I suggest that you apologize to him in a sincere way. It will take some time of repeating a routine like this before he will really trust you.
You may have a great painter or a CEO or a jazz pianist in this child, so don't worry about how he will be later. One day at a time, take care of yourself, eat healthy foods, get enough rest, sleep, and socializing and all will be well. Good luck.
Love, B.
P.S. Next time Evan needs pajamas, you could buy two or three pairs that are exactly the same. I also believe that when Even feels loved and respected, he'll be easier to deal with.
